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MONSTER - 1 Slime
Rated R
Copyright 1979 Academy International.
Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'

The Characters:  

  • Pete - Manager of the cement plant, he's a nice guy torn between two women.
  • Bill - Company troubleshooter sent to fix the problems at Pete's plant.
  • Patty Clark - Female reporter, she's just the annoying "stick a mic in your face" kind.
  • Laura - Pete's first girlfriend, not the most attractive girl ever beat with an ugly stick. Slut flavored monster chow...
  • Juanita - Helicopter pilot and Pete's latest girlfriend.
  • Glenn and Andrea - Pair of annoying kids who wander around taking pictures of everything.
  • Priest - John Carradine! (A b-movie legend if there ever was one.) The Greenpeace/Contra religous icon.
  • Mr. Barns-Head honcho for the company, likes to grab tush.
  • Two Drunk Fisherman - If the movie had only been about these guys... ...but they get eaten.
  • Maria Reyes - Widow who watched her husband get killed by the monster years ago, everybody thinks she's a witch.
  • Victor Sanchez - Rebel leader who decides stop the American pig dogs from ruining his town. Blows himself up.
  • The Monster - Some sort of aquatic dinosaur, possibly mutated by pollution, it just looks plain silly. Swallows explosives and blown to kingdom come.


The Plot: 

Usually I like monster movies, even stuff which makes pets leave the room. This, however is terrible. There are far too many characters to keep track of easily and the film quality doesn't help either. It took me two sittings just to puzzle everything out. This means I watched the movie for three hours, I'm not a happy camper.

Let's gloss over the plot shall we? There's a monster, it's eating people. There's a U.S. cement company polluting the lake, they can't get anything done with a monster eating people. There's a widow, she doesn't really matter, but they stuck her in the plot anyway. There's Pete, he's hogging all the breeding females. There's a rebel who wants the cement company gone, he should have read the directions on that pack of explosives first.

Once Bill and Pete figure out they're got an aquatic menace on their hands they take a dead sheep and stuff it full of old dynamite (yes, it's sweating) then drag it around the lake surface via a helicopter. Up comes the monster to feed, it swallows the livestock whole for some reason then starts looking around with the rope/detonator cord hanging out of it's chops. During this Bill loses his grip on the detonator switch and it falls into the lake, that happens so Bill can jump in and show how brave he is by retrieving it.

Ugh. I actually enjoyed the movie for about three minutes, those would be the periods when Mr. Barns or the drunk fishermen appeared. Barns is just one annoyed guy, everything is "damn this" or "to hell with that" while the latter are two inebriated males in a boat. The entertainment value should be obvious there, plus it gave me an idea. Several stiff drinks helped me through the second viewing.

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • Latin American oldies attract monsters.
  • Seeing credits for a choir at the beginning of a horror movie does not bode well.
  • Industry is a tool of Satan!
  • Air traffic controllers the world over communicate in English.
  • If you're trying to break up with a girl don't sleep with her.
  • Drainage pipes are primary targets of terrorists.
  • If people think you're a witch don't keep hay lying around. (Anything they can stack up and burn you at the stake with really.)
  • Plastic explosive is detonated by rocket fuse.
  • If you go fishing for giant monsters better use 16,000lb test line.

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • 6 mins - Hehehe! He just keeps grabbing her ass.
  • 9 mins - Why all the bubbles, does our monster have gas? Hehehe! The dog is running away!
  • 19 mins - Why do I think porn music should be playing?
  • 25 mins - Um, monster, Pete just finished having sex with her, or is this the equivalent of a twinkie? I'm not going to make the obvious cream filled joke.
  • 27 mins - I'd say the cause of death was having her legs bitten off you moron.
  • 45 mins - Okay, it's about time this movie went somewhere. Oh good, drunk Colombian fishermen...
  • 65 mins - Ahhh! There's a face in the radar! Oops, false alarm. Gads I hate this movie...
  • 71 mins - Filmed this part in a pool huh? You can see a shadow on the sides.

 Audio clips in wav formatSOUNDSStarving actors speak out 

FileDialog
Green Music Note monster1.wav Mr. Barns: "That's why I'm sending you to Colombia, put on the next god damned slide..."
Green Music Note monster2.wav Laura: "Poor Pete, one man and two women want him, what a predicament for a man to be in."
Green Music Note monster3.wav Glenn: "You don't believe me do you?"
Bill: "Son, it's kind of hard to believe stories about sharks and monsters and elephants in lakes."
Green Music Note monster4.wav The two drunk fisherman talking.

