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TRANSYLVANIA 6-5000 - 2 Slimes
Rated PG
Copyright 1985 New World Pictures
Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'

The Characters:  

  • Jack - Jeff Goldblum! A sophisticated reporter who hates working for the tabloid.
  • Gil - Jack's partner, he is sort of related to the boss.
  • Elizabeth and Laura - Woman on vacation in Transylvania with her daughter, Jack wouldn't mind helping mother make another.
  • Radu and Lupu - Pair of subseviant servants, it's quite fun to watch them bicker.
  • Odette - Geena Davis! Nyphomanic who thinks she's a vampire. I still can't figure out how they kept her breasts from falling out in that outfit without using glue.
  • Dr. Malavaqua - Mad scientist at heart who is either treating or has treated all the monsters wandering around.
  • Fejos - Kramer! (Oh sure, you call him Mr. Richards by default.) Seriously unbalanced servant.
  • The Mayor and Inspector - Two corrupt public servants.
  • Madame Morovia - Old gypsy who has a cheating husband. (I'm not going to make the joke about her seeing that coming.)
  • Frankenstein - Actually a guy named Hunyadi, patched together with spare compact auto parts.
  • The Wolfman, the Mummy, and Pretzel Boy - Just a few more freaks, though the Mummy would have been interesting with a few less bandages.

Buy It!

The Plot: 

Arguably not a b-movie, but borrowing large amounts of material from the genre, I'm going to review it anyway. There are plenty of good ingredients for this bucket of stew, just look at that cast of characters. Jack and Gil are sent on assignment to Transylvania by their editor. (They work for a tabloid.) While searching for Frankenstein they encounter the not-so-well-adjusted inhabitants, including my favorites Radu and Lupi. There's nothing quite like a hunchback who is desperately trying to avoid is "helpful" wife for a laugh. (I was a little frightened when she was coyley hinting at being naked for him, actually picked up the box to assure myself it said PG.) Fejos is another riot, one moment he's sticking fake limbs between the door and frame, the next it's time to smell everything. "Here, smell the glass, is good yes?" What's surprising is that the two goofy reporters learn Frankenstein is real, Dr. Malavaqua being the resident mad scientist. Let me rephrase that, he's a part time mad scientist only trying to help people on a limited budget. It seems the Mayor and Inspector are siphoning off the public medical funds to line their own pockets, forcing Malavaqua into using spare car parts on his patients. Hunyadi (Hyundai?) at least, I can't imagine Odette having any Japanese parts in her, not that she would mind you understand. After a brief ruckus when Gil runs into pretty much every freak in the forest, subsequenty rides the Wolfman piggyback, and Frank rescues him there is one hurdle left. Convincing Transylvania's townspeople not to grab torches and burn the "monsters" just for old times. Elizabeth proves remarkably helpful in deterring them, as only a crazed single mother holding broken glass can.

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • Tabloid editors are into amatuer scatology.
  • It's difficult to take someone seriously when they're wearing a sweater with multicolored triangles on it.
  • Jeff Goldblum must have darn good hearing. (Look at him face on, you'll get it.)
  • Cultures the world over quote American sayings, sometimes badly.
  • The last thing you expect in a wine glass is lemon juice.
  • Gypsies go through lots of tables.
  • Give some butch European woman a crop and they immediately start whacking a guy across the butt with it.
  • Lycanthropy is easily cured with Nair.

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • 2 mins - I sure hope alien creatures aren't using my body for sex while I sleep.
  • 12 mins - At some point in that woman's family tree there is a horse.
  • 14 mins - Kramer!
  • 15 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A DOLL!
  • 33 mins - Now there is some unnecessary verbal imagry.
  • 36 mins - Is he using a curtain as a blanket?
  • 69 mins - The Lady of the Lake is feeling Gil up!
  • 89 mins - Hello Mummy...
  • 90 mins - Baby Igor, oh good.

