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CEMETERY MAN - 3 Slimes
Rated R
Copyright 1993 Audifilm-Urania Film
Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'

The Characters:  

  • Francesco Dellamorte - Cemetery caretaker who hates being called an "Engineer." Pretty laid back for a guy who has zombies crawling all over the place.
  • Gnaghi - Seems to be an idiot, pretty much says, "Nah!" to everything.
  • She - Drop dead GORGEOUS girl who haunts Francesco through the movie as seemingly three alternate versions. Version number one is zombie chow, and version two burns to death.
  • Valentina - Mayor's daughter and a traffic fatality, her severed head (Zombiefied.) is in love with Gnaghi until Francesco blows a hole through it.
  • Inspector Straniero - Entirely daft policeman, some madman is killing people and he never even suspects the disturbed cemetery caretaker.
  • Franco - Town clerk, loses his mind for some reason.
  • Claudio - Young motorcyclist, dies in a messy traffic accident.
  • The Mayor - Annoying guy, I'm glad his daughter's "flying zombie head of doom" chews his neck out.
  • Death - Creepy and evil avatar which possesses a statue in the cemetery, not happy with Francesco for killing the zombies.
  • The Zombies - Anyone recently dead, killed in the usual way (Shoot the brain.)

Buy It!

The Plot: 

"Dellamorte Dellamore" (Original title.) is quite the hidden gem. Francesco, a troubled cemetery caretaker, has problems with the dead. Mainly the pesky buggers refuse to stay dead, rising from their graves as hideous zombies within one week of burial. (A pretty common occurrence in Italy we can all agree.) He complains to the town hall, shoots them, and even splits their heads with a shovel. Then She comes into his life, still mourning the death of her husband they fall hopelessly in love. Number one reason it's hopeless? Dead hubby wakes up and kills her before Gnaghi splits the zombie's head open. Did I mention Gnaghi? This guy is AWESOMELY funny, he spends most of the film appearing to be a sputtering idiot. Little bit on the heavy side and constantly eating with a one word vocabulary, you can say a great deal with one word (Depending on inflection, length, volume.), especially when that word is "Nah!" Back to our poor hero, of course his love comes back and he's forced to shoot her. No adverse impact on your mental health there, shooting the woman you love. To make matters worse, he soon begins encountering strange alternate versions of her, all of which find themselves strangely attracted to him. Still, they're women and screw him over. (Shut up, sit down.) Gnaghi falls in love too, with the Mayor's daughter. Her death is the kindling flame of their romance as the happy goof digs up the corpse and pulls the head off to take home. Gnaghi merrily playing a tune while the rotting head sings is plenty whacked, plus he has her mounted inside the demolished television set. (It was shot by accident while battling zombies.) Plenty of oddities in this one, Francesco talking to the statue of Death in the cemetery, the entire movie occurs inside a snowglobe (Long story...), those weird little "blue lights" which flit around, and our main character going on a killing spree. My recommendation for this movie? "Nah!"

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • Never send the autistic guy to rake leaves on a windy day.
  • Ossuaries make women horny.
  • Never have sex on your dead husband's grave.
  • Women's veins are full of thick, black blood. (Knew that...)
  • People who have been stitched back together after being decapitated by a bus should not have glass caskets.
  • Earthquakes are caused by zombies riding motorcycles underground.
  • Italians will top spaghetti with anything, even bananas.
  • Erections frighten women.
  • Having a four inch needle jammed into your testicle causes temporary impotence.
  • Men can fake orgasms too. (Ha!)
  • Never take a space heater to bed.
  • If you want to live, stay out of Italian hospitals.

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • 8 mins - She had better get naked at some point or I'm getting mad.
  • 17 mins - Flying blue flames?
  • 20 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
  • 34 mins - When did Francesco put pants on? He was in the shower when the zombies attacked...
  • 39 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A TV!
  • 47 mins - Gnaghi, you are in love with a severed head!
  • 53 mins - Killed the woman you love huh? Oops.
  • 59 mins - Francesco needs about three years of couch sessions.
  • 72 mins - What the HELL is going on? Where did she come from?
  • 79 mins - Again?
  • 85 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A NUN, A DOCTOR, AND A NURSE!

