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Not Rated
Copyright 2001 Odessa Filmworks
Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 17 June 2002

The Characters:  

  • Jesus Christ - If there is one thing that the Son of God is good at, it is banishing vampires.
  • Mary Magnum - Her motorcycle outfit is one of the wonders of the modern world.
  • El Santos - The Mexican superhero wrestler! Obviously he earned his small plane certification at some point.
  • Gloria Oddbottom - Santos' assistant (or something). She gets her butt squeezed; a lot.
  • Father Alban - He has one of the more extreme hairstyles ever attributed to a priest. Munched.
  • Dr. Praetorious - Pioneer in the art of grafting lesbian skin onto vampires to protect them from sunlight. Christ pays him a visit.
  • Johnny Golgotha - Before becoming a vampire he used to work for Domino's Pizza. Turned to ash.
  • Maxine Shreck - The head female vampire, a royal pain in the neck. Hahaha! Ahhh! No hit! No hit!
  • Father Eustace - Looks like the man who played Christ in Madonna's "Like a Prayer" video, but in this movie he is a vampire. Could Madonna be one of the erotic undead? It would explain a lot of things. Turned to ash.

Buy It!

The Plot: 

It is best that you find out early on: this movie is bizarre. The title alone should warn you that it is going to be different, but there is no way to anticipate El Santos, lesbians, or the scary guy in the hedge. The latter is a wild-eyed fellow who appears randomly to spout frightening insights into Christianity. It is a weird film, so shall we?

Maxine satisfies her bloody desires by killing a housekeeping girl in the early hours of the morning. Following that, the vampiress takes her victim's car and blithely drives into the dawn. I was trying to figure out if the window tinting was giving her immunity to the sun, or maybe the sunglasses. Later on we discover the reason, making a great deal of effort on my part meaningless and boy, was I way off the mark.

The two priests, Father Eustace and Father Alban, discuss the dwindling congregation with concern. They finally decide that Alban will take a church scooter and ask Jesus Christ for help. They find the Saviour at the beach where he drinks lemonade, baptizes the faithful, and compares the coming kingdom to a sandcastle. Suddenly, Maxine and two female vamps attack! Father Alban and another priest are killed by Maxine, but Jesus dispatches the other two bloodsuckers with little problem. The vampiress beats feet to fight another day, but her visit convinces Jesus that his vacation is over; it's time to visit the city.

Off topic, but I am a little worried about the use of a sandcastle to portray what is in store for mankind. My experience is that, if not destroyed by playing children, the structures usually fall prey to high tide. There is an unfortunate precedent involving water in the Old Testament...

After getting a haircut (I wonder if dad yelled at him about "looking like a hippie"), Jesus checks into an apartment provided by the church. He is carrying firewood home, to carve into stakes, when a jeep pulls up and the Son of God is attacked again. No, not by vampires. Over thirty atheists pour out of the jeep to surround our hero. Hey! Clowns must be atheists! Anyway, faced with very real proof of a divine force, who appears to have trained at Shaolin, the atheists get their butts whooped. Disbelieve my crane style, if you can!

The pace picks up when Mary joins the effort. While finding some less conspicuous clothing for Christ they see Maxine and follow her back to a hospital. Dr. Praetorious is there, grafting the skin from slaughtered lesbians onto a comatose vampire. He also smears bits of this and that on his face while working. (The filmmakers did not have the money to create little people, so Praetorious basting himself with blood substitutes to prove that he is a mad egomaniac.)

Jesus and Mary give chase to Maxine and Johnny after the two vampires feast on a number of lesbians. The rooftop battle is a little anticlimactic and results in a solid loss for the good guys. The last thing that Jesus sees before passing out is Maxine crouched over Mary's inert body, drinking her lifeblood. Plenty of crunching and munching accompanies anyone being drained. This time is no exception; it sounds like a crab being eaten with the shell on.

Now things get really weird, as God summons Santos to help Jesus fight the vampires. The star of Mexican wrestling is accompanied by theme music when his private plane lands at the airport. The two chat amiably, then visit a nightclub. Christ takes the stage to perform and happens to glance in the mirror. Only Santos and Gloria appear! The club is filled with vampires! During the fight Santos is put to sleep by Maxine's magical powder, meaning that Jesus has no choice; he surrenders himself to the unholy defilers.

Johnny Golgotha decides that the best way to dispose of the Son of God is by dismemberment. With his arms tied to one car's axle and his legs bound to another, I'm certain that Jesus was unhappy about the looming possibility of yet another gruesome and painful death. Luckily, Santos breaks free and unties his divine friend. Now the final battle can take place, complete with a tag team of female vampire wrestlers! Father Eustace and Mary Magnum, also vampires, take part too.

When the smoke clears, Jesus stands triumphant above several piles of play sand. Mary, Maxine, and a lesbian that Santos fell for, are all cured of their undead curse. It does not look like a happy ending for the silver mask, but, upon being asked, the girl he is with says, "No, I'm bi." Santos throws his fists into the air and cheers, while Jesus cringes away from all the passionate kissing (straight and... ...ah... ...not so straight) going on.

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • Jesus is a stalker.
  • Christ has powerful kung fu and even a special style.
  • Vampires cannot swim.
  • Thirty-six people can fit into a jeep.
  • The Son of God has to be careful about what T-shirt he wears.
  • Christ is not as good at playing "mercy" as you would expect.
  • Drum sticks, canes, crutches, and even toothpicks are lethal to vampires.
  • Rasputin was born again and eventually became an evangelist.
  • Dodging intestines is a heck of a way to spend an afternoon.

