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CEMETERY MAN - 3 Slimes
Rated R
Copyright 1993 Audifilm-Urania Film
Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'

The Characters:  

  • Francesco Dellamorte - Cemetery caretaker who hates being called an "Engineer." Pretty laid back for a guy who has zombies crawling all over the place.
  • Gnaghi - Seems to be an idiot, pretty much says, "Nah!" to everything.
  • She - Drop dead GORGEOUS girl who haunts Francesco through the movie as seemingly three alternate versions. Version number one is zombie chow, and version two burns to death.
  • Valentina - Mayor's daughter and a traffic fatality, her severed head (Zombiefied.) is in love with Gnaghi until Francesco blows a hole through it.
  • Inspector Straniero - Entirely daft policeman, some madman is killing people and he never even suspects the disturbed cemetery caretaker.
  • Franco - Town clerk, loses his mind for some reason.
  • Claudio - Young motorcyclist, dies in a messy traffic accident.
  • The Mayor - Annoying guy, I'm glad his daughter's "flying zombie head of doom" chews his neck out.
  • Death - Creepy and evil avatar which possesses a statue in the cemetery, not happy with Francesco for killing the zombies.
  • The Zombies - Anyone recently dead, killed in the usual way (Shoot the brain.)

Buy It!

The Plot: 

"Dellamorte Dellamore" (Original title.) is quite the hidden gem. Francesco, a troubled cemetery caretaker, has problems with the dead. Mainly the pesky buggers refuse to stay dead, rising from their graves as hideous zombies within one week of burial. (A pretty common occurrence in Italy we can all agree.) He complains to the town hall, shoots them, and even splits their heads with a shovel. Then She comes into his life, still mourning the death of her husband they fall hopelessly in love. Number one reason it's hopeless? Dead hubby wakes up and kills her before Gnaghi splits the zombie's head open. Did I mention Gnaghi? This guy is AWESOMELY funny, he spends most of the film appearing to be a sputtering idiot. Little bit on the heavy side and constantly eating with a one word vocabulary, you can say a great deal with one word (Depending on inflection, length, volume.), especially when that word is "Nah!" Back to our poor hero, of course his love comes back and he's forced to shoot her. No adverse impact on your mental health there, shooting the woman you love. To make matters worse, he soon begins encountering strange alternate versions of her, all of which find themselves strangely attracted to him. Still, they're women and screw him over. (Shut up, sit down.) Gnaghi falls in love too, with the Mayor's daughter. Her death is the kindling flame of their romance as the happy goof digs up the corpse and pulls the head off to take home. Gnaghi merrily playing a tune while the rotting head sings is plenty whacked, plus he has her mounted inside the demolished television set. (It was shot by accident while battling zombies.) Plenty of oddities in this one, Francesco talking to the statue of Death in the cemetery, the entire movie occurs inside a snowglobe (Long story...), those weird little "blue lights" which flit around, and our main character going on a killing spree. My recommendation for this movie? "Nah!"

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • Never send the autistic guy to rake leaves on a windy day.
  • Ossuaries make women horny.
  • Never have sex on your dead husband's grave.
  • Women's veins are full of thick, black blood. (Knew that...)
  • People who have been stitched back together after being decapitated by a bus should not have glass caskets.
  • Earthquakes are caused by zombies riding motorcycles underground.
  • Italians will top spaghetti with anything, even bananas.
  • Erections frighten women.
  • Having a four inch needle jammed into your testicle causes temporary impotence.
  • Men can fake orgasms too. (Ha!)
  • Never take a space heater to bed.
  • If you want to live, stay out of Italian hospitals.

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • 8 mins - She had better get naked at some point or I'm getting mad.
  • 17 mins - Flying blue flames?
  • 20 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
  • 34 mins - When did Francesco put pants on? He was in the shower when the zombies attacked...
  • 39 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A TV!
  • 47 mins - Gnaghi, you are in love with a severed head!
  • 53 mins - Killed the woman you love huh? Oops.
  • 59 mins - Francesco needs about three years of couch sessions.
  • 72 mins - What the HELL is going on? Where did she come from?
  • 79 mins - Again?
  • 85 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A NUN, A DOCTOR, AND A NURSE!

