|HEAVY METAL 2000
|Copyright 1999 Cine-Groupe, Helkon Media, and Das Werk
| Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 9 May 2006
- Julie - Julie Strain! The simple daughter of a terraformer who is experienced with ranged and melee weapons, as well as sex and spacecraft. I tell you, those terraformers' daughters...
- Kerrie - Julie's sister who knows how to swing a sword. She almost ends up as a milked cadaver (more on that later).
- Germain - Annoying guy that tags along with Julie after he deserts the bad guys' gang.
- Zeek - If I were going to leave a guardian for something ultra-important, it would be a lot smarter than this thing.
- Odin - Billy Idol dressed like Zeratul! Well, until he turns into a horrible CGI demon.
- Tyler - Michael Ironsides! Just your average asteroid miner, until a cursed crystal turns him into a nearly unstoppable madman. Stabbed and slashed to death by Julie.
|The original "Heavy Metal" is still an enjoyable movie to me. Its animation might look dated, but it has a certain style and the stories are entertaining. The plot tying them together is tenuous, I agree. The movie still works, because the short pieces take the viewer on a diverse adventure. This newer film falls flat in that respect. A single continuous plot is more difficult to pull off and these people did not manage it. Also, the characters are less engaging. In all honesty, every single one of them annoys me. The animation is also not up to snuff, especially the mishmash of CGI added (usually for spacecraft) and the way characters move.
In the first moments we are treated to scenes from outer space while Zeek explains part of the story. In ages past, a race called the Arakacians discovered a place where space-time leaked fluid. This fluid granted immortality to anyone who consumed it. The Arakacians built an empire and enslaved other races; they were unstoppable. Actually, from what I can tell, the liquid gave the individual amazing regenerative powers. How this would prevent the Arakacians from being defeated in a war with other technological races is a mystery. Nuclear weapons, plasma cannons, and x-ray lasers would probably do the trick. Sure, an Arakacian might regenerate after the ship was destroyed, but it would be floating in deep space.
The Arakacians were vanquished after the chamber (where they gathered the water of life) was sealed by freedom fighters. The key, a glowing crystal that would drive anyone mad who possessed it, was cast into space and lost among the stars. Okay, how many problems can we find here? I would presume that the chamber was built by the Arakacians, meaning that they could sunder it and regain the elixir. Anything can be done, given enough time and materials. Are we to assume that the chamber is a byproduct of the space-time anomaly? And, along with all that, it comes with a key? Arrrgghhh! This hurts my head.
An asteroid mining operation discovers the crystal key while taking core samples, which involves setting up tons of equipment and conduit. Tyler warns the fellow who jackhammered the cavity open that the glowing shard could be a biohazard. He then picks it up, immediately transforming into a bloodthirsty maniac. Armed with pistols and a bad attitude, he has no problem taking control of the asteroid mining mothership. A few people resist, but apparently the crew is mostly comprised of mercenaries anyway.
This movie has insulted your and my intelligence a lot in the first few minutes. Not a good start.
The discovery of the key also causes a light display on Urobonis (the Arakacians' home planet, where the spring of immortality is located) and Zeek manifests. The movie took an even steeper dive into ugliness here, because I find Zeek irritating.
Tyler's first order of business is to scan worlds that were once Arakacian colonies. Best I can figure, the crystal also imparts a lot of knowledge to the owner; it might be the sudden influx of twisted information that drives people insane. The tyrant's searching pays off when a scan of Eden reveals traces of the immortality liquid. Flights of CGI attack craft swarm over the solitary settlement, launching CGI rockets that explode in CGI explosions over hand drawn buildings. Yes, it is that darn bad. You may have guessed that Eden was Julie's home. Both she and her father try to put up some sort of defense. It is amazingly successful, largely due to the invaders behaving like "Zaxxon" sprites. However, eventually the gutsy heroine is knocked down a cliff as her father rams an attacker's ship with his own. Bands of merciless raiders descend on the planet, taking away any survivors as prisoners. Kerrie is also taken, though Germain tries to protect her and is left to die on the ruined planet for his trouble.
Most of the Eden refugees are killed and small amounts of the Arakacian chemical extracted from their pickled bodies. Tyler drinks this, relishing the rejuvenation. He also takes a liking to Kerrie. As in he likes the idea of keeping her in a cage near his bed. Meanwhile, back on Eden, Germain sets about repairing a junky old spaceship that was in one of the hangers. Julie discovers him there and introduces the weasel-like fellow to her bad temper. In fact, I think that if he was not useful, she would have shot him.
Following the Eden massacre, the maniac and his raiders stop off at a giant space station. They visit a seedy bar where they can drink, watch the multi-breasted dancers, and rape a few serving girls. That is where Julie finds Tyler and shoots the ever living snot out of him. Quite unfortunately, "ever living" is the operative phrase. As the satisfied girl strides away, Tyler stands up and delivers his signature line. A serious gun battle develops as Julie and a few random patrons trade laser fire with the madman and his henchman. Tyler's group gets the upper hand, but Julie survives by diving out of the club as grenades destroy the place. Absolutely no police or security forces respond, making me wonder how the space station survives. Planets make it through mankind's more aggressive encounters due to durability and sheer size. The station might be big, I will allow you that. It is still not large enough to allow a wild west mentality.
