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CEMETERY MAN - 3 Slimes
Rated R
Copyright 1993 Audifilm-Urania Film
Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'

The Characters:  

  • Francesco Dellamorte - Cemetery caretaker who hates being called an "Engineer." Pretty laid back for a guy who has zombies crawling all over the place.
  • Gnaghi - Seems to be an idiot, pretty much says, "Nah!" to everything.
  • She - Drop dead GORGEOUS girl who haunts Francesco through the movie as seemingly three alternate versions. Version number one is zombie chow, and version two burns to death.
  • Valentina - Mayor's daughter and a traffic fatality, her severed head (Zombiefied.) is in love with Gnaghi until Francesco blows a hole through it.
  • Inspector Straniero - Entirely daft policeman, some madman is killing people and he never even suspects the disturbed cemetery caretaker.
  • Franco - Town clerk, loses his mind for some reason.
  • Claudio - Young motorcyclist, dies in a messy traffic accident.
  • The Mayor - Annoying guy, I'm glad his daughter's "flying zombie head of doom" chews his neck out.
  • Death - Creepy and evil avatar which possesses a statue in the cemetery, not happy with Francesco for killing the zombies.
  • The Zombies - Anyone recently dead, killed in the usual way (Shoot the brain.)

Buy It!

The Plot: 

"Dellamorte Dellamore" (Original title.) is quite the hidden gem. Francesco, a troubled cemetery caretaker, has problems with the dead. Mainly the pesky buggers refuse to stay dead, rising from their graves as hideous zombies within one week of burial. (A pretty common occurrence in Italy we can all agree.) He complains to the town hall, shoots them, and even splits their heads with a shovel. Then She comes into his life, still mourning the death of her husband they fall hopelessly in love. Number one reason it's hopeless? Dead hubby wakes up and kills her before Gnaghi splits the zombie's head open. Did I mention Gnaghi? This guy is AWESOMELY funny, he spends most of the film appearing to be a sputtering idiot. Little bit on the heavy side and constantly eating with a one word vocabulary, you can say a great deal with one word (Depending on inflection, length, volume.), especially when that word is "Nah!" Back to our poor hero, of course his love comes back and he's forced to shoot her. No adverse impact on your mental health there, shooting the woman you love. To make matters worse, he soon begins encountering strange alternate versions of her, all of which find themselves strangely attracted to him. Still, they're women and screw him over. (Shut up, sit down.) Gnaghi falls in love too, with the Mayor's daughter. Her death is the kindling flame of their romance as the happy goof digs up the corpse and pulls the head off to take home. Gnaghi merrily playing a tune while the rotting head sings is plenty whacked, plus he has her mounted inside the demolished television set. (It was shot by accident while battling zombies.) Plenty of oddities in this one, Francesco talking to the statue of Death in the cemetery, the entire movie occurs inside a snowglobe (Long story...), those weird little "blue lights" which flit around, and our main character going on a killing spree. My recommendation for this movie? "Nah!"

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • Never send the autistic guy to rake leaves on a windy day.
  • Ossuaries make women horny.
  • Never have sex on your dead husband's grave.
  • Women's veins are full of thick, black blood. (Knew that...)
  • People who have been stitched back together after being decapitated by a bus should not have glass caskets.
  • Earthquakes are caused by zombies riding motorcycles underground.
  • Italians will top spaghetti with anything, even bananas.
  • Erections frighten women.
  • Having a four inch needle jammed into your testicle causes temporary impotence.
  • Men can fake orgasms too. (Ha!)
  • Never take a space heater to bed.
  • If you want to live, stay out of Italian hospitals.

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • 8 mins - She had better get naked at some point or I'm getting mad.
  • 17 mins - Flying blue flames?
  • 20 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
  • 34 mins - When did Francesco put pants on? He was in the shower when the zombies attacked...
  • 39 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A TV!
  • 47 mins - Gnaghi, you are in love with a severed head!
  • 53 mins - Killed the woman you love huh? Oops.
  • 59 mins - Francesco needs about three years of couch sessions.
  • 72 mins - What the HELL is going on? Where did she come from?
  • 79 mins - Again?
  • 85 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A NUN, A DOCTOR, AND A NURSE!

