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CAT-WOMEN OF THE MOON - 3 Slimes
Rated R
Copyright 1953 Z-M Productions
Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 29 July 2001

The Characters:  

  • Laird - The undiplomatic leader of America's first trip to the moon. He always goes by the book, no matter what happens. Upon encountering a situation not covered by the manual he mucks through it with little finesse and then scribbles notes in the margin so that next time it'll be in the darn book.
  • Kip - Copilot who likes to work problems over in his mind, then pull out a gun and shoot them.
  • Helen - Mission navigator and Laird's girlfriend. She really loves Kip, but why are the men fighting over her?
  • Doug - Young man full of wild oats to sow and being trapped on a world full of cat-women in leotards sounds like planting time. Unfortunately he picks a girl suffering from osteoporosis of the skull to fall in love with.
  • Walt - Greedy schemer who wants to make a fortune by selling moon memorabilia and doing commercials after his return. Stabbed in the back (literally) while swooning over a cave full of gold.
  • Lambda - This cat-women is in heat! Roowwllll! To bad she didn't have nine lives.
  • Alpha - Cruel leader of the feline females. She has plotted the conquest of Earth for ages, but didn't count on us inventing gunpowder before rockets and gyroscopes. Shot by Kip.
  • Generic Cat-Women - When nobody is watching they perform dancing rituals that emulate childbirth.

Buy It!

The Plot: 

What is probably one of the last things you want to do with the three members of a love triangle? Does cramming them all into a small space for an extended period of time and equipping the spurned man with a loaded revolver sound like one of your ideas? Good, you and I are operating on the same wavelength. The person in charge of this moonshot is insane, unless the mission's real objective was to study the behavior of hemoglobin in zero gravity.

Mankind's first rocket to the moon has just started its journey when things go wrong and I'm not talking about choosing Sonny Tufts as the commander. A hurtling meteor strikes the ship and ruptures nitric acid tanks stowed in the lower working areas. Okay, at least the stuff can be used as propellant, but why did they have it inside the crew quarters? Maybe the ship required manual refueling before their return trip. That's my best guess.

Engineers had obviously known that storing caustic liquids inside would have some pitfalls; the rocket is equipped with a handy "nitric acid leaking" warning light. Laird reacts quickly to this by trying to flood the contaminated section with water, but the system is jammed. Hold on! WATER? Does he want to dilute it or something? Buddy, if you are trying to neutralize the stuff before it explodes then open that section to space or douse it with lime. The situation looks completely hopeless until Kip scrambles to put on a protective suit. With the other crew members' help he opens the hatch and clambers down into the chamber. Then the brave copilot grabs a CO2 fire extinguisher and puts out the acid!

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Sorry, that wonder of movie science just about made my sides split and spill equally amused intestines all over the couch. It's not on fire, but spraying nitric acid with carbon dioxide fixes everything? Prevent an explosion yes. Neutralize the acid? I think not. Somebody correct the MSDS sheet on that spaceship, it must be woefully inaccurate.

With the crisis averted the mission can continue. Helen has been acting a little strange and continues doing so by providing coordinates for a landing zone on the dark side of the moon. She then leads them along a seemingly predetermined route through a barren landscape populated only by stalagmites. How in the world did those form? Water, laden with minerals, has to drip from the ceilings of caves for those to form. Where is the ceiling? Heck, where is the atmosphere for the water to form in? We are briefly distracted from this quandary when a flaming meteorite nearly hits the five astronauts. It only leaves behind more questions though. Why didn't it make a crater in the matte painting? How was it burning when there is no atmosphere? Who didn't say their prayers this morning and thus annoyed God into throwing meteors at these people?

The sole female leads the others into a cave where they make a startling discovery: their boots have suddenly become heavy. From this they deduce that the cave has atmosphere and light a match to verify their hypothesis. Hopefully you see it coming, because all of them strip off their spacesuits and stand around with big goofy grins on their faces. Once again I found myself wondering who chose this particular group to man the first moon rocket.

Dangers are lurking in the cave though. Big ones with hair, eight eyes, and poison fangs. Yup, the cave is inhabited by giant moon spiders that are intent on scaring the porridge out of Helen. She naturally screams and runs away, while all the men thump their chests before tackling the huge arachnids. Were I Laird then my first action upon seeing a spider bigger than me would be telling Kip to start shooting (hoping that he uses all his bullets, including the one with my name on it). Trying to punch and stab it to death would be the last resort. The film is out to make me a monkey's uncle; nobody is bitten during two close encounters with the monsters! In the confusion their suits mysteriously disappear.

