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ELVES - 1 Slime
Rated PG-13
Copyright 1989 Elves Productions Ltd.
Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'

The Characters:  

  • Kirsten - Blonde girl who is the perfect virgin for an elf to breed with. Perfect why you ask? I don't know, she's got average looks and brains. Maybe it's just being a seventeen year old vigin...
  • Mike - Dan Haggerty (Grizzly Adams)! (Remember the guy with the bear...) Used to be a cop but now down on his luck. There is maybe one scene where he's not smoking a cigarette.
  • Kirsten's Grandfather - He was a member of the Nazi Party and created the elf. Shot by other Nazis.
  • Amy - Fairly attractive girl that likes to show off her body. Shot in the head by Nazis.
  • Brooke - Another girl who is dumb as a post, stabbed to death by the elf.
  • Mom - Kirsten's of course. SERIOUS BITCH. Electrocuted.
  • Willy - Kirsten's brother, has this nasty habit of watching his sister get naked.
  • Doctors O'Connor and Fitzpatrick - Two professors who know about the Nazis infatuation with elves.
  • The Elf - Creature created by the Nazis to breed the master race, can you imagine an army of midget Hitlers?

Buy It!

The Plot: 

My first and foremost complaint with this movie: there's ONE freaking elf! What the heck? Not only that, but they didn't use a kid or dwarf wearing a suit, they go and make top and bottom halves. You would think it was done that way so the elf could have all sorts of neat facial expressions, but oh no... can barely move.

What happens is Kirsten, Amy, and Brooke have this weird ceremony in the woods and bring the elf back to life. Soon Santa's little killer is knocking off bit part actors, including a department store Santa. Hot on the heels of that death toll are the Nazis though, grandfather's old friends know the elf was resurrected and want to help it mate with Kirsten. Nazis created the elf you see, and a perfect virgin will give birth to Aryans after it lays her. (I didn't write it, don't get mad at me.)

Now Mike, he's this out of work guy who is really nice. A walking lung cancer ad, but really nice. Anyway Mike takes over as the department store Santa and has some thing for Kirsten. This hugely tangled plot comes to a head when the girls have a sleepover in the department store where Kirsten works. Mike shows up, the Nazis show up, and of course the elf shows up. After that the story gets really amusing as Mike rushes around learning about the Nazis' secret elf program to save Kirsten.

All of the incredible dialog about elves and Nazis didn't save this film, the lighting was often poor and the death scenes dull.

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • Witches bemoan the commercialization of Christmas.
  • Killer elves are nearsighted and eat toads.
  • Toads can be found climbing trees in December (northern climes).
  • Santa can tell if the toys you ask for are on sale.
  • If you need to drown the cat put it in a pillowcase then into the toilet.
  • Girls like to show off their bras in department store restaurants.
  • The Dewey Decimal for occult books is 666.
  • Department stores keep handguns loaded and in unlocked display cases.
  • Dispay counters are bulletproof.
  • Noah's Ark had elves on board.
  • Spraining a blonde's ankle will completely incapacitate her.
  • Killing an elf is like dropping bad acid.

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • 3 mins - Look lady, first of all "girls" can't be the "master race." It would be the "master gender" you rube.
  • 7 mins - Shower scene! Pan down! Lower I say!
  • 11 mins - Willy is bleeding from a cut on his shoulder and everybody just wanders out?
  • 16 mins - Nobody notices a demonic elf meandering through the department store?
  • 17 mins - Stabbed in the crotch... death.
  • 19 mins - Mike gets evicted from a camper! You have hit rock bottom.
  • 39 mins - Somebody go and turn off the store alarm, jeez.
  • 45 mins - How many bullets do these guys have?
  • 59 mins - Kirsten, your grandfather is your father too? Yuck!
  • 75 mins - Why does she have to run? You're kicking the crap out of the last Nazi.

 Audio clips in wav formatSOUNDSStarving actors speak out 

Green Music Note elves1.wav Kirsten: "We're girls remember? We're the master race."
Green Music Note elves2.wav Detective: "Guy tries to feel you up, you slap him, words are exchanged, he's found dead a few minutes later with his nuts cut off. What should I think?"
Green Music Note elves3.wav Mike: "I want to know the connection between the elves and the Nazis."
Green Music Note elves4.wav An explanation of the elf's mating habits (very silly).

 Click for a larger imageIMAGESScenes from the movie 



 Watch a sceneVIDEOMPEG video files 

Video Clipelves1.mpg - 1.7m
Watch in horror as the barely mobile elf attacks this department store Santa's crotch. Is it just me or does this guy look a little thin and young to be Santa?

