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CAVEGIRL - 2 Slimes
Rated R
Copyright 1985 Crown International Pictures
Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 10 February 2007

The Characters:  

  • Some of the names are based on my best guess. The movie is a low-budget 80's film, with cavemen who talk in grunts; cut me some slack.
  • Rex - Imagine if Jay Leno had enough baby fat on his face to encapsulate his chin. Good, now give him a stupid-looking hat.
  • Eba - 25,000 years ago, there was one attractive blonde girl. She lived in California.
  • Argh - Chief of the tribe who wears a dead coyote on his head.
  • Saba - Also referred to as "that wooly cavewoman." Was she in The Trial of Billy Jack or am I confusing her hair with hippies in general?
  • Aka - In a word: floppy.
  • Dar and Char - The other male members of the tribe. One is able to produce nose goblins of astounding size. The other laughs and hoots at the boogers.
  • Ralph, Brenda, Hank, Casey, Bill, and Karen - Teenagers that go to the same school as Rex. Their primary form of entertainment is torturing the big nerd.

Buy It!

The Plot: 

Rex is the type of dork that only exists in bad movies about teenagers. He stays up all night building a plastic model of a Homo erectus skull, just to be put down and jeered by other members of the class. He tries to ask out a girl he finds attractive, but keeps tripping over his own tongue until she pours her milk on his shoe. Last, but not least, he fails to notice that some prankster scraped the "WO" off of "WOMEN ONLY" on the entrance to the locker rooms and suddenly finds himself being chased by a herd of jiggling breasts, owned by girls who want to beat up the nerd who dared to enter their domain. Yes, we had a dork like Rex in my high school too, which still does not explain why so many movies contain such a character.

By the way, I was proud to notice that one pair of breasts showcased in the locker room belonged to Michelle Bauer. This might be startling, but I am only an acolyte when compared to a long-lost friend named Steven Thomas. Steve could often identify a female actress by her breasts alone. Not impressed? If applicable, he could then tell you what month and year she appeared in Penthouse or Playboy. Steve was the kind of guy "The Man Show" would kill to interview.

A group of students pick Rex as their target for pranks and ridicule. They do everything to him. If not coating his chair with glue, they are dropping cherry bombs into the portable toilet he is using, or donning Halloween masks to wake him from a nap on the bus. Funny, that last prank is not something you would normally do to someone you dislike; it seems like a friendly joke. What they should have done is shaved his eyebrows. Jocks and other leaders of teen society do that to nerds, right? I seem to remember geeks walking around my high school without any eyebrows...

Have you gotten the idea that Rex's life sucks? It takes a turn for the better when the class departs on a field trip to see cave paintings found by miners. Separated from the group as he tries to recover items from his backpack that was stolen and then ransacked by his peers, Rex stumbles upon a huge crystal. Touching the crystal causes a strange sound and luminescence. It also interferes with a secret government missile test going on nearby. Hard to say exactly what happens, but I think the helicopter-launched ordnance hits the cave. The explosion causes Rex to travel back in time to the late Pleistocene. He is knocked unconscious in the process and wakes up disoriented on a rocky hillside, oblivious that Einstein is screaming from his grave.

By the way, the professor in charge of the field trip fails to take a head count before they enter the mine. As a result, he does not notice that Rex is missing. Whenever you have a group of people, especially during an excursion into the wilderness or a cave, make sure to count them often. Failing to follow that simple rule gets people killed, and not just in bad movies.

While exploring the primitive countryside, Rex encounters Argh, Dar, and Char. Without his glasses, which were broken during the time travel mishap, he mistakes the cavemen for some of the other teenagers. He realizes his mistake when they start growling and wisely runs away. The cavemen react to Rex behaving like prey by racing after him. The actors playing the cavemen all step gingerly, because running around on rocky ground in your bare feet is painful to modern man.

After escaping from the primeval lynch mob, Rex falls asleep. He is discovered by Eba, who wakes him before trying to chew on his stick deodorant. For some reason, the pretty little cavegirl takes a liking to the dork from the future. Must be his ability to make fire on command (waterproof matches). What are you going to do when the matches run out? Huh? Huh? Wish that you had brought a magnesium fire starter as your primitive blonde goes looking for her next big shot visitor from the future, one with a full book of matches?

The unlikely pair takes up residence near Argh's tribe, though they make sure to pitch camp beyond the range of thrown rocks. There is a funny scene here with Rex narrating, while the tribe members grunt and toss stones across the ravine. The aggressive behavior by the other natives subsides, rather suddenly, allowing Rex to observe primitive man's social and hunting habits closely. Timenerd also devotes a lot of effort to teaching Eba modern English, mostly coaching her to ask things like, "May I sit on your face?" though she constantly collapses into giggles, refusing to finish the sentence in spite of Rex's desperation.

