Hundra B-Movie Review

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HUNDRA -

Rated R

Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 20 April 2007

The Characters:

Please bear with me on the names. Many of them are a nearly impossible mash of syllables, the end credits are difficult to read, and the DVD lacks subtitles. The people who put together the DVD probably thought about adding subtitles, but then realized how frustrating that might be; so they passed it on to me. Thanks. Thanks a heap!
Hundra - The female barbarian! Last survivor of the Femigoth civilization and third handmaiden of Freyja. She is an ancestor to both Mary Pitcher and Susan B. Anthony. (Didn't know those two were related, did you?)
Beast - This is Hundra's faithful canine companion. He is, unfortunately, male.
Pateray - The city healer is taken aback when Hundra first crashes through his roof and demands that he make a baby in her, but the idea grows on him.
Cracima - She teaches all of the new virgins how to be refined, dignified, and elegantly groomed women, because the only thing a barbarian hates more than his mother-in-law is a woman with more hair than him (which is often his mother-in-law).
Chrysula - The feminist version of Gandhi. She craves seat cushions and prune juice.
The Flatulent Barbarian - Apparently, some women might not find him dead sexy.
Nepakin - High priest of the Bull Empire. His personal idiosyncrasy is compulsive hand washing whenever he feels dirty. Since this is the dark ages, it is not surprising that he keeps a basin nearby at all times. Smothered by a virgin's butt (yes, I promise to explain).
Rothrar - The temple's chamberlain; he is more feminine than most of the females in this movie. Slain by Cracima.
All Men - Creatures that often exhibit bad habits unthought-of below the level of primate.

The Plot:

Hundra is the most proficient warrior in her village, which is a society comprised entirely of women. The Femigoths dwell in a snowy forest, though they are forced to be nomadic to avoid discovery by warlike tribes of men. After the women reach child bearing age, they go into the world of men and make it until they are with child. They then return to the tribe to give birth. Girl babies are raised as part of the tribe, but boys are taken back to the lands of man-dominated kingdoms and given away.

Actually, it would have been more amusing if male babies were taken from the birthing tent and dropped unceremoniously into the river. **Kerplop** It is that kind of movie.

One day, while Hundra is away, warriors from a realm that worships the bull find and pillage Hundra's village. There are lots of scenes of women fighting, then being sliced open across the stomach or impaled while carrying a younger girl on their back. The evil men appear to only rape one girl, who was Hundra's younger sister. I guess they kill her afterwards, because she just disappears after we see the rape start.

If you did not notice, whoever wrote this script might hate men. The view is so skewed as to be funny, but I do not think that the person who wrote it was joking.

When she returns and finds the destruction, Hundra is attacked by sixteen of the male raiders. She leads them on a long chase before laying an ambush. The warrior woman kills them with arrows, thrown daggers, and finally finishes the last of them with her sword. She then sets about checking the bodies for useful items. What does she find? A turkey leg, which she eats, despite pulling it from the filthy pouch of a dead raider.

Our blonde heroine then goes to visit the feminist version of Gandhi, who sits on a throne in a desert valley guarded by "Braveheart" midgets (Wow!) and appears to be terminally constipated. The old crone tells Hundra that she must get pregnant to save the tribe from extinction. Hundra departs, but has to fight a mounted midget on her way out and is wounded during the confrontation.

Both Hundra's dog, Beast, and her horse are very well-trained. During the movie, there are several times that Hundra jumps off of the horse. When that happens, Beast immediately picks up the reins and takes charge of the other animal. There was also a rough-looking fall during the battle with the midget. Afterwards, the horse limps and staggers. Hundra, who is bleeding from a wound on her leg, urges her steed to plunge into the ocean. There, woman and horse frolic in the surf and emerge rejuvenated.

While riding through the water, Hundra is completely devoid of clothes. Look, if I knew that riding a horse bareback and bare naked could magically heal a woman, I would have been a doctor.

When Chrysula instructed Hundra to find a man to breed with, she suggested a member of the bull-worshipping civilization. The logic of this is that they are fierce and more likely to desire sex. These women have absolutely no understanding of men! If Hundra stumbled across a village of buck-toothed geeks that spent their days knitting sweaters, I would imagine that she would leave pregnant. To get back on track, she finds a bull-worshipping barbarian. He is a sexy dude, let me tell you. If the script does not have him farting, then he is belching and trying to keep all of his food or drink in his mouth. He starts to mount Hundra doggy-style, but hurts her (I think he bites her on the buttocks) and she beats him senseless.

In case you were wondering, Hundra is now sporting the latest fashion for female barbarians. That means a leather bikini with metal studs on it and boots. I have been waiting twenty years for that to be in style. Freaking bell-bottoms came back into style after twenty years; why not leather barbarian queen bikinis? Are you idiot fashion designers listening to me? I have seen a woman with a stuffed bird on her head and an upside-down umbrella around her waist! Is a leather bikini that much of a stretch?

Yes, I am bitter.

Still on a man hunt (I did not realize that we were that difficult to find), the female warrior enters the walled city that is the center of the bull civilization. She immediately gets into trouble with the guards. Though the pitiful men are no match for Hundra, she finds out that gravity is a harsh mistress. The cocky woman loses her balances and falls from the wall, crashing through Pateray's roof and landing on his bed. He is concerned about his new guest's condition, until she threatens him with a brace of daggers and demands that he make a baby inside her. Understandably, his reaction is, "What, now?" Hundra will not let the matter drop immediately, but vows that the hunky healer will be her baby batter supplier.

