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SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS - 3 Slimes
Not Rated
Copyright 1964 Jalor Productions
Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'

The Characters:  

  • Santa - Every kid's favorite Alzheimer's victim.
  • Kimar - Leader of the Martians, he knows just how hard it is to get good help these days.
  • Dropo - Goofy assistant to Kimar who becomes the Martian Santa.
  • Billy and Betty - Earth children abducted by the Martians.
  • Bomar and Girmar - Martian kids, the latter is Pia Zadora! (She started doing bad movies at a young age.)
  • Momar - Kimar's wife, sort of a June Cleaver with green skin.
  • Torg - An astoundingly real robot! Santa turns him into a toy.
  • Chochem - Ancient and wise Martian.
  • Voldar - Evil Martian who hates toys, laughter, and fat guys in red suits.

Buy It!

The Plot: 

Anytime you want to watch the worst darn Christmas movie ever this little gem is waiting for you. When Kimar and the other members of Mars' ruling council can't make their children happy a short meeting with Chochem provides a solution, kidnap Santa Claus from Earth! Kimar leads a small raiding party (Which includes Voldar, why bring the guy most against something?) to Earth, after first grabbing Billy and Betty they arrive at Santa's Workshop. At this point a silly little section occurs with the Earth children briefly escaping and wandering around the North Pole in clothes barely suited for late autumn, Torg recaptures them before reality sets in and they freeze to death. Though defended by fearless elves, one of whom grabs a baseball bat before being frozen, the chubby guy is taken at last. Having survived the trip to Mars, including Voldar trapping him in an airlock and hitting the open button, Santa is put to work making toys. This is another planet though, so the workshop is a button console, when you flip a switch any random number of times the correct number of baseball bats, dolls, etc fall out of hatches. Voldar had been glumly awaiting his trial, but he escapes and sabotages the toy machine. By a silly twist of fate Dropo happens to come dancing in wearing a Santa suit, now the bungling villains think they have Saint Nick hostage. Will Dropo escape? Can Santa bring happiness to Mars? Will Billy and Betty ever see their home again? Actually, yes to all, but it's still grand to watch. Put reality aside, especially anything you learned in science class, and revel in the badness this holiday season.

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • There are worse Christmas songs than "Jingle Bells."
  • Santa has a reindeer named "Nixon."
  • Eating a hamburger in the shape of a pill is unappetizing.
  • Saturn is clearly visible from Mars, appearing about the same size as our moon does to us.
  • Ponderous B-52 bombers are scrambled to intercept UFOs.
  • Santa would never make it as a stand up comic.
  • Getting fat takes time.
  • Even Martian guys stuff their pants.
  • Four kids using ping-pong balls and soap bubbles can take on one grown man who is armed with a disintegration ray.

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • 6 mins - Why is the snow on that guy not melting?
  • 13 mins - Septober? What sort of a goofy hybrid month?
  • 20 mins - Paper towel tubes used as part of a radar array. (These guys were so broke.)
  • 30 mins - You two kids are going to freeze to death; I am actually happy about this.
  • 34 mins - Oh no! It's some guy dressed in a polar bear suit!
  • 50 mins - They are going to escape the airlock via a duct?
  • 57 mins - Some big guy who laughs insanely would not put me at ease, I'd run...
  • 66 mins - These morons cannot tell the difference between Santa and Dropo in a red suit?

 Audio clips in wav formatSOUNDSStarving actors speak out 

FileDialog
Green Music Note santamars1.wav Voldar: "All this trouble over a fat little man in a red suit."
Green Music Note santamars2.wav Betty: "What are those funny things sticking out of your head?"
Martian: "Those are our antenna."
Betty: "Are you a television set?"
Green Music Note santamars3.wav Newscaster: "And Mrs. Santa Claus has positively identified the kidnappers as Martians."
Green Music Note santamars4.wav Martian: "Where are you going?"
Dropo: "Ho, ho, ho!"
Martian: "Can't you say anything else, but 'ho, ho, ho?'"
Dropo: "Ho, ho, ho."
Green Music NoteTheme Song Listen to a clip from the soundtrack.

 Click for a larger imageIMAGESScenes from the movie 

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 Watch a sceneVIDEOMPEG video files 

Video Clipsantamars1.mpg - 2.8m
Voldar is defeated.

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Comments:Write CommentPages: 1 ... 5 6 [7]
Re: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Reply #49. Posted on February 11, 2009, 10:29:28 AM by copromovie
God! Everyone in the cast look like they're stonned with marihuana LOL
Re: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Reply #50. Posted on October 09, 2009, 09:26:06 AM by marcus
Well, well, well,.........this really is an awful film, or am i missing something?.
Things i liked about it:
The abysmal polar bear outfit, ( i heard the violin of pity playing in my head on this one)
The acting,......???????????.
The dialogue
It was like receiving a jigsaw puzzle where the pictures al right, but the pieces hopelessly don't fit.
Mrs Claws, ( oh dear! ) my mother in law acts like her, wonder if she auditioned?.
However, my three year old daughter loved it, she pointed out the polar bear at which point i burst into tears.
Re: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Reply #51. Posted on October 01, 2011, 03:20:22 AM by vwyler
After reading the other comments made about this film, I must disagree.  All right, yes... it is a poor film from a technical point-of-view.

But, keep in mind that the budget  of SCCTM  was around 200 thousand  dollars... peanuts, even in 1964 when the film was made.  Considering the scope the picture attempts to convey,  I don't think the director could have done much better with such a small budget.  He simply had too much movie on his hands to lens for 200 grand.

As to the actors all being terrible, or looking stoned, as some commentors have suggested... this is patently false.  The actors did a competent job with the material they were given.  The acting is certainly on par with the status quo for kiddie films, such as Casper and those horrid Home Alone movies.  And that's an important thing to remember... SCCTM is a kiddie film.  It was never meant for an adult audience.  Yet commentors and critics frequently judge it as if it were adult science fiction, an unfair assessment.

The story is actually rather sweet and has a kindly message over all.  Nothing any sensible person would object to their seven year old sitting through.

All in all, SCCTM has gotten the proverbial raw deal.  I, for one, enjoy the film immensely and reccomend to critics that they view it again, but with a different frame of mind. Wink
Re: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Reply #52. Posted on October 01, 2011, 09:08:47 AM by FatFreddysCat
I'd been hearing/reading about SCCTM for years 'n' years but never pulled the trigger on it till last Holiday season when I found it on DVD at the dollar store. Sat down to watch it and laughed my ass off for the entire film.

Gotta love that "Hooray for Santy Claus" song, catchy as hell!

I'd thought about possibly showing the film to my kids but once I'd viewed it myself I decided not to -- I have a feeling that such an act might constitute child abuse.

Seriously, if ever there was a movie begging to be re-made by Tim Burton or Rob Zombie, this is the one!!
Re: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Reply #53. Posted on December 22, 2011, 06:52:21 AM by bob
S-A-N-T-A C-L-A-U-S

hooray for Santy Claus
Re: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Reply #54. Posted on December 22, 2011, 01:33:11 PM by FatFreddysCat
Funny this one comes up, I was thinking about busting this DVD out tonight to watch whilst I wrap the kids' Christmas gifts.
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