EVIL SPAWN
- 
|
| Not Rated
| | Copyright 1987 American Independent Productions
| | Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 24 November 2001
|
|
- Lynn Roman - Aging actress that cannot understand why the offers to star in movies have ceased. Maybe it's because she has to rely on, now that her looks are gone, her acting talent and that SUCKS. Turns into a bipedal insect before being shot.
- Ross - The writer who has always loved Lynn and is now working on a biography. Killed by something (I don't know, it's a something) bursting from his chest.
- Elaine - Hired as Lynn's secretary for her ability to forge the actress' signature on fan photographs. Monster chow.
- Harry - Of all the dirty, sneaky, little weasels to hire as your agent. Lynn gets him good.
- Brent - The latest lover to be taken by Lynn. Apparently she likes her boy toys monogamous; a claw rips out his cheating heart.
- Tracy - She had better keep that day job (as Brent's floozy), because she will never make it as an exotic dancer. Presumed to be kibble; the flayed corpse that Ross finds in a tree might be her, it's skinny enough.
- Dr. Zeitman - John Carradine! Once a genius scientist, now a study in euthanasia.
- Evelyn - Unbalanced assistant to Dr. Zeitman who wants Lynn, her idol, to remain young forever. Blows her own brains out.
|
|
| |
|
Music befitting (read: heavily influenced by, stolen, ripped-off from) John Carpenter's "The Thing" begins with the opening credits. They inform us that a probe sent to Venus has brought back alien life, the use of which is the subject of our film. Next we cut to a lab where the samples are being studied. Somehow Evelyn, she of very dubious mental health, came to be a part of the project. While another researcher works late in the lab, psycho woman opens the metal box that holds an ugly critter and then locks the doors. As would be expected, it chews up the poor fellow, but he is not dead. The victim starts mutating and finds his way out of the lab where a young couple runs afoul of the "beast." Mayhem results and the boy has his arm pulled off, then the girl crushes the creature between a wall and their jeep. Apparently the mutation moved alien boy's heart, or some other vital organ, into his legs, because he dies instantly.
Evelyn stole a sample of the alien microbes when she left the lab. She visits Dr. Zeitman and they have what must be one of the most disjointed conversations I've ever heard. My grandmother had Alzheimer's so bad that she even forgot who I was; we still had more coherent conversations than the two characters at hand. At the end of the scene Zeitman dies, apparently of old age.
The real horror begins with Lynn's introduction. From here on out the writer wanted us to feel sorry for the woman. She has committed a crime among female actors: she aged. That means lots of screen time to build her character, dependent solely upon the actress being able to carry the scene. I kid you not, the acting is awful and everyone is guilty. Remove the few scenes where a monster attacks someone, loop the movie, and you have a hideous instrument of torture.
Anyway, about Lynn: she has not been given a decent part in some time and things are looking bad. When you are a Hollywood sex goddess and the pool boy is a senior citizen... ...well, things are bad. Evelyn mysteriously appears with her offer of a new serum that will restore youth and vitality, but the actress is initially dubious and refuses. Wouldn't you? Think about it; if someone ever invents boosterspice then keeping the discovery quiet is going to be impossible. There are an awful lot of rich old men who would be rich young men the next morning (Mr. Hefner would probably be first in line). The curse of years is really hanging heavy on Mrs. Roman's mind though. She has a nightmare about spontaneously turning into a rotting corpse. Jolted awake, she injects herself with the drug and immediately has a violent reaction.
More problems arise the next morning (for us, the viewers - we're the real victims here) as Lynn admires her newfound youth. She doesn't look any younger than the previous day! Arrggghhhh! I guess that we are supposed to use our imaginations. And there is more padding as Lynn chats up a director friend in hopes of landing a lead role. Lucky for us heterosexual males, right about now Elaine decides to go swimming. The nubile secretary is not hard on the eyes at all, especially after casting off her swimsuit. Rooowwwwlllll!
Lynn's business date is a total disaster, she almost begs for the female lead in "Savage Goddess" at its conclusion. When the distraught woman returns home the words echoing in her head are a description of the actress they want to play the part. It matches Elaine (still swimming nude, bless her heart) perfectly. You should have realized by now that the young lady is not long for this world. Lynn transforms and, in a fit of jealous woman-mutant rage, savages her assistant.
