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TEENAGE SPACE VAMPIRES - 1 Slime
Rated PG
Copyright 1998 Canarom Productions Inc. and Castel Films
Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'

The Characters:  

  • Bill - High school kid who watches all sorts of monster movies, has a unibrow.
  • Hank - Leader of the SETI team, keeps his hair cut short to cover the fact he's starting to go bald, plus he never sleeps.
  • Kevin - Bill's nerdy friend with bleached hair.
  • Katie and Jesse - Bill's sister and her boyfriend
  • Andy and Randy - Twins who are complete jerks, even before becoming vampires.
  • Mike and Paula - Hank's fellow SETI researchers.
  • Miss Gibson - Very large and unfriendly woman of Russian descent, not hard to see why she isn't married.
  • Coach Danvers - The main vampire operative and soccer coach.
  • Lord Vlathos - Look at the name, this is the head space vampire of course. Dissolves in the exploding sunlight.

Buy It!

The Plot: 

Fairly high production values, but the screenwriter and casting director fell flat on their faces with this one. Bill is the only witness to a mysterious UFO which buzzes his hometown, but the next morning he finds it gracing a neighbor's yard as some sort of sculpture. When a team from SETI arrives he gets really excited and has them check it out. While the scientists discuss the object he takes matters into his own hands and chucks a lawn gnome at it. (Which the spaceship promptly absorbs or eats - heck I don't know, swirling green special effects happen.) Unfortunately this alien is not ET, the monster's name is Lord Vlathos and with the power of a giant diamond he plans on absorbing every drop of sunlight, then his people will be free to rule the Earth! Don't ask me about the physics behind absorbing all the sunlight from a huge fusion reaction, I didn't write the darn script. (Let's not forget that without sunlight it would get really damn cold on Earth.) Bill and Hank end up being two of the only people not bitten by the vampires, so they hatch a desperate plan to save the world. It works, the sun's light is set free, the end. The camera work is first rate and the special effects look clean, it's just the acting that gets you every time - even though Bill has some darn amusing lines.

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • Newspaper boys deliver their papers around noon.
  • Spaceships are easily identified by applying the "Lawn Gnome Test." This involves chucking a lawn gnome at it and watching for a reaction.
  • Soccer team parties suck.
  • Vampires need torches to see in the dark.
  • Geode cross sections make handy monitors.
  • Humans turned into space vampires have horrible faces, but the rest of their body is normal.
  • Swiss Army knives are not exactly the best of weapons.
  • Diamonds are easily shattered by dropping them on the floor.
  • Biting the referee is a quick way to get disqualified.

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • 1 min - Why is that car all wet when everything else is dry? Oh well, perhaps someone just washed it, er, at midnight...
  • 2 mins - Car alarms go off and streetlights burst, but nothing happens inside this kid's room.
  • 22 mins - Look at his shadow, definitely noon.
  • 39 mins - I don't think that party looks like much fun anyway.
  • 49 mins - The moon doesn't give off any light of it's own you moron.
  • 60 mins - He made a computer to access the Internet out of a cellular phone, some alligator clips, and an old 286?
  • 63 mins - The A-Team! (You'll have to watch the scene.)
  • 66 mins - This is a high school soccer team? It's terrible...

 Audio clips in wav formatSOUNDSStarving actors speak out 

FileDialog
Green Music Note spacevamps1.wav Danvers: "The humans did not realize the awesome power they had unearthed."
Green Music Note spacevamps2.wav Bill: "So what are we doing in a library? Shouldn't we be out trying something like, I dunno, sharpening stakes or hanging garlic from the streetlight?"
Hank: "Because I am not going to go up and stick a garden stake into that bad boy unless I know he is not going to stick me back."
Green Music Note spacevamps3.wav Vlathos: "Join us now or you will become a midnight snack for my people..."
Green Music Note spacevamps4.wav Hank: "I hate the dark. You can't see anything, and you're always out buying flashlight batteries. It is such a hassle."

 Click for a larger imageIMAGESScenes from the movie 

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 Watch a sceneVIDEOMPEG video files 

Video Clipspacevamps1.mpg - 2.7m
The "Lawn Gnome Test" that can be applied to verify an object is of extraterrestrial origin.

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Comments:Write CommentPages: [1]
Teenage Space Vampires
Reply #1. Posted on March 17, 2000, 09:31:02 AM by Paul Westbrook
Teenage Frankenstein, Teenage Werewolf, Teenage Zombie, and now Teenage Vampires? When does the torture end?
Teenage Space Vampires
Reply #2. Posted on September 12, 2000, 04:49:48 PM by Chris K.
I agree Paul Westbrook, when does this torture end. TEENAGE SPACE VAMPIRES is so childish. And also so bad no wonder it went straight to video.
Teenage Space Vampires
Reply #3. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by grand masta lenerd
You foo's are outta wack. This movie has inspiration and packs quite the wallape. Yeah sure it has teens in it, but we need teens, they are the ones who make the movies look good. We cant just watch old people.  Plus if the makers of this triumph want to broaden their horizon, thus teens are needed.  Those are my sentiments and in conclusion i found this movie to be highly logical and a warning to future generations of the problems we may soon have. Its a comming of age movie that is a sure oscar contender, which is why i give mighty ducks 6 my thumb of approval...wait.TEENAGE SPACE VAMPIRES!! WHAT THE f**k!!! oh most have been that crack i smoked earlier.
Teenage Space Vampires
Reply #4. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Paul Westbrook
I don't honestly know what the filmmakers were thinking when they made this crap. This film should be condemned to whatever movie limbo it came from.
Teenage Space Vampires
Reply #5. Posted on April 21, 2004, 07:44:23 AM by Ghost
When I first saw this movie I couldnt tell if the they were trying to be that stupid I mean look at it, its so canadian.
Re: Teenage Space Vampires
Reply #6. Posted on August 31, 2008, 12:58:59 PM by InformationGeek
Yep, from now on, I'm tossing lawn gomes at objects that I have no clue about.  As for one of those images from the movie, the one with the green headed alien reminds me of something I saw on a Goosebumps episode, The Girl Who Cried Monster.  The only difference was that monster was yellow (Maybe light yellowish green?).  Hmm... maybe the company has the same production values as that TV show, which isn't a good thing.
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FROM THE BADMOVIES.ORG ARCHIVES
ImageThe Giant Claw - Slime drop

Earth is visited by a GIANT ANTIMATTER SPACE BUZZARD! Gawk at the amazingly bad bird puppet, or chuckle over the silly dialog. This is one of the greatest b-movies ever made.

Lesson Learned:
  • Osmosis: os·mo·sis (oz-mo'sis, os-) n., 1. When a bird eats something.

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