The reason that Tyler docked at the space station was to execute a hyperspace jump. The mining ship is loaded into the central column of the station, then accelerated down a Dr. Who pathway. Julie barely manages to tag along by using her tractor beam. The ensuing mess, caused by attack craft going after the tiny hitchhiker, disrupts the shimmering pathway. Both the mining ship and Julie's little shuttle crash on Urobonis. Julie encounters Odin and Zeek, while Tyler finds a warlike lizard race to conquer and use as his personal army.
Before the lizardmen march on the holy city, Julie attempts to assassinate Tyler once more. She somehow tricks her way into the maniac's bedchamber and goes to work. This time the woman with an attitude knows about the regeneration drink too. Tyler is just about finished when Zeek bursts in and drags Julie away. Damn you Zeek! During their flight from the enemy fortress, Julie and her two companions happen upon Tyler's ship. They rescue Kerrie, but destroy the craft (and Tyler's stash of elixir) in the process.
The stage is finally set for a bloody battle between the forces of good, guarding the Arakacian shrine, and Tyler's reptilian horde. What gets me is that both sides are only armed with medieval technology. Swords, axes, bows, and armor abound. In the face of a universe filled with guided missiles, lasers, and supersonic killercraft, the ultimate defenders of civilization from a return to Arakacian tyranny are using spears. What the heck? How about a nuke, a fuel air bomb, hunter killer robots, or even a dozen Winchester repeating rifles?
Just so you know, Julie does swim out to the shrine of Victoria's Violent Secret and gear up for the battle. At the very entrance to the Arakacian immortality spring, she defeats Tyler in a suitably bloody fashion (and, this time, he stays dead). However, Zeek intercedes to prevent Odin (a closet Arakacian) from regaining the lost source of his race's power. The little guardian then floats into orbit, carrying away the glowing temptation to be hidden once again.
While Zeek carrying the key into space and enveloping it to become another asteroid might be whimsical (or something), I would also like to point out how immensely stupid it is. Some poor sap is going to find it again! Cast the key into the center of a sun or a black hole. Hell, if the chamber really is impregnable, lock it inside. I used to play "Adventure" and hated that freaking bat. My ten year-old brain came up with a wonderful revenge for all the times it would take my key, or the sword, and leave me with a dragon. After trapping the bat in a castle I would lock the key inside with it. Ha, take that! In any case, if a little kid can figure this out, why did it escape the Urobonis mystics?
What the heck was a bat doing carrying a dragon anyway?
|Things I Learned From This Movie:|| |
- Determining the composition of an asteroid takes a lot of effort and infrastructure.
- Captain Planet has an evil older brother.
- Immortality tastes like lemon.
- Always store your health powerups in shatterproof containers.
- Rubber sex androids will eventually replace airbags.
- It is difficult to tell the difference between lava and acid when using flesh as a litmus test.
- Advanced spacecraft do not require flame suppression systems (actually, not too surprising, you could just vent the affected compartment to space).
- There are times when a man might need a Kotex.
- 11 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
- 14 mins - Why would anyone name a dead planet "Eden?"
- 27 mins - Pay attention to the letters being spoken; they are intended to be funny. (You will not thank me.)
- 36 mins - This man must have a doctorate in common sense.
- 42 mins - Somebody explain to me why we needed to see that.
- 51 mins - Proof positive that you can get gonorrhea of the tongue.
- 56 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT! (Not that this is unusual for Julie Strain.)
- 62 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A LIZARDMAN!
- 69 mins - He could have at least wiped out the inside with bleach before putting it on his face.
| ||Audio clips in wav format||SOUNDS||Starving actors speak out|| |
||Zeek rambles on about the Arakacians and the key to the Chamber of Immortality.
||Julie: "What are you, socially deprived?" |
Germain: "I'm not socially deprived! Well, maybe a little."
||Zeek: "Uh, master, he's the one with the key, isn't he?" |
Odin: "Yes and he's far too powerful for us to deal with alone."
Julie: "Leave that to me."
Odin: "Julie, you are too impulsive! Please, think about this."
||Tyler: "What do you mean, you can't find them? How do you lose a six foot bitch with a talk rock? Huh?"
|Theme Song|| Listen to a clip from the soundtrack. |
| ||Click for a larger image||IMAGES||Scenes from the movie|| |
| ||Watch a scene||VIDEO||MPEG video files|| |
|Julie ambushed Tyler in this seedy space bar, but she did not know about his regenerative powers. The vengeful woman is surprised when he stands back up and starts shooting. This causes pretty much everybody in the bar to get involved in the gun battle.
| ||Leave a comment||EXTRAS||Buy the movie|| |
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