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THE CHILDREN - 2 Slimes
Rated R
Copyright 1980 Albright Films
Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 23 May 2001

The Characters:  

  • Sheriff Billy Hart - Resolute and independent man appointed to enforce the law in this remote section of New England. Maybe a little too independent, because calling the State Police barracks when you have a whole busload of kids missing would be prudent. Denied retirement when his flesh roasts off.
  • John - He lacks the fortitude required to chop up children with an axe, including his own, until he realizes two things: 1. They want to kill me. 2. College is going to be expensive by 1990.
  • Cathy - John's pregnant wife who gets my nomination for "Worst Mom in this Film," though it was a close race. Maybe apologizing to your unborn child for smoking is pointless.
  • Dr. Gould - Must be an honorary degree bestowed upon her by the townsfolk for owning the only copy of "Gray's Anatomy" in the county. She really shouldn't wear a bikini, especially after being roasted alive.
  • Molly - Owner of the town general store who does double duty as the radio dispatcher and triple duty as a charred corpse.
  • Harry - Goofy deputy who helps Billy when he is not bedding the farmer's daughter. Somebody please teach this deputy about statutory rape (I think she was supposed to be that young). Oops, hold that thought, he dies.
  • The Shore Family, Leslie, Fred, Susie, and others - Fried, fried, fried, fried, and fried!
  • The Children - Turned into killing monsters by a cloud of gas that escaped from a nearby nuclear plant. Sent back to the hell that spawned them by Billy and John's grisly efforts.

Buy It!

The Plot: 

When workers at the local nuclear plant decide the local bar just won't wait, even if some gauges are being wacky, we know bad things are going to happen. Hoodlums are going to set off yellow smoke grenades! No, that's not right. Leaking pipes are going to release some sort of strange gas into the air! That's the ticket! Anyway, this brightly colored blanket of noxious fumes somehow escapes the notice of any neighbors before moving on.

The cloud of gas is carried along by brisk winds and just happens to engulf a bus bringing schoolchildren home in Ravensback. Sheriff Hart finds the empty bus, still running, but neither the driver nor passengers are in sight. He then begins nonchalantly driving around and asking people if they have seen anything. Pretty odd reaction, you would think he might get on the radio right away. Be advised that the radios are largely forgotten by any of the characters during this film. Do not make the mistake of thinking that he is looking for a Dunkin' Donuts either. Billy could lose a couple pounds and still outweigh me, but that bulk is undoubtedly cornbread, dumplings, and mutton.

Arriving at the town general store, our unflappable lawman deputizes two of the least responsible people available. Hank and Frank drive out to the Interstate and set up a roadblock, then start passing around a bottle of hooch. An obvious good judgment call by the sheriff there. He turns a blind eye to several indiscretions while driving around though, whether it be Mrs. Shore toking on a joint while they talk or poached fowl being sold to Molly.

Indifference must be contagious, because none of the yokels have noticed that their kids are several hours late in returning from school. Hard to swallow at the least. Come to think of it, we're already choking on the fact that all the phones are out. Better hurry up and get the appetizer down, I've another whole plateful coming.

Ravensback's children have been turned into deadly killers by the contaminated cloud! With wane complexions and black fingernails they are seeking out and killing anyone they can find. Mere contact with those soiled hands causes flesh to crisp and peel away from the body! Unfortunately we all know what adults do upon finding a lost child; they sweep them into a reassuring hug. In this case that means agonizing death as third degree burns cover every inch of the victim's body. Luckily being broiled does not affect clothing, even something flammable like polyester. The next owner might have a big dry cleaning bill on their hands, but your leisure suit will be un-scorched (just remember to take it off before going in the sauna).

Along with devilish powers of molecular agitation, the cute little youngsters gained invulnerability to most physical harm. Sheriff Hart saves John's life (although he will not be using that hand any time soon), but is horrified when the monsters keep coming despite his blazing pistol. Fortune shines upon our helpless adults when Billy grabs a replica samurai sword from the wall and chops off one child's hands, killing it instantly.

Okay, sure. The wild card mutation gave them the power to incinerate flesh and moved all their vital organs to an extremity. Armed with hacking instruments, the two men go out to the barn (for some reason the kids congregated out there) and chop off all the children's hands. Isaac Hayes is nowhere in sight.

