|Copyright 1997 Full Moon Pictures
| Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'
- Kantor - Private detective with a hatred of firearms.
- Sheila - Personal assistant to Lorca, you will usually find her sitting cross-legged on something, like a table or pedestal, while wearing only a miniskirt and open vest. I'm in love.
- Dr. Lorca - Crackpot who inherited a small fortune, so what does he do with it? Buys a castle and starts stocking the place with genetic freaks of every shape imaginable. Falls into an acid bath.
- Napoleon Lazar - Mel Johnson Jr.! (you remember, he's got five kids to feed) Rival to Lorca, he is a trite man and evidently a novice at collecting nasty fetus things. Takes his first and last acid bath.
- Belinda Yost - Could this woman smoke any more? The national emphysema foundation loses a valuable poster child when she dies.
- Elvina - Girls like this give dumb blondes a bad name. Thank goodness she takes a dive onto shattered glass.
- The Biological Oddities - Freaks and mutant babies! Brought to life by the latest addition to Dr. Lorca's collection, a strange thing with multiple eyes and mouths.
|"Home Alone," except you have to replace Macaulay Culkin with a group of half formed fetuses. Being the disgusting things they are you can expect the hapless objects of their ire to meet with grisly ends. Let us just say that this film has a very high "Ewwwwwww" factor.
Apparently the foul business of maintaining waste treatment plants has a black market sideshow attached, the workers find other things in addition to cash and diamond rings suspended in the muck. Deformed human fetuses are the prized finds, fetching an envelope of cash from Belinda Yost. She in turn milks eccentric collectors who will pay thousands of dollars for a head with arms and legs sticking out of it. I imagine these people look down on lowly veterinarians and the strange things they keep in preservative fluid, since you can't tell me you have not run into a vet with a two-headed kitten on their desk before. Great discussion piece, but can you imagine someone wanting a human baby like that? Ewwwwwww again.
Belinda's two best customers are Lorca and Lazar, she has been cheating the good doctor out of a coveted (and expensively purchased) "first look" agreement lately. Kantor becomes involved when Sheila steals the crowning deformed toilet monster of them all from Lazar. The collector's pastime obviously throws him for a loop, but retainer fees pay the rent, so it's off to Lorca's castle we go.
Unfortunately for most of our cast the latest freak thing isn't dead and it imparts life into the other deformed creatures! Believing that one of his uninvited guests stole the biological oddities Lorca seals the castle with automatic door and window shutters. If there is one thing in the world not to alarm, it is a mutant that has spent it's entire life floating in shit or preservative. The remainder of the film is spent with people dying off as expected, but it never drags and the ending is rather abrupt in all honesty. Do not watch this film looking for exceptional gore, you can expect a wild premise and cliche' characters played almost to perfection.
|Things I Learned From This Movie:
- You don't want the job of skimming mutant embryos out of raw sewage.
- Rich people have some freaky hobbies.
- The northeast U.S. is littered with dangerous quicksand pits.
- Pistols are a form of higher math.
- Mutant fetuses should not be compared to a tasty chocolate-covered snack.
- Never sit on something that appears to be related to a porcupine.
- Falling twenty feet onto glass shards is bad.
- Perhaps having a trapdoor acid bath in your study is not a good idea.
- 3 mins - You gave your fiancee' an engagement ring fished out of liquid crap?
- 16 mins - No reason for Sheila to state "will comply" in her radio transmission.
- 17 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
- 17 mins - One of the greatest moments in film! A hard bodied girl wearing only a gorilla mask, leather miniskirt, and boots is outside during winter. This movie touched me, I think I'm going to cry.
- 28 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A DITZ!
- 29 mins - What about this is supposed to make me despise her?
- 38 mins - I think Lorca means the phrase figuratively, if not we would hear screaming.
- 52 mins - So that is what beating your fist against solid rock sounds like.
- 75 mins - Earlier a warning signal sounded when the trapdoor was activated, of course now that would ruin the scene.
- 78 mins - A convertible with the top down in winter, are you some sort of psycho?
|Audio clips in wav format
|Starving actors speak out
|Kantor discussing the "collecting freaks in bottles" hobby with Lazar and Belinda.
|Belinda: "And I put up with your typing for three years 'cause I thought you were too stupid to stab me in the back? You're fired! You're fired from everywhere! You're fired from the f***king universe!"
|Elvina: "Well shoot, I don't want to go to jail, there are lesbians there."
Sheila: "I always thought that was one of the advantages."
|Lorca: "I sir, am a gourmet of the unusual. You are nothing more than... ...a gourmand!"
Lazar: "I have the most complete collection of..."
Lorca: "Of biological trash!"
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|Belinda learns not to sit on porcupine babies.
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