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SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS - 3 Slimes
Not Rated
Copyright 1964 Jalor Productions
Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'

The Characters:  

  • Santa - Every kid's favorite Alzheimer's victim.
  • Kimar - Leader of the Martians, he knows just how hard it is to get good help these days.
  • Dropo - Goofy assistant to Kimar who becomes the Martian Santa.
  • Billy and Betty - Earth children abducted by the Martians.
  • Bomar and Girmar - Martian kids, the latter is Pia Zadora! (She started doing bad movies at a young age.)
  • Momar - Kimar's wife, sort of a June Cleaver with green skin.
  • Torg - An astoundingly real robot! Santa turns him into a toy.
  • Chochem - Ancient and wise Martian.
  • Voldar - Evil Martian who hates toys, laughter, and fat guys in red suits.

Buy It!

The Plot: 

Anytime you want to watch the worst darn Christmas movie ever this little gem is waiting for you. When Kimar and the other members of Mars' ruling council can't make their children happy a short meeting with Chochem provides a solution, kidnap Santa Claus from Earth! Kimar leads a small raiding party (Which includes Voldar, why bring the guy most against something?) to Earth, after first grabbing Billy and Betty they arrive at Santa's Workshop. At this point a silly little section occurs with the Earth children briefly escaping and wandering around the North Pole in clothes barely suited for late autumn, Torg recaptures them before reality sets in and they freeze to death. Though defended by fearless elves, one of whom grabs a baseball bat before being frozen, the chubby guy is taken at last. Having survived the trip to Mars, including Voldar trapping him in an airlock and hitting the open button, Santa is put to work making toys. This is another planet though, so the workshop is a button console, when you flip a switch any random number of times the correct number of baseball bats, dolls, etc fall out of hatches. Voldar had been glumly awaiting his trial, but he escapes and sabotages the toy machine. By a silly twist of fate Dropo happens to come dancing in wearing a Santa suit, now the bungling villains think they have Saint Nick hostage. Will Dropo escape? Can Santa bring happiness to Mars? Will Billy and Betty ever see their home again? Actually, yes to all, but it's still grand to watch. Put reality aside, especially anything you learned in science class, and revel in the badness this holiday season.

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • There are worse Christmas songs than "Jingle Bells."
  • Santa has a reindeer named "Nixon."
  • Eating a hamburger in the shape of a pill is unappetizing.
  • Saturn is clearly visible from Mars, appearing about the same size as our moon does to us.
  • Ponderous B-52 bombers are scrambled to intercept UFOs.
  • Santa would never make it as a stand up comic.
  • Getting fat takes time.
  • Even Martian guys stuff their pants.
  • Four kids using ping-pong balls and soap bubbles can take on one grown man who is armed with a disintegration ray.

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • 6 mins - Why is the snow on that guy not melting?
  • 13 mins - Septober? What sort of a goofy hybrid month?
  • 20 mins - Paper towel tubes used as part of a radar array. (These guys were so broke.)
  • 30 mins - You two kids are going to freeze to death; I am actually happy about this.
  • 34 mins - Oh no! It's some guy dressed in a polar bear suit!
  • 50 mins - They are going to escape the airlock via a duct?
  • 57 mins - Some big guy who laughs insanely would not put me at ease, I'd run...
  • 66 mins - These morons cannot tell the difference between Santa and Dropo in a red suit?

 Audio clips in wav formatSOUNDSStarving actors speak out 

FileDialog
Green Music Note santamars1.wav Voldar: "All this trouble over a fat little man in a red suit."
Green Music Note santamars2.wav Betty: "What are those funny things sticking out of your head?"
Martian: "Those are our antenna."
Betty: "Are you a television set?"
Green Music Note santamars3.wav Newscaster: "And Mrs. Santa Claus has positively identified the kidnappers as Martians."
Green Music Note santamars4.wav Martian: "Where are you going?"
Dropo: "Ho, ho, ho!"
Martian: "Can't you say anything else, but 'ho, ho, ho?'"
Dropo: "Ho, ho, ho."
Green Music NoteTheme Song Listen to a clip from the soundtrack.

