|Copyright 1996 Polonia Brothers Entertainment (talk about an oxymoron)
| Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 17 August 2008
- Derek - Photography geek who had giant hair (imagine a short, fat mullet).
- Bennett - Another geek, this time the long-necked variety. What frightened me the most about this character was that he wears thigh-high white crew socks. Where did he find those awful things? Killed, and not by the fashion police.
- Michelle - Female Sasquatch! I will say this about the she-beast: she proved to be more than a match for two of the killer aliens.
- Donna - Not the most attractive woman; even her fridge was ugly. Munched.
- The Fisherman - Chomped.
- The Doctor - Chewed.
- The Park Ranger - Gnawed.
- Other People - Devoured, nibbled, feasted upon, consumed, and bitten. There, I think I'm finally out of verbs that mean "eaten."
- The Feeders - Hungry aliens. Probably extinct, because if a tribe of ultra hairy butch bush broads did not kill them, then indigestion surely would have.
|When the movie started, I knew I might be in trouble. It was the flying saucer special effects that tipped me off. They were, well, not very special. A few minutes later I knew I was in trouble, because the film started in earnest, and it earnestly wanted to hurt me. The flying saucer zipped over a natural park; it then beamed down a pair of wobbly alien puppets that started snarling and running around. Wait, that is being far too kind. The aliens were puppets, but they did not run around - somebody held them in front of the camera (by the lower half) and shook them.
This is so not good. It reminded me of the time I asked my mom, "Mommy, why do people make awful movies?" and she replied, "Because they want to hurt you, dear."
Mom was right. Mom was so right. If the start of the movie was not bad enough, it just got worse. The two main characters were introduced, and I hated them from the moment I saw them. HATED THEM. I STILL HATE THEM. Their names were Derek and Bennett, and they were on some sort of stupid road trip. I did not care. What I wanted was for their Mustang convertible to blow a tire, careen off the road, and run smack into a propane tank. Even the (not so startling) revelation that Derek was a virgin failed to cheer me up.
So what if he was a virgin? Cherry or no cherry, he was on my television screen, and I could not get rid of him. Even worse, Derek and his partner were often accompanied by background music that sounded like it came from the old Charlie Brown cartoons...if it was played by someone who was trying not to get sued for kinda/sorta copying the Charlie Brown music.
While Derek and Bennett were driving around (and driving me crazy), the Feeders helped themselves to a generous platter of human hors d'oeuvre. That's right; the movie's title was inexplicably accurate. The creatures traveled hundreds of light years for a bite to eat. They ate the fisherman's freshly caught fish, they ate the fisherman (apparently, being eaten causes your fingertips to bleed), and they even ate the forest ranger. No meal was too large for the hungry gray connoisseurs. To depict the ferocious attacks, the mottled "E.T. the Extra-Hungry" puppets were placed against the victim and rolled back and forth. The person screamed and spat fake blood. It did not look remotely realistic.
Maybe the Feeders should have had needle-sharp teeth, or even teeth at all. As it was, they barely had mouths. Mouths would have helped the realism.
Elsewhere, the two protagonists drove around and had meaningful conversations with each other, again with that silly music playing in the background. It reminded me of a feminine protection commercial, only with men instead of women. Even when they accidentally ran over a random pedestrian and took the mangled fellow to the local doctor's office, the disturbing "Always" advertisement illusion remained. The two guys carried the third, bleeding man between them. I could just see that adapted into a feminine protection commercial.
Arrrrrgggh! What caused that thought? This movie ate my brain. What now types these words is little more than an empty shell.
In case you cared: the man that Bennett hit with the car died.
The aliens saw the world in "1960's Vision." Everything was rendered in pinks and purples, or plain metallic. Had the film makers (who were also the main characters) applied that effect more often, perhaps the "dead man" obligingly rolling over in the doctor's office would not have been so obvious. Maybe I would not have noticed that the doctor's tie changed between scenes. Chances are, had the entire movie been filmed in "1960's Vision," I would have become nauseous. I would not have finished watching it, and I would be a much happier person.
Before departing from the doctor's office, Bennett filled out whatever paperwork was required for squishing somebody who had stumbled into the road. Then he and his fresh-smelling buddy elected to camp out to save money. Get this: they parked the car, and then hiked for two hours before they stopped to set up camp. Luckily, the extreme nature walk was compressed into a few minutes of movie time; otherwise, I might have been exposed to TWO SODDING HOURS of Bennett's accursed socks (and they suddenly changed at one point).
I hate his socks. I hate his socks. I hate his socks.
The human-gobbling aliens did try to help me out by attacking Bennett and Derek, but an acid-squirting miniature terror was no match for Bennett. He grabbed a stone and slammed it down on the creature's head. Since time beyond human comprehension, that approach has solved the World's problems. When all else has failed, we have always been able to rely on a monkey with a rock to get the job done.
