TRANSYLVANIA 6-5000
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| Rated PG
| | Copyright 1985 New World Pictures
| | Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'
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- Jack - Jeff Goldblum! A sophisticated reporter who hates working for the tabloid.
- Gil - Jack's partner, he is sort of related to the boss.
- Elizabeth and Laura - Woman on vacation in Transylvania with her daughter, Jack wouldn't mind helping mother make another.
- Radu and Lupu - Pair of subseviant servants, it's quite fun to watch them bicker.
- Odette - Geena Davis! Nyphomanic who thinks she's a vampire. I still can't figure out how they kept her breasts from falling out in that outfit without using glue.
- Dr. Malavaqua - Mad scientist at heart who is either treating or has treated all the monsters wandering around.
- Fejos - Kramer! (Oh sure, you call him Mr. Richards by default.) Seriously unbalanced servant.
- The Mayor and Inspector - Two corrupt public servants.
- Madame Morovia - Old gypsy who has a cheating husband. (I'm not going to make the joke about her seeing that coming.)
- Frankenstein - Actually a guy named Hunyadi, patched together with spare compact auto parts.
- The Wolfman, the Mummy, and Pretzel Boy - Just a few more freaks, though the Mummy would have been interesting with a few less bandages.
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| Arguably not a b-movie, but borrowing large amounts of material from the genre, I'm going to review it anyway. There are plenty of good ingredients for this bucket of stew, just look at that cast of characters. Jack and Gil are sent on assignment to Transylvania by their editor. (They work for a tabloid.) While searching for Frankenstein they encounter the not-so-well-adjusted inhabitants, including my favorites Radu and Lupi. There's nothing quite like a hunchback who is desperately trying to avoid is "helpful" wife for a laugh. (I was a little frightened when she was coyley hinting at being naked for him, actually picked up the box to assure myself it said PG.) Fejos is another riot, one moment he's sticking fake limbs between the door and frame, the next it's time to smell everything. "Here, smell the glass, is good yes?" What's surprising is that the two goofy reporters learn Frankenstein is real, Dr. Malavaqua being the resident mad scientist. Let me rephrase that, he's a part time mad scientist only trying to help people on a limited budget. It seems the Mayor and Inspector are siphoning off the public medical funds to line their own pockets, forcing Malavaqua into using spare car parts on his patients. Hunyadi (Hyundai?) at least, I can't imagine Odette having any Japanese parts in her, not that she would mind you understand. After a brief ruckus when Gil runs into pretty much every freak in the forest, subsequenty rides the Wolfman piggyback, and Frank rescues him there is one hurdle left. Convincing Transylvania's townspeople not to grab torches and burn the "monsters" just for old times. Elizabeth proves remarkably helpful in deterring them, as only a crazed single mother holding broken glass can. |
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| Things I Learned From This Movie: | |
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- Tabloid editors are into amatuer scatology.
- It's difficult to take someone seriously when they're wearing a sweater with multicolored triangles on it.
- Jeff Goldblum must have darn good hearing. (Look at him face on, you'll get it.)
- Cultures the world over quote American sayings, sometimes badly.
- The last thing you expect in a wine glass is lemon juice.
- Gypsies go through lots of tables.
- Give some butch European woman a crop and they immediately start whacking a guy across the butt with it.
- Lycanthropy is easily cured with Nair.
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- 2 mins - I sure hope alien creatures aren't using my body for sex while I sleep.
- 12 mins - At some point in that woman's family tree there is a horse.
- 14 mins - Kramer!
- 15 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A DOLL!
- 33 mins - Now there is some unnecessary verbal imagry.
- 36 mins - Is he using a curtain as a blanket?
- 69 mins - The Lady of the Lake is feeling Gil up!
- 89 mins - Hello Mummy...
- 90 mins - Baby Igor, oh good.
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| | Audio clips in wav format | SOUNDS | Starving actors speak out | |
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| File | Dialog |  | transylvania1.wav
| Jack: "Mack, this is crap."
Mack: "Crap? I like crap; I love crap; I need crap! Crap is what sells newspapers. Look around you, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap!"
Gil: "May I say, I have no problem with crap."
| | transylvania2.wav
| Lupi: "Yes Master"
Radu: "I am not your master, you are my wife!"
Lupi: "Right, I'm your wife master!"
Radu: "Go away Lupi, I can not stand subordinates."
Lupi: "Neither can I, I'll stay away."
| | transylvania3.wav
| Radu: "Once and for all, stay away from me, don't touch me, leave me alone..."
| | transylvania4.wav
| Odette: "Oh I love him so much it hurts."
Malavaqua: "What do you know about love nymphonese? If I didn't have you chained to the wall no man in this town would be safe! Stop that, I'm your doctor, get against the wall!"
| | Theme Song | Listen to a clip from the soundtrack. | |
| | Click for a larger image | IMAGES | Scenes from the movie | |
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| | Watch a scene | VIDEO | MPEG video files | |
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| | Leave a comment | EXTRAS | Buy the movie | |
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