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THE CURSE OF COUNT CHOCULA - 1 Slime
Not Rated
Copyright 2001 Green Pastures Studio.
Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 7 June 2003.

The Characters:  

  • Simon VanHelsing - Descendent of the great vampire hunter. His proficiency leaves a lot to be desired. Somebody teach him how to reload a handgun. Please.
  • Professor VanBratwurst - In addition to a ridiculous accent, this man has a hatred of Count Chocula. Shot for his troubles.
  • Mark - His wardrobe selection consisted of two t-shirts.
  • Amber - The girl who was eventually everybody's girlfriend (seen a couple of those in my time). Her hair changes color and length from scene to scene.
  • The Zombies - They only gurgle (helpfully, their conversations are subtitled) and are vegetarians (except, they do eat brains). Dead - again.
  • Heinrich - The serious vampire who dresses in frilly clothes and has a vendetta to settle with mankind. Shot.
  • Count Chocula - He prefers chocolate over blood. A putz if there ever was one.


The Plot: 

Looking at this tape, I just knew that it was trouble with a capital "T." Memories of actually eating Count Chocula cereal came flooding back. The stuff was little more than sugar (whichever "ose") and marshmallows. I have always been very, ah, energetic. Eating Count Chocula could be compared to throwing gasoline on an already raging fire. Needless to say, my mother went gray early in life.

What I am trying to say is: sorry mom, it was the cereal.

I should mention that the tape began with a short about a violent census worker (he used to be a cop) who kills everyone in his region. Why? He was too lazy to count the people. Shooting them means that the count is zero.

Though, the real subject is "The Curse of Count Chocula." It begins with Mark and Amber entering a graveyard to make out. The girl panics when a twig snaps, then a small group of zombies shamble out of the trees. The pair flee to a nearby house, which is the residence of VanBratwurst. Knowing that the only safe place is the basement, the professor leads the frightened couple downstairs and tells them the story of Count Chocula.

Count Chocula was the son of Count Dracula. As a vampire, the effeminate chocoholic was a complete failure. Now, and keep up with me here, Dracula was killed by Richter VanHelsing after a battle befitting the "Highlander" franchise (right down to the vampire hunter using a katana). The Count's death left Chocula pretty much indifferent, but Heinrich burns for revenge on humanity.

With the flashback over, the three set out to find one of VanHelsing's descendants. They find him by looking in the phone book. Simon is not exactly what you would call a first round draft pick. In fact, Simon is a dope. Here we have scenes of the accidental vampire hunter in training with his katana. The sad thing is that I recognized that katana. My mother, knowing that I like archaic weapons, gave me one just like it - plastic dragon head handle and all. Mom means well.

If you are ever looking for a sword or axe that you could actually sharpen and use to fight undead, vampires, or an annoying neighbor, I suggest Starfire Swords. I own a number of their pieces and have given a number as gifts. It should be mentioned that Zak discourages sharpening the weapons. In fact, it voids the warranty.

The plots slows to a crawl at this point. The vampire lords while away the time looking for the Necronomicon (to use its spells). The human contingent mostly just sits around Simon's house. Mark complains about the wait and repeatedly asks VanBratwurst to give him a ride home. Amber is perfectly happy with the situation, because she is tearing up the couch with the professor.

Around now I stopped the movie and went to brush my teeth. Do not know why. All the chocolate references making me think about dental health? Feeling unclean of mind and tooth? Bored out of my freaking skull?

The zombies are a constant source of humor during the movie. Mostly they sit around, bitching about their lot in unlife. However, pretty soon Simon decides to try out his evil fighting abilities. This involves pulling out two pistols and shooting at the zombies. Every time VanHelsing attacks, guns blazing, the long-suffering zombies stumble away. I actually started laughing at this frequent event.

Somewhere in here, the saviours of humanity win the Necronomicon off of Ebay. After that, there is more of "hanging out at VanHelsing's house" for everybody. Ahhhhhh! I am in Hell! And, in Hell, nothing happens!

Heinrich finally gives up on the plot moving forward on its own and attacks. The vampire kick's Simon's behind (but does not kill him - odd) before instructing the zombies to search the house for the Necronomicon. They respond by bringing him one random book, a toaster, and a cat. Finally, one of the walking corpses finds the paperback version (not the correct book) of the Necronomicon. The vampire assault force leaves, taking VanBratwurst and Amber with them. The girl comes along of her own free will. Amber has a strong goth streak in her; she thinks that vampires are cool.

