|JESUS CHRIST VAMPIRE HUNTER
|Copyright 2001 Odessa Filmworks
| Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 17 June 2002
- Jesus Christ - If there is one thing that the Son of God is good at, it is banishing vampires.
- Mary Magnum - Her motorcycle outfit is one of the wonders of the modern world.
- El Santos - The Mexican superhero wrestler! Obviously he earned his small plane certification at some point.
- Gloria Oddbottom - Santos' assistant (or something). She gets her butt squeezed; a lot.
- Father Alban - He has one of the more extreme hairstyles ever attributed to a priest. Munched.
- Dr. Praetorious - Pioneer in the art of grafting lesbian skin onto vampires to protect them from sunlight. Christ pays him a visit.
- Johnny Golgotha - Before becoming a vampire he used to work for Domino's Pizza. Turned to ash.
- Maxine Shreck - The head female vampire, a royal pain in the neck. Hahaha! Ahhh! No hit! No hit!
- Father Eustace - Looks like the man who played Christ in Madonna's "Like a Prayer" video, but in this movie he is a vampire. Could Madonna be one of the erotic undead? It would explain a lot of things. Turned to ash.
|It is best that you find out early on: this movie is bizarre. The title alone should warn you that it is going to be different, but there is no way to anticipate El Santos, lesbians, or the scary guy in the hedge. The latter is a wild-eyed fellow who appears randomly to spout frightening insights into Christianity. It is a weird film, so shall we?
Maxine satisfies her bloody desires by killing a housekeeping girl in the early hours of the morning. Following that, the vampiress takes her victim's car and blithely drives into the dawn. I was trying to figure out if the window tinting was giving her immunity to the sun, or maybe the sunglasses. Later on we discover the reason, making a great deal of effort on my part meaningless and boy, was I way off the mark.
The two priests, Father Eustace and Father Alban, discuss the dwindling congregation with concern. They finally decide that Alban will take a church scooter and ask Jesus Christ for help. They find the Saviour at the beach where he drinks lemonade, baptizes the faithful, and compares the coming kingdom to a sandcastle. Suddenly, Maxine and two female vamps attack! Father Alban and another priest are killed by Maxine, but Jesus dispatches the other two bloodsuckers with little problem. The vampiress beats feet to fight another day, but her visit convinces Jesus that his vacation is over; it's time to visit the city.
Off topic, but I am a little worried about the use of a sandcastle to portray what is in store for mankind. My experience is that, if not destroyed by playing children, the structures usually fall prey to high tide. There is an unfortunate precedent involving water in the Old Testament...
After getting a haircut (I wonder if dad yelled at him about "looking like a hippie"), Jesus checks into an apartment provided by the church. He is carrying firewood home, to carve into stakes, when a jeep pulls up and the Son of God is attacked again. No, not by vampires. Over thirty atheists pour out of the jeep to surround our hero. Hey! Clowns must be atheists! Anyway, faced with very real proof of a divine force, who appears to have trained at Shaolin, the atheists get their butts whooped. Disbelieve my crane style, if you can!
The pace picks up when Mary joins the effort. While finding some less conspicuous clothing for Christ they see Maxine and follow her back to a hospital. Dr. Praetorious is there, grafting the skin from slaughtered lesbians onto a comatose vampire. He also smears bits of this and that on his face while working. (The filmmakers did not have the money to create little people, so Praetorious basting himself with blood substitutes to prove that he is a mad egomaniac.)
Jesus and Mary give chase to Maxine and Johnny after the two vampires feast on a number of lesbians. The rooftop battle is a little anticlimactic and results in a solid loss for the good guys. The last thing that Jesus sees before passing out is Maxine crouched over Mary's inert body, drinking her lifeblood. Plenty of crunching and munching accompanies anyone being drained. This time is no exception; it sounds like a crab being eaten with the shell on.
Now things get really weird, as God summons Santos to help Jesus fight the vampires. The star of Mexican wrestling is accompanied by theme music when his private plane lands at the airport. The two chat amiably, then visit a nightclub. Christ takes the stage to perform and happens to glance in the mirror. Only Santos and Gloria appear! The club is filled with vampires! During the fight Santos is put to sleep by Maxine's magical powder, meaning that Jesus has no choice; he surrenders himself to the unholy defilers.
Johnny Golgotha decides that the best way to dispose of the Son of God is by dismemberment. With his arms tied to one car's axle and his legs bound to another, I'm certain that Jesus was unhappy about the looming possibility of yet another gruesome and painful death. Luckily, Santos breaks free and unties his divine friend. Now the final battle can take place, complete with a tag team of female vampire wrestlers! Father Eustace and Mary Magnum, also vampires, take part too.
When the smoke clears, Jesus stands triumphant above several piles of play sand. Mary, Maxine, and a lesbian that Santos fell for, are all cured of their undead curse. It does not look like a happy ending for the silver mask, but, upon being asked, the girl he is with says, "No, I'm bi." Santos throws his fists into the air and cheers, while Jesus cringes away from all the passionate kissing (straight and... ...ah... ...not so straight) going on.
|Things I Learned From This Movie:|| |
- Jesus is a stalker.
- Christ has powerful kung fu and even a special style.
- Vampires cannot swim.
- Thirty-six people can fit into a jeep.
- The Son of God has to be careful about what T-shirt he wears.
- Christ is not as good at playing "mercy" as you would expect.
- Drum sticks, canes, crutches, and even toothpicks are lethal to vampires.
- Rasputin was born again and eventually became an evangelist.
- Dodging intestines is a heck of a way to spend an afternoon.
- 10 mins - Father Alban is being shipped via UPS: the United Parsons Service.
- 9 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A SANDCASTLE!
- 12 mins - A song and dance number? You have to be kidding!
- 22 mins - She obviously learned her fighting style by playing Tekken. Hello Jun.
- 26 mins - I wonder if he is circumcised. (Okay, for that I'm probably going to Hell.)
- 43 mins - That would be a man. Yikes!
- 46 mins - God is talking to him through a bowel of ice cream and cherries.
- 57 mins - Now a plastic Mary is addressing Jesus.
- 57 mins - Kidney punches? Ouch! Ouch! No more puns this review. I promise.
- 76 mins - His number is 1-800-SAVIOUR.
- Alban: "You see, my Lord, you are the only one who can stem the spread of this contagion. If these leeches prevail the faithful need no longer fear going to Hell."
Priest: "For Hell will come to us."
| ||Audio clips in wav format||SOUNDS||Starving actors speak out|| |
||Atheist Woman: "Hello Jesus. You don't know us because we've never talked to you before. We are the atheists." |
Guy Atheist: "Look Jesus, we're taking your second coming ass down!"
||Mary: "Walking around in this thing is not exactly inconspicuous. You might as well be wearing a halo. I think we should get you some new clothes."
||Praetorious: "We're running low on skin. I suggest we harvest another lesbian."
||Santos: "My old manager. Don't let this gringo con you, Jesus. He'll have you wrestling midgets in border towns for ten percent of the net."
|Theme Song|| Listen to a clip from the soundtrack. |
| ||Click for a larger image||IMAGES||Scenes from the movie|| |
| ||Watch a scene||VIDEO||MPEG video files|| |
|Time for some holy kung fu as Jesus faces off against the atheists. Notice how the Saviour throws his hands up in frustration when yet another group appears. |
A reminder: all of these people are issuing from the same jeep.
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