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Comments:Write CommentPages: 1 [2] 3
Reply #9. Posted on November 18, 2001, 06:44:32 PM by Super Saiyan Goku
Killer elves?! whats next?! Banshee Choirs?
Reply #10. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Spagoosh
This movie could have quite possibly been the worst movie of all time had it not been for one of america's most gifted actors, Dan "Grizzly Adams" Haggerty. One of my favorite parts of the movie is right after Mogoo so finely describes as "jumping out of the car like a badass" He then see's a man who could have quite possibly been a concerned citizen. Does Haggerty tell him about his accident Nooo.....
He uses his Keen wit to get straight to the point and asks " YOU some sorta NAZI!!!" then punches him in the face before he answered because he used his grizzled abilty to already figure that one out. For God Sakes , he hit the man so hard foam erupted from his mouth. I love this man!! By the way, Did he die at the end?
Reply #11. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Dano
When is the sequel coming out??  They very masterfully set it up at the end with embryo-elf.  I'll tell you what probably happened: some stuffed shirt Hollywood yes-man dropped the hatchet on the sequel so the could fund some Gen-X TV-remake piece of crap like Scooby Doo.

I think the ambiguity of Grizzley Adams' fate (did he die or not) is another aspect of the sequel set-up.
Reply #12. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Brian McGuire
I have so much more to say. For those anticipating the release of "Elves Two: The Fourth Reich", there may be a version released on the internet at or around May 15th as a summer blockbuster. We are currently in the story board phase, as I said I know Willy he and I are awesome friends and media productions majors and know all the fancy digital video editing and s**t . . . and s**t! This second instalment looks to either be the worst horror film of all time, or the greatest comedy ever made. We havn't recieved any official rights, mainly because we can't find anyone who wants to claim this piece of cinematic mastery. I don't think it'll be a problem though, Chris's (Willy) dad was the executive producer. Well, be looking for the sexiness May 15th.          
Reply #13. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by WitchKing
They really scraped the bottom of the barrell with this one.  Nothing particularly good or even bad enough to be memorable, save the scene where the hateful little brother watches his sister shower with perverse glee then sizes up her rack afterward.  I'm still laughing at that.
Reply #14. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:03 PM by Jeff Mandel
I’m finally out of prison and allowed to use the Internet and a computer again after all these years and what is the first thing I see?  Scathing reviews of my films.  (Chris Graham, I hid our negatives well, they were not part of my conviction.  Thanks for the memories.)

Yes.  It is I, JEFF MANDEL!  Jeff Mandel, the DIRECTOR AND CO-WRITER of ELVES!  

(I admit to a vague recollection of another film.  A “Peter” Johnson seems to think it’s ROBO-C.H.I.C.  Could this be?  We may never know the truth.  I do, however, remember a “Mr.” Johnson quite well.  As I recall he was a liar and extremely effeminate. I’m just saying.  (See ROBO-C.H.I.C. for more details.)

It’s a shame I have only now discovered this site.  I’m sure, by now, most of the people writing these comments are long dead.  But there is so much to say…  I will not defend my choices.  However, it is absolutely and completely not my fault that Bob Denver’s son, Patrick, hired to create an entire fleet of elves, showed up looking like Gilligan with only a single elf or that said elf’s cables locked up before we could even get one take in the can, freezing the elf’s countenance in that toothy, madcap grin.  But the grin was appropriate because…ELVES IS A COMEDY.  That’s right.  A comedy.  Sure it may be more funny “peculiar” than funny “ha ha.”  But to me, that’s what’s funny.  In real life I am often criticized because people cannot tell whether I’m joking or being serious.  For example, I am joking right now.  See?  And again here: “This statement is funny.”  But it’s not.  I was only kidding.  See?

Now that’s funny.  

At least Satan gets it.  I think.  And Andrew Bornteger.  I enjoyed the subtle critique and the burning personal pain I felt.  Is that all you got?  And Jeff Carpenter can score my next film anytime he wants. (Actually, does he have any kind of deal?  Does he know of any films shooting in his area that need a script or a director?  Or any position, really, if the money’s there. Please call me.)  