Who took the suits? Why, the cat-women of the moon of course. They also make a brief attempt to overpower the men, but fail and start backtracking immediately, explaining that they were only scared of Kip and his firearm. Helen is taken aside by Alpha for some more brainwashing, revealing to us that the cat-women can control other females with no problem. Males are strangely immune to the telepathic influences, frustrating Alpha to no end. The cat-women are desperate to learn how to operate the rocket, escape their dead world, and conquer Earth. Our planet would be their play toy! Billions of women serving as dominated slaves and mankind's industry focused on producing expensive couches that they can leisurely scratch to pieces. And don't forget catnip! America's heartland would no longer grow wheat and corn; instead it would become the feline version of Amsterdam.

Delicious food and drink are served to the visiting humans to allay their suspicions. Surprisingly this works as each man is distracted by his particular weakness. Except Kip, since his desire is Helen and she is (figuratively) purring and rubbing up against Laird. A freak accident occurs when the lonely copilot grabs his commander's girlfriend's hand, briefly breaking the spell cast by Alpha. Words pour out her: "I really love you!" and "The cat-women plan to kill you all and take the ship!" Naturally Kip responds with, "What was that first thing again?" Lucky for mankind (I'm really not into building furniture), Lambda falls in love with Doug and helps to stop her leader's evil plans.

The bottom line is that subsidized health care has fewer problems than this movie. Unlike noticing the doctor removed the wrong arm, this is sort of fun. Even the lengthy description on the DVD cover (inside) is amusing. They broach the idea that Einstein's and other great scientists' achievements were placed in their minds by cat-women (to speed up space exploration). Maybe that is what Albert was trying to tell us when he described how a radio works.

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • Military cots are not the most comfortable things to experience high G Forces in.
  • You can yell through a vacuum.
  • Cigarettes burn extra fast on the moon, mainly due to the fact that there is no oxygen to retard the flames.
  • Curiosity doesn't only kill cats.
  • The lost continent of Atlantis sank beneath the waves and ended up on the dark side of the moon. (It has to do with tidal forces. Go ask a physicist to explain it.)
  • Earth's sole natural satellite is covered with precious metals.
  • Being struck lightly on the head with a styrofoam rock will kill you.

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • 5 mins - The first thing she does is pull out her compact and start primping. I guess those stereotypes are accurate.
  • 9 mins - Metal gym lockers? Hehehehe!
  • 14 mins - Watch the screen here. Hey Laird, stop talking to your girlfriend and pay attention to your driving!
  • 28 mins - Nobody sees the giant spider that is lurking only a few feet away from them?
  • 32 mins - Just because the coals are cold does not mean it has been centuries since a fire burned among them.
  • 38 mins - I have this ugly image of Laird feeding his copilot grapes. Stop lying there like that, Kip, it's obscene!
  • 54 mins - That's not Doug! That's Walt! The cat-woman called him by the wrong name! Hahahaha!
  • 57 mins - You do understand that this process involves lesbianism and one of them somehow getting the other pregnant, right?
  • 63 mins - Who else would be calling on this channel?

Quotes: 

  • Kip: "Has it ever occurred to you that maybe this is atmosphere?"
    Laird: "On the moon?"
    Kip: "Could be why it's so hard for us to walk. Where there's atmosphere there's got to be gravitational pull to hold it."
  • Walt: "You're too smart for me baby. I like 'em stupid."

 Audio clips in wav formatSOUNDSStarving actors speak out 

FileDialog
Green Music Note catwomen1.wav Kip: "Believe me baby; if I ever fell in love with you I'd chase across the world, around the moon, and all the way stations in between."
Green Music Note catwomen2.wav Laird: "You mean she just guessed it was there?"
Kip: "If she could guess a landing spot on the dark side of the moon, I suppose she could guess a cave."
Laird: "What are you driving at?"
Kip: "I dunno, but I'll guarantee it isn't in the book!"
Green Music Note catwomen3.wav Doug: "Where are your men folk?"
Lambda: "You're the first man I've ever seen."
Green Music Note catwomen4.wav Kip: "Helen, what's the matter?"
Helen: "Danger Kip! They want to kill you; they'll take the spaceship and they'll make me go with them!"
Kip: "Well, how?"
Helen: "They can, Kip, they control me!"
Kip: "Control you?"

 Click for a larger imageIMAGESScenes from the movie 

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 Watch a sceneVIDEOMPEG video files 

Video Clipcatwomen1.mpg - 2.6m
Helen led Doug over here, away from the other crew, so that a cat-woman could jump him. Listen in amazement as the young man admits to not seeing his attacker, despite the fact that he had to be looking right at her!

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Comments:Write CommentPages: [1]
Cat-Women of the Moon
Reply #1. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by John Riley
When diluted acid, ESPECIALLY NITRIC ACID, with water, the correct procedure is to "do as you oughtta, add ACID TO WATER."  This means that spraying water on an acid spill will CAUSE an explosion...you must add the acid in small amounts to the water being used to dilute it.