The bloodsuckers supposedly need the Necronomicon so they can cast a spell. The spell will remove the normal restrictions of vampirism: avoiding sunlight, drinking blood, etc. I would like to point out that we have seen them standing around in broad daylight several times. I would also like to point out Simon's plan to steal the book back (he is so dumb that he does not know the vampires took the wrong book). It involves playing some techno music, thus inspiring the vampires to dance, and then snatching the Necronomicon. Yes, Heinrich and Amber start dancing. The dancing lasts for three damn minutes! It is not pleasant to watch. I have seen people beaten for dancing that bad.

To know how the mess ends, you will have to watch it yourself.

I have a feeling that this movie was either a college project or just a group of friends who decided to get together and make a silly movie. In that light, it is probably better than most. In fact, the whole subplot with the zombies could have made for a good film (possibly full length) itself.

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • Girls like to make out in graveyards, but are guaranteed to get spooked.
  • Zombies wear a lot of plaid.
  • Communists like butterscotch on their ice cream.
  • Handguns are not sold in variety packs.
  • Bookstores require you to check your firearms at the door.
  • Tomes of ancient magic are often listed on Ebay.
  • The last thing that you want to be doing, as zombies invade your kitchen, is struggling with a trigger lock.
  • You do not need a bowl to eat cereal.

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • 6 mins - Is this the soundtrack from "Conan" or "Excaliber?"
  • 15 mins - VanHelsing should have paid more attention to who he was impaling.
  • 21 mins - Again with the "Necronomicon" in a movie; Lovecraft would be proud.
  • 34 mins - I am getting tired of big butts in my face! Clear camera!
  • 50 mins - Four zombies sitting on a park bench, discussing Martin Luther King. Nothing is happening. Arrgghhhh!
  • 65 mins - A mudpack?
  • 72 mins - What self respecting bachelor would have shelf paper with a decorative border?
  • 83 mins - Tedium: (n) The quality or condition of being tedious; tediousness or boredom.
  • 105 mins - In the name of all backyard film projects, how long is this cursed movie?

 Audio clips in wav formatSOUNDSStarving actors speak out 

FileDialog
Green Music Note chocula1.wav VanBratwurst: "Chocula is a monster. His thirst for chocolate is insatiable. He will roam the entire Earth and, if his evil scheme is carried out, there will be no chocolate for anybody."
Green Music Note chocula2.wav Chocula: "That's another thing, I don't really like the taste of blood that much. I prefer the sweet, tempting taste of chocolate"
Heinrich: "What are you talking about? You are a vampire. That means drinking blood to survive and that means killing human beings, so get with the program!"
Green Music Note chocula3.wav Mark: "You just told me a little while ago that you wanted to be like Buffy."
Simon: "Yeah, but I didn't know she was a vampire hunter. I just want to be Sarah Michelle Gellar. If I was, I would do nothing but take showers all day long."
Green Music Note chocula4.wav Amber: "Are you Count Chocula?"
Heinrich: "Well, no."
Amber: "But you are a vampire, right?"
Heinrich: "Yes."
Amber: "That is so cool! Can I come back to your castle with you?"

 Click for a larger imageIMAGESScenes from the movie 

ImageImageImage


ImageImageImage


 Watch a sceneVIDEOMPEG video files 

Video Clipchocula1.mpg - 2.3m
The zombies are sitting on the bench, mostly minding their own business. Simon pulls out two tiny revolvers and starts shooting. The zombies shamble away. This happens, more or less, about five times during the movie.

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Comments:Write CommentPages: [1] 2 3
The Curse of Count Chocula
Reply #1. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:03 PM by Chris
You can get a copy of the necronomicon on ebaY! Right now there is one going for about $90.00...

Who knew the Curse of Count Chocula could be so accurate...
The Curse of Count Chocula
Reply #2. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Craig Welter
I wouldn't call it ripping off the Castlevania games.  More of an homage to them.  I'm glad somebody noticed.

As for who had the idea, it actually originated with a sketch on The Man Show.  They were doing a skit about movies that no guy would ever want to see.  One of them was Count Chocula: The Movie starring Forest Whittacker as the count.

When I heard that, I was rather shocked.  I thought a count chocula movie with Forest Whitacker sounded awesome, and set out to prove that people would indeed want to see a count chocula movie.  And thus, history was made.
The Curse of Count Chocula
Reply #3. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Richard
I have to say, even with Andrew's mostly negative review, for some reason I want to see this film more than any other film reviewed on this website... that line about Sarah Michelle Gellar I thought was hilarious, and the description of the film itself makes it sound rather entertaining!