For some reason, camping out under the flesh-consuming stars no longer held any interest for the protagonists. They hightailed it back to their car, discovered it was dead (Fords, bleh), and then took refuge inside of a house. Before breathing a sigh of relief, they had to look through the house. What they found was that the owners had been the kind of people who stack crap on the stairs (boo to you people), someone in the house had a spoon collection, and the previous owners had already been eaten by the Feeders.
Derek also discovered that his hand was slowly being dissolved by the Feeder's acid, meaning the alien that Bennett flattened with the rock. Too stupid to do much else, Derek just wrapped the blistered hand again. I tried to help Derek. I told him that he should flush the wound with clean water. It was acid, that was the right thing to do. If Derek's blistered palm had been caused by some sort of alien protozoa, I'd have told him to immerse it in bleach.
In truth, I did not care what happened to Derek, or his hand. I just did not want him flushing flesh-eating protozoa down the drain; there is this thing called the water cycle, and sooner or later I have to brush my teeth. Plus, soaking his hand in bleach would have caused Derek a great deal of pain.
This deal between Derek, Bennett, and me is very personal.
Once they were barricaded inside the house, the two humans were able to repel further Feeder attacks - until a flying saucer arrived and zapped the house with an earthquake ray. Then Bennett was abducted, copied (egad, why?), and both the real and the imitation Bennett were returned to the house to exponentially complicate Derek's life. Which one did Derek chop up with a sickle? He had a 50/50 chance of picking the right Bennett to massacre. Which do you think he chopped up? Do you think it even mattered?
No, it did not matter. None of this mattered. It still does not matter.
My number one problem with the movie was that I could not stand the characters, because they were so bland. My number two problem was the special effects, because they were universally awful. There was one rather good bloody skull with eyes prop, and there was an awesome shot of an alien gnawing on the doctor's decapitated head. In the case of the doctor's head scene, the special effects were still just plain awful, but the scene was priceless. If the movie had displayed that sort of misguided genius more often, I might not be where I am today (sitting here, upset with the people who made the film).
|Things I Learned From This Movie:
- There is nothing more frustrating than getting all the way out to the fishing hole and realizing you brought the cat carrier instead of your tackle box.
- Only the men in black can prevent forest fires.
- Mustang convertibles have a huge blind spot directly in front of the windshield.
- Autopsies are performed to make sure that a corpse is not filled with entrail-eating alien creatures.
- The only thing geekier than a pencil neck geek is his shadow.
- Electric stoves require matches.
- Falling onto a couch can knock a man (I hesitate to use that term in this case) unconscious.
- The reason that aliens abduct people is that the extraterrestrial maniacs enjoy filling humans with pancake batter.
- FBI Warning - This looks like it was pirated from a VHS tape.
- 11 mins - I am getting annoyed with this film.
- 16 mins - $1.09 a gallon for gas. **SIGH**
- 17 mins - Are you sure that she and you are even the same species?
- 29 mins - Yikes! That has got to be some sort of a record for wood paneling. The door is even wood paneling. The next room is wood paneling. It looks like the desk in the next room is made of wood paneling.
- 31 mins - What are stone steps doing in the middle of a forest? Never mind, I just hope you both fall down them.
- 33 mins - Does anyone want to bet against me that his socks are still to his knees?
- 33 mins - Pay up, suckers.
- 46 mins - No man should be able to swallow like that.
- 55 mins - I was thinking the same thing about you, but not in the context of the movie. I mean you, personally.
- Narrator: "Where do these creatures come from? What do they want on Earth? Are they friends?"
- Fake Bennett: "We came here many light years away for the simple reason to survive."
|Audio clips in wav format
|Starving actors speak out
|Radio: "No explanation has been given to us from the authorities explaining this phenomena. So, enjoy your weekend and keep watching the skies."
Derek: "Do you believe that?"
Bennett: "Ah, it's all a bunch of horses**t. These people watch too much television."
Bennett: "Yeah, 'The Outer Limits.'"
|Donna: "Hello, this is Donna."
Michelle: "Donna, it's Michelle. What's up?"
Donna: "I made my dad lunch, but he never came home."
Michelle: "I met a cute guy today."
Donna: "Where at?"
Michelle: "At the gas station. He and a friend were passing through."
Donna: "Where are they from?"
Michelle: "Idaho, or somewhere out there. They invited us to a party out at the park."
Donna: "The park? I don't know. My father is the head ranger. He'll catch us."
|A Feeder screaming.
Bennett: "Man, that was a UFO!"
Derek: "It wasn't. It couldn't have been!"
Bennett: "I told you some strange s**t was going on out here. Let's go."
Derek: "Hold it; hold it. Don't you think that we're over reacting a little bit here? I mean, there has to be a natural explanation for all this."
Bennett: "Natural? Then why the hell don't you tell me what it is?"
Derek: "You're right. Let's bail."
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