|CLASS OF NUKE 'EM HIGH
|Copyright 1986 TNT Co/Troma Inc.
| Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'
- Warren - Clean cut high school boy who does not want to pressure his girlfriend about sex. Yes, he is a putz.
- Chrissy - Warren's girlfriend, she would really like to try out this neat biological behavior her hormones are urging, but her boyfriend is a putz.
- Eddie - Every group has a wild and crazy type right? Well he is the group's wild, crazy, and inept persona.
- Greg - I think he was going for the Duckie look.
- Mr. Finley - Plant manager for the nuclear facility, they must have well stocked cafeterias. Only a few feet from ground zero when the school explodes.
- The Cretins - Violent gang which used to be the school honor society. All have names like "Spike" or "Gonzo." All were voted "most likely to die in this movie."
- The Mutant - Part porcupine and part head cold, this product of Chrissy and Warren's first sexual encounter hides out in the school's basement for most of the film. Explodes after being shot with a laser.
|The actions and behavior of high school students is such a chaotic mess that blaming it all on nuclear waste seems plausible enough. The only problem is that when Susie exclaims, "Hey! What are these, where did they come from?" she is rarely talking about another set of hands. Not that nuclear energy isn't a safe way to grow more arms.
After an accident at the nearby nuclear plant contaminates the area none of Tromaville's students are sprouting limbs, but a few side effects are being exhibited. One nerd drinks icky black water then freaks out, even turns into a totally different person upon jumping out a window, then back into himself on making contact with the asphalt. It's almost as if they used a normally built stuntman to take the place of the very thin nerd...
Plant officials deny any problems, even though bubbling slime can be found around the school and the honor society is heavy into piercing and hair dye these days. I still wonder how so much radioactive waste made it to the school from the plant, maybe it was downhill?
Orbiting around the center of the universe, comprised of Warren and Chrissy, is a close group of friends. Unfortunately they are very good at getting the pair of goody two-shoes in trouble. After being pressured into smoking radioactive marijuana (obtained from the Cretins of course) the two begin fornicating with gusto. Both are pleased with the end result, but experience dizzy spells and hallucinations over the next few days. Warren in particular has some twisted dreams probably associated with feelings of inadequacy. Meanwhile, the young lady is pregnant and coughs up her offspring. You heard me, she coughs it up into the school toilet. It's a mutant!
The mutant does what most of his kind do, he hides out in dark places and eats anyone hapless enough to stumble across the lair. When the film is nearly over he decides a short pilgrimage is in order and climbs out of the toxic waste barrel. What do mutants do on pilgrimages? Why, look for the meaning of life of course. This involves punching holes in people and twisting off heads, probably as good an approach as any other.
Convoluted as things are they do come together with Warren trying to save Chrissy from the Cretins. When Mr. Mutant starts his end of the film rampage blood flows red in the hallways.
|Things I Learned From This Movie:|| |
- Fallout shelters are excellent makeout spots.
- Students bring a change of clothes to school every day.
- Frat houses look like dance clubs on the inside.
- Never punch a nuclear mutant.
- Sometimes girls spit up tadpoles.
- Murphy's Law applies to urine samples.
- High schools stock radioactive isotopes in sufficient quantities to destroy the building if an accident were to happen.
- Women can urinate while standing if they really want to.
- Blood is used as cold cream in some subcultures.
- 2 mins - Making good use of those little battery operated flashers I see...
- 4 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A BOOK!
- 14 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A CAKE!
- 14 mins - Notice the mouthguard. Now you see it, now you don't, now you see it again.
- 22 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
- 26 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
- 35 mins - He must have accidentally entered another house, that is not the inside of the one we saw him walking toward.
- 42 mins - Feeling bloated Chrissy? Take a Midol or something.
- 50 mins - That will teach you to put a huge ring in your nose. Hurts doesn't it?
- 53 mins - Perhaps Roseanne Barr is not guilty of the worst rendition of "The Star Spangled Banner."
- 68 mins - RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A SCHOOL!
- Eddie: "There's no radiation around here."
- Science Teacher: "If you were to aim this laser at the radioactive isotope samples we have here this whole building would be blown into oblivion and you with it!"
| ||Audio clips in wav format||SOUNDS||Starving actors speak out|| |
||Plant Worker: "Radioactive water is leaking from sub level three, it could contaminate the whole town!" |
Manager: "That's not so bad. Block off the area, scrub it down just to be safe."
||Spike: "Why don't you go play with some plutonium or something huh? Leave us alone!"
||Principal: "What's happened to you people? Six months ago you were the honor society, not a drug pushing gang of thugs."
||Some Dude: "Holy shit, what is all this green stuff? Yeecchhh!"
|Theme Song|| Listen to a clip from the soundtrack. |
| ||Click for a larger image||IMAGES||Scenes from the movie|| |
| ||Watch a scene||VIDEO||MPEG video files|| |
|Annoying isn't she? Don't worry, this is the beginning of the rampage. Our mutated friend will be putting a claw through her face (and out the back of her head) in about eight seconds.
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