The acting was not awful, but a few times I wanted to stuff one of the offending thespians into a car trunk. Most of the cars in the movie were enormous, so several actors could probably fit in the sheriff's alone. Mainly you should watch it for the sheer ludicrous premise. Two grown men chopping off children's hands! Were you not Catholic that would still be something to use a confessional for.

PS: If you didn't see the "Gotcha" ending coming then you need a stick and canine companion.

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • Nuclear power plant's safety and maintenance crews are comprised of rednecks; two of them.
  • Finding an empty school bus, apparently abandoned in a hurry, will not worry a police officer.
  • Being a good parent involves codeine.
  • There are times when hugging your kid is the wrong thing to do.
  • Shooting a broiled dog is just as effective, if not more so, than beating a dead horse.
  • Playing tag with a mutant is a game of life and death.
  • Kids come apart easier than boiled chicken.

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • 1 min - And the scaffolding carries the scene.
  • 6 mins - You bunch of little suck-ups!
  • 21 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
  • 30 mins - Go around her. What is so difficult about this simple solution to your traffic problem?
  • 39 mins - It must get dark really fast where they live.
  • 51 mins - Billy has to be three or four times her weight. Granted, she can burn him to a cinder, but he doesn't know that yet.
  • 69 mins - Oh sure, it'll go away eventually. What do you think this is? Chickenpox?
  • 74 mins - Is the person in charge of lighting on strike? Pay the man his wages so that we can all see the movie.

 Audio clips in wav formatSOUNDSStarving actors speak out 

FileDialog
Green Music Note thechildren1.wav Harry: "Molly, come in."
Molly: "Yeah Harry?"
Harry: "I found the kids!"
Molly: "Thank the Lord! Are they all right?"
Harry: "They look scared is all."
Green Music Note thechildren2.wav John: "Billy, when you fired, did you hit that kid?"
Billy: "Yeah, I couldn't have missed him."
John: "You must've."
Billy: "I don't see how!"
Green Music Note thechildren3.wav Cathy: "The children! Have you both gone mad? He was shooting the children!"
Green Music Note thechildren4.wav Billy: "Bullets have no effect on them. John, we've got to cut off their hands! That's where they're vulnerable!"

 Click for a larger imageIMAGESScenes from the movie 

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 Watch a sceneVIDEOMPEG video files 

Video Clipthechildren1.mpg - 2.5m
Kids always burn the first few meals they try to prepare. Mom was supposed to be cooked at four hundred for sixty minutes, then baste again and add the remainder to the pan.

Aww forget it. Ouch. Ouch I say!