The technical reason for this (just in case in comes up again in another movie??) is that dilution of acid with water liberates a large amount of heat (termed "heat of solution.").  When you add the water to the acid, the heat of solution is concentrated in a small region and will in essence boil the water to steam, popping the acid much like adding water to very hot grease in the bacon pan.  On the other hand, if the acid is added to a relatively large amount of water, the heat is dissipated into the water, and an explosion free dilution is accomplished.

By the way, and it was not in a dilution accident, but one of a very violent neutralization, I have WORN concentrated nitric acid...had it dripping off my glasses.  Amazingly, the only actual burn I received was about the size of a quarter on my hand.....

The heat of neutralization can be quite large too!
Cat-Women of the Moon
Reply #2. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Dr. Maniac
    A movie with Sonny Tufts as the hero and Victor Jory as a villain named Kip?  No, they aren't kidding!  This one was originally in 3-D to boot.  (So was ROBOT MONSTER but at least that one is fun to watch!).  Why are the Moon Maidens called cat-women?  They don't look like cats, they don't act like cats.  Maybe because "feline" and "feminine" have been inexorably linked in our imaginations!
   That puppet spider sure saw a lot of work.  First in MESA OF LOST WOMEN (1951), then this film and then the semi-remake MISSILE TO THE MOON (1956).  That prop probably fell apart years ago but just imagine what fun it would be to have in the garage.
Cat-Women of the Moon
Reply #3. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Daiwai LupGow
This movie is so priceless because it is so innocently made, its almost as if they are adults with the minds of 12 year olds (and that was the average level of education in the early 50's). Re why "cat women", I assume its because of the Cat Suits, very snazzy ones indeedy. Its a bit like the excellent "Teenagers from Outer Space" which is actually quite a thoughtful and sincere movie. It appears that to get the punters into the cinema back then you needed a sensational title, however unrelated to the film itself.
The general science of this film may be very wrong but I think the ship is  based on the writers take on what was a very hot topic at that time- the atomic space ship - look for "the Orion Project" at your local library or bookshop- amazing what could have been (maybe).
LAST BUT NOT LEAST- the scenery paintings of the moon are mindblowing, where did they get the reference for that?
Superb art work, added a degree of wonder to a generally silly adventure.
Best of all, I just bought it on DVD for $5 Australian at Crazy Clarks!!
Cat-Women of the Moon
Reply #4. Posted on August 10, 2005, 11:47:30 AM by IT
The giant spiders was the best things in this movie.I wish there was more of them.Other then that a terrible movie.
Cat-Women of the Moon
Reply #5. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:03 PM by Ingulphus
A great review (I just bought the 3-D Rhino tape as a lot of three 3-D movies) - my eyes are still tearing and my sides are still sore from laughing so hard and so long.

Thank you!
Re: Cat-Women of the Moon
Reply #6. Posted on October 09, 2009, 01:53:25 PM by marcus
Tremendously awful!,.....But again not without it's merits,.......in a sort of sarcastic way.
The caste look like they had just absconded from various jails, & were met off a tug boat dockside & asked to help make a movie.
Victor Jory is plain irritating, Sonny Tufts can't act, & Marie Windsor reminds of a lady i once knew who chain smoked, & helped out at the greasy spoon.
Technology employed in their bean tin ( space craft ) is incredible!,  you wouldn't get me up in it.
And although the older fellow looks like a scientist, he would only have been allowed to practice it alongside a carpet bagger, selling the miracle cure of the ages or some such rubbish.
Combine this comic book interpretation of basic science ( the sort that would have got your ears boxed at school ) A giant rubber spider, lots of cigarette scenarios, and women dressed in black leotards, ( the best bit, don't tell the wife! ) & you pretty much have it.
This is a bit like the dreaded FIRE MAIDENS FROM OUTER SPACE, which is also like THE PHANTOM PLANET. ( both recommended if you like a good laugh).
Full marks to them for trying to convince us that there is an under ground world on the moon inhabited by women in skimpy attire, longing for some gentlemen.
( clean version )
However, as i write this they have just crashed two space craft on the moon in search of water.
Don't they watch films like this at NASA?.
Knowing what we know now i am sure they could have had a full crew on both craft.
Re: Cat-Women of the Moon
Reply #7. Posted on August 23, 2010, 03:27:41 AM by snarf
I like this film a lot, it's classic b/w cheese. I made a music video with footage from this film, you can see it here on youtube:  C6sCbHaUcbQ
Re: Cat-Women of the Moon
Reply #8. Posted on November 02, 2010, 09:14:38 PM by Chuck Messer
What I love about this movie is that Kip is supposed to be the Heroic Man of Action! Victor Jory made a career of playing villains and dangerous psychopaths, and in this movie, he plays the hero...

...well, like a dangerous psychopath. Flashing his roscoe at every opportunity, acting like a stalker with the heroine, and heroically gunning down a couple of unarmed moon-women. I guess Victor couldn't make the stretch. Or, maybe it was the script.

I just love a movie where the "hero" is a complete and utter dick.

Chuck
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