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CTHULHU MANSION - 1 Slimes
Rated R
Copyright 1990 Film Magic
Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'

The Characters:  

  • Lisa - Chandu's daughter, this girl has the fine body shape of a 2X4.
  • Chandu - Magician who delved into the magic of Cthulhu (H.P. Lovecraft's written work - good horror - bad movie). He gets possessed but resists and dives into a pit.
  • Hawk - Leader of the gang, terrible thing is he seems to be the smart one. Get's run through by about nine "amazing flying" knives.
  • Eva - Entirely dependent on Hawk, kinda pretty though, she get's eaten by ivy. Yes ivy.
  • Chris - Eva's brother, spends most of the film possessed.
  • Billy - Hefty, dumb, ugly... ...he drowns in a shower filled with blood.
  • Candy - Hefty girl, guess who she's paired with! Claws pull her into the refrigerator.
  • Felix - Mute assistant to Chandu, this man has some eyebrows. Billy slays him.

Buy It!

The Plot: 

There are quite a few fun goofs in this movie, especially Chris walking by as an extra in a scene when he has just been shot in the leg (First video below - it's pretty blatant.) and Eva's pistol changing from a small 9mm to a large .45 caliber. So Hawk kills a drug dealer, in an amusement park, but while stealing a car for the getaway Chris takes a bullet in the leg. The gang takes Chandu, Lisa, and Felix captive at gunpoint and uses them as cover to leave the amusement park. Hiding out in the magician's house while tending Chris' wound things begin to happen, all revolving around a door in the basement. Meanwhile - a bit part actor waits outside for most of the film, entering and immediately getting shot by Eva (why we call them bit part actors). Plenty of spooky effects: flying knives and plants, possession, blood filled showers, and claws coming out of appliances. Chandu began practicing black magic and it killed his first assistant, who was his wife, now it's growing stronger. When the smoke and confusion clears only Lisa and Chris are left, of course in love... ...ugh. This is a great movie with a group, I'd even increase it's rating by a slime drop if watched thus.

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • Magician's assistants are in mortal danger, bursting into flame is a full possibility.
  • Magic is much easier to do in movies.
  • Amusement park security guards handle murders and attempted murders.
  • Everybody leaves the tunafish sandwiches intended for dinner laying out all day.
  • A three story house uses all of four fuses.
  • Playing darts with the painting of a man's dead wife is wrong.
  • The best way to simulate rain on a car's windshield is with a hose.
  • Cthulhu possesses typewriters and refrigerators.
  • Ivy is carnivorous.

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • 11 mins - Why in the world is Chris' voice dubbed in?
  • 13 mins - He is not kicking that guy! He is kicking the back of his own foot!
  • 13 mins - We just watched Chris get shot in the leg but here he is walking by as an extra...
  • 16 mins - He didn't stab him three times it was once and Billy kicked him in the back not the head. Somebody get me new bit part actors.
  • 49 mins - Finally, Eva in a bra - about time.
  • 55 mins - One moment she's taller than the fridge, next minute it is taller than her.
  • 72 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST POTTED PLANTS!
  • 73 mins - She's holding a 9mm, no it's a .45, no it's a 9mm again!
  • Ending Credits-Every single name in here except the actors is of a Spanish origin.

 Audio clips in wav formatSOUNDSStarving actors speak out 

FileDialog
Green Music Note cthulhuman1.wav Candy: "You know something? I'm getting tired of her treating me like I'm stir-fried in shit!"
Green Music Note cthulhuman2.wav Billy: "Hawk we gotta get outta here man this place is haunted or something, she turned into a skeleton right in front of me!"
Green Music Note cthulhuman3.wav Chandu: "Your brother is no longer your brother. Can't you see that?"
Green Music Note cthulhuman4.wav Chandu: "The evil is free." (Dramatic music plays!) "May God have mercy on us!" (More dramatic music!)

 Click for a larger imageIMAGESScenes from the movie 

ImageImageImage
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 Watch a sceneVIDEOMPEG video files 

Video Clipcthulhuman1.mpg - 3.4m
Chris goes for a walk after being shot.

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Internet Movie Database


Comments:Write CommentPages: 1 [2] 3
Cthulhu Mansion
Reply #9. Posted on July 08, 2000, 04:43:48 AM by Mr Bwing
I'm puzzled at peoples lack of appreciation of this film, its marvellously entertaining with an eerie, fobidding atmosphere to the house itself. The hoodlums terror as the place becomes 'alive' is superbly contrasted with their initial arrogance. Throughly enjoyable - check it!
Cthulhu Mansion
Reply #10. Posted on September 14, 2000, 12:36:46 PM by
I've come to the conclusion that good cinematic Lovecraft is impossible.  The Elder Gods forbid it.

The only good that's ever come out of Lovecraft screen adaptations is that one where Jeffrey Combs plays the big L himself...and only those scenes.  The rest of the movie (the Necronomicon, I believe?) was awful.  Jeffrey Combs is awesome.
Cthulhu Mansion
Reply #11. Posted on October 09, 2000, 09:42:59 AM by Luis Fernando
I agree with almost everything you say in your web. Only a litle mistake: The guy walking after Chris was shot, isn't him. I know that very well, cause I did play Chris ten years ago, and never shot the scene passing by the guards. I don't mean gods will forgive me for that work, but I promise I've done better things since then (easy, ¿doesn't it?). I've had a very good time reading your funny opinions. I promise praying on my knees 10min. a day during next ten years. Sincerely "Chris".
Cthulhu Mansion
Reply #12. Posted on May 16, 2003, 01:31:31 PM by MiKe
By the way... What happened to the Octopus-Head himself. Does he appear in the movie? No? Booo!
Cthulhu Mansion
Reply #13. Posted on May 09, 2001, 10:25:11 AM by Paul Westbrook
Lovecrafts books are much better than films based on his work. This movie is the perfect example why. It made absolutely no sense whatsoever.
Cthulhu Mansion
Reply #14. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Juan
Cthulhu doesn't love you, really.
Isn't this movie proof enough? The Old Man of Providence is twisting on his grave, I'm positive.
Cthulhu Mansion
Reply #15. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Steve
B Wing - suggest you stop taking, or reduce dosage of whatever is messin' with your mind. CTHULHU MANSION is utter drivel - a 100% badmovie.
Cthulhu Mansion
Reply #16. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by idle_lies_now
Who cares about H.P. Lovecraft and the 'faithfulness' of this adaptation?  Just seeing the name JUAN PIQUER SIMON in the opening credits should be the tip-off for some poorly acted, written, and directed cheese.  'Cthulhu Mansion' is probably Simon's best film, with truly hilarious bad acting and a few decent scare scenes.  But did we really need those crotch-shots while the guy was drowning in the shower?
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