MICROWAVE MASSACRE
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| Rated R
| | Copyright 1983 Reel Life Productions
| | Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 3 May 2008 (updated)
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- Donald - Jackie Vernon! Just your average guy who kills women, microwaves the meat, and chows down. Oh, and he sounds like Frosty the Snowman. Unfortunately, his pacemaker fails and he becomes just another dead cannibal gourmet.
- May - Donald's wife; she insisted on cooking all sorts of unorthodox meals until the Peruvian paté finally drove her husband over the edge. Killed, chopped up, and eaten.
- Philip - A black man with no rhythm, but quite a taste in women. One of Donald's fellow construction workers.
- Roosevelt - Another construction worker; he's the "stringy and goofy" type.
- Dee Dee Dee - That's a correct spelling (her mom had a stutter). She is a hooker who is killed and eaten by Donald.
- Sam - Owner of the local bar. He hates listening to his customers' sob stories. It might be time to find another business, Sam. Drunks love to talk to people, and your job as bartender means that you are fated to encounter lots of morose drunks.
- Chick - The moment I saw her wearing that chicken outfit I started laughing. "Girl, you are screwed!" Eaten.
- Susie Grubb - She was looking to get laid, but ends up filleted.
- Knothole Girl - We rarely see her face. There are these two large things...on her chest...that sway...back and forth, and...I feel...like I...am being...hypnotized. Pretty, pretty...bouncy bounce... (uncontrolled drooling).
- Evelyn - May's sister. Ugly must run in the family.
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This films starts with a stroke of genius. A large-chested girl walks down the street to the sound of heavy grooving music. At least, I think it must be a girl. All that I can see are those meaty melons swaying back and forth inside of a red shirt. Bounce - bounce - bounce. After a minute, the camera zooms out and we do see that the breasts are attached to a girl, and she is strutting her way down the road past a construction site. What a way to start a movie.
I was relieved that the breasts were attached to a girl. One of these days, I am going to encounter a big pair of breasts diddy-bopping down the street without a girl attached and it's probably going to freak me out.
The real focus of this movie (must...forget...the breasts) is sitting on his butt at the aforementioned construction site, contemplating his sandwich. Donald is not a happy fellow. He loves red-blooded American construction worker food: bologna with cheese on white bread, picked chicken with mayonnaise on wheat, or roast beef on rye. His wife insists on fixing the culinary equivalent of Frankenstein's monster every day for his chow. Today, Donald has what appears to be a whole Dungeness crab between two hunks of bread. He (Donald) looks distinctly unhappy.
Back at home, the head torturer of cuisine is gloating over her latest purchase. Not content with mutating food the old fashioned way, May bought a brand new microwave. That thing is freaking huge! It is larger than a normal oven! You could fit a whole person into it (I've been known to dabble in foreshadowing). Unfortunately, for Donald's stomach, the microwave does not improve May's cooking at all. The appliance just means that making her God-awful concoctions takes less time. In the hands of the wrong person, new technology is frightening.
Resigned to the fact that his disagreeable wife will not be returning to the staples of middle class meals any time soon, Donald starts raiding the dog food larder. His lunches become a combination of Alpo and kaiser rolls. Well, that sounds just yummy - NOT. These days, dogs and cats seem to get choice meals. I remember canned dog food in 1983. It was, somehow, worse than the most hideous school lunch on record.
Did I ever eat dog food? I was a ten-year-old boy in 1983. Of course I have eaten dog food. You kids and your Xbox games and iPods. When I was young, we played truth or dare. One of the staples of that game is forcing somebody to ingest weird crap. Dog biscuits are not half bad, but canned dog food is nasty stuff. Yes, we also played Stratego and Risk. I do not remember the details of any specific game of Risk. The time I ate canned dog food, I do remember.
Finally, because man cannot live on Alpo alone, Donald gets himself roaring drunk. When he gets home, he tells May exactly what he thinks of her cooking. This involves urinating in the living room, and there is not a urinal in that part of the house. The affronted chef reacts exactly as you might expect of a cantankerous old nag. She dumps a plate of food over her husband's head. Donald strangles May and beats her to death with a large wooden salt shaker; he obviously has some repressed grievances to air. "This is for not frying up hamburgers once in a while! And this is for telling me you would not cook a pot roast! And this is for never making chicken and dumplings!"
My wife makes good chicken and dumplings, and she had better keep it that way. Which reminds me, Katie was supposed to investigate recipes for both gumbo and sweet kassler rippchen. Damn it, woman! I want some pork loin with brown sugar!
