Godzilla 2000 B-Movie Review

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GODZILLA 2000 - 2 Slimes

Rated PG

Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 21 February 2009

The Characters:

Shinoda - Apparently, living and working out of a studio loft apartment while your lifetime scientific rival sips chardonnay with the heads of state and flies around in a helicopter is a feather in your cap.
Yuki - For this woman, a lead-lined, professional grade, digital SLR camera is the Holy Grail.
Io - The first thing that she did after this movie was over was to take out a life insurance policy on her dad.
Katagiri - Everybody knew that he would go far due to his incredibly intense stare. It is the stare of a man who is going places. His secret is that he uses coffee in place of Visine, and that his eyelids have been surgically removed. Squished.
Miyasaka - You little toad.
Godzilla - He is going to rock Japan just like a hurricane. Except...Japan does not have to worry about hurricanes, they get typhoons. If a hurricane ever showed up in Japan, it would probably be lost and looking to buy a cheap GPS.
Orga - Giant monster that dies spectacularly when it tries to swallow Godzilla whole. Let me say that again: it tries to swallow Godzilla whole. Anybody confused as to why this thing is dead? No? Good.
The Flying Blue Nose from Outer Space - Wow, dumb.

The Plot:

Godzilla is a force of nature (8/8 trample, and all that) incarnated as a towering radioactive monster. When on a rampage, and he only visits Japan when he is in the mood to rampage, he is as destructive as any typhoon, earthquake, or tsunami. In fact, he could be more dangerous due to his unpredictability. An earthquake can level a city, leaving just rubble and refugees. The difference is that Godzilla is liable to return to stomp on all of the people who thought they were safe because there weren't any buildings left to collapse on them. Earthquakes don't do that.

Godzilla taking a leisurely stroll from Tokyo to Kyoto would be enough to make the utility companies lobby the government for the power to draft workers to repair downed electrical lines, cause a salivating Pavlov reaction in construction company CEOs, and inspire thousands of suicides among insurance underwriters. I always wonder if homeowners' policies in Japan require special coverage to insure against losses caused by giant monsters. Even worse, what if you need separate coverage for each different monster? "Oh, I'm sorry. Your plan only covered losses by Godzilla, Manda, Ghidrah, Gigan, or Anguirus. You are not insured against Baragon."

So, an interesting idea in "Godzilla 2000" is the Godzilla Prediction Network (GPN), which is a cousin to the storm chasers who hunt tornados. Shinoda and Io are the heart of the network, and the father-daughter team is very successful at predicting when and where Godzilla will come ashore. The Godzilla chasers want to understand what makes Godzilla tick, and why the giant monster is compelled to smash Tokyo flat every couple of years. What causes the rampages? Mrs. G getting on his nerves? His favorite team losing a game? Does Godzilla just wake up one morning and say to himself, "I hate people?"

Personally, I am voting for "I hate people."

The first half of the movie features Shinoda, Yuki, and Io chasing after Godzilla as the reptilian behemoth visits death and destruction on Japan once more. The Godzilla suit is excellent, and there are some beautiful shots of Godzilla stomping along, wrecking everything in his path. Actually, most of the scenes in the movie that show Godzilla are excellent. Unfortunately, there are a couple of scenes that look terrible. Anything with the meteorite (more on that stupid rock in a minute) looks awful, and there is one special effects shot of an attack helicopter launching missiles at Godzilla that looks so bad I wish I had never seen it to begin with.

Overall though, the blending of man-in-a-suit, real footage, and special effects is very good.

Godzilla comes ashore again, and nothing is stopping the king of monsters. Aquatic mines are useless, attack helicopters do not have any effect, tanks do not slow him down, he completely ignores the jet fighters, and the new Godzilla-piercing missiles...OK, those kind of hurt. Godzilla is not happy about the Godzilla-piercing missiles. Most of Japan stays glued to their televisions watching special reports on Godzilla, but Katagiri and Miyasaka are preoccupied by a huge meteorite that was found on the ocean floor. Raising the massive object to the surface causes an unexpected reaction: the meteorite levitates out of the water itself. Turns out that the meteorite is actually a solar-powered spaceship. It soaks up the sun's rays for a while, then zips off toward the Japanese mainland. When it arrives, the spaceship gets into a fight with Godzilla. The monster and the extraterrestrial craft blast each other. Godzilla swims off to recuperate, while the mysterious visitor from outer space sheds its rocky covering to reveal a sleek blue ship that is unconventional in its design.

The alien spaceship looks like a flying saucer with a big blue nose. Weird. Even weirder than that is the fact that Godzilla has the microscopic equivalent of magic elves in his blood. The "Regenerator G1" cells repair almost any damage immediately. The little magic elves are the reason that the flying blue nose is after Godzilla.

Did I really just type that last sentence?