As for the nasty, hurtful, personal attacks of the fans?  They are EXACTLY the kind of response I was hoping for!  I love them!  Just as I love this film!  I made it for me, Jeff Mandel, auteur and aesthete, not you!  You think I care what any of you think?   You can’t hurt me and you can’t hurt my career!  I’ll match my filmmaking skills to anyone anytime anywhere!  I am as proud of ELVES as anything I’ve ever done.  And I stand behind my work 110%!    
--Name Withheld By Request
Reply #15. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Jeff Mandel
Alex and friend,

Yes, to the best of my knowledge, I am me.  I remember your interview very well, I have it transcribed and pasted on my closet door for those days when I feel worthless and like a failure at my chosen profession (which, by the way, is origami.)  Was I in England, then?  It's so hard to recall anything these days.  Oh, I beg your pardon, I see my mistake. Your email address says UK.  

In the free world, which we call America, we spell that with an F at the beginning and a C in between followed by the inevitable "YOU."

I realize it may seem self-destructive for me to hurl invective at my only two living fans in the known universe, but if you live in Great Britain, can you really call that living?  Here in America we call that "suspenders" or "elevator" or something.  

It's true I was violating a court order filming in Colorado so close to a Junior High School, but I never served any time.  Instead, I wound up doing community service as a crossing guard.  Go figure.  In truth, I was just trying to post something amusing and desperately attention-grabbing when Mike, writing from the East Coast in a drunken stupor, jealous that I was able to write anything at all while he has spent the last 15 years trying to buy a ribbon for his typewriter so he can write that novel he's been talking about since high school (or as you say in England, "bullocks.") posted a message so mean-spirited and chilling that I went back into hiding and have only come upon your post from January here in October.  (Which all of a sudden reminds me once again of the January-October romance spawned by the film the likes of which one has an opportunity for but once in a lifetime. If that. [ --Chris Graham, I am older now and can't possibly be as scary as I was.  I promise to stop calling you and hanging up and I will stop mailing you unsigned magazine subscriptions if you would only contact me so I can get a new copy of Elves - maybe even a digital DVD copy?  You must have the original master.  You or the company.  I only ever had two copies and both have stretched and broken from years of freeze-framing on my name in the credit sequence at the end.]  Alex, if Chris Graham ever responds, I will try to get you a copy, too.  Or as you say in England, "PAL.")

And now I have lost the thread of what I am doing here at the computer and yet I continue to type. It's amazing, isn't it?  How my mind works.  Or as they say in England, "public dole."   Is Margaret Thatcher still alive?

With many thanks,
(I am inclined not to leave my actual name.)
Reply #16. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Mike Griffin
So, you're finally out, eh, Jeff-o? Thanks be to Google for letting me catch my first hateful glimpse of your now un-incarcerated b*tch-ass self in this.. this.. what the hell is this place? ""? Well, there is some justice on the planet, I must say.

It's only a matter of time before I REALLY catch up to you, and then we'll review the good old days *together,* real close, you see, and we can discuss how comedy becomes tragedy when a man's flaws overcome his better judgement, like when a nice guy SNAPS and kills his former best friend for, oh, I don't know, a THOUSAND little crimes and one -- make it two, I'd momentarily blocked the memory of dear dead Rachel out of respect for her short life -- TWO big crimes.

A thousand and two crimes, and none was the one you got sent away for. Isn't that just something? You could not only claim innocence like the rest of the yardbirds, but actually mean it, because someone framed you but good. Someone who saw you'd otherwise get away without punishment for what he knew -- screw it, for what _I_ knew -- you were truly responsible for.

I suppose this being a cultie site, and I apologize for any incorrect terminology to the innocent membership, I can best establish my bona fides to those who care to know who the devil I am by looking at the names of the other two co-writers -- not on the slipcase, mind you, Jeff-o managed to have another "memory slip" when he sent out the printing order -- but I'm there in the rolling credits, sure enough. Would that I weren't, but there it is, and there I am.

Your days are numbered, Jeff. What a ridiculous sentence! So trite, so hackneyed, so TRUE, unlike your prison sentence. Remember that dialogue I wrote -- "How many teeth you got?" Cracked me up then. Even funnier now, because I'm SO looking forward to saying it to your doomed face. You no doubt had a little fun writing your comment above -- the old glib Jeff never could resist the taste of his own words, tossed out like gratuitous candy to gather and grow his circle of followers, that hasn't changed, apparently -- but now this site won't be a source of amusement to you anymore.

No, it won't. It's here you learned I'm still alive. And I'm out for your pain, your blood, and your cowardly screams of mercy. Which, by the way, I'll decide upon at the appropriate time. So if things aren't going well for you when that time comes, just scream a little louder. It might work.

"Name Withheld By Request" Ha. Ha. Very funny. Now laugh at this:

-- Your friend,
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