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • 10 mins - Father Alban is being shipped via UPS: the United Parsons Service.
  • 12 mins - A song and dance number? You have to be kidding!
  • 22 mins - She obviously learned her fighting style by playing Tekken. Hello Jun.
  • 26 mins - I wonder if he is circumcised. (Okay, for that I'm probably going to Hell.)
  • 43 mins - That would be a man. Yikes!
  • 46 mins - God is talking to him through a bowel of ice cream and cherries.
  • 57 mins - Now a plastic Mary is addressing Jesus.
  • 57 mins - Kidney punches? Ouch! Ouch! No more puns this review. I promise.
  • 76 mins - His number is 1-800-SAVIOUR.


  • Alban: "You see, my Lord, you are the only one who can stem the spread of this contagion. If these leeches prevail the faithful need no longer fear going to Hell."
    Priest: "For Hell will come to us."

 Audio clips in wav formatSOUNDSStarving actors speak out 

Green Music Note jesusvamp1.wav Atheist Woman: "Hello Jesus. You don't know us because we've never talked to you before. We are the atheists."
Guy Atheist: "Look Jesus, we're taking your second coming ass down!"
Green Music Note jesusvamp2.wav Mary: "Walking around in this thing is not exactly inconspicuous. You might as well be wearing a halo. I think we should get you some new clothes."
Green Music Note jesusvamp3.wav Praetorious: "We're running low on skin. I suggest we harvest another lesbian."
Green Music Note jesusvamp4.wav Santos: "My old manager. Don't let this gringo con you, Jesus. He'll have you wrestling midgets in border towns for ten percent of the net."
Green Music NoteTheme Song Listen to a clip from the soundtrack.

 Click for a larger imageIMAGESScenes from the movie 


 Watch a sceneVIDEOMPEG video files 

Video Clipjesusvamp1.mpg - 2.2m
Time for some holy kung fu as Jesus faces off against the atheists. Notice how the Saviour throws his hands up in frustration when yet another group appears.

A reminder: all of these people are issuing from the same jeep.

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Comments:Write CommentPages: 1 2 [3] 4 5 ... 8
Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter
Reply #17. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Jason
this is one of the best movies i have ever seen. i saw it the last day it was playing at The Mayfare in ottawa, and was hooked on it.
the movie is on DVD, and as far as i know it's available at Record Runner in Ottawa.
and yes, it has audio commentary
Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter
Reply #18. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by mookey
Great show!  And BTW, the vampires may be able to swim - but the priests blessed the lake.  So it was suddenly holy water.

freakin brilliant.

And it's $20 cdn on VHS, that's what I've got it on....
Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter
Reply #19. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Empereur GHOULE
Sorry to disappoint you guys and gals, but this movie really sucks.

I want my fourteen canadian bucks (I paid for my friend and I) back!!!!

No, seriously, how could you :

- Make Jesus have a haircut AFTER ONLY 10 MINUTES!?!!?! The only things which history left us about the man is it's own bearded and long-haired image!!?!?!!? Without that, he is nothing BUT AN ORDINARY CRAPPY GUY!??!!?

- Not respect the synopsis. There was no Final Judgement Day. There was no "once the vampires are killed, we will all live in Heaven" funny thing like this. Everything happened like NOBODY cared.

- [BADLY] Post-synchronize all of the voices?!?!?! It's awful.

- Edit 85 minutes of a scenario helding no more than 15 minutes of content? You really stretched most of the scenes too far. Make a short movie of it and I will say : GREAT! A long feature only drags on and on.

And my negative comments could go on and on too. Seriously, I think it's sad such a great idea could have been
destroyed only because of incredibly bad decision making.
I know JCVH ghouls and gals worked hard on this project, but you know, sometimes, it's NOT a good idea to DIRECT and EDIT your movie.

The director really should make another version with an editor able to distance itself from the shooting and the images themselves.

It can really be done better than this.
Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter
Reply #20. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Some Guy
I now have the pleasure of owning this on DVD.  I've been waiting a while to see it, and I must say it's everything I expected it to be (except the dubbed voices, but that just adds to it)  I mean, hell, it's better than the Star Wars Holiday Special.  It was once referred to as an instant cult classic -  I agree, if not for the Juses Kung Fu, then God as a bowl of Ice Cream
Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter
Reply #21. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Matthew
NO!!!  This is the worst movie ever.  I have to now go buy it for my friend, the B movie buff.  I don't even think the sound, plot, or acting is good enough for a B rating.  It's definityly an F.  Completely laughable.  
Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter
Reply #22. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Pyle
This is one of the funniest movies i've seen.  Everyone should buy it.  You can get it on amazon for like 10 bucks.
Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter
Reply #23. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Mr. Peabody
I literally had to turn this movie off at minute #30. Not because it's bad, which it is, but because I was laughing so hard I could not funtion as a human being. I couldn't eat, talk, or even breathe. Desperately, I want to watch the rest of it, but I need about two hours to pause for fits of laughter.
Everything that has been written above is true, and then some. Horrible script, acting, wardrobe, editing, it's all there. The audio sounds like it's dubbed in English, from English, but it's about 1/2 second out of sync and the exact wording doesn't match. It's got the 80's-style makeover sequence of Jesus. It's got stop-motion violence like the Benny Hill Show. A mohawked priest riding shotgun on a moped. And the spinning cross that sings "Jeeeeesus" between scenes, oh don't even get me started on that. Dear Lord, this movie is so absolutely putrid it has come full-circle and is now a 'Work of Art' in my book. It is the funniest thing I have ever seen.

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter
Reply #24. Posted on May 07, 2004, 10:59:36 AM by DConnor
...There are no words. *weeps for joy*
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