 Click for a larger imageIMAGESScenes from the movie 

ImageImage


ImageImage


 Watch a sceneVIDEOMPEG video files 

Video Clipmonster1.mpg - 2.8m
Here he is, you waited the entire movie to get a good look at this critter - so are you satisfied? Feel cheated don't you? Join the crowd buddy...

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Comments:Write CommentPages: [1] 2 3
Monster
Reply #1. Posted on September 17, 1999, 10:44:51 AM by paul westbrook
I have a copy of this film at home. Ienjoy bad films on a regular basis. The monster in this film looked phony, like it was an overgrown muppet.Still, for a plotless story, it was enjoyable to watch.I recommend this for a B movie philes everywhere.
Monster
Reply #2. Posted on November 29, 1999, 10:14:48 AM by Paul Westbrook
Are people still admitting they have seen this film?
Monster
Reply #3. Posted on February 23, 2000, 08:39:42 AM by chris koenig
The title is neat, but the film really suffers. Suposidly based on a "true story" that happened in 1971, the story centers around a lake in Chimyo village in South America that is being polluted by a cement plant. The pollution spawns a hideous monster that is convincing as both a puppet and giant prop. The beast is destroyed by a explosion, but their are eggs that the creature laied and they start to hatch. Supposidly co-directed by Herbert L. Strock, he is only listed in the scriptwriting credits and David L. Hewitt is not listed in the film for doing special effects! Plus a promo reel for this was shot in 1975 and advertised Andre Faro for directing the film. But the direction is all done by Kenneth Hartford and his diresction sucks. And we have a bucnch of boring subplots that are not needed. But the monster (who has a mustache on it's upper lips) is convincing and well done. As for the rest, watch this for the monster alone.
Monster
Reply #4. Posted on May 12, 2000, 12:31:21 PM by klarion93@hotmail.com
i have never made it through this monstrosity, although i've tried many times. believe it or not, i actually remember seeing an ad for this on tv when it came out! even more unbelievable is that the ad made it look kind of scary. or maybe i was just young and stupid at the time. i've seen the incredibly strange creatures who stopped living and became mixed up zombies several times, but can't make it through this once. go figure.
Monster
Reply #5. Posted on August 15, 2000, 04:00:04 PM by chris
Has anyone seen a movie called Monster from 1980? It starred Doug McClure and was also known as Humanoids From the Deep
Monster
Reply #6. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Jordan Garren
Yet another b-movie with that's head has been verbally bashed in. I myself being a critic will now defend this childhood favorite! It's not all that bad really, the monster is never fully seen until the end (and yes it is a let down to see the mustacheod monster...hehehehe) which immediately puts this flick at the bottom of everyone's list. Also it tends to drag a lot....but as a child (about 7 or 8 years ago I was physically a child, but I'm still one mentally as most men are) the movie had this aura about it...a mysterious creature terrorizing a small lakeside community! Hell I even thought the monster was the coolest thing ever (until I fully discovered Godzilla). All in all, if you're looking for a movie to bash, this is it...but if you're looking for some clean monster flick fun....watch it.
Monster
Reply #7. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Andrew
No, the box really does say "Columbia" on it.
Monster
Reply #8. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Rob
Heh, there are some things about this movie I liked. The extreme dark of night settings, some decent sound effects as well. The fearsome muppetsaurus is a goofy villain when we finally see him at the end, but during most of the movie he remains a shadowy presence. There's a nighttime attack on a boat of drunken fishermen that is suprisingly frightful and kinda reminiscent of the tracking device scene in Alien.
Ya gotta love aquatic monster flicks because they're too damn fun. Also check out Crater Lake Monster, Legend of Dinosaurs and Monster Birds, and the Loch Ness Horror
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FROM THE BADMOVIES.ORG ARCHIVES
ImageThe Giant Claw - Slime drop

Earth is visited by a GIANT ANTIMATTER SPACE BUZZARD! Gawk at the amazingly bad bird puppet, or chuckle over the silly dialog. This is one of the greatest b-movies ever made.

Lesson Learned:
  • Osmosis: os·mo·sis (oz-mo'sis, os-) n., 1. When a bird eats something.

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