In the interest of furthering his knowledge of the female body, Rex builds a bed for him and Eba. The makeshift lovenest centerpiece is just a couple of logs, but I guess it would beat having sex on the ground and landing atop an ant mound or cactus. The little chief is interested in what Rex and Eba are doing and makes several attempts to spy on them from a close vantage. Each time that Argh is nearly there, he loses his grip and falls into the ravine. When I was probably thirteen, I used to pal around with another young man named Michael Spence. He would literally collapse in laughter at Argh's screaming tumble into the ravine. If anything, I laugh during those scenes because I always remember Mike cracking up and someone else being overcome with mirth is a sure way to start me chuckling. Oh yeah, when the rainy season hits and Rex puts up a tarp, it becomes another hazard to Argh's continued existence.

Those who have not experienced the majesty that is "Cavegirl" might be wondering if Eba's innocence is still intact. Well, not due to lack of effort by Rex, but yes. All of that changes when the two nearly lose each other. Nothing so exciting as a bear attack, volcanic eruption, or even marauding cannibals (those come later). Rex wakes up after a rough night in the rain and finds he is alone. He wanders in search of Eba, though why he goes looking for her in areas previously unexplored is a mystery. Eba is similarly searching and it is her keen sense of smell that detects Rex's deodorant upwind. The two see each other, for the first time in several hours, and are soon wrapped in a gleeful embrace. Wait, she is backing up, taking off her top, and then pulling her soon-to-be lover atop her on the moss-covered bank of a stream. Scream in horror my friends, because the nerd is getting some from the perky cavegirl.

My previous comments may have been harsh. To any dorks out there: if you manage to travel back in time, avoid being eaten by a large carnivore, clubbed to death by a Neanderthal, or die from exposure, and successfully woo a beautiful blonde, I think you earned it. However, soon as you return to the present, I am going to pull the tag on your underwear up over your head - while they are being worn.

Meanwhile, while the nerd is finally experiencing one of the true joys of being human, Argh and the tribe are beset by a hideous demon. They find Rex's flashlight and accidentally switch it on. The frightening glow causes them all to hoot in alarm as the chief bashes it with a rock. Unfortunately, the flashlight is an indestructible survival model. The tribe is so completely distracted by the task at hand that they are caught by surprise and captured by cannibals. Soon afterwards, Rex and Eba run afoul of the bone-wearing antagonists, too. He is bashed in the head, while she is dragged away to become an appetizer. To save his true (yet primitive) love, Rex is going to have to reach deep into that pack of wonders he keeps relying on.

Viewers looking for a serious story about a dork from the future falling in love with an attractive cavegirl and influencing human evolution should probably look somewhere else, but I cannot give you any advice where to start. To come clean, this movie is one of my guilty pleasures. I will say that the young lady playing the cavegirl, Cindy Ann Thompson, has a beautiful way of smiling. There is also a certain innocence about the ultimate "giving in to love" scene between her and Rex. While she does remove her top, the encounter is mostly kissing, instead of the wild pawing that characterized Rex's earlier attempts. It reminds a guy of being young and with a girl. What it was like to get that first kiss, wondering everything about her and what the heck you were doing. At least, it does if you were at the right age when you first saw this movie.

In parting, I would like to say that I have no explanation for the soundtrack. Overall, it is ten times better than what you would expect for a movie like this, even though every song is so amazingly 80's that I cannot believe they are for real.

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • Somebody stole the Airwolf prototype too.
  • Krazy Glue is available in aerosol form.
  • Nerds should always pack extra underwear.
  • Blonde cavegirls had perfect teeth.
  • For some reason, the ugly gene remained dominant in a few branches of the human family tree.
  • Shaving cream was the catalyst for early social development.
  • Mountain lions hate having their picture taken.
  • Properly applied, a rock can solve most problems.
  • Encounters between cavemen and trampolines rarely have happy endings.

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • 5 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
  • 6 mins - You know, I have had dreams like this before.
  • 9 mins - I think you accidentally mixed up your model kits.
  • 24 mins - Does your mother often wake you by sniffing your pits?
  • 31 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT! Ewwwwww.
  • 34 mins - Oh no, not those again...
  • 55 mins - Rex needs to get laid, just so he will stop annoying me.
  • 57 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A FLASHLIGHT!
  • 62 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
  • 63 mins - You go boy! Get with that prehistoric lovin'!
  • 71 mins - And just how many spare batteries are available for that walkman?

 Audio clips in wav formatSOUNDSStarving actors speak out 

FileDialog
Green Music Note cavegirl1.wav Eba: "Anathia chapvia anachachia na!"
Rex: "Anna...funny! You wouldn't happen to speak English, would ya?"
Eba: "Anthfeanya."
Rex: "Anthia...yeah, that's what I thought, um..."
Green Music Note cavegirl2.wav Rex trying to teach Eba to say, "May I sit on your face?"
Green Music Note cavegirl3.wav Rex: "With all the sex and violence, I decided to write a book."
Green Music Note cavegirl4.wav Rex telling Eba the story of the Three Binchas.
Green Music NoteTheme Song Listen to a clip from the soundtrack.