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Comments:Write CommentPages: 1 2 [3] 4 5
The Children
Reply #17. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by AcidXian
This is one of my favorite low-budget trash flicks and was probably the last gasp of twisted 70s horror cinema (even though it was released in 1980) before slasher movies took over.  This was the kind of movie you'd go to see at the drive-in as the second film on a double bill with a much better movie.  One of my fondest memories from childhood is seeing short trailers for films like "The Children" on television, and then plotting on how I would get to see them.  Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your viewpoint), films like this don't really get made anymore, so we'll have to cherish films like "The Children".
The Children
Reply #18. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by DoesItMatter?
The other day my little granddaughter (22 months old) kept smiling and coming at me with her hands out, acting like she was all sweet and everything. But she really wanted to bite my shoulder. She was relentless in her pursuit to bite me. First thing I did - I checked her fingernails to see if they were black!!!! It's been 22 years since I've seen this movie, and I was pregnant with my gdd's mother at the time! I told my granddaughter that if she started saying, "mama" in that weird way, that I was going to chop her hands off. So, naturally, she started saying it. It's kinda freaky to see your 22 mo old granddaughter coming at you with her hands outstretched, saying, "mama!" Knowing good and well that all she wanted to do was be mean!
Do you think she is one of "The" children?
The Children
Reply #19. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by BloodyJockstrapofDOOM!!!!
I had to comment here...i have loved this movie since i was very young!Here let me set the scene: evening household sometime during the schoolyear in 1980...i was a 5 year old kid goin into first grade and i was pretty much able to decern for myself what i wanted to watch on television even at that age but in the case of The Children i think my parents were actually going to watch anyway so..i sat there eating a sandwich and drinking a Dr.Pepper too.
heheheh how can you remember this so vividly? man i couldnt say...the movie did sortof frighten me at the time but it was also in that same year i would see the elephant man and i think i had watched salems lot the year before...yeh a 4 year old watching that..anyway its a weird parallel when your scred but thourally enjoy the feeling of being scared-THATS ME!!
so anyway,i also remember a time that same year at school being made to stay after school because i didnt understand the paper we were supposed to work on...that b***h Mrs Woodworth not only yelled at me when i was the only kid there but also couldnt be bothered to call my mom and tell her where i was so when i didnt come home my mom called the school...and she was hella p**sed at her which i enjoyed her hitting the roof when i said she already had spanked me!
but anyway...my point of this movie was after i got the ass whiping i totally ignored the teacher and took my trusty #02 pencil and started to colour in my fingernails maybe in some vauge hope i could get that flesh burning effect i so desperatly needed at that moment...unfortunatly it didnt work out to my hoped specificaltion...but that movie made a BIG impression on me and always loved it...i do remember taping it back in the very early 90s when it was on saturday nightmares and also seeing it on Comander USA's Groovie Movies(i watched him religiously ever Sat at noon sharp!!!)heheheh i was also a KISS fan and as a kid noticed that some members also wore black fingernail polish...i wondered if they saw the movie too,which now obviously i know better...tons of people wore it in rock...but none the less i pictured Gene $immons and Ace Frehley sizzling evil non fans of KISS to pizza equivilant!!! FUN FUN FUN!!! thanks for reading my rambling and zombie stumble down my childhood memories.....oh and i have plans as a young film maker to try to remake this film if i can get clearence fromm Rhino:)) scared yet?
The Children
Reply #20. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Seiferzangel
Wow, I can't believe I found this website. I first saw "The Children" back when I was a little girl growing in up in Russia on a Russian channel that showed American movies. The movie has haunted me ever since. Any time anyone asks me what's the scariest movie I have ever seen, I have to say "The Children".  It scared the living hell out of me when I saw it. My grandmother let me watch the channel when my mom was away. Boy, I bet she regretted that considering I woke up screaming with nightmares for over a month since seeing the movie. Looking at the clip and the screen shots now, I think how cheesy, but that was one scary movie when you are seven years old. I thought if I fell asleep I would wake up with those five kids standing over me, extending their little arms, showing me their creepy black fingernails. *shudders* I am so glad that so many people relate to how I felt about this movie.  Does anyone know where I can get a copy of it besides Amazon? Is it available on the internet anywhere? I am going to see the Dawn of the Dead in theaters this weekend. I can only hope it will scare me as much as "the Children." Well, then again, maybe not... :-)
The Children
Reply #21. Posted on August 21, 2004, 12:31:29 PM by Jason
Ah, those great memories of lazy Saturday afternoons watching this and several other B-movies on USA many years ago. Hopefully, The Horror Channel that launches in October can recapture some of that horror movie magic.
The Children
Reply #22. Posted on September 07, 2004, 02:00:41 PM by Greg
I loved this movie.  I miss the old B horror movies.  Go to the theater sometime and see the lousy stuff being put out now...........
The Children
Reply #23. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by moviecollector
well, yesterday I went to a Half-priced used video/cd/video game store & guess what movie I saw there? :)

My jaw dropped in amazement when I looked on the top shelf in the Horror video section. I quickly grabbed this movie & found out it was only $3
To think, I've seen this go up to $20 & more on Ebay, I found it for only $3

Now, I've never seen this b4, I wasnt fortunate like some people here to see it as a child.
So, I watched it last night & thought it was pretty fun & it had its creepy moments too.

Of course, the acting is bad & the dialogue is cheesy in spots, but damn it, I really enjoyed this movie. It was definately worth spending $3 on.  
The Children
Reply #24. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by James
Thank you all! I love evrey single one of you! lol I have been trying to figure out the name of this movie for many, many years, ever since I saw part of this movie when I was a little kid late night on TNT. I remembered nothing else but those two facts: the kids had black fingernails, and it was shown on TNT. FInally, the Mystery of the Two Movies has been completely solved! It was this one and DOn't BE Afraid of the Dark, another movie that I couldn't remember the name of, but I did remember that it had little creatures that didn't like the light, and at the end, the woman got dragged down a chimney. Now if I can just get these two classics on DVD...
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