|Copyright 1986 Orion Pictures Corporation
| Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 14 May 2001
- Sam - Corporate poster child who is searching for a piece of the American Dream. When did that involve owning a sexaroid?
- E. Johnson - Melanie Griffith! The best tracker alive. She has red hair, is great with a lasso, knows how to shoot, and has a musclecar. Is that "Dreamweaver" playing?
- Six Fingered Jake - Ben Johnson! Retired tracker that lives in the wastelands. His last big find was a warehouse full of toaster ovens, so his cave is overflowing with the appliances. Shot in the back.
- Cherry - An artificial woman programmed to be the ultimate wife and erotic companion. So good in bed that men compare her to a cephalopod. I don't know about you, but having sex with a mollusk sounds nasty to me.
- Ginger - Sam's old girlfriend and even more of a ditz than his robot.
- Lester - Tim Thomerson! He hates trackers and thinks the only way to really reach a person involves the ballistic displacement of brain matter. A little on the dead side as the ending credits roll.
- A lot of people with names like "Randa" and "Earl:" One of them is Brion James! Cutthroats and backstabbers living on the edge of civilization.
|Sam has a serious problem on his hands. After years of misuse his Cherry 2000 sexaroid experiences a serious meltdown during some adult play on the sudsy kitchen floor (the dishwasher is overflowing at the time). It seems that an o-ring gave way somewhere and copious amounts of water leaked into her internal system, thereby resulting in a short circuit. All the "Number 69 alive" jokes aside, the fact that she shorted is frightening. I would have serious reservations about inserting a part of my body into anything running enough current to power a major appliance. Especially when the member in question is known for its discharge of fluids. The only solution might be a three pronged manhood, but that just conjures up some images from some offensive anime movie.
The young urban professional is absolutely devastated by his loss; he has little to no hope of finding a replacement. Apparently some global catastrophe has befallen the world (I'm voting for nuclear war) and America's manufacturing capacity is seriously outpaced by demand. So, the exquisite Cherry is no longer being produced by honest Teamster cardholders. It is the sort of world where a woman can be brought to tears by inheriting a trove of toaster ovens and recycling is big business. Ick, used sex robots - not good. Listerine stock would jump through the roof after studies proved it prevented the transmission of STDs by sharing Oral Annie with your buddies, but let's not go there.
Dating is what drove Sam to explore the ins and outs of artificial sex. In the future Yuppies overwhelmed mainstream society and unfortunately infected everything they touched. Now casual sex is a legal process, worked out in clubs between interested parties and nobody goes to bed without a lawyer checking the contract. You read me correct, people sign in triplicate before bumping uglies. Anything not in the deal is grounds for a lawsuit! We even see Larry Fishburne (good call on the name change Morpheus) haggling out the details of a pleasure soaked evening between two people. Perhaps that is what finally clued him in to our existence being a grand illusion: the sheer ridiculous idea of having an "oral clause." Anyway, I hope the singles scene never comes to that. If anyone is going to get sued for casual sex, let's keep it to professional sports players.
What's a guy with binary love on his mind to do? Well, there is only one choice really: hiring a tracker to find a new Cherry 2000. Sam travels out to a gritty border town and buys the best tracker available, E. Johnson. With her supercharged red Mustang and experience they should have a good chance of surviving in the wastelands. Miles of scrub and desert... ...nuclear war is going to cause very little change in the Southwest. While you and I are finding out what it feels like to become plasma the residents of somewhere Arizona will be wondering what the sound and light show is all about.
Even when you have replaced your parking brake with a jet engine throttle things can be tough, as the questing pair soon find out. While dodging crazy brigands Johnson begins falling for Sam, but he is too busy to notice. Obsessing about his defunct companion to the extreme, he even brought along Cherry's memory chip and a player just to hear her voice. Wake up! There is a real live woman just waiting for the chance to pop your surge breakers and she doesn't have ugly hands like your robot did. Besides, this way the bank is not holding the title on your sexual partner until four years of payments are complete (though some could argue divorce is a retroactive version).
Out among the desolate wastes they run afoul of the leading crazy brigand. Lester has a small army under his command and he takes pride in killing trackers. The guy is a complete fruit. Selfish would be a good description too; he is killing people who are trying to pillage ruined storehouses in his territory. Still, they are freaking goofy and I think it is from being irradiated. Any better explanation for a large group of sober adults doing the Hokey Pokey? No?
Having survived a number of outlandish adventures, including one sequence involving a crane that confused the heck out of me, the secret trove of Cherry 2000s is found. It looks like something out of "Coma" or "Parts: The Clonus Horror," but Sam happily goes searching for another wife. Lester and his goons corner them at the same time he finds the right body and inserts the memory chip. During the fighting it becomes pretty obvious that Sam has changed and maybe preprogrammed responses are not what he desires.
It's not so bad, though much of the original thought is laid out early on and the remainder seems like your standard post-apocalyptic film. It does have a better sense of purpose than most films in the genre. A pity that Sam and E's relationship is doomed to failure when you consider the problems, especially after he finds out that she weighs more than Tim Thomerson.
|Things I Learned From This Movie:
- Women are irresistible when they are wearing a tight red dress and rubber gloves.
- Rubber, diodes, and resistors equal romance.
- Sex should not involve standard legal forms.
- People from Anaheim get no respect.
- In the future the technology for red-eye reduction will be lost.
- Hoover Dam has the best water slide.
- Toaster ovens are the perfect thing for cooking rattlesnakes.
- You have not had a bad day until you are flash-burned and then attacked by a swarm of angry bees.
- Having Melanie Griffiths' head in your lap is not conducive to good driving.
- Opening Credits - Did I stick a Bond film in the player by accident? No, it can't be, the music does not fit.
- 5 mins - And you were about to put a part of your body that has an awful lot of nerve endings in there...
- 7 mins - Gort! Robby!
- 13 mins - Okay dude, this is kind of sick.
- 16 mins - Are we to believe that the cat was stuffed into the water cooler as a kitten?
- 38 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST SANDSTONE!
- 40 mins - If they really are in a vertical tunnel then water is defying gravity...
- 51 mins - Be very afraid, because whoever dressed you in that shirt is not your friend.
- 71 mins - A brothel/gas station? Must be Nevada.
- 77 mins - That's a common problem with 9 mm pistols. Just sweep the casing aside and continue firing.
- Tracker: "Where you from, mister?"
Everyone in the bar busts up laughing.
- Snappy: "Yeah, well Randa here is gonna fix us some lunch. Ain't yah Randa?"
Snappy: "Well, then you can just go sh*t in your hat."
|Audio clips in wav format
|Starving actors speak out
|Cherry: (giggles) "These for me?"
Cherry: "Aw, pretty."
|E: "I grew up in the zone mister. I've been a guide in the territory since I was a kid. I can distinguish between poisonous and nonpoisonous reptiles and I know the roads."
Sam: "Yeah, romance!"
E: "With a robot? I mean, we are talking about a robot, aren't we?"
|Sam: "The man is a psychopathic killer."
Ginger: "Don't impose your values on me, Sam."
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|If anyone can explain why the bad guys do not just cut power to the magnet and drop the car, rather than shooting at it with RPGs, I would be really grateful. Is this a style thing? Are they trying to impress the inventor of the "Sledge-O-Matic?"
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