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| In the background this movie plays out like "Romeo and Juliet," but on the surface it's all about nuns acting more like somes. (There are a few cases when they even act like a gosh darn lots.) Esteban and Lucita are planning to elope when he is accused of being a heretic and wounded by church soldiers. Forced to hide in a secret room the young man has little idea of the sordid trysts at first, but soon Josefa is murdered and Lucita blamed for the crime. "Innocent until proven guilty" doesn't really sound like too big of a thing until you spend several hours being stretched and told to confess. (Oh, and this must be done topless for some reason, at least if the accused is a young woman.) She finally does confess to protect her lover's hiding place from being discovered, so they haul her off to the dungeons of Seville. Esteban finds out from Joaquin that the Abbess has engineered everything, he decides that making love to Incarnacion through the sheets is his only chance to save Lucita. It's quite a scene by the way, I still have no idea how they managed to accomplish anything with that sheet in the way. The young man travels to meet with Alonzo, meanwhile the Inquisitor returns to the convent and is not very happy with what he finds. (Nun on nun action.) Onorio has the entire bunch, including Lucita, walled up inside the abbey to die of thirst and starvation. Pretty soon you have a bunch of naked women wandering around and fighting over condensation, the young man figures out what has happened and rescues the trapped women just in time. The script must have said, "Insert happy ending here." on the last page. |
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| Things I Learned From This Movie: | |
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 | The best medicine is passionate kissing.
| | Convents aren't exactly the best place for a male heretic to hide.
| | Secret rooms, lacking any windows, are brightly lit.
| | Spanish justice during the Inquisition was pretty much a lose/lose situation for the suspect.
| | Roasting young women at the stake improves church attendance.
| | Sometimes slapping the crap out a nun is okay.
| | If someone leaves you tied up in a thatch hut be careful not to knock over the brazier of hot coals.
| | Women dying of thirst tend to wander around naked and often revert to lesbianism.
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| 11 mins - You were shot in the arm silly, I think your major concern will be infection, not bleeding to death.
| | 15 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
| | 22 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
| | 25 mins - How exactly does that secret door work?
| | 27 mins - No stab wounds...
| | 30 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
| | 52 mins - Why does the Abbess have a spare bed?
| | 71 mins - Notice that "dead" Joaquin carefully eases his own head to the ground.
| | 83 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
| | 87 mins - The immortal "slap her clothes off" scene.
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Joaquin: "That won't help me when I'm dead."
Lucita: "What are you doing in my bed?"
Josefa: "I was waiting for you, it's cold."
Onorio: "Confess. Answer for your own good."
Joaquin: "The Abbess isn't human. She's the Devil incarnate!"
Abbess: "I want slaves!"
Onorio: "This house is possessed by the Devil."
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| | Click for a larger image | IMAGES | Scenes from the movie | |
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| | Watch a scene | VIDEO | MPEG video files | |
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 | sinfulnuns1.mpg
- 1.5m
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| Esteban demonstrates his skill as a swordsman. Sorry it couldn't be a more interesting clip, but the entire movie is just full of naked women. The director must think us males enjoy looking at that sort of thing...
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| | Leave a comment | EXTRAS | Buy the movie | |
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| The Sinful Nuns of Saint Valentine
Reply #1. Posted on January 21, 2000, 03:08:07 PM by James Hepler
Sheesh. Your grammar is a bit off. If English isn't yer first language, sorry :) Look elsewhere for nudity. This site has a general policy of no nudity, read the FAQ. My only comment on this one: why is a shitty movie like this letter boxed but hundreds of truly great movies are impossible to find in that format?
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| The Sinful Nuns of Saint Valentine
Reply #2. Posted on January 22, 2000, 01:06:29 PM by jeffleach@usa.net
LOL! Great review. I guess I won't be finding this one at the video store under "Disney". It sounds cheesy enough to give it a view, though. It must have been one of the lesser-known films from the horny nuns era, made famous from such movies as Letters of a Portuguese Nun and Flavia the Heretic. Keep up the good work. I'm putting this site in my favorites. I like the new look.
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| The Sinful Nuns of Saint Valentine
Reply #3. Posted on November 25, 2006, 05:10:12 PM by jmc
As Joe Bob Briggs might say, this one has "too much plot getting in the way of the movie." It's probably a little better made than most of the nasty nun subgenre, but who cares? People who watch this expecting something along the lines of "The Devils" or "Flavia" will be disappointed.
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Little girls will happily substitute a big, ugly toad for a doll. 