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SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS - 3 Slimes
Not Rated
Copyright 1964 Jalor Productions
Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'

The Characters:  

  • Santa - Every kid's favorite Alzheimer's victim.
  • Kimar - Leader of the Martians, he knows just how hard it is to get good help these days.
  • Dropo - Goofy assistant to Kimar who becomes the Martian Santa.
  • Billy and Betty - Earth children abducted by the Martians.
  • Bomar and Girmar - Martian kids, the latter is Pia Zadora! (She started doing bad movies at a young age.)
  • Momar - Kimar's wife, sort of a June Cleaver with green skin.
  • Torg - An astoundingly real robot! Santa turns him into a toy.
  • Chochem - Ancient and wise Martian.
  • Voldar - Evil Martian who hates toys, laughter, and fat guys in red suits.

Buy It!

The Plot: 

Anytime you want to watch the worst darn Christmas movie ever this little gem is waiting for you. When Kimar and the other members of Mars' ruling council can't make their children happy a short meeting with Chochem provides a solution, kidnap Santa Claus from Earth! Kimar leads a small raiding party (Which includes Voldar, why bring the guy most against something?) to Earth, after first grabbing Billy and Betty they arrive at Santa's Workshop. At this point a silly little section occurs with the Earth children briefly escaping and wandering around the North Pole in clothes barely suited for late autumn, Torg recaptures them before reality sets in and they freeze to death. Though defended by fearless elves, one of whom grabs a baseball bat before being frozen, the chubby guy is taken at last. Having survived the trip to Mars, including Voldar trapping him in an airlock and hitting the open button, Santa is put to work making toys. This is another planet though, so the workshop is a button console, when you flip a switch any random number of times the correct number of baseball bats, dolls, etc fall out of hatches. Voldar had been glumly awaiting his trial, but he escapes and sabotages the toy machine. By a silly twist of fate Dropo happens to come dancing in wearing a Santa suit, now the bungling villains think they have Saint Nick hostage. Will Dropo escape? Can Santa bring happiness to Mars? Will Billy and Betty ever see their home again? Actually, yes to all, but it's still grand to watch. Put reality aside, especially anything you learned in science class, and revel in the badness this holiday season.

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • There are worse Christmas songs than "Jingle Bells."
  • Santa has a reindeer named "Nixon."
  • Eating a hamburger in the shape of a pill is unappetizing.
  • Saturn is clearly visible from Mars, appearing about the same size as our moon does to us.
  • Ponderous B-52 bombers are scrambled to intercept UFOs.
  • Santa would never make it as a stand up comic.
  • Getting fat takes time.
  • Even Martian guys stuff their pants.
  • Four kids using ping-pong balls and soap bubbles can take on one grown man who is armed with a disintegration ray.

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • 6 mins - Why is the snow on that guy not melting?
  • 13 mins - Septober? What sort of a goofy hybrid month?
  • 20 mins - Paper towel tubes used as part of a radar array. (These guys were so broke.)
  • 30 mins - You two kids are going to freeze to death; I am actually happy about this.
  • 34 mins - Oh no! It's some guy dressed in a polar bear suit!
  • 50 mins - They are going to escape the airlock via a duct?
  • 57 mins - Some big guy who laughs insanely would not put me at ease, I'd run...
  • 66 mins - These morons cannot tell the difference between Santa and Dropo in a red suit?

 Audio clips in wav formatSOUNDSStarving actors speak out 

FileDialog
Green Music Note santamars1.wav Voldar: "All this trouble over a fat little man in a red suit."
Green Music Note santamars2.wav Betty: "What are those funny things sticking out of your head?"
Martian: "Those are our antenna."
Betty: "Are you a television set?"
Green Music Note santamars3.wav Newscaster: "And Mrs. Santa Claus has positively identified the kidnappers as Martians."
Green Music Note santamars4.wav Martian: "Where are you going?"
Dropo: "Ho, ho, ho!"
Martian: "Can't you say anything else, but 'ho, ho, ho?'"
Dropo: "Ho, ho, ho."
Green Music NoteTheme Song Listen to a clip from the soundtrack.

 Click for a larger imageIMAGESScenes from the movie 

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 Watch a sceneVIDEOMPEG video files 

Video Clipsantamars1.mpg - 2.8m
Voldar is defeated.

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Comments:Write CommentPages: 1 ... 3 4 [5] 6 7
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Reply #33. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by
I found this on DVD at a local thrift store, for the amazing price of $1.  Best dollar I ever spent, well at least since that last dollar I spent to buy "Plan 9 From Outer Space" on DVD.
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Reply #34. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Mikael P
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Reply #35. Posted on June 07, 2005, 07:16:30 PM by giant claw
A real gem in bad movies and a real lump of coal for the director i mean there are some christmas movies that will be classics like ITS A WONDERFUL LIFE,MIRICLE ON 34TH STREET ETC and then theres tha real bad ones SANTA CUASE THE MOVIE CHRISTMAS WITH THE KRANKS POLAR EXPRESS but this one is the #1 in bad hoilday films
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Reply #36. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Julie
I used to watch this movie on t.v. with my brother every Christmas, and we loved it!  This year I got it from my local library and showed it to my classroom of 4th graders during our Christmas party (Polar Express was all rented out).  They thought it was awful, but they loved it.  They even asked to see it again when they came back to school after the new year.  I'm cultivating a new generation of bad movie lovers (your tax dollars at
work : )
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Reply #37. Posted on December 28, 2005, 07:58:52 AM by Rob
I saw this movie as a kid 2 years in a row at the UA Oasis.  They always used to run kids matinees and had all the K. Gordon Murray classics and anything else they could play.  
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Reply #38. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Max Alan Zoller
This is the best movie I have ever seen...SO funny that I could hardly watch the ending because i was crying out loud and tears we're running from my eyes. A true joy (if you're a masochist like me) to watch again and again. Really addictive song...can you find a soundtrack? Please name the title of this mexican Santa film, it sounds good!
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Reply #39. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Gary
This is the best movie in the so bad it's goog genere of film. SCCtM is the Top Shelf example of the 'Just beacuse you own a Video Camera dosen't mean you should take this weeks allowence (Probably $5-$10)and make a Sci-fi/Chrismas movie.'  
Re: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Reply #40. Posted on December 16, 2007, 12:58:04 AM by BloMor
Wow. I JUST finished watching this movie on TV 101 in Atlanta.
What can I say that hasn't already been said?!
The dialogue, the sets, the costumes. I give them an "A" for effort and creativity...didn't know Martians wore hot pants! And that green, greasy makeup that SOME of the Martians wore; I guess the others were allergic to it.
This movie is on a par with (actually, better than) the live-action crap currently on Cartoon Network (that Garth Merenghi show, for one).
Yes, Pia Zadora started making bad movies at a young age; the only other thing I've seen her in is "Butterfly."
SCCTM has an extremely high "cheese" factor!  I guess recreational drugs were readily available in the 1960's..."I want my DOLLLLLLLLLLLS!" ( A quote from another cheese-fest, Valley of the Dolls, but that's a whole 'nother story).
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