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ELVES - 1 Slime
Rated PG-13
Copyright 1989 Elves Productions Ltd.
Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'

The Characters:  

  • Kirsten - Blonde girl who is the perfect virgin for an elf to breed with. Perfect why you ask? I don't know, she's got average looks and brains. Maybe it's just being a seventeen year old vigin...
  • Mike - Dan Haggerty (Grizzly Adams)! (Remember the guy with the bear...) Used to be a cop but now down on his luck. There is maybe one scene where he's not smoking a cigarette.
  • Kirsten's Grandfather - He was a member of the Nazi Party and created the elf. Shot by other Nazis.
  • Amy - Fairly attractive girl that likes to show off her body. Shot in the head by Nazis.
  • Brooke - Another girl who is dumb as a post, stabbed to death by the elf.
  • Mom - Kirsten's of course. SERIOUS BITCH. Electrocuted.
  • Willy - Kirsten's brother, has this nasty habit of watching his sister get naked.
  • Doctors O'Connor and Fitzpatrick - Two professors who know about the Nazis infatuation with elves.
  • The Elf - Creature created by the Nazis to breed the master race, can you imagine an army of midget Hitlers?

Buy It!

The Plot: 

My first and foremost complaint with this movie: there's ONE freaking elf! What the heck? Not only that, but they didn't use a kid or dwarf wearing a suit, they go and make top and bottom halves. You would think it was done that way so the elf could have all sorts of neat facial expressions, but oh no... ...it can barely move.

What happens is Kirsten, Amy, and Brooke have this weird ceremony in the woods and bring the elf back to life. Soon Santa's little killer is knocking off bit part actors, including a department store Santa. Hot on the heels of that death toll are the Nazis though, grandfather's old friends know the elf was resurrected and want to help it mate with Kirsten. Nazis created the elf you see, and a perfect virgin will give birth to Aryans after it lays her. (I didn't write it, don't get mad at me.)

Now Mike, he's this out of work guy who is really nice. A walking lung cancer ad, but really nice. Anyway Mike takes over as the department store Santa and has some thing for Kirsten. This hugely tangled plot comes to a head when the girls have a sleepover in the department store where Kirsten works. Mike shows up, the Nazis show up, and of course the elf shows up. After that the story gets really amusing as Mike rushes around learning about the Nazis' secret elf program to save Kirsten.

All of the incredible dialog about elves and Nazis didn't save this film, the lighting was often poor and the death scenes dull.

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • Witches bemoan the commercialization of Christmas.
  • Killer elves are nearsighted and eat toads.
  • Toads can be found climbing trees in December (northern climes).
  • Santa can tell if the toys you ask for are on sale.
  • If you need to drown the cat put it in a pillowcase then into the toilet.
  • Girls like to show off their bras in department store restaurants.
  • The Dewey Decimal for occult books is 666.
  • Department stores keep handguns loaded and in unlocked display cases.
  • Dispay counters are bulletproof.
  • Noah's Ark had elves on board.
  • Spraining a blonde's ankle will completely incapacitate her.
  • Killing an elf is like dropping bad acid.

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • 3 mins - Look lady, first of all "girls" can't be the "master race." It would be the "master gender" you rube.
  • 7 mins - Shower scene! Pan down! Lower I say!
  • 11 mins - Willy is bleeding from a cut on his shoulder and everybody just wanders out?
  • 16 mins - Nobody notices a demonic elf meandering through the department store?
  • 17 mins - Stabbed in the crotch... ...to death.
  • 19 mins - Mike gets evicted from a camper! You have hit rock bottom.
  • 39 mins - Somebody go and turn off the store alarm, jeez.
  • 45 mins - How many bullets do these guys have?
  • 59 mins - Kirsten, your grandfather is your father too? Yuck!
  • 75 mins - Why does she have to run? You're kicking the crap out of the last Nazi.

 Audio clips in wav formatSOUNDSStarving actors speak out 

FileDialog
Green Music Note elves1.wav Kirsten: "We're girls remember? We're the master race."
Green Music Note elves2.wav Detective: "Guy tries to feel you up, you slap him, words are exchanged, he's found dead a few minutes later with his nuts cut off. What should I think?"
Green Music Note elves3.wav Mike: "I want to know the connection between the elves and the Nazis."
Green Music Note elves4.wav An explanation of the elf's mating habits (very silly).

