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SORORITY HOUSE VAMPIRES FROM HELL - Skull
Not Rated
Copyright 2001 Digital Entertainment Group
Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 18 August 2002

The Characters:  

  • Buffy - Young sorority pledge who will become a vampire hunter. Definitely an original idea.
  • Jodi - Nice hat, are you going to church after the movie is over?
  • Tina - Why is she joining a sorority? This pledge comes from the bad part of town, hence the fifth degree black belt (yeah, right), Steve Irwin clothes, and Malcolm X hat.
  • Jim - Those suffering from partial vampirism, please hold your left hand in the air and torture the viewers with your acting.
  • The Sorority Sisters - Inga, the Swedish dominatrix, Chris, the man masquerading as a lesbian, and the loopy spiritualist.
  • The Surfer and His Girlfriend - The first two idiot victims of the vampiress. I don't think that her breasts are real.
  • The Hicks - One guy looks a little bit like Vincent Schiavelli. That is never a compliment.
  • Count Vlad - Komedy relief from Hell! He tries to use his elongated canine as a corkscrew, resulting in a broken fang.
  • Natalia - The vampiress, a perfect example of a tall, skinny, pale woman.
  • Rabaalhazor - Supposedly an alien or demon (something like that). He sounds like Mojo Jojo.


The Plot: 

At times people send me screener copies of movies for review. Staring at this particular DVD, I think that the filmmakers mailing me a dead rat would have been a better deal. The case even feels like a sodden rodent carcass teaming with white maggots, but it is nothing more than cool plastic. This is just a hallucination brought on by a now diseased brain. I have seen Ulmers, Shoggoths, and "Sorority House Vampires." My mind is a broken thing.

Open on a mass of foam that has a snowy television screen embedded within. Raucous music blares and a naked Asian girl begins gyrating before the hideous entertainment center. After a few minutes, and I kid not about the duration, Rabaalhazor (demons always have so many a's in their names) speaks about the impending doom of humanity. With that out of the way, Diana, high priestess of Rabaalhazor, appears on the screen and the music starts all over again. This goes on for another five minutes.

Can you feel my annoyance yet? Do not get me wrong, the girl playing Diana looks to be attractive. The reason it is difficult to say for certain is the psychotic effects. The image is doubled and transparent creatures straight out of a Cronenberg film writhe over the screen. I tried putting on a pair of 3-D glasses that were handy, which turned out to be a big mistake. Trying to watch the scene without simply made my stomach uneasy; with the 3-D viewer over me glassies I felt like I was going to snuff it.

Natalia is woken when a pair of girls stumble over her grave. Surprisingly, the obvious fodder characters are not eaten and run away while the vampire claws her way out of the ground. It is the surfer dude and his buxom girlfriend who become the first meal. Meanwhile, in a shadow filled room, Vlad is roused by something falling onto his coffin. Vlad is the highly annoying comic relief. For most of the film he will stumble around the basement and cause himself multiple injuries due to plain clumsiness. Hit over the head by falling beams, stuck in torture stocks, being electrocuted - all Vlad. That the movie's only entertaining line, "I love the smell of blood. It smells like... ...blood." (this is what I have to work with here) comes from this odious character is a testament to irony.

The Alpha Beta Gamma sorority is testing new pledges at their house in the woods. Thus are Buffy, Jodi, and Tony introduced to each other. The arrival at the sorority has one good side effect, the color snaps on (until now everything looked bleached). The three pledges meet the three sorority sisters and are immediately sent to scrub the kitchen. It turns out that joining a sorority involves two things: getting paddled and cleaning the kitchen.

Outside of the house, the woodland carnage continues as Natalia claims more victims. Her previous meals become obedient zombies or vampires themselves, though not always well adjusted to their new biology. The surfer dude and his girlfriend have a try at sex. It does not turn out well; she hastily pushes him away with a complaint about feeling like a dead fish. Frankly, I would happily screw a dead tuna if it meant I would never have to watch this repellent film ever again.

The girls eventually learn of the bloodsucking threat through Jim. He became a partial vampire after Natalia drained half of his plasma. Large portions of the movie's dialog are lost in background noise, usually music. Knowing what the characters were saying probably would not help things, but there you go.

Oh, by the way, a power meter (like you see in video games) appears on the screen and fills whenever the vampiress is drinking blood. It is the little attempts at comedy, degenerating into komedy, and later into qomedy, that make the viewing experience pure agony. The unwise inclusion of a "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition" bit just made me angry. Then there was the Ice Queen, appearing and claiming to be from the sequel. A sequel? God forbid! I know what to include in my prayers tonight.

Buffy and her pals ready themselves for battle. Natalia prepares her troops using the lecture method, resulting in no small amount of qomedy as they struggle to "fan out" or perform "serpentine" maneuvers. Then the undead engage in an abrupt music video. Why me? WHY? I am going to find the bastards who sent me this DVD and beat them with a stick!

When the battle finally takes place you had better not think the torture is over. Just sit back and enjoy the background music (reminds me of my Chocobo racing days). The nauseating attempts at humor are laid on pretty thick, including a number of separate endings. Look, we do not care which ending is better. Pick one of the wretched things and be done with it!

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • Subtitles should only be used by certified professionals.
  • Body suits are not vampire proof.
  • Breasts can be used as a substitute for smelling salts.
  • African-American women get a little nervous when surrounded by lots of white people in sheets.
  • Women have some absurd ways of establishing dominance (kissing a stuffed penguin, really).
  • Oil is the lifeblood of Mother Earth.
  • There are fates worse than death. At least one involves a TV and THIS CURSED MOVIE!
  • There is a major artery in your ass.
  • Barbie was invented by a voodoo priestess.

