|OVER-SEXED RUGSUCKERS FROM MARS
|Copyright 1989 Riproaring Productions
| Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 14 March 2009
- Rena - I hope that she ultimately learned one of Life's ultimate truths: nothing lasts forever; not even ninety-three-year-old husbands, voyeur boyfriends, or suction-powered offspring.
- Vernon - His kids died, his wife ran off with a Fuller Brush salesman, he lost his job and his house, he drank alien pee, and a bird pooped on his head. Why hasn't a country western singer written a song about this man?
- Tom - He won the "Cleanest Colon" award in prison.
- Charlie - Rena's boyfriend. It is impossible to believe that somebody could actually be this big of a douchebag.
- Beverly - Tom's wife. She loved being a middle-class homemaker and everything that went with it. She even loved the credit card debt. What she did not love was being bludgeoned to death by a sexually confused home appliance.
- The Aliens - What is more phallic than an anthropomorphic penis? An anatomically correct anthropomorphic penis.
- The Police - Am I correct in my assumption that the head detective is married to a sheep?
- Dusty - This is the "Over-Sexed Rugsucker from Mars." I have no idea why the title is pluralized. After killing Beverly, raping Rena, and giving Tom a 4.5 hp inverse pneumatic enema, this household abomination is finally shot by the police.
- The Vacusapien - Rena and Dusty's lovechild, an unholy combination of Cabbage Patch cuteness and Dustbuster functionality.
|We are all here because the movie's title caught our attention, correct? I mean, "Over-Sexed Rugsuckers from Mars" could be the poster child for bawdy titillation. It is not entirely accurate, as the aliens that create the animated vacuum cleaner appear to be from somewhere besides the fourth planet, and the vacuum cleaner never applies its suction to anyone's rug. No, not even a toupee. In fact, the only person to endure sexual machine suction in their bikini area is Tom. I am willing to concede the "Over-Sexed" part, because an appliance that has any amount of intercourse is bucking the odds.
Pause with me for a second. Among my many worries is this: eons in the future, a researcher is going to discover a computer left over from our lost civilization. In a quest to understand what the world was like in the Twenty-First Century, they are going to examine the hard drive, but the only thing they manage to recover is one of my reviews. Or, even worse, all of my reviews. That would be...horribly misleading.
G'Zaat 1002.391, if you are reading this, we were nothing like the movies we made. We spent all of our lives singing around campfires and eating ice cream. I would explain ice cream, but I doubt any cows survived the global famine, and you need cows to make ice cream. Rest assured that it was delicious. You cannot have any; we ate it all, and we ate the cows. Goodbye, G'Zaat 1002.391.
OK, where was I?
Dusty is created by a trio of aliens that drop by Earth to check on their experiment in creating life. The aliens and their spaceship are bizarre, and not the sort of things you want showing up at the Sunday church service. Despite appearances, the aliens are the superior lifeforms. They express dismay that humanity is such a slovenly race. Great, we are all a disappointment to a bunch of four-inch tall talking wankers. Anyway, to fix the root cause of the problem, the aliens jury-rig a discarded vacuum cleaner and instill in Vernon an unnatural urge to mate with the newly sentient appliance.
Eventually, Vernon is taken in by a psychiatrist who wants to prove that anyone can be rehabilitated, even a vacuum-porking wino. The psychiatrist stakes his reputation on his ability to cure Vernon. I think that the psychiatrist needs to see a therapist. A shower, haircut, and new suit might very well make the old bum look like a new man, but curing Vernon of his urge to make love to an old vacuum cleaner is going to require serious mojo. Psychiatrists are notoriously short of mojo.
While Vernon is distracted with his treatment, Dusty comes into Tom's possession. Tom does not know that the vacuum cleaner has been subjected to parts of a crazy wino that are best left unsaid; nor does Tom know that the vacuum is alive. Tom just knows that his wife needs a new vacuum cleaner. He knows this because Beverly hounds him about it. All that Tom wants to do is lock himself in the bathroom and spy on his neighbor, Rena, as she shaves her legs in the nude (with the curtains open). Tom cannot rub one out in privacy if Beverly is bugging him about buying a new vacuum.
Nor can Tom completely ignore Beverly's housewife libido. She might look like a mousy nerd, but she is the type of mousy nerd woman who is willing to experiment. Unfortunately, her idea of a hot and sexy evening is squirting ReddiWip onto Tom's thickly haired chest and then trying to lick it up. Egad. That's completely disgusting; I think that I'm going to spit up.
Sorry, I spit up.
Faced with the fact that sucking ReddiWip out of a bath mat is not sexy (even Tom agrees), Beverly opts for a more insidious approach and pulls out her box of "Weeping Wanger Tea" - a blend that is guaranteed to cause indignant arousal in even the most apathetic husband. She spills some of the potent aphrodisiac on the floor. Sucking the scattered tea mix up with Dusty proves to be a fatal mistake. The vacuum goes nuts! It tries to have sex with Beverly a little too hard. End result: Tom is going to need another housewife. Lucky for him, he has had one in mind. Although courting Rena proves to be a sticky wicket. She already has a boyfriend, if that is what you call Charlie. The couple is not terribly happy together, mostly because Charlie is a complete chode.
