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CRASH AND BURN - 1 Slimes
Rated R
Copyright 1990 Full Moon Entertainment
Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'

The Characters:  

  • Tyson - Nothing this sexy has been on a motorcycle since Elvis.
  • Arren - Young girl who has exceptional computer skills and a serious itch to scratch. Perhaps her grandpa should have let her go on a few dates with boys her age.
  • Lathan - Old revolutionary; he covertly runs a television station in the wastes of southern California. Tries out for the part of a thousand amp fuse.
  • Winston Wickett - Overweight and often sweaty talk show host. I could have done with far less footage of him shirtless. Has an arm wrenched off by Quinn.
  • Christie and Sandra - Two prostitutes that were guests on Winston's talk show. Hmmm, two hookers on a talk show - I wonder what happens? Do they get called sluts? Their self esteem hardly matters; both go to the great bordello in the sky.
  • Bud and Scratch - Gas station attendants. Scratch spends a little too much time under the open sky without sunscreen.
  • Parice - Video schoolteacher that Tyson takes for a roll in the sack. He later discovers she is a synthoid, though he is probably the only person surprised by this. Turned into dust by a close range shotgun blast.
  • Quinn - All around handyman and all robot. Mashed flat.

Buy It!

The Plot: 

After watching numerous movies about the future I have decided it sucks, whether it be evil companies taking over, the development of killer robots, or an environment ruined by man's hubris. Unfortunately for the characters populating this movie, all three have happened; it has been a bad century.

When the small group inhabiting a wasteland television station realizes one of their number might be a ruthless synthetic human, they do what every other group would do: rip off of John Carpenter's "The Thing." That is right, cut everyone's finger to see who bleeds oil, but it does not work since the robots are full of stage blood (oh, I mean red freon). Perhaps there was an easier way, like noticing that two characters never sweat even when everyone else is dripping wet! I noticed it, probably over half the audience noticed it, why did Tyson or Arren not notice it?

Tyson does catch on to the fake people and soon a game of cat and mouse (if cats were made from steel and mice used shotguns) is played out through the station's dark corridors. None of it should surprise you, especially not one of the hookers deciding to take a shower and being killed. Only when things look hopeless does our heroine play her trump card, the DV-8.

The video cover prominently displays the DV-8. It is an old mining or construction robot quietly rusting away in the local scrap heap. Arren has taken the time to fix it up and feels confident about piloting the thing. Despite a quick conversation in which we find out that it took "months" to learn the monster robot's controls, it does not look very difficult. If you want it to stand, then you type "stand." I am sure any other veteran Zork players out there would feel comfortable at the controls. In fact, screw throwing the rusty knife at the cyclops' eye, I want to type "punch cyclops in head" and be done with the annoying lout once and for all.

You are going to spend the entire movie waiting for the DV-8 to do something cool, you are also going to be very disappointed. It walks about a hundred yards, lifts up a fallen girder, steps on Quinn - then falls to pieces. Obviously a GM product.

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • Wearing a motorcycle helmet for several hours will not mess up a carefully feathered head of hair.
  • Most blackouts are caused by old men falling onto transformers.
  • People can speak clearly and in complete sentences while under heavy sedation.
  • Hugging a woman is a sure-fire way to get her into the sack.
  • Freon is indistinguishable from human blood.
  • Hair picks and shotguns are equally effective as weapons.
  • An ungrounded robot will only electrocute you if he grabs the showerhead.
  • Safety glass is not used in pickup trucks.
  • Male androids are made from titanium, but female ones are made out of powdery clay.

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • 5 mins - Tyson's white jumpsuit is exceptionally clean considering he has been riding a motorcycle through the desert.
  • 7 mins - Oh now he's dirty...
  • 11 mins - Did he pass a washer and dryer on the way out the door? How did his suit become pristine white again?
  • 24 mins - Over one hundred degrees (Fahrenheit) in there and none of you woke up until the alarm sounded?
  • 30 mins - Are these two fixing the electrical system or going skiing?
  • 40 mins - Okay, so someone has read Asimov, very good.
  • 49 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A DISPLAY CASE!
  • 60 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
  • 63 mins - Tyson pumps the shotgun a second time (for effect I guess), the problem is doing so would eject an unfired shell. Wait, he did it again! Hehehehehe!
  • 73 mins - Preventive maintenance is always very important.