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • There will be no "RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!" calls. Jugs are rampant, they just do not help the movie.
  • 3 mins - Thank goodness that is over. No, no, not again.
  • 22 mins - And so does this movie! What is your freaking point?
  • 30 mins - Cow tastes good, thus we eat the animal.
  • 42 mins - If only I could hit this movie over the head with a rock. Then I would ship the rock to China.
  • 46 mins - You need to speak up, I cannot understand a word... ...oh, screw it. It is not as if I care anyway.
  • 52 mins - I really hate this movie.
  • 66 mins - It becomes holy water because she drew a cross on the bottle. Interesting.
  • 68 mins - Bored people with a camera. Not good.
  • 82 mins - End! End! DAMN YOU TO HELL! END!

 Audio clips in wav formatSOUNDSStarving actors speak out 

FileDialog
Green Music Note sororityvamps1.wav Rabaalhazor rambling on.
Green Music Note sororityvamps2.wav Tina: "I'm from what you bitches would call 'the bad part of town,' where bad is good and worse is a freaking nightmare. Hmm!"
Green Music Note sororityvamps3.wav Loopy Spiritualist: "I've come to you so that we may transverse ourselves and connect as two spiritual entities."
Natalia: "Doesn't nobody speak English around here any more? I'm tired of reading these goddamned subtitles!"
Green Music Note sororityvamps4.wav Buffy: "I come out here for the weekend for a little fun, a few drinks, a little innocent hazing, and I end up in a goddamned war against vampires."

 Click for a larger imageIMAGESScenes from the movie 

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 Watch a sceneVIDEOMPEG video files 

Video Clipsororityvamps1.mpg - 1.8m
Watch in horror as the two rednecks meet Natalia. Billy Joe Bob Schiavelli is the one on the right, just in case you were wondering.

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Comments:Write CommentPages: [1] 2
Sorority House Vampires from Hell
Reply #1. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by daMojoman
Thanks for the review...awesome...looks like Plan 9 From Outer Space finally has something to be compared to and actually come out ahead.  Judging from the clip and the waves, this is one I just gotta inflict upon myself...am I a masochist? No...but I have been called a dirty dog and as the ads say, "All dogs love CHEESE!"
Sorority House Vampires from Hell
Reply #2. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Unseen Unheard
This review is so true.  You've got this supposedly erotic-comedic-horror movie, and it can't even get one of those right.  What's the next step below "qomedy"?  Xhomedy?  Even if the dialogue were funny, the quality of the sound is so poor you wouldn't understand it anyway.  That's why subway platform announcers don't do stand-up.

When I saw the movie --which thankfully will be the last time I ever see that movie-- there were characters popping in and out and so many things that didn't make sense that I have to assume this was some sort of rejected improv tape for "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
Sorority House Vampires from Hell
Reply #3. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Da VirgoMan
Sarge, you're right. Raal-what's-his-name DOES sound like Mojo Jojo...save that Mojo Jojo can actually ACT!
In some weird warped way, now I have the urge to cover myself in Cheez Doodles and watch this movie, while chanting 'I am a toodle-twit,I am a toodle-twit'...

Sorority House Vampires from Hell
Reply #4. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Steven Payne
I worked on the above mentioned film (Sorority House Vampires) as sound man, and did (uncredited) rewrites.  The movie was shot in 1990 on digital video, NOT as a 3-D movie.  For the past 13 years I've seen this film in various formats.  I even own one, where a wraparound scene was shot to try to add sense to the story.  The wraparound served only to detract from what was initially a lightweight, though at the time, at the very least, easy to follow plot.  The people were nice to work with, the story was a bad idea to shoot.  Most of the crew were very talented people working on the film as a "resume-stuffer" during downtime to make sure they stayed active and to do a little networking.  Some of the rewrites I and the credited writers injected added a modicum of humor.  But so far all of the wraparounds intended to "update" the original footage have left it an unintelligible mess.  It would be better served to be released simply as it, a not very good, lightweight T&A trash movie, much like all the other "Sorority House" movies, and then given a decent and dignified death.
Sorority House Vampires from Hell
Reply #5. Posted on April 18, 2004, 10:48:13 PM by Wolfgangerl
When will bad movies stop quoting the great Monty Python? When will the maddness end?
Sorority House Vampires from Hell
Reply #6. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by kzintichmee
I saw this movie last night, as part of a ten movie dvd thingy. The surfer chick was excellent looking, I don't care if they were fake. I kept waiting for a good shot of Buffy which is why I sat through the whole thing. They must have scoured the local juke joints for the actresses. Truly, an awful experience.
Sorority House Vampires from Hell
Reply #7. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:03 PM by el cal
I think this is the worst movie ever.  I like bad movies, reaaaly bad movies. but this is the worst. ever.
Unredeemable.
Sorority House Vampires from Hell
Reply #8. Posted on December 29, 2005, 03:15:59 PM by Arm Commander
What did they study in school? Pay off in the studio? They just made a horrible movie! It is my duty to eradicate all the skull-rated movies out of this holy place, so for being an audience-torturing schlock, I, the great and everlasting Arm Commander, sentence it to the Torture Room of the Inferno! No second chances, no pleads. Only death awaits this movie.
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