It does not take Tom long to make the same mistake that his dear departed wife made. Yep, he spills the "Weeping Wanger Tea" and employs Dusty to clean up the mess. Tom gets bent over the dining room table and violated by a vacuum cleaner that will not take "No" for an answer. Then the vacuum goes after Rena. She finds herself on the receiving end of some seriously hot vacuum cleaner bondage, and pregnant as a result of the inter-species (if biologists can agree that self-mobile upright vacuum cleaners are a form of life) tryst.
I wonder if Martha Stewart has dreams about being tied up with an electrical cord and boffed on the floor by a horny vacuum cleaner. Note: I do not want to know the answer to that. I often wonder about things that I shouldn't, like what Cthulhu would look like in a thong. There are some things that mortal man cannot bear to know. Cthulhu's swimwear is one of them, and Martha Stewart's erotic fantasies are another.
Something I should not fail to mention is that the movie's soundtrack is murky. It is also filled with lots of out-of-place rock & roll songs. If you watch the ending credits, it becomes obvious that a bunch of bands made this movie.
With murders, and vacuum cleaner rapes, and all this other funny business going on it should not come as a surprise that the police get involved. What is unnerving is how appalling the scenes with the detectives turn out. The only one that is not teeth-grindingly awful is the police lineup of vacuum cleaners presented to Rena so that she can identify her attacker. It is a tiny bit amusing. It is also dangerously close to the possible content of what could be another one of Martha Stewart's sexual fantasies.
Personally, I would rather see Cthulhu in a thong than Martha Stewart wearing anything less than coveralls. Either sight is guaranteed to destroy my sanity. I might as well pick the less unpleasant of the two.
Vernon has been searching for Dusty this whole time and is finally reunited with his lost love. The pair comes out of the closet together (Dusty is a male vacuum). The lovebirds spend their time like so many others do: laughing in a paddleboat, sipping martinis in a back alley, and sleeping on a couch near the railroad tracks. Ain't love grand?
You are wondering when this movie is going to end, aren't you? I have been wondering that for a while. Well, the movie cannot end until after the Tom has his day in court. What for? Um, dead housewife or some other such charge. Oddly, nobody besides Rena and Vernon believes Tom's "The vacuum cleaner did it!" alibi. Tom lucks out when Rena unexpectedly gives birth to the Vacusapien right there in the courtroom, though the film still is not over. You still need to hang on a little longer. You still have to make it past the really bad pun.
Egad, but that pun was horrible. As if this film was not guilty of enough bad taste.
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|Things I Learned From This Movie:
- Claymation was the source of the Goatse.cx guy's inspiration.
- When Simon says "travel at .99c" he means it.
- Scented suntan lotion is not an appropriate personal lubricant.
- The quickest way to a lawyer's heart is under his desk.
- Female exhibitionism and mullets are mutually inclusive.
- Hoover once advertised that its vacuum cleaners could "Suck the garters off a nymphet at twenty paces."
- Gravity is God's gift to special effects technicians.
- Leonardo da Vinci was possibly the most prescient fellow who ever lived.
- Girls be warned: having sex on the stairs always results in pregnancy.
- The secret to life eternal is an endless supply of quarters.
- Police .38 revolvers are not capable of penetrating a primate's forehead.
- Opening Credits - Well, these do not suck. Oddly, that is a bad sign.
- 7 mins - I am watching a bum have sex with a vacuum cleaner while the theme from 2001 plays. How did my life arrive at this point?
- 8 mins - She has an awfully big rug (just to get you wondering).
- 11 mins - Welcome to the Hell that is the modern day middle class. Population: 2.
- 14 mins - That's not yogurt!
- 31 mins - I did not need this scene.
- 38 mins - One of the reasons that you failed as a rock star is obvious.
- 42 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A STILETTO HEEL SHOE!
- 46 mins - Dusty was supposed to use the restroom at the beginning of the movie. Especially since Phobos is one of Mars' moons.
- 48 mins - Do it! Jump! That rose is not going to pick itself up! Jump, damn you, jump!
- 61 mins - "You idiot."
- 65 mins - That is hearsay...along with about ten more relatively useless nouns I have been dying to use in a conversation.
- 81 mins - He finally jumped! Hooray for happy endings!
|Audio clips in wav format
|Starving actors speak out
|Male Alien: "I can't believe it! Ten million years, and this is as far as the species has evolved?"
Female Alien: "Humans are so untidy."
Male Alien: "I know: let's try a cross between a human and a vacuum cleaner."
Female Alien: "Good idea."
|Beverly: "Tom, the vacuum cleaner's broken again."
Tom: "Oh, bloody 'ell! Something's always breaking down in this house. What do you want me to do, get down on my hands and knees and suck the carpet clean?"
Beverly: "No, I want you to stop at Neiman Marcus on the way home and pick up another one."
Tom: "Ohhhhh! I suppose K-mart is out of the question."
Beverly: "Oh, honey, we can't shop at K-mart. What would the neighbors think?"
|This is Charlie eating rice and beans. Yes, really. Complete douchebag.
|Detective: "I want an APB put out on a vacuum cleaner. Yeah, a vacuum cleaner! Um, medium height, brown dirt bag, off-white handle...last seen in the vicinity of 9619 Rosemary Lane in Bel Air."
| Listen to a clip from the soundtrack.
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