 Audio clips in wav formatSOUNDSStarving actors speak out 

FileDialog
Green Music Note crashburn1.wav Tyson and Arren talking, listen to him try not to crack up at the lines he is given.
Green Music Note crashburn2.wav Parice: "UNICOM is a free enterprise bureaucracy dedicated to the concepts of life, liberty, and the pursuit of economic stability."
Green Music Note crashburn3.wav Tyson: "By international agreement synthoids are programmed to be incapable of killing humans."
Arren: "Any synth can kill you if you override its fail-safe program with a crash and burn virus."
Green Music Note crashburn4.wav Parice: "This is crazy, it took months of training to walk a DV-8!"
Arren: "I've been trained!"

 Click for a larger imageIMAGESScenes from the movie 

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 Watch a sceneVIDEOMPEG video files 

Video Clipcrashburn1.mpg - 3.0m
You waited the entire movie to see it, so here is the DV-8. Still wondering why piloting the darn thing takes months of training? Join the crowd.

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Internet Movie Database


Comments:Write CommentPages: [1] 2
Crash and Burn
Reply #1. Posted on August 28, 2000, 08:24:16 PM by gash26
if you want to see a b-movie with big robots that actually do something rent robot jox
Crash and Burn
Reply #2. Posted on September 08, 2000, 08:54:14 PM by WHO cares?
this movie was excellent. The robots were amazing and the actors can actually act (J/K) it was good for laughs if u want to see some really s**tty movies watch
The Intruder Within
Chopper chicks in Zombie town
Its Alive
Test tube teens
Killdozer
Chopping mall
and
my fav.
The brain
Crash and Burn
Reply #3. Posted on September 26, 2000, 03:29:41 PM by David Graham
This is the sort of movie that breaks your heart.You look on the front cover,and expect an entertaining addition to your Sci-Fi Actioner collection.Instead,as life would have it,you get a crummy,worthless piece of turd for movie that looks like it was shot on a poloroid video camera.The dialogue stinks,the charecters are laughable,and the plot is nowhere near as intricate as it makes itself out to be.I'm sorry to say avoid to anyone else who's going to be disappointed,like me.
Crash and Burn
Reply #4. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by cyric
I guess everyone here doesn't know what a B-movie is (A B-MOVIE-MOVIE THAT DID NOT MAKE IT IN THEATRES EVERYWHERE)But you didn't know that did you so robot jox wasn't a B-movie it was actually very popular when it came out in theatres so you could change what you said about it and just say I DON'T LIKE THE MOVIE
Crash and Burn
Reply #5. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Mark
Of course it takes many months to learn to pilot the DV-8. You need to learn the exact wording for every command. If you type "stand up" instead of "stand" you crash the system, and you can bet that big SOB is case sensitive too.
Crash and Burn
Reply #6. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:03 PM by tessai
I have seen this movie on tv when i was about 12 years old
im not sure but i think they used the same model robot in some other cheap sf flick. Only there it was some sort of Battlemech .Anyway i think the flick is moderatly cool but robot jox rox.
Crash and Burn
Reply #7. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Retooler
It actually is a pretty funny movie, albeit unintentionaly. I got to thinking "these people actually would have done better if they'd learned to shut up and act." (They get to the point in the dialogue, but then they keep rambling.) Also, the characters swore like wounded pirates and nobody would have missed the long gratuitous sex scene if it had simply been cut out. It's too bad there's no Mystery Science Theater 3000 anymore, because this turkey's just about 90 minutes. The best thing of all, though, is that (as the advertisers like to say) there's more! Not only is the movie hilariously bad, but the video tape comes with a "making of the movie feature" and ads for other Full Moon Productions. (Am I the only one who noticed the company's name inspires a lot of bad jokes by itself?) One of these days, I'm going to have to get this on DVD, rip it to my computer, and do a commentary of my own. MST3K, we miss you!
Crash and Burn
Reply #8. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by greaterthings.com
may 2004;
Still havn't seen movie yet...
I get a big kick out of the fact
that building these giant construction
biped walkers is just years away...
you did a terrific job of designing
this review website...my compliments
too the webmaster.
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