CTHULHU MANSION
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| Rated R
| | Copyright 1990 Film Magic
| | Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'
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- Lisa - Chandu's daughter, this girl has the fine body shape of a 2X4.
- Chandu - Magician who delved into the magic of Cthulhu (H.P. Lovecraft's written work - good horror - bad movie). He gets possessed but resists and dives into a pit.
- Hawk - Leader of the gang, terrible thing is he seems to be the smart one. Get's run through by about nine "amazing flying" knives.
- Eva - Entirely dependent on Hawk, kinda pretty though, she get's eaten by ivy. Yes ivy.
- Chris - Eva's brother, spends most of the film possessed.
- Billy - Hefty, dumb, ugly... ...he drowns in a shower filled with blood.
- Candy - Hefty girl, guess who she's paired with! Claws pull her into the refrigerator.
- Felix - Mute assistant to Chandu, this man has some eyebrows. Billy slays him.
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| There are quite a few fun goofs in this movie, especially Chris walking by as an extra in a scene when he has just been shot in the leg (First video below - it's pretty blatant.) and Eva's pistol changing from a small 9mm to a large .45 caliber. So Hawk kills a drug dealer, in an amusement park, but while stealing a car for the getaway Chris takes a bullet in the leg. The gang takes Chandu, Lisa, and Felix captive at gunpoint and uses them as cover to leave the amusement park. Hiding out in the magician's house while tending Chris' wound things begin to happen, all revolving around a door in the basement. Meanwhile - a bit part actor waits outside for most of the film, entering and immediately getting shot by Eva (why we call them bit part actors). Plenty of spooky effects: flying knives and plants, possession, blood filled showers, and claws coming out of appliances. Chandu began practicing black magic and it killed his first assistant, who was his wife, now it's growing stronger. When the smoke and confusion clears only Lisa and Chris are left, of course in love... ...ugh. This is a great movie with a group, I'd even increase it's rating by a slime drop if watched thus. |
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| Things I Learned From This Movie: | |
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- Magician's assistants are in mortal danger, bursting into flame is a full possibility.
- Magic is much easier to do in movies.
- Amusement park security guards handle murders and attempted murders.
- Everybody leaves the tunafish sandwiches intended for dinner laying out all day.
- A three story house uses all of four fuses.
- Playing darts with the painting of a man's dead wife is wrong.
- The best way to simulate rain on a car's windshield is with a hose.
- Cthulhu possesses typewriters and refrigerators.
- Ivy is carnivorous.
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- 11 mins - Why in the world is Chris' voice dubbed in?
- 13 mins - He is not kicking that guy! He is kicking the back of his own foot!
- 13 mins - We just watched Chris get shot in the leg but here he is walking by as an extra...
- 16 mins - He didn't stab him three times it was once and Billy kicked him in the back not the head. Somebody get me new bit part actors.
- 49 mins - Finally, Eva in a bra - about time.
- 55 mins - One moment she's taller than the fridge, next minute it is taller than her.
- 72 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST POTTED PLANTS!
- 73 mins - She's holding a 9mm, no it's a .45, no it's a 9mm again!
- Ending Credits-Every single name in here except the actors is of a Spanish origin.
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| | Audio clips in wav format | SOUNDS | Starving actors speak out | |
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| File | Dialog |  | cthulhuman1.wav
| Candy: "You know something? I'm getting tired of her treating me like I'm stir-fried in shit!"
| | cthulhuman2.wav
| Billy: "Hawk we gotta get outta here man this place is haunted or something, she turned into a skeleton right in front of me!"
| | cthulhuman3.wav
| Chandu: "Your brother is no longer your brother. Can't you see that?"
| | cthulhuman4.wav
| Chandu: "The evil is free." (Dramatic music plays!) "May God have mercy on us!" (More dramatic music!)
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| | Click for a larger image | IMAGES | Scenes from the movie | |
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| | Watch a scene | VIDEO | MPEG video files | |
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| | Leave a comment | EXTRAS | Buy the movie | |
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| Cthulhu Mansion
Reply #1. Posted on April 13, 1999, 01:43:00 PM by whamontree@hotmail.com
This movie was directed by J.P. Simon, the Spanish equivalent of Fred Olen Ray who gave us such classics as Pod People and Pieces. Somebody needs to quit giving him money to make more painful cinematic turds.
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Reply #2. Posted on November 19, 1999, 08:39:42 AM by janus0fzeal@yahoo.com
Cthulhu Mansion. REnted it thinking that Cthulhu would be in it, and be really nifty and eat everyone and kill lots of stuff. I was worng. they never even said 'Cthulhu'. Man... That is sad. If your looking for a Lovecraft Tale... Go somewhere else.
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Reply #3. Posted on December 07, 1999, 01:42:15 AM by cwestfa1@twcny.rr.com
Did anyone notice Chandu. Bela Lugosi played a mystic/magician by the same name. Not only leaving out Lovecraft referances, with the exception of the Necronomicon, but actually dredging up old Lugosi movies
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Reply #4. Posted on January 12, 2000, 10:34:51 AM by absinthe6669@hotmail.com
If you're looking for a good Lovecraft movie... well you'd have better luck trying to find the Holy Grail. If you're looking for a movie to sit around and make fun of with a bunch of friends. This movie is ideal.
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Reply #5. Posted on April 19, 2000, 06:01:45 PM by STPezatcha
I saw this movie recently and reviewed it too...I'm deeply disturbed.
Was Chris kicking the guy or is that
a really bad kicking scene? I swear, I saw better acting from the high school drama department.
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Reply #6. Posted on April 20, 2000, 10:41:20 AM by ebolamonk@yahoo.com
This movie was great for my crew, because the guy that gets the blood shower and the chick that gets eaten by the Cream-cheese Demon in the fridge look just like two people we know. Other than that, ouch. This movie hurt. And I've seen it twice. May Cthulhu have mercy on my soul (dramatic music)
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Reply #7. Posted on May 19, 2000, 04:30:27 PM by jason hyde
i hate to bring it up again, but, man, what kind of vengeful demon did frank finlay displease to end up in this disaster? finlay's a good actor with a gift for comedy, as demonstrated in richard lester's musketeer movies amongst other things, you'd think he'd know better.
this thing is unspeakably awful. not entertaining bad, just infuriating, 'i can't believe they got away with this' bad. watching for the goofs can only be enertaining for so long. naming the magician after the old radio character, played in movies by edmund lowe and bela lugosi, can only garner so many points. and advertising it as being 'from the imagination of h.p. lovecraft' is just plain evil. if there were a law, it would be against it. the only thing this movie has in common with cthulhu is that you should flee in abject terror when confronted with both.
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Reply #8. Posted on June 10, 2000, 12:05:55 PM by Aaron
Not even remotley close to any of Lovecraft's work...but the film is o.k. none-the-less. A gang of punks take a magician and his daughter hostage in their own home. They soon discover that an evil force inherits the house. O.k. story, and good effects, but mediocre acting, and slow at times. **1/2 out of *****.
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