Can your hearts stand the shocking truth about computer hackers from outer space? I ask because the spaceship parks itself atop a Shinjuku skyscraper and starts accessing the city's computer systems, all of them. The alien intelligence is searching for information about Godzilla. Shinoda tries to discover what the alien is after, but he almost gets killed when Katagiri orders the spaceship blown to kingdom come. The forty trillion candlepower plasma spotlight bombs obliterate the top few floors of the skyscraper; the spaceship is unscathed.

By this time, Godzilla is done taking a break. He shows up, angry at the flying nose from outer space. Unfortunately, there probably is not any way to have an interesting fight between a flying blue nose and Godzilla. This film is proof of that. Even after the spaceship knocks Godzilla down and steals a sample of Regenerator G1 to get pregnant, the movie does not get any better. The product of alien DNA combined with Regenerator G1 is a massive alien monster called Orga. The Orga suit looks terrible, and it is so massive that the actor inside can barely move. Orga basically has two attacks. One is to hunch over and shoot some sort of energy beam. The second is a comically bad haymaker.

Meanwhile, Godzilla blasts the spaceship and destroys most of it. Now the darn thing really does look like a flying nose! I am thankful that Godzilla finally destroyed the rest of that hideous special effect construction and put it out of its misery. I am even more thankful that Godzilla showed Orga why snakes never try to swallow radioactive fire-breathing lizards. As for what Godzilla does to Katagiri - well, I think that we all knew that was coming.

Out of everybody in this film, I feel sorry for Yuki. Her attempts to take pictures of Godzilla are doomed to failure, because she keeps getting too close to the radioactive monster. The film is destroyed by the radiation whenever that happens! You know, it might be a good idea for Yuki to get a mammogram in the near future. Her employer's health insurance program should cover it.

While the GPN is following Godzilla, the human part of the story is acceptable, but it feels like filler once Shinoda starts investigating Regenerator G1 in the laboratory. That old filler feeling is even worse when he sneaks into the skyscraper to spy on the alien's computer hacking efforts. As usual, the real reason to watch a Godzilla movie is Godzilla himself. We all want to revel in his destructive nature. I loved the scenes of Godzilla stomping around, making a nuisance of himself to anybody not smart enough to get out from underfoot. The same cannot be said of Godzilla's battles against the flying blue nose and Orga; those are not interesting.

Things I Learned From This Movie:

Godzilla thinks that boats are for playing fetch.
Auto safety glass is not designed to withstand halitosis.
Destroying Tokyo on a regular basis is just Godzilla's way of promoting green energy.
The Blue Angels were formed to develop practical uses for synchronized aerobatics in combat situations.
Nobody likes a tailgater.
Every skyscraper needs a "No Parking" sign on the roof.
Installing optical fiber in your house is about as safe as licking a used handkerchief.
The worst thing about being a heartless government bastard is having to subsidize FTD Florists with your paycheck.
In the event of a UFO gravity cannon, avoid the stairs and use the elevator shaft.
Godzilla hates people that can't parallel park.

Stuff To Watch For:

4 mins - Dude, you need to find a convenience store and buy yourself a lottery ticket.
7 mins - Did you have to shine it in his eyes? Was there any doubt about what you were looking at?
11 mins - It's a Japanese man, dubbed in English, speaking French. Freaky.
23 mins - Were you two an item at one time?
38 mins - If you are trying to guess Godzilla's age by counting the layers of sediment...I think that I have found a flaw in your technique.
48 mins - What idiot attached the tethers to the bridge?
60 mins - Those are either bombs or a special edition of "Stratego."
68 mins - Do not ask me how it is that Shinoda still has hands, let alone skin on those hands, left. I don't know.
69 mins - The look she just gave him means **Splooter!**
75 mins - Did the flying saucer just hit a cat?

Audio clips in wav format

SOUNDS

Starving actors speak out

	File	Dialog
	godzilla2k1.wav	Yuki: "Are you sure he's going to come?" Shinoda: "Hope so. Don't want to disappoint a big shot reporter like you." Yuki: "I've really got to get some great pictures of him."
	godzilla2k2.wav	Katagiri: "This is Katagiri of Crisis Control. Godzilla is heading for Tokai as we speak. Shut down all your reactors immediately." Technician: "Are you crazy? I don't have the authority." Katagiri: "You do now, and as head of the Crisis Control agency, I'm giving you authorization. Now shut down those reactors!"
	godzilla2k3.wav	Miyasaka: "I'm convinced that this vessel comes from another galaxy." Bureaucrat: "A visitor from outer space? My God, it's just too crazy to believe." Miyasaka: "Right. Like Godzilla's normal."
	godzilla2k4.wav	Yuki: "But then, why? Why does he keep protecting us?" Shinoda: "Maybe because...Godzilla is inside each one of us."
	Theme Song	Listen to a clip from the soundtrack.