Once he sobers up, Donald is horrified by what he has done...at first; then he just shrugs and says, "Oh well." Keeping a dead wife lying around the house is not copasetic (even alive, May would probably scare the guests), so he cuts the body into pieces and stashes the aluminum foil-wrapped chunks in the fridge. That is how Donald accidentally tastes human flesh. Waking in the middle of the night, he rummages for a snack and starts chewing on what is revealed to be part of May. Again, horrified, Donald quickly settles down. "I am eating part of my dead wife! Oh my God! Wait a minute, that's not half bad..."
Thus we get to the meat of the story, which is about Donald picking up women, screwing them, and then committing murder so that he can experiment with different recipes for human flesh. He feeds the various tender vittles to his construction buddies (who don't know what they are eating is more "dear" meat than "deer" meat), and they love it! The men have conversations about all of the recent disappearances while they are chowing down on the latest victim. Talk about deviant black humor.
Eventually, Evelyn comes looking for May. Donald tries to fend off his annoying sister-in-law, but she insists on seeing May. Too bad for Evelyn. Although, Donald does not kill her - probably because he thinks she will taste as bad as she looks. Instead, he gags her with a hunk of bread and ties her up. Well, Evelyn is just as scary looking as her sister, so she gets stuffed into a closet. Occasionally, Donald goes into the closet to get something out. We see Evelyn each time, and the bread in her mouth gets moldier and moldier.
Unfortunately, the cannibal wonder chef has a pacemaker and here he is cooking with a giant microwave. Needless to say, Donald drops dead one night while preparing a snack. Philip and Roosevelt find their friend, along with a microwave full of body parts. That's the problem with being a cannibal. Your friends find out about it after you die.
I will never understand how a man like Donald gets so much play with the ladies, but that is no reason to avoid this movie. You see, Donald is played by Jackie Vernon, who was also the voice of Frosty in the old "Frosty the Snowman" animated movies. The result of this strange casting choice is that we hear Frosty saying things like, "I'm so hungry I could eat a WHORE!" (which is slightly different than "Happy birthday!"). Donald's slow descent into culinary depravity is amusing, even if the movie drags a little at times.
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| Things I Learned From This Movie: | |
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- A three pound crab is rather imposing.
- Food should never match the 1970's faux vinyl furniture.
- Seltzer bottles can be used as fire extinguishers.
- A man's memory is inversely proportional to his wife's beauty.
- If you slave over a microwave all afternoon to cook dinner you are probably doing something wrong.
- Hookers think that everyone's first name is John.
- Two things not to say when picking up a girl: "You're not used to being on your feet." and "You look a lot better in the dark."
- The best treatment for jock itch is rigor mortis.
- Asian women take longer to debone than European women.
- Doctors use syringes as darts.
- Vibrators were invented as a variety of gardening tool.
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- 3 mins - I think that her breasts are caught in the fence. How often does that happen to women?
- 9 mins - Either this is a strip club or else they are shooting an underwear commercial.
- 11 mins - Gah! Didn't need that!
- 21 mins - The number of pedestrians hit by cars seems to increase the nights that Donald goes out drinking. Funny, no?
- 25 mins - Well, I think that we know how the water stain got on the couch.
- 35 mins - May sure was a tough old broad. Get it? Get it?
- 45 mins - The kitchen utensil that most cooks forget they own: the hatchet.
- 50 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT! With frosting! Or is that mayonnaise?
- 53 mins - I would just like to remind everybody that Frosty the Snowman is doing that.
- Ending Credits - Vibrator courtesy of "Sticky Digits." Yikes!
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| | Audio clips in wav format | SOUNDS | Starving actors speak out | |
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| File | Dialog |  | microwavem1.wav
| Sam: "My hemorrhoids - that's why I had to take this job, standing up. Didn't I ever tell you about my hemorrhoids? They get really bad when it's humid, you know."
| | microwavem2.wav
| Donald: "That's what's bothering me. Look at it, will ya? Tell me it doesn't look like something someone already ate three days ago!"
May: "Oh no, don't start that again! It's a delicacy, and it's cheap, and it really helps my food money go far!"
| | microwavem3.wav
| Donald: "You wouldn't happen to have any six-foot cookie sheets, would ya?"
Store Clerk: "No sir, we're fresh out of that popular size."
| | microwavem4.wav
| The guys talk about the recent disappearances of young women while they eat Donald's unique snacks.
| | Theme Song | Listen to a clip from the soundtrack. | |
| | Click for a larger image | IMAGES | Scenes from the movie | |
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| | Watch a scene | VIDEO | MPEG video files | |
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| | Leave a comment | EXTRAS | Buy the movie | |
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