|CREATURES FROM THE ABYSS
|Copyright 1994 Production Film 82.
| Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 29 January 2003.
- Mike - The requisite nerd. Except that this freak actually has a girlfriend and even got her pregnant. Et (apparently).
- Margaret - She thinks that with a bun in the oven marriage is a sure thing, but a mutant infection forces her to commit suicide.
- Bobby - The requisite jerk jock. Incinerated after becoming a disgusting monster.
- Dorothy - Bobby's girlfriend. She develops a fatal multiple personality complex with crustacean tendencies.
- Julie - The big blonde who worries about her bra. She delivers a bucketful of caviar, but is torched with her eggs.
- Clark - The only survivor from an oceanographic study team. He froths at the mouth and acts wigged. Chomped.
|A group of giggling idiots open the film by running down the beach. They are carrying an inflatable boat between them. One of the guys proves to be a little clumsy (that would be Mike), which differentiated the film from a beer or fiber supplement commercial. The extra can of fuel is accidentally left on the beach amidst the confusion of Mike's fall.
Next time we see the five young people they are out of gas and trying to survive a terrible storm. Now, I have only seen a couple of foul weather days at sea, but the kids are in pretty good shape. The tiny boat is overloaded with five people, while the waves are roughly six inches in height. Most pool swimmers have seen worse seas when a large relative decided to do a cannonball. Confusing scenes from the inside of a ship are flashed as the idiots try to bail out their inflatable boat. Whip-like sounds, screaming, and a close-up of a fish all help to define the path that this movie will take.
Mike and company find an abandoned research ship (probably where all the weird footage was taking place) and climb aboard. Exploring the ship turns up little information, though there is a bizarre marine laboratory. What the characters do not notice is a menacing fisheye camera watching them. The creature spends no small amount of time following the people around, but nobody ever sees the creature.
Wait, there is one other thing that the teenagers find. That would be the clock in the hallway. I hate that f***ing clock. Its name is "Cutie Time" and the cursed thing wakes up and warbles at people passing by. Along with the time, it always makes some idiotic comment. This goes on for the entire movie. I would have taken an axe to the clock early on.
The girls check the galley for food and find fish. Imagine that. They fry and eat the fish, despite the finned entrees mysteriously thrashing around when cooked (only one girl sees this). Dorothy becomes violently ill after the meal.
Mike and Bobby find Clark during further exploration of the ship. At first they think the scientist is dead, but then he opens his eyes and moves. Mike exclaims, "I think he is alive!" thus proving himself to be lower than genius intelligence. The boys carry Clark upstairs; he spends most of the movie in a delusional state. Every now and then Mike forces the scientist to drink hard alcohol. Yeah, that is just the thing to help him recover his wits.
Investigating the lab proves fruitful and the nerd learns about what happened to the ship's crew. They were studying prehistoric fish, found at incredible depths, and one of the specimens broke free. It killed everybody, even the people in the research submersible. Almost on cue, one of the fish attacks Mike and Bobby. The real howler is that the fish swims through the very air, like a denizen "From Beyond." The attack drives Mike over the edge. He destroys the lab in a hurry and even manages to bash one fish into a nearby meat grinder. It comes out looking like ground beef.
Wow. Just plain wow.
The plot is not done with the audience yet. The thoughtful guy reads a book that he found. In it are drawings of scaled nightmares, a developing fetus, and even a sketch of a developing fetus with fangs. The fish are not killers because of their primitive origins, but due to radioactive plankton. Somewhere in here it is suggested that "carnivorous" means "eats plankton." (Could one even consider zooplankton to be "meat?") Back to the issue at hand: the whole prehistoric fish angle was apparently a red herring.
Come on, you saw that pun coming from a mile away.
Meanwhile, the crass jock entices Julie into sleeping with him. During their raunchy encounter he transforms into a howling fish demon. Margaret sees Bobby in his mutated state and summons (by screaming) her boyfriend. Mike grabs a handy speargun and comes running. When the two rescuers burst into the room they find a gooey Julie and a hole in the wall.
A brief search turns up Bobby; he is in the bathroom. When questioned about his mutation he responds with, "Me? A monster? You must be kidding!" A close look reveals a wayward tentacle and slime dripping onto the floor. Mike lets the matter drop. (What in the Hades is he thinking?)
You might guess that things get worse. The fruit of Julie and Bobby's union is oatmeal (representing a mass of eggs) that spills from her crotch and a tentacle attacks Margaret. The idea finally gets through Mike's thick head that maybe they should skedaddle. He rigs the ship to explode by puncturing barrels, flooding the hold with several inches of fuel. A "rat" dashes madly through the fluid, but Mike is driven from the hold by Bobby. The two-timing jerk has fully transformed into a howling, tentacled stop-motion monster. Neither Clark, nor Margaret make it out alive and the fisheye lens monster finally does something. It attacks Mike. The end.
"Creatures from the Abyss" is not good by any stretch of the imagination. The premise is your usual, impossible b-movie stuff. Special effects range from fair to outlandishly bad. The superimposed fish swimming through the air around Mike is a perfect example. Last, but not least, the dubbed acting is really atrocious. It did make me laugh a few times.
|Things I Learned From This Movie:|| |
- Futile (adj.): Trying to start an engine when you do not have fuel.
- Men on oceanographic expeditions carry wads of cash in their billfolds.
- Disco clubs use electron microscopes for decoration and light effects.
- Eating bad fish will make you regurgitate rubber stag beetles.
- Aquatic animals see everything upside down.
- Cannibalism is a side effect of homosexuality.
- John Holmes sponsored a line of home lighting products.
- For the ladies: if you are having a painful period, then hitting yourself in the abdomen is not the answer.
- Opening credits - A piranha?
- 11 mins - He finds white powder in a lab, so he tastes it.
- 15 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
- 19 mins - Your dancing is making the fish mad. Heck, I am not happy about it either.
- 22 mins - America's favorite mustard.
- 42 mins - That is one naughty shower!
- 46 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST FISHBOWLS!
- 50 mins - Okay, the people dubbing this are just making things up.
- 53 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
- 82 mins - Pure idiocy.
- Margaret: "What a weird fish."
Mike: "They must have caught them with the diving bell. Certain fish you can only get from way down deep."
- Mike: "I have the feeling that the secret of this ship is somehow tied to these strange fish."
| ||Audio clips in wav format||SOUNDS||Starving actors speak out|| |
||Margaret: "What were they doing to this fish?" |
Mike: "It really looks like an operating table."
||Cutie Time: "Hi sailor!" |
Bobby: "Shut the f**k up!"
Cutie Time: "It's two o'clock."
||Mike: "Professor, how long you have been f**king fish?" |
Clark: (choking) "They were old enough!"
Mike: "I want to help you. I understand; these things happen."
||Julie: "Let me go. I have to go to my sister!" |
Mike: "You have no more sister!"
| ||Click for a larger image||IMAGES||Scenes from the movie|| |
| ||Watch a scene||VIDEO||MPEG video files|| |
|In keeping with the rest of the film, here is a clip worth noting. Where else can you hear someone say, "Damn it! Who opened the radioactive container?"
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