 Audio clips in wav formatSOUNDSStarving actors speak out 

FileDialog
Green Music Note cemeteryman1.wav Straniero: "Oh sure, he came back from the dead. He raped her then bit her to death. Is that what he did?"
Green Music Note cemeteryman2.wav Death: "Stop killing the dead, they're mine. If you don't want the dead coming back to life why don't you just kill the living?"
Green Music Note cemeteryman3.wav Francesco: "You're supposed to be setting a good example. Now will you get back to your coffin immediately!"
Green Music Note cemeteryman4.wav Gnaghi: "Nah!"

 Click for a larger imageIMAGESScenes from the movie 

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 Watch a sceneVIDEOMPEG video files 

Video Clipcemeteryman1.mpg - 2.5m
Zombie Boy Scouts!

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Internet Movie Database


Comments:Write CommentPages: 1 ... 3 4 [5] 6
Cemetery Man
Reply #33. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by James Perry
This is a yearly tradition at my house during October.  This film is beautiful to look at...well, except all those dead Returners.  Ha ha!  The Curly look-a-look is exceptional!  When he falls for that girl's head...!  Damn!  Just damn!  I think it goes a little in the wrong direction when he starts killing live people.  But on the other hand, it's unexpected.  And I like "unexpected" in my horror films.  How about that scene in the...well, whatever that place was with all the skulls?  Zombie boy scouts!  Day of the Dead had bizarro stuff like that too!
Cemetery Man
Reply #34. Posted on August 19, 2003, 08:30:08 PM by Joe
 I saw this film years ago and I thought it was very long. If i remember rightly I fell asleep half way through.
Cemetery Man
Reply #35. Posted on August 08, 2003, 09:05:50 PM by Cynthia
It is important to mention that Francesco is hot. Hot, hot hot. So there is eye candy for the women (and alternatively living men) out there too. Plus, when you get to the end you get the sense of this almost being a ....great movie!!
Cemetery Man
Reply #36. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Jim
Cemetary Man is a good zombie movie, but it just throws all its cards out the window in the end. Let me explain. For the majority of the movie, it's an interesting zombie movie with very interesting characters. All Everet's character is concerned about is reading the phone book and yakking on the phone instead of the walking dead. He just sits there carving X's in bullets and blowing them away without even looking at them. His partner is mentally retarted and has a fixation on the dead girl's zombified head. Fun times. But the problem comes when Death appears and the film does a 180 on us. I'm not saying the last bit in the movie was bad, but the whole serious Jacob's Ladder-ish tone was lost on me.
Cemetery Man
Reply #37. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by crazycat
I love this movie. There are many great quotes, as well as a great soundtrack - "Never Should Have Gone on the Boyscout Picnic" The grim reaper is beyond cool, adn there a couple other great shots. The ending, well to understand the end go back and look closely at the beginning. It actually is somewhat artistic which makes it a good film. now I need to get back to my phone books.
Cemetery Man
Reply #38. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Spider
I LOVE this movie. I have seen it time and time again and even have subjected many friends to its gore and humour. In fact its the dark humour that stays with me, to the point that I forget to warn my queasy friends about the gorey parts ( " Look I FORGOT about the ugly guy dressed up as a nun getting "her" face bashed in repeatedly! Honestly!")

It also has this nifty little tune that is played throughout the movie either as background music, Delamorte whistling it, or Gnaghi playing it on his coffin shaped violin. You only get the words once.....sung by the mayor's daughter's head (Before death she thought Gnaghi would make a cute pet....after a terrible accident dealing with her, her boyfriends biker gang and a bus load of boyscouts though she finds herself as a sort of bodiless girlfriend for our poor sloppy Gnaghi).

"There comes a time when death is sad
You're all alone and you feel so bad
To wait again for love to start
To feel the beating of the heart"

I had to rewind that scene three times to get the words........ otherwise I would have never gotten the perky lil tune out of my head.

If you like dark humour, sloppy sidekicks, wonderfully artistic camera shots, zombie blasting action, and some worthwhile nudity then this movie is a MUST!

Cemetery Man
Reply #39. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Zero
The girl as some already know is half Itallian-half Swedish actress ANNA FALCHI, known to perveyors of fine girly magazines simply as ANNA FROM HEAVEN!! In case you were wondering- yes, she's had a boob job. And no, she's not available because she spends all her free time dating European princes and other asorted mega rich dudes. (Ain't that a b***h!!) Also, Rupert Everett turned gay after his sex scene with her. What's up with that!!
Cemetery Man
Reply #40. Posted on June 25, 2004, 10:46:57 PM by Me
Is it just me, or does the fat guy look like Drew Carey with out glasses?
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