 Audio clips in wav formatSOUNDSStarving actors speak out 

FileDialog
Green Music Note cemeteryman1.wav Straniero: "Oh sure, he came back from the dead. He raped her then bit her to death. Is that what he did?"
Green Music Note cemeteryman2.wav Death: "Stop killing the dead, they're mine. If you don't want the dead coming back to life why don't you just kill the living?"
Green Music Note cemeteryman3.wav Francesco: "You're supposed to be setting a good example. Now will you get back to your coffin immediately!"
Green Music Note cemeteryman4.wav Gnaghi: "Nah!"

 Click for a larger imageIMAGESScenes from the movie 

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 Watch a sceneVIDEOMPEG video files 

Video Clipcemeteryman1.mpg - 2.5m
Zombie Boy Scouts!

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Internet Movie Database


Comments:Write CommentPages: 1 [2] 3 4 ... 6
Cemetery Man
Reply #9. Posted on February 11, 2000, 10:33:15 AM by paulwestbrook
What can I say? I love zombie movies, so no doubt about it, I would probably recommend this film strongly. Anyone want to tell me their favourite low budget films contact me at paulwestbrook998@hotmail.com
Cemetery Man
Reply #10. Posted on March 20, 2000, 10:19:53 PM by Vermin Boy
Wow... *weird* movie. Can't say I'm too fond of the ending, but I love other aspects: Gnaghi, the mayor ("How are *things* down at the cemetery?"), the subplot with the mayor's daughter's head (the scene where Dellamorte walks in to see the head singing to Gnaghi had me LMAO), the extremely hot girl, the odd obsessions with phone books and dead leaves... Sort of a sexy, foreigny Evil Dead with David Lynch overtones. Except for the ending, it's my kind of movie. Oh, yeah, and the title character is played by Rupert Everett, who would make it big in American movies a few years later.
Cemetery Man
Reply #11. Posted on May 19, 2000, 03:57:14 PM by jason hyde
quite possibly the best horror film of the last decade. really. not that its competition is particularly imposing or anything. still, this would be impressive against just about anything. a great gory horror movie, a hilarious black comedy, and finally a weird existential art flick. just great. soavi showed promise with earlier films like the sect, but here he really delivers. beautifully photographed with lots of absurd humor.
some trivia points for people so inclined - this is based on the italian dylan dog comic, the main character in the strip was patterned after star rupert everett. the whole subplot of dellamorte deciding to have his penis removed for a woman who changes her mind about sex in his absence is an elaborate reference to the tod browning/lon chaney classic the unkown. there's also two references to vertigo in cemetary man. enjoy...
Cemetery Man
Reply #12. Posted on July 20, 2000, 01:46:45 AM by Katherine
Anybody undertand this movie? I mean, killing zombies is all good and fun, but then the film just veers off onto a whole other astral plane. I just sat there at the end and said, "Huh?". And shame on you, no mention of Rupert Everett, and he's the main character! I wonder what fans of My Best Friend's Wedding would think. . . .
Cemetery Man
Reply #13. Posted on July 24, 2000, 04:53:16 PM by swykk
i have the uncut version of this under its original title and there's tons more nudity n gore!!!  rupert has his best role EVER here.  the best is the ramdom drive by shooting spree.  there's nothing wrong with gatuitous violence so f**k you mpaa!!!
Cemetery Man
Reply #14. Posted on September 10, 2000, 05:34:24 PM by BoyScoutKevin
The makers of this film could have driven a busload of American tourists off the cliff and nobody would have blinked an eye, but, a busload of young Italian boyscouts, who were Catholic? This scene and that scene in LOTWW, makes me think that not only our webmaster, but Europeans have something against the boyscouts. Anyway, a great scene, and a great film.
Cemetery Man
Reply #15. Posted on September 24, 2000, 11:03:28 PM by Mandy
I just saw this movie last night. I liked it - why is it listed on "badmovies.org"? I thought it was extremely witty and it kept my attention. I usually fall asleep during most movies (at night, when I'm at home that is) but this one was definately worth watching. Right up there with Evil Dead. Hmm, and Rupert Everett is yummy.
Cemetery Man
Reply #16. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:03 PM by patOlOgen
This is actually a real gem! It has got everything you´d expect from a genremovie like this. Gore, random acts of violence, some nudity and a lot of humour. What makes this outstanding is it´s production, the camerawork, setting, editing and of course the music! It tells that Michelle Soavi (apprentice of Dario Argento) has been around for a while.
This one ranks with the best zombieflicks out there! Do not miss it!
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