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CEMETERY MAN - 3 Slimes
Rated R
Copyright 1993 Audifilm-Urania Film
Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'

The Characters:  

  • Francesco Dellamorte - Cemetery caretaker who hates being called an "Engineer." Pretty laid back for a guy who has zombies crawling all over the place.
  • Gnaghi - Seems to be an idiot, pretty much says, "Nah!" to everything.
  • She - Drop dead GORGEOUS girl who haunts Francesco through the movie as seemingly three alternate versions. Version number one is zombie chow, and version two burns to death.
  • Valentina - Mayor's daughter and a traffic fatality, her severed head (Zombiefied.) is in love with Gnaghi until Francesco blows a hole through it.
  • Inspector Straniero - Entirely daft policeman, some madman is killing people and he never even suspects the disturbed cemetery caretaker.
  • Franco - Town clerk, loses his mind for some reason.
  • Claudio - Young motorcyclist, dies in a messy traffic accident.
  • The Mayor - Annoying guy, I'm glad his daughter's "flying zombie head of doom" chews his neck out.
  • Death - Creepy and evil avatar which possesses a statue in the cemetery, not happy with Francesco for killing the zombies.
  • The Zombies - Anyone recently dead, killed in the usual way (Shoot the brain.)

Buy It!

The Plot: 

"Dellamorte Dellamore" (Original title.) is quite the hidden gem. Francesco, a troubled cemetery caretaker, has problems with the dead. Mainly the pesky buggers refuse to stay dead, rising from their graves as hideous zombies within one week of burial. (A pretty common occurrence in Italy we can all agree.) He complains to the town hall, shoots them, and even splits their heads with a shovel. Then She comes into his life, still mourning the death of her husband they fall hopelessly in love. Number one reason it's hopeless? Dead hubby wakes up and kills her before Gnaghi splits the zombie's head open. Did I mention Gnaghi? This guy is AWESOMELY funny, he spends most of the film appearing to be a sputtering idiot. Little bit on the heavy side and constantly eating with a one word vocabulary, you can say a great deal with one word (Depending on inflection, length, volume.), especially when that word is "Nah!" Back to our poor hero, of course his love comes back and he's forced to shoot her. No adverse impact on your mental health there, shooting the woman you love. To make matters worse, he soon begins encountering strange alternate versions of her, all of which find themselves strangely attracted to him. Still, they're women and screw him over. (Shut up, sit down.) Gnaghi falls in love too, with the Mayor's daughter. Her death is the kindling flame of their romance as the happy goof digs up the corpse and pulls the head off to take home. Gnaghi merrily playing a tune while the rotting head sings is plenty whacked, plus he has her mounted inside the demolished television set. (It was shot by accident while battling zombies.) Plenty of oddities in this one, Francesco talking to the statue of Death in the cemetery, the entire movie occurs inside a snowglobe (Long story...), those weird little "blue lights" which flit around, and our main character going on a killing spree. My recommendation for this movie? "Nah!"

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • Never send the autistic guy to rake leaves on a windy day.
  • Ossuaries make women horny.
  • Never have sex on your dead husband's grave.
  • Women's veins are full of thick, black blood. (Knew that...)
  • People who have been stitched back together after being decapitated by a bus should not have glass caskets.
  • Earthquakes are caused by zombies riding motorcycles underground.
  • Italians will top spaghetti with anything, even bananas.
  • Erections frighten women.
  • Having a four inch needle jammed into your testicle causes temporary impotence.
  • Men can fake orgasms too. (Ha!)
  • Never take a space heater to bed.
  • If you want to live, stay out of Italian hospitals.

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • 8 mins - She had better get naked at some point or I'm getting mad.
  • 17 mins - Flying blue flames?
  • 20 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
  • 34 mins - When did Francesco put pants on? He was in the shower when the zombies attacked...
  • 39 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A TV!
  • 47 mins - Gnaghi, you are in love with a severed head!
  • 53 mins - Killed the woman you love huh? Oops.
  • 59 mins - Francesco needs about three years of couch sessions.
  • 72 mins - What the HELL is going on? Where did she come from?
  • 79 mins - Again?
  • 85 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A NUN, A DOCTOR, AND A NURSE!