 Click for a larger imageIMAGESScenes from the movie 

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 Watch a sceneVIDEOMPEG video files 

Video Clipelves1.mpg - 1.7m
Watch in horror as the barely mobile elf attacks this department store Santa's crotch. Is it just me or does this guy look a little thin and young to be Santa?

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Internet Movie Database


Comments:Write CommentPages: 1 2 [3]
Elves
Reply #17. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Is that roast beast?
Whoa whoa whoa!!!

I cant believe this. My friend and I found Elves in the back of our local video shop in norfolk, england, about 10 years agio, rented iot, dubbed over some of the voices with samples from other films, and then obsessed over its warped genius for many years. When the video store closed down we bought the tape off them... I dont know where it is now, but I can guarantee it has been watched many many times.

So is this really Jeff Mandel, director and auteur of Elves? Did you really do jail time? What is the deal here between you and Mike Griffin? Is this just banter? I want facts and I want them now!

Actually Jeff, if this is you... you wont remember this, but about seven or eight years ago I did speak to you on the phone. My mate and I found your name and phone details on the internet and when I called I said "is this Jeff Mandel, director of elves?" You said it was, and I said we were writing a horror fanzine and wanted to interview you for it... not strictly true, but we did kind of intend to do it. It just never happened. We also called Borah Silver (he lived somewhere in California) and chatted to him about the film, he was quite a laugh...

So, if you wouldnt mind posting here what has been going on the past while, any news on cast/crew reunions, sequel hopes, I would be most interested...

Cheers!!

"Mystical symbols and Runes? Room 666"
Re: Elves
Reply #18. Posted on January 01, 2008, 07:59:00 PM by kirsten
I stumbled on this site and felt I just had to come to Jeff's defense. I will always remember working on "Elves" as one of the most magical times in my life. I was treated like a queen on the set by the production company and was catered to like a star. Even though I wasn't Jeff's first choice to play Kirsten, I hope I was able to capture the essence of the teen "virgin". Jeff is a brilliant and nurturing director who was always able to explain what he wanted out of the scene, listen to your character's imput,and blend the two to get the best out of the actor.

Jeff, by the way, has been a WORKING writer/director for many years. Not easy to do. So I find it interesting that some of the most critical people haven't actually DONE anything. What is it..."Those who can do, and those who can't"...well...can't.

"Elves" isn't meant to be taken seriously. Just good campy fun. We weren't expecting to be up for an Academy Award. Okay, maybe we were. But I just knew that line where Kirsten plunges the stone into the ground and says "Die you faggot!" was going to keep us out of the running.

For the last reviewer...Haggerty is still working in movies and selling the hell out of his BBQ sauce line. He's the only cast member I've kept in touch with. He was a dream to work with and a really good sport, even when he didn't have to be.

I have grown up a little since then. But I think I still have some Kirsten clothes in my closet. I've shifted into writing/producing, and lately have been developing TV shows and independent film.

All the best,
Kirsten



Re: Elves
Reply #19. Posted on September 27, 2009, 12:09:14 AM by Flu-Bird
Nothing spoils your christmas more then a movie like this as bad as those SILENT NIGHT DEADLY NIGHT movies
Re: Elves
Reply #20. Posted on May 31, 2010, 01:11:09 AM by Bruce's Cousin
I noticed that Gary Coleman died today.  Now, you might wonder what the connection between Gary Coleman and Elves?  Well, my late cousin, Bruce Taylor, was a writer/producer for 'Different Strokes.  After hearing about Gary Coleman I googled Bruce Taylor (while I should have been working TongueOut) just to see what else he had written.  Lo and behold, another site listed Bruce Taylor as one of the writers for the movie 'Elves'. 

Anyway, if any of the perpetrators of Elves ever comes back here, could you tell me if the Bruce Taylor who worked on Elves is the same Bruce who worked on Different Strokes?
Re: Elves
Reply #21. Posted on February 26, 2012, 02:22:17 AM by Felicity
I have a copy of this movie! The performance of Dan Haggerty did indeed help to save the movie. As the down-and-out Mike, he has a melancholy resignation that gives the movie great atmosphere. I just wish his beard didnít flare out at the ends.

That poor cat.
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