A radio report gives Ross, who was uncomfortable with the serum treatment, all the pieces of the puzzle. Evelyn is wanted on murder charges in connection with the deaths of Dr. Zeitman and the poor lab worker from the beginning. He quickly visits Lynn to tell her that she is screwed. Her reaction is to totally freak out and visit Harry's office. Once there, the vengeful actress gives herself a fresh injection and leaves Harry looking like he was attacked by a swarm of bees.
Meanwhile, back at Lynn's mansion, Brent is entertaining his latest sperm receptacle in the living room! Honestly, what sort of rich moron decides to cheat on his girlfriend in her own house? It is a bad idea, even when she cannot turn into a mutant insect. After an atrocious "erotic dance" scene (I would stick a wallet in the girl's mouth if she started jerking around like that) the two illicit lovers try to get down to business. The ominous buzzing, coming from outside, worries the girl and she quickly loses the urge to fornicate. The creature's appearance means that Brent and Company had better hope there is sex in the afterlife, 'cause they sure ain't gettin' no more in this one.
Ross and two police officers confront the monster near the pool, but communication is unsuccessful and the biographer is wounded. Gunfire from the cops kills the beast, leaving Ross to write his story about a woman who could not accept her waning youth.
I had waited for years to see this remake of "The Wasp Woman." Should time travel ever become commonplace, I think that warning my younger self of this folly will be high on the list. Between expeditions to the Paleozoic and Mesozoic of course, because I'm going to catch a dragonfly two feet long - just to show mom. Oh well, reality is a cruel master. The monster suit is pretty good considering the obvious budget constraints; the problem is its appearances are few and far between. Other than that, the audience suffers through lots of plot development. Long, hard suffering.
|
|
| Things I Learned From This Movie: | |
|
- Mutant hand puppets should be kept in a secure cage.
- "Finding her lost cat" nookie is just as good as make-up sex.
- Early morning coitus may result in temporary hearing loss.
- Drugs will cause you to spit up milk.
- Wait at least thirty minutes after being mauled before getting in the pool. (It's not so much a problem of cramping as of clotting.)
- Drinking blood causes the worst hangover.
- Killing your agent is not the best way to kick start a stagnant film career.
- Bullets, when fired by policemen, will only hit the intended target or nearby potted plants.
|
|
- Opening Credits - Did you read all the stuff about a probe returning from Venus with alien microbes? Good, now forget it. This has no bearing on the plot at all.
- 9 mins - You were infected by an extraterrestrial mutagen on graduation night?
- 20 mins - Lynn's drink looks suspiciously like water...
- 23 mins - No more "acting!" Stop! Stop right now before I sic the ghost of er... ...somebody who can act on you!
- 36 mins - You look the same as yesterday. Nevermind, here goes the top.
- 37 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
- 46 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
- 50 mins - Where in the hell is MacReady? Has anybody seen Fuchs? Man, this music is driving me nuts.
|
|
- Lynn: "Well at least let me read."
Director: "The answer is no; under no circumstances can you read for 'The Savage Goddess!' You're not right for the part and you're just too damn old."
|
| | Audio clips in wav format | SOUNDS | Starving actors speak out | |
|
| File | Dialog |  | evilspawn1.wav
| Lynn: "What is this? 'The She Demon?' 'Imperial Productions?' Isn't that an independent? Ah! Aren't they the ones who do those schlocky low budget films in Italy?"
| | evilspawn2.wav
| Evelyn: "Dr. Zeitman has not only accomplished this, but he's managed to halt cellular decay altogether. In short this means you never grow old."
| | evilspawn3.wav
| Ross: "The man was a lunatic, he was deranged! They found evidence he was using drugs to cause mutations on people."
Lynn: "What do you mean, mutations?"
| | evilspawn4.wav
| Lynn: "It's the best thing that ever happened to me! There's nothing wrong with his serum!"
Ross: "Good God Lynn! Do you know what that stuff is doing to you? It might cause permanent mental damage!"
| | Theme Song | Listen to a clip from the soundtrack. | |
| | Click for a larger image | IMAGES | Scenes from the movie | |
|
|
|
| | Watch a scene | VIDEO | MPEG video files | |
|
 | evilspawn1.mpg
- 1.6m
|
| Poor Elaine heard something buzzing around the pool while she was swimming. It was not a horsefly (those are bad enough), but the insect monster previously known as Lynn.
|
|
| | Leave a comment | EXTRAS | Buy the movie | |
|
|