Leaving the healer's home is not as simple as it sounds, because a contingent of guards is waiting outside. That is exactly what Hundra expected. She wants to be captured. It allows her to bide her time, so that Pateray can move past, "I have to fix the roof." to "She wants to have sex with me!"

The tribal chieftains gather in the walled city at regular intervals as guests in the temple. There they are treated to food, wine, and a steady supply of carefully trained virgins that cater to their every desire. It is for that purpose that Nepakin ordered Hundra be captured. She is proud, strong, and beautiful. Taming her will please the chieftains and strengthen their allegiance to the Cult of the Bull.

In reality, it appears the virgins are used as gifts for generous donors. Public television does the same thing during their pledge drives, but substitutes coffee mugs and sweatshirts for virgins. Somehow, I think that must be less effective.

The problem with grooming Hundra to be the perfect little virgin is that she is, well, Hundra. Insolent, headstrong, and dangerous, the female barbarian tests Cracima's patience on many occasions. Her sharp tongue only adds to the problem; she insists on directly insulting the high priest and Rothrar. Nepakin spends a lot of time washing his hands to clean away the taint of speaking with such a creature, while Rothrar probably wonders how a woman could be born with such a filthy mouth. A veiled threat against Cracima's son finally yields results. Not the kind that the men had in mind. Yes, Hundra does shape up, but she also teaches Cracima the ways of the warrior. The two women are only biding their time.

Of course women's mouths are filthy places. That is why I only kiss them on the forehead.

The mutual bond between Hundra and Cracima allows our heroine to sneak out at night to visit Pateray. She might hate men, but Hundra loves Pateray. She loves having sex with him even more. Within a short period of time, she is knocked up. The female slave's delicate condition is hidden from the high priest (at least, so they think) and she delivers a baby girl late one night. Unfortunately, Nepakin and Rothrar have known all along. They kidnap the child and use the threat of death against her baby to force Hundra to submit herself to the assembled chieftains. Cracima's son is also taken hostage.

One major miscalculation spells doom for the Bull Cult (chauvinist pigs spell doom "empowered woman") when Cracima fights her way through both a guard and Rothrar to rescue the children. With Pateray, she bursts into the temple just before Hundra finds out the true meaning of the phrase "multiple partners." Hundra's lover hurls her sword to her, giving the indignant mother barbarian a tool with which to exact vengeance for her massacred friends and family. Hundra fights for the freedom of all women against the gathered chieftains. Lots of swelling "this is an epic battle" music ensues. She, of course, chops them to pieces. Meanwhile, Nepakin is killed by a horde of slightly used temple virgins. They hold him down and one plump concubine sits on his face until he smothers!

I do not care if the female slaves are given Brazilian waxes, bathe twice a day, and anoint their bodies with softening oils; I do not want my last moments on Earth to involve my nose between some woman's butt cheeks. Especially not if she has spent all day servicing barbarian chieftains.

Hey, look at that. A mob of torch-wielding feminists is in front of my house. I wonder what they could want.

Things I Learned From This Movie:

Feminists do not believe in episiotomies.
Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, but avoid men completely.
A hug is not always a friendly gesture.
Midgets have terrible depth perception.
Neosporin is nothing more than concentrated seawater and estrogen.
Falling off of buildings was a lot safer in the old days.
Maintaining an erection while some crazy blonde barbarian woman throws knives at you can be a challenge.
Silverware was invented by men for the sole purpose of annoying women.
Girls, we are lying when we tell you that childbirth makes you look beautiful.

Stuff To Watch For:

2 mins - Did she just make a sexist remark to her dog?
6 mins - I think that a couple of geese may have been harmed in the making of this movie...
9 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A TENT!
14 mins - Time for the opening credits. Yep, fourteen minutes into the film.
31 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
38 mins - See, I wait until the second date for this sort of thing.
44 mins - The soldiers are wearing pots on their heads.
51 mins - What did this director have against waterfowl?
60 mins - Is this supposed to be college?
62 mins - A gong! It must be college!
67 mins - No, too Phyllis Diller...
100 mins - Shania Twain's music videos just keep getting stranger and stranger.

Quotes:

Chrysula: "Many of our women preferred to bear arms, rather than children. The champion of these was..."
Hundra's Mom: "Hundra!"
Rothrar: "Why haven't you done it?"
Hundra: "Because it is not my choice."
Rothrar: "Your choice was made when you were thrown from your b***h as a female. The outcome of that is that you are to serve men."
Hundra: "I serve no one."
Nepakin: "Silence!"

Audio clips in wav format

SOUNDS

Starving actors speak out

	File	Dialog
	hundra1.wav	Hundra and a raider scream at each other.
	hundra2.wav	Chrysula: "We have use of men, through their use of us, for that." Hundra: "No man will ever penetrate my body, with sword or himself."
	hundra3.wav	Rothrar: "Why were you late?" Guard: "We were interfered with, by a woman." Nepakin: "What manner of female fool would meddle in men's affairs?" Rothrar: "Yes, women may be inherently ignorant, but not totally stupid - in most instances."
	hundra4.wav	Nepakin: "Praise the bull!" Chieftains: "Praise the bull!"
	Theme Song	Listen to a clip from the soundtrack.

Click for a larger image

IMAGES

Scenes from the movie

Watch a scene

VIDEO

MPEG video files

	hundra1.mpg - 4.5m
	Hundra takes on the male horde with bow, daggers, and whatever else she can lay her hands on. The custom of screaming at each other is one rigidly observed throughout the film.