 Click for a larger imageIMAGESScenes from the movie 

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 Watch a sceneVIDEOMPEG video files 

Video Clipsantamars1.mpg - 2.8m
Voldar is defeated.

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Comments:Write CommentPages: 1 [2] 3 4 ... 7
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Reply #9. Posted on December 20, 2000, 11:55:41 AM by Aaron
Was this movie acutally in theaters?  If so, I gotta have the poster!
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Reply #10. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Sugarcat
In 4th grade my best friend and I stumbled upon this movie at Blockbuster under the "Cult Classics" section.  Still to this day, 15 years later, we both LOVE watching this movie together.  We still laugh with all the intensity as the first time we saw it.  YOU MUST SEE THIS MOVIE!!!  I wonder how Pia Zadora feels about it...
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Reply #11. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Vic Stiles
My name is Vic Stiles and yes, i starred in the movie "Santa Claus The Martians" as the earth boy, Billy Foster. I was searching on  yahoo and came to find this site is alive and well. I am very please to see that people still love to talk and watch the movie i had once made years ago. I think it had been and will always be a classic,and should be played on T.V every year. For the past couple years i have been fortunate enough to catch my movie on T.v. This year i was sad to learn that it had not been played. We need to put pressure on networks to get this classical movie played once again!  Thanks a lot for making a site dedicated to this cult classic. Goodluck with the site its very nice, thanks again
                                  Vic Stiles    
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Reply #12. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Gary Sivits
   In response to Betsy,  I was wondering the same thing.... is that weasily,little martian with the big shnozz Jamie Farr???  Listen to his voice, with the few lines he says, it sounds like him!!  Obviously this is one of those flicks he'd rather forget.  He isn't even listed in the final credits.  Overall, this is a fun flick to watch around Christmas time with the kids, or other adults who like to make fun of low-budget blunders, a'la Mystery Science Theater 3000.  Maybe Rhino Records will release the MST3K version.
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Reply #13. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Ernst Bitterman
I've seen this item and the Mexican Wrestling Federation "Santa Claus" (mentioned previously) back to back at a holiday MST3K evening.

Poo.  It's really hard to take even with the full MSTreatment.  Actually, I got up and went for a walk to avoid a bit of it.  I live in Canada.  The year this happened, we had -40 temperatures without wind chill (and don't bother asking Celcius or Fahrenheit; at -40, they meet).  I guess the moral is, even a REALLY bad movie is better than loosing your ears to frostbite, since I did come back for the end.
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Reply #14. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by andrerenua
The worst movie I have ever seen in my entire life (22 years of age). A MASTERPIECE OF DISGUST!!! The actors are simply awful! The toilets on their heads are absolutely ludicrous! Their green tights are absolutelly gay appealing!
Movie zenith highlights include :

1) The "nuclear" curtain that totally rocks!! What a conseption!!!
2) The battery shaped spaceship!! I guess these guys were awfully low on budget!
3) And finally the wonderfull oscar deserving role of DROPO (what a name!)

P.S: Somebody please send me a copy on DVD!!!
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Reply #15. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Killjoy
The MST3K version of this movie is the only way to watch it, without clawing your eyes out and spiking daggers in your ears.

"What's in the pipe, Santa?"
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Reply #16. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Swamprat
Great song! Rotten movie. Made me hate Santa Claus and children! Real Earth children would have killed the "lovable" Dropo right off. Our old theater on main street here used to play this thing on Saturday afternoons every December. Nearly everybody could sing along with the damn song...none of us needed the bouncing ball finalie anymore. It was always advertised as a new Ckristmas time classic...PUKE! When Pia Zadora had her quick brush with fame it was advertised as that classic we all love starring Pia Zadora! Chuckle, chuckle...PUKE! We'd go see it again...on a lark...PUKE! When it pops up on TV nowadays around Christmas time...PUKE! We're opening gifts around the tree later on...someone says, "Remember that Martian Santa Claus Movie?"...PUKE! Last week I was playing my Stratocaster in the living room and watching the coming attractions on Cable's AMC station...guess what? PUKE! You don't have to buy or rent this atrocity to see it, just wait around, it'll track you down and corner you on it's own sooner or later...have a barfbag ready.
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