 Audio clips in wav formatSOUNDSStarving actors speak out 

FileDialog
Green Music Note transylvania1.wav Jack: "Mack, this is crap."
Mack: "Crap? I like crap; I love crap; I need crap! Crap is what sells newspapers. Look around you, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap!"
Gil: "May I say, I have no problem with crap."
Green Music Note transylvania2.wav Lupi: "Yes Master"
Radu: "I am not your master, you are my wife!"
Lupi: "Right, I'm your wife master!"
Radu: "Go away Lupi, I can not stand subordinates."
Lupi: "Neither can I, I'll stay away."
Green Music Note transylvania3.wav Radu: "Once and for all, stay away from me, don't touch me, leave me alone..."
Green Music Note transylvania4.wav Odette: "Oh I love him so much it hurts."
Malavaqua: "What do you know about love nymphonese? If I didn't have you chained to the wall no man in this town would be safe! Stop that, I'm your doctor, get against the wall!"
Green Music NoteTheme Song Listen to a clip from the soundtrack.

 Click for a larger imageIMAGESScenes from the movie 

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 Watch a sceneVIDEOMPEG video files 

Video Cliptransylvania1.mpg - 2.0m
Odette is looking for something to suck.

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Comments:Write CommentPages: [1] 2
Transylvania 6-5000
Reply #1. Posted on March 06, 2000, 07:58:34 PM by Stefan Robak
I noticed that Ed Beagly Jr. is in it.  If you thought this was bad you should check out the So-called "comedy" With E.B. Jr. called Meet the Applegates.  It's terrible.
Transylvania 6-5000
Reply #2. Posted on May 16, 2000, 02:30:05 AM by Linda Bates
Ok, it does have it's corny spots, but it also has some good original comedy. Such as, breaking into the insane asylum, um..then out again. I loved it.
Transylvania 6-5000
Reply #3. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Canadaphile
I actually PAID (well, my boyfriend at the time did) to see this movie in the theater.  AND I stayed until the end!  Not the all-time worst movie I've seen, but pretty dumb.
Transylvania 6-5000
Reply #4. Posted on September 12, 2000, 02:54:47 PM by Devin
Geena Davis as a scantily-clad nymphomaniac vampire.  This might just be the best movie ever made.
Transylvania 6-5000
Reply #5. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by AlphaWoolf
I know a lot of genre fans like this movie, but I absolutely hate it.  For having such a talented cast it is incredibly flat and boring.  The whole thing seems like a home video by some talented actors vacationing in Romania.  Hey, at least they got to travel a bit for this one.  Now that this web site (awesome, btw) has posted that Geena Davis MPEG, I never have any reason to see this "film" again.
Transylvania 6-5000
Reply #6. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by caz
This is one of my favourite movies of all time. There are so many classic characters. YOu just have to be in the mood to laught at ridiculous stuff. Don't take it too seriously, its great!
Transylvania 6-5000
Reply #7. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Randall Frost
My best friend paid to see this yawner at the theater. To this day, we've blamed one another for choosing to see this movie. "No, you picked it. No, you did."

I've always been a big Jeff Goldblum fan (you've got to love him as the devil in "Mr. Frost"--very cool!), but this movie like eating lead paint chips.

Anyway, I think it's the presence of Ed Begley, Jr. that sucked any potential joy out of this movie. Instant annoyance. Geena Davis (and her fine body) saves the film, though--hey, I was a teenager at the time!
Transylvania 6-5000
Reply #8. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Swamprat
Ho-Hum...Where did this go wrong? This cast, this production quality, this slick written parody? It's just boring. Like Neal Simon's Murder By Death a few years earlier, it should have been so good, but just fell flat. I can't say I  hated either film, but I can't say either one is really enjoyable. They're just there. The only highlight is of course Michael Richards bizzare character, but that wierdo persona is his trademark, he's been doing that same shtick all the way back to the old Fridays TV show...(Remember that lame, but sometimes funny, short lived Saturday Night Live clone?) He is, as always, hilarious. Think of him as his Sienfeld character Kramer with an obscure Eastern European accent and you've pretty well got his role in this movie pegged. Other than that, this thing isn't worth owning a copy. Rent it...It is watchable, at times even mildly amusing...but don't be surprised if you find yourself scratching your head afterward.
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