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CTHULHU MANSION - 1 Slimes
Rated R
Copyright 1990 Film Magic
Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'

The Characters:  

  • Lisa - Chandu's daughter, this girl has the fine body shape of a 2X4.
  • Chandu - Magician who delved into the magic of Cthulhu (H.P. Lovecraft's written work - good horror - bad movie). He gets possessed but resists and dives into a pit.
  • Hawk - Leader of the gang, terrible thing is he seems to be the smart one. Get's run through by about nine "amazing flying" knives.
  • Eva - Entirely dependent on Hawk, kinda pretty though, she get's eaten by ivy. Yes ivy.
  • Chris - Eva's brother, spends most of the film possessed.
  • Billy - Hefty, dumb, ugly... ...he drowns in a shower filled with blood.
  • Candy - Hefty girl, guess who she's paired with! Claws pull her into the refrigerator.
  • Felix - Mute assistant to Chandu, this man has some eyebrows. Billy slays him.

Buy It!

The Plot: 

There are quite a few fun goofs in this movie, especially Chris walking by as an extra in a scene when he has just been shot in the leg (First video below - it's pretty blatant.) and Eva's pistol changing from a small 9mm to a large .45 caliber. So Hawk kills a drug dealer, in an amusement park, but while stealing a car for the getaway Chris takes a bullet in the leg. The gang takes Chandu, Lisa, and Felix captive at gunpoint and uses them as cover to leave the amusement park. Hiding out in the magician's house while tending Chris' wound things begin to happen, all revolving around a door in the basement. Meanwhile - a bit part actor waits outside for most of the film, entering and immediately getting shot by Eva (why we call them bit part actors). Plenty of spooky effects: flying knives and plants, possession, blood filled showers, and claws coming out of appliances. Chandu began practicing black magic and it killed his first assistant, who was his wife, now it's growing stronger. When the smoke and confusion clears only Lisa and Chris are left, of course in love... ...ugh. This is a great movie with a group, I'd even increase it's rating by a slime drop if watched thus.

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • Magician's assistants are in mortal danger, bursting into flame is a full possibility.
  • Magic is much easier to do in movies.
  • Amusement park security guards handle murders and attempted murders.
  • Everybody leaves the tunafish sandwiches intended for dinner laying out all day.
  • A three story house uses all of four fuses.
  • Playing darts with the painting of a man's dead wife is wrong.
  • The best way to simulate rain on a car's windshield is with a hose.
  • Cthulhu possesses typewriters and refrigerators.
  • Ivy is carnivorous.

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • 11 mins - Why in the world is Chris' voice dubbed in?
  • 13 mins - He is not kicking that guy! He is kicking the back of his own foot!
  • 13 mins - We just watched Chris get shot in the leg but here he is walking by as an extra...
  • 16 mins - He didn't stab him three times it was once and Billy kicked him in the back not the head. Somebody get me new bit part actors.
  • 49 mins - Finally, Eva in a bra - about time.
  • 55 mins - One moment she's taller than the fridge, next minute it is taller than her.
  • 72 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST POTTED PLANTS!
  • 73 mins - She's holding a 9mm, no it's a .45, no it's a 9mm again!
  • Ending Credits-Every single name in here except the actors is of a Spanish origin.

 Audio clips in wav formatSOUNDSStarving actors speak out 

FileDialog
Green Music Note cthulhuman1.wav Candy: "You know something? I'm getting tired of her treating me like I'm stir-fried in shit!"
Green Music Note cthulhuman2.wav Billy: "Hawk we gotta get outta here man this place is haunted or something, she turned into a skeleton right in front of me!"
Green Music Note cthulhuman3.wav Chandu: "Your brother is no longer your brother. Can't you see that?"
Green Music Note cthulhuman4.wav Chandu: "The evil is free." (Dramatic music plays!) "May God have mercy on us!" (More dramatic music!)

 Click for a larger imageIMAGESScenes from the movie 

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 Watch a sceneVIDEOMPEG video files 

Video Clipcthulhuman1.mpg - 3.4m
Chris goes for a walk after being shot.

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Comments:Write CommentPages: 1 2 [3]
Cthulhu Mansion
Reply #17. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by snipe
The title is a lie. Cthulhu has NOTHING to do with this film. The movie is big on upside down crosses and stereotypical satanism, but there is no cthulhu anywhere to be seen. Yeah, they mention the necronomicon. That's it tho.

Lovecraft's stories never involved "satan" vs "jesus" - he was an athiest - his horror stories were absolute; there is no god, only ancient, unknown alien things that are waiting for the stars to be right so they can come back and eat our brains. This movie isn't even a good badfilm. It totally sucks balls.

And i agree with a_salieri@hotmail.com - a well done version of The Call of Cthulhu would be the ultimate authority on horror films anywhere. I doubt it will ever happen -there's not enough fans to promote it, and not enough rich directors/producers/writers who understand/appriciate lovecraft to take it up.

so in the mean time we're stuck with boring slasher flicks or regurgitated tales about the devil. True horror lies dreaming in sunken r'lyeh.
Cthulhu Mansion
Reply #18. Posted on October 23, 2002, 08:25:54 PM by LadyMage
This was the worst movie I ever saw hands down.  It should have gotten one drop at best not three!  The acting was terrible, basically I could have done better as a mute then they did in the whole film and for get it the plot was well... WHAT PLOT?! Its good if you want to laugh at some idoits getting killed and that is that, best charactor, the little black cat.
Cthulhu Mansion
Reply #19. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Jeffery Weskamp
    The best film adaption of Lovecraft's work that I've watched is a Spanish production titled "Dagon."  It is based upon "Shadow Over Innsmouth," and even though the setting's been relocated from New England to the Spanish coast, it's does a superb job of capturing the lurking horror of H. P.'s work.  The human-fish hybrids will make your skin crawl!
    As for Juan Simon Piquer, he is truly Spain's answer to Edward D. Wood, Jr. In addition to this piece of faux Lovecraft, he has directed/produced Pod People, Slugs, Pieces, and Supersonic Man (a lame ripoff of the 1st Superman movie). Thrill as Supersonic Man lifts a plywood bulldozer out of harm's way! Supersonic Man is definitely a film that should be featured at this website.  It's far worse than Cthulhu Mansion.
Cthulhu Mansion
Reply #20. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Sean
This movie sucked wild ass!! The mute guy was kind of cool, and the guy who played Chandu probably had to accept a hefty bribe to star in the film, but acting was simply atrocious. That part in the beginning where the cops were "kicking the s**t out of some poor guy"? I could direct better than that!!

I saw Dagon, and it was okay. But the best Lovecraft adaptation to date is Dan O'Bannon's the Ressurected, hands down. The Reanimator may be a better movie, but that story really is not the quintessential Lovecraft. Imagine an adaptation of "Call of Cthulhu" done with the passion and talent of Jackson's Lord of the Rings. The world has yet to see something like that.
Re: Cthulhu Mansion
Reply #21. Posted on November 22, 2009, 11:47:04 PM by Flu-Bird
Movies like this are just too painful to watch so many mistakes the director should be barred from making anymore movies
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