 Audio clips in wav formatSOUNDSStarving actors speak out 

FileDialog
Green Music Note cemeteryman1.wav Straniero: "Oh sure, he came back from the dead. He raped her then bit her to death. Is that what he did?"
Green Music Note cemeteryman2.wav Death: "Stop killing the dead, they're mine. If you don't want the dead coming back to life why don't you just kill the living?"
Green Music Note cemeteryman3.wav Francesco: "You're supposed to be setting a good example. Now will you get back to your coffin immediately!"
Green Music Note cemeteryman4.wav Gnaghi: "Nah!"

 Click for a larger imageIMAGESScenes from the movie 

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 Watch a sceneVIDEOMPEG video files 

Video Clipcemeteryman1.mpg - 2.5m
Zombie Boy Scouts!

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Internet Movie Database


Comments:Write CommentPages: 1 2 [3] 4 5 6
Cemetery Man
Reply #17. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Izzy
This is, no doubt, one of my all time faves. HOW COULD YOU GUYS NOT HAVE LIKED THAT ENDING?! It could be the best part of the film! Anyways, it really is one of the best movies ever. A film for those who like comedy("Stop, he's only eating me!"), Violence ("If you want to prevent the dead from returning to life why not just kill the living?")Romance (Gnaghi and....ugh...the head....), and Drama (Dellamorte's personal anguish). AN INSTANT CLASSIC. Shame on all of you who didn't like this masterpiece.
Cemetery Man
Reply #18. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Cham
A little too artsy for me but a decent flick. I love zombies and this one's got em. Loved the Rupert Everett character. And the Curly-esque sidekick that says "nah" a lot. And the ash-made Grim Reaper thing was cool. I give it a 3/5.

Cemetery Man
Reply #19. Posted on February 04, 2001, 02:17:46 AM by carl
EXCELLENT MOVIE!  Disturbing, funny, and provocative all rolled into one strange artsy gory film.  Filled with simple violence but then tackles deep issues like the rest of the world not even being there or your life just being in a snow globe.  Absolutely great movie.  Not to be mean but how did some of you not get it?
Cemetery Man
Reply #20. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by nekromantika
Ladies and germs...this is amazing italian movie.
not only its done by one of Argento's fiends,but it had this amazing atmosphere..colors,sounds, effects..blew my mind. rupert and anna (im drooling)OOOOOooooo
  Naggi,the cutie..the whole idea is piece of artwerk which is one and only.. 7 morticia's thumbs up..(7?)
meow
Cemetery Man
Reply #21. Posted on November 15, 2002, 02:34:18 PM by Kyle
I want to see this movie...  If anyone knows where I can buy it online, I would greatly appreciate it if you email me the link...
Cemetery Man
Reply #22. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by irrealist
People who hated the ending of this movie are pretty lame. It was a great movie, much more than just a boring horror film. I saw it at the theater the day it came out, which was probably the only day it was out. Love the combination of zombies and surrealism. I can't watch movies unless it is either surreal or has zombies in it, this has both. SHATTER DEAD is another great one. Watch that. Oh yeah, it was also totally stupid, like when the girls head was walking around. I love stupid movies. But I don't love people who wanted the existentialism taken out. Those people are gay.
Cemetery Man
Reply #23. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by surucucu
i dunno, this movie never did it for me; i kept falling asleep. the only thing that could really hold my interest was that GORGEOUS ITALIAN FOX!! if not for her, i would've considered the 90-or-so minutes i spent watching this movie a complete and utter waste.
Cemetery Man
Reply #24. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Bill Hinzman
i am writing a script for a zombie movie that i am making
in the summer.it is set in a small housing estate called heaven hill.a chemical spill causes the dead to rise and 4 survivors lock themselves in a underground bunker.
through the night more + more zombies come and groan on the survivors.

this is influenced by George A.Romero's Dead trilogy.i love his dead trilogy but i only own "night of the living dead" + "dawn of the dead".do u know where i could get day of the dead in a store(not the net)?
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