 Click for a larger imageIMAGESScenes from the movie 

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 Watch a sceneVIDEOMPEG video files 

Video Clipcavegirl1.mpg - 2.5m
Eba tries to teach Rex her language. A "bincha" is an animal. In this case she is describing a bear.

Some of us used to recreate this scene, yelling, "Bincha! Grrrr" and shaking our heads, then doing it again with even more emphasis.

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Comments:Write CommentPages: [1]
Re: Cavegirl
Reply #1. Posted on February 11, 2007, 06:19:21 AM by Yaddo 42
I'll post in this one and watch all the action be in the Bad Movies topic.

How many times did Up All Night show this? They sure got their money's worth from it.

Never liked it or hated it much, but I gave it a shot a bunch of times mostly because of the cave girl. You're right, that smile was something.

At my high school the only guy with shaved eyebrows was a jock/redneck who lost a bet on the Super Bowl and couldn't pay. He agreed to shave them off to settle the debt. Swirlies (sp?), a shook up coke opening in the face, or deodorant on the face were the usual order of business for picking on geeks. Sleeping on a trip might get the old white toothpaste around the mouth, or locked in the bus toilet during a rough patch of road if it was a band trip on a chartered bus.

Rex would have been a good candidate for home schooling at my high school. I knew a few guys almost like that. They made me look cool by comparison, no mean feat that.
Re: Cavegirl
Reply #2. Posted on February 16, 2007, 11:48:25 PM by Torgo
I checked on IMDB and it doesn't list any acting credits past 1989 for the chick who played the Cave Girl.

I wonder what happened to her...................
Re: Cavegirl
Reply #3. Posted on November 20, 2007, 09:25:07 PM by Scott71
To anyone who can help me: What is the name of the group and song playing during the gratitious love scene at the end of the movie?

All I remember is some of the lyrics: "Where is love, show me your love, how deep is your love" . . .

Any help would be GREATLY appreciated. It's killing me and I'm racking my brain trying to remember!

Thanks in advance
Re: Cavegirl
Reply #4. Posted on November 21, 2007, 04:54:34 PM by Andrew
To anyone who can help me: What is the name of the group and song playing during the gratitious love scene at the end of the movie?


Per the end credits:  Music by Jon St. James

Would you believe that no group or performers are credited at all?  However, I found the girl who sung the two pop songs that occupy most of the soundtrack:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stacey_Q

I cannot find any credit for "How Deep is Your Love?" at all.  I think that getting in touch with the director or someone else involved in the film might be the best way.


Re: Cavegirl
Reply #5. Posted on November 08, 2009, 07:37:20 PM by caveguy
Unbelievable...i got the new 12 movies in 1 DVD of the Crown releases called "Too Cool for School" which featured some great 70's & 80's films including Tom Boy, The Beach Girls, The Van, Weekend Pass and Cave girl.

The Actress / Cavegirl in the movie was so beautiful and had that innocent charm and just lit up every scene she was in....even though the movie is pretty bad!

Now i researched on her online (out of curiosity of course to she if she did anything else and while she did, very limited and mostly in the 80's) and found some really depressing news.

She passed away this year...she was 50...and no cause of death given..rest in peace

Here is what was written in the Obituary of that newpaper / online paper

(Picture online)

Cynthia Ann Thompson Glum (1959 - 2009)

Cynthia Ann Thompson Glum June 24, 1959- October 10, 2009 Cynthia Thompson Glum, age 50, went to be with the Lord on Saturday October 10, 2009 in Bakersfield. She is survived by her husband, Gary Glum; sons, Knokos and Britannia; mother, Pat Rhoades; and brothers, Michael, and David Thompson, and numerous uncles, Aunts, cousins and large extended family. She was preceded in death by her father, Roy L. Thompson. Born in Santa Maria, CA, Cindy was a special angel, born with inner beauty that touched the lives of those around her. She always had a beautiful smile for everyone and a delightful sense of humor. Cynthia loved her entire family but her children were the two most important people in her life. She was a wonderful mom and best friend to them. Services to be held at Greenlawn Mortuary (River Blvd) at 10:00 AM, Friday October 16, 2009. The service will be officiated by Garth Black, Westside Church of Christ and her cousin Darren Thompson. The family wishes to thank her " surrogate parents", Don and Judy Baize for their constant loving care. Special thanks to her Aunt Barbara and uncle Leroy Pflugh, who generously opened their home and cared for Cindy. Also, a thank you must be given to Dr. Eileen Matuk, whose compassion is greatly appreciated.

More?  Bakersfield.com Search her name
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