Rich
The Curse of Count Chocula
Reply #4. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by James
Well, what with being involved in this film, it is impossible for me to give my own review without being incredibly biased.  Suffice it to say, it is indeed a "backyard" film, but I've heard rumor that the film has now become a drinking game on college campuses across the country (somewhat of a compliment, even given the fact that college kids will drink for anything).  In order to play, you can do one of three things: 1.) Everytime you spot a continuity error, take a drink [recommended for severe alcoholics].  For example, the aforementioned hair changes on Amber, Heinrich's beard/no beard, etc.  2.) Everytime you spot a specific product placement, take a drink [recommended for moderate alcoholics].  For example, there are many shots of Pepsi bottles always with the label facing directly at the camera.  Believe it or not, the product placement was entirely unintentional - we just really liked Pepsi.  3.) Everytime the character of Mark puts his hands to his head as if he has a headache or is completely fed up with the plot, take a drink. [recommended for lightweights who like to sip]  I don't know why, but this character did this alot throughout the film and it was only after the second viewing that we noticed the character of Mark must be close to an aneurysm.  Anyways, that's my complete nonsense of a contribution to the message boards of this film and I take my leave now (ridiculous accent and all), but not before a few comments more.
All in all, I had a good time shooting the film and it was quite an experience.  Keep in mind this was the first time making a film for all involved (I'll readily admit that it's quite apparent), but it was a heartfelt effort from cast and crew alike.  In addition to playing VonBratwurst and Zombie #3, I also tried my hand at putting the soundtrack together for the film.  If I may indulge in my own little shilling here, copies of the soundtrack are available through myself.  Send an email to DeadAlewive@msn.com if you have any interest.  Take care and thanks for watching the film (even if it is just to get drunk).  Cheers!
The Curse of Count Chocula
Reply #5. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Mark Conroy
Well, I know it's no gem, but everyone who was involved in the movie had a great time and I think most of us are even...dare I say... proud of the final product.  I did a  lot of the production work and played Count Chocula as well as one of the zombies (sorry about my dancing everyone, not one of my hobbies).  Anyway, it was definatly a "backyard film", and our first swing at it at that.  To anyone who bothers watching it, thank you, and I hope you enjoy it.  The sound isn't the best it a lot of places, but there is a lot of funny dialouge in there if you give it a chance.  
The Curse of Count Chocula
Reply #6. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:03 PM by Tracy (or T-Bird)
I am dating the man who plays Count Chocula.  I have to say that despite the fact that this movie was clearly not a Blockbuster, I have to admit that I was a little sad that no one asked me to be in this movie.  Sure, I was away at school for most of the filming( I think it actually started filming my Freshman year and wrapped up my Senior year. Hence Amberís hair style changes), but I think a part could have been created for me.  Who do you have to sleep with to get a part in a Green Pastures production?!?!?

Anyway, I grew up with most of these boys, and I am darn proud of all of them!  Good Job! I love you guys!
The Curse of Count Chocula
Reply #7. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Melanie "4 the love of god, pan the camera" Ramsay
After 6 months of therapy, the firing of 2 agents, and 3 suicide attempts I've finally come to grips with being in this movie. I'm baffled however. I think its absolutely absurd that someone actually watched this to review it. As if it has any value!

But it was a really fun time for all of us involved. We all really love movies and blah, blah, blah.  Enter some more sentimental, obligitory bulls**t about how wonderful it was here...

Yes, my hair changed. It was 3 years later. A painful learning process? Yes. Next time, get a wig!
The Curse of Count Chocula
Reply #8. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Trevor Massatt
  I just saw that all of my buddies wrote in and said some s**t.  Me being the only actual actor of the film, I can't wait to hear about that remark, I've come to find myself able to withstand any and all negative reveiws of the curse.  As it's known as.  Not really.  I totally just made that up.
  Anywho, I loved making this movie.  We had Mel (Amber) constantly complaining because she almost died from a misquito attack, actually happened during the cemetary scene.  We had constant laughter at Mark (Chocula himself) who was playing a not-so-straight vampire.  And finally we had the awesome, radical, super studly Trevor Massatt on the set at all times, even if I wasn't in the scene.  Because we had fun doing this.
  I hope people enjoyed this film.  I did and still do.  Also be ready for green pastures production of "Shredded Wheat"  PLUG, PLUG, PLUG.  Should be finished when hell freezes over.  
  Now I have to go beat the s**t out of all my "friends"  QUOTATIONS!  that decided to visit this gnarley page and not tell me you could write stuff.  Which they all did.  Don't worry though, guys and gals, they'll get theirs.  Oh, yes.  They'll get theirs.  Mwa ha ha ha...
  If you've read this far, you are one in a million.  Which is pretty much everyone really.  We're all unique in are own individual ways.  Like how I'm so kickass.  Wait is that one word or two?  A true kick ass doesn't care how he spells things.  Weren't we talking about a movie or something?  See you from the screen.
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