 Audio clips in wav formatSOUNDSStarving actors speak out 

FileDialog
Green Music Note cemeteryman1.wav Straniero: "Oh sure, he came back from the dead. He raped her then bit her to death. Is that what he did?"
Green Music Note cemeteryman2.wav Death: "Stop killing the dead, they're mine. If you don't want the dead coming back to life why don't you just kill the living?"
Green Music Note cemeteryman3.wav Francesco: "You're supposed to be setting a good example. Now will you get back to your coffin immediately!"
Green Music Note cemeteryman4.wav Gnaghi: "Nah!"

 Click for a larger imageIMAGESScenes from the movie 

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 Watch a sceneVIDEOMPEG video files 

Video Clipcemeteryman1.mpg - 2.5m
Zombie Boy Scouts!

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Internet Movie Database


Comments:Write CommentPages: 1 ... 4 5 [6]
Cemetery Man
Reply #41. Posted on April 28, 2005, 06:41:08 PM by jacob
this is the best moive ever but it was hard to find to buy i love it !!!!!!!!
Cemetery Man
Reply #42. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Samb
OK. (One more time...) LOVE this site! "Cemetery Man" is indeed on the same level as "Evil Dead". Play these two movies for your friends who say they don't like gore- they might just convert. My video copy of a Japanese laser disc is quite entertaining (English with Japanese subtitles makes it even more surreal.) I concur that there's so much more in this than meets the eye. Existentialism smexestentialism. Watch it again. The SHADOw of death is in SO many scenes- look hard. As for the ending- I thoroughly enjoyed the plot twists and turns. Seemed like the movie was going to end 4 different times- but it kept going in new & bizarre directions. If you liked this aspect of "Cemetery Man" you absolutely positively MUST see Zulawski's "POSSESSION"!!! Isabella Adjani & Sam Neil in the most F***ed up movie ever released. I watched it 3 nights in a row with an ever growing crowd of friends, and we still don't know what happened. It will twist your mind forever. UNF****ING real!
Cemetery Man
Reply #43. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Samantha
Oh, I just loved this movie when I saw it! I remember it was when two of my friends were watching another friend's house...and so we all decided to watch a crazy movie. We ended watching this and Mae...and had a blast. This one especially was great! Not that Mae isn't....wow.
Cemetery Man
Reply #44. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Dominick
I thought the film was a fun parody of the "Living Dead" films. Besides, any film with Anna Falchi can't be all bad.
Re: Cemetery Man
Reply #45. Posted on February 18, 2007, 02:10:21 AM by Joe the Destroyer
Just caught the film.  It's decent, but it's definitely one of those films I'm going to have to think about for a few days before I decide whether or not I fully like it.  I was the same way with Cello.  At first, I didn't like it and I got rid of the movie.  A couple weeks later, I suddenly liked it again and could only find the film for twice what I originally paid for it. 

Of course, I still wound up buying it again anyway...
Re: Cemetery Man
Reply #46. Posted on February 22, 2007, 11:50:04 PM by Torgo
I actually got to see Cemetary Man at a local art house theater during it's extremely limited US run back around 1994 (I think).

I'm so glad that Anchor Bay finally got around to giving it a proper Region 1 DVD release.
Re: Cemetery Man
Reply #47. Posted on December 28, 2009, 06:53:02 AM by dutchDrake
The grim reaper looks a lot like the grim reaper from the N64 videogame Castlevania: Legacy of darkness!
A grim reaper with wings.
Re: Cemetery Man
Reply #48. Posted on January 31, 2011, 06:51:49 PM by Elena
It's the "good cheesy" type of awesome oldschool horror movie ..with very cool enchanting soundtrack. Very dark and pretty.
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