ELVES
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| Rated PG-13
| | Copyright 1989 Elves Productions Ltd.
| | Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'
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- Kirsten - Blonde girl who is the perfect virgin for an elf to breed with. Perfect why you ask? I don't know, she's got average looks and brains. Maybe it's just being a seventeen year old vigin...
- Mike - Dan Haggerty (Grizzly Adams)! (Remember the guy with the bear...) Used to be a cop but now down on his luck. There is maybe one scene where he's not smoking a cigarette.
- Kirsten's Grandfather - He was a member of the Nazi Party and created the elf. Shot by other Nazis.
- Amy - Fairly attractive girl that likes to show off her body. Shot in the head by Nazis.
- Brooke - Another girl who is dumb as a post, stabbed to death by the elf.
- Mom - Kirsten's of course. SERIOUS BITCH. Electrocuted.
- Willy - Kirsten's brother, has this nasty habit of watching his sister get naked.
- Doctors O'Connor and Fitzpatrick - Two professors who know about the Nazis infatuation with elves.
- The Elf - Creature created by the Nazis to breed the master race, can you imagine an army of midget Hitlers?
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My first and foremost complaint with this movie: there's ONE freaking elf! What the heck? Not only that, but they didn't use a kid or dwarf wearing a suit, they go and make top and bottom halves. You would think it was done that way so the elf could have all sorts of neat facial expressions, but oh no... ...it can barely move.
What happens is Kirsten, Amy, and Brooke have this weird ceremony in the woods and bring the elf back to life. Soon Santa's little killer is knocking off bit part actors, including a department store Santa. Hot on the heels of that death toll are the Nazis though, grandfather's old friends know the elf was resurrected and want to help it mate with Kirsten. Nazis created the elf you see, and a perfect virgin will give birth to Aryans after it lays her. (I didn't write it, don't get mad at me.)
Now Mike, he's this out of work guy who is really nice. A walking lung cancer ad, but really nice. Anyway Mike takes over as the department store Santa and has some thing for Kirsten. This hugely tangled plot comes to a head when the girls have a sleepover in the department store where Kirsten works. Mike shows up, the Nazis show up, and of course the elf shows up. After that the story gets really amusing as Mike rushes around learning about the Nazis' secret elf program to save Kirsten.
All of the incredible dialog about elves and Nazis didn't save this film, the lighting was often poor and the death scenes dull. |
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| Things I Learned From This Movie: | |
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- Witches bemoan the commercialization of Christmas.
- Killer elves are nearsighted and eat toads.
- Toads can be found climbing trees in December (northern climes).
- Santa can tell if the toys you ask for are on sale.
- If you need to drown the cat put it in a pillowcase then into the toilet.
- Girls like to show off their bras in department store restaurants.
- The Dewey Decimal for occult books is 666.
- Department stores keep handguns loaded and in unlocked display cases.
- Dispay counters are bulletproof.
- Noah's Ark had elves on board.
- Spraining a blonde's ankle will completely incapacitate her.
- Killing an elf is like dropping bad acid.
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- 3 mins - Look lady, first of all "girls" can't be the "master race." It would be the "master gender" you rube.
- 7 mins - Shower scene! Pan down! Lower I say!
- 11 mins - Willy is bleeding from a cut on his shoulder and everybody just wanders out?
- 16 mins - Nobody notices a demonic elf meandering through the department store?
- 17 mins - Stabbed in the crotch... ...to death.
- 19 mins - Mike gets evicted from a camper! You have hit rock bottom.
- 39 mins - Somebody go and turn off the store alarm, jeez.
- 45 mins - How many bullets do these guys have?
- 59 mins - Kirsten, your grandfather is your father too? Yuck!
- 75 mins - Why does she have to run? You're kicking the crap out of the last Nazi.
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| | Audio clips in wav format | SOUNDS | Starving actors speak out | |
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| File | Dialog |  | elves1.wav
| Kirsten: "We're girls remember? We're the master race."
| | elves2.wav
| Detective: "Guy tries to feel you up, you slap him, words are exchanged, he's found dead a few minutes later with his nuts cut off. What should I think?"
| | elves3.wav
| Mike: "I want to know the connection between the elves and the Nazis."
| | elves4.wav
| An explanation of the elf's mating habits (very silly).
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| | Click for a larger image | IMAGES | Scenes from the movie | |
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| | Watch a scene | VIDEO | MPEG video files | |
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 | elves1.mpg
- 1.7m
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| Watch in horror as the barely mobile elf attacks this department store Santa's crotch. Is it just me or does this guy look a little thin and young to be Santa?
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| | Leave a comment | EXTRAS | Buy the movie | |
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