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TROLL II - 2 Slimes
Rated PG-13
Copyright 1992 Filmirage
Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'

The Characters:  

  • Joshua - Freaky little kid who wears a constant look of constipation, plus his face is always sweating in an unpleasant manner.
  • Seth - Joshua's grandfather that recently passed away. A guardian angel trying to save his family from the evil Goblins.
  • Holly - Joshua's sister, she is one of the annoying girls that hates her boyfriend having any social life outside of their relationship. I certainly hope she took two classes after this film: acting and dancing.
  • Elliot - Holly's boyfriend, one of the few teenagers you will ever see driving an RV.
  • Michael and Diane - Joshua's parents, they spend the first half of the film wondering how the kid they raised turned out so screwed up. Diane turns into a vegetable casserole.
  • Arnold, Drew, and Brent - Elliot's friends. Killed by a variety of goofy means, including being smothered in popcorn.
  • Creedence - Witch of some sort, I'm guessing the goofy kind. Her mastery of a mystical stone, supposedly from Stonehenge, provides the Goblins with their power.
  • The Goblins - Evil vegetarian shapechangers.

Buy It!

The Plot: 

We pick up the story with a happy family preparing to go on a trip. Happy might be stretching the facts a little, there are a few minor issues. Joshua is having long talks with his dead grandfather about evil creatures called Goblins, while Holly and Elliot play out dramatic scenes reminiscent of "Romeo and Juliet." Problem is, this writer was hardly Shakespeare and these two boobs would get thrown out of most high school casting calls. Especially monotone girl.

So what is a Goblin? Well, a goblin is either a midget or young child wearing "yea olde peasant garb" (with pillows stuffed underneath) and a Halloween mask. Don't get me wrong, a few are fairly impressive, but they are still static masks.

The family travels to a town called Nilbog (Look at that, isn't that clever? Boy that's clever.) to trade places with another family. Nothing like living in an old farmhouse while the rude and unwashed farmers roll around in your bed. Elliot and friends set up camp on a back road near the town.

Soon things are going wrong and Joshua can not convince his parents that the townsfolk are really Goblins! Drinking or consuming even the slightest bit of food from them will convert your flesh into messy plant matter! Everyone except Joshua is about to partake of the feast, things look quite hopeless.

Grandfather Seth saves the day again when he shows up, for a dead guy he sure gets around. Despite having a good ax and Molotov cocktail on hand we notice one other special weapon. Can you guess what it is? I will give you a few hints: it is red, it is cylindrical, and it is full of carbon dioxide.

Mom and dad barricade the doors after seeing what the townsfolk really are, but for some reason our little bowel-retaining hero disappears during an impromptu seance. He awakens in the Goblins' lair, with gramps (in attendance again) providing incomplete instructions on defeating the creatures. Meanwhile everyone else runs through the house while midgets jump out of dark corners, finally ending up at the Goblins' lair too.

"Troll II" starts off fine, I even found portions quite entertaining. After twenty minutes it settles into a mind numbing journey. I imagine many rental clerks wonder why this movie is returned not rewound, probably abandoned around the same mysterious point like some cinematic Mary Celeste. Fear not my stalwart viewers, if you can suffer through it, the movie does end. 'Tis a silly twist ending, but a blessed, blessed ending none the less.

Last Note: If I had been forced to watch Holly dance or recite (and I do mean recite) her lines once more then this film might have remained upon my reference shelf, stopped at some mysterious point in the middle, until the end of time.

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • Most fairy tales include bubblegum 80's music.
  • Watergate salad will turn you into vegetable matter.
  • Fathers cut off and then dine upon the genitalia of immature males, often the ones dating their daughter.
  • The only way to keep people from eating food is by urinating on it.
  • Sometimes scenes added to pad the film are not just useless, sometimes they are annoying.
  • Sour milk is not the best thing to quench your thirst.
  • Vegetarians never develop hemorrhoids.
  • Few things are more erotic than a woman with an ear of corn.
  • Vegetarians will flee from a baloney sandwich just like Dracula must avoid a brandished crucifix.

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • 8 mins - Yeah, but your imaginary friend wasn't your dead grandfather.
  • 13 mins - Stop traumatizing your son by making him sing and turn on the radio.
  • 20 mins - Now there is a neat housewarming present, have to remember that for the next time I move.
  • 39 mins - Since when do young heterosexual males sleep in the same bed? Especially one that small.
  • 62 mins - What sort of diabetic's nightmare is this? After not eating for a few days I'd want a hamburger, steak, or something other than all those pastries.
  • 66 mins - Grandpa went to Hell?
  • 72 mins - Due to her brandishing an ear of corn and that flashy music playing I had brief doubts about the PG-13 rating.
  • 84 mins - Objects in this mirror may be uglier than they appear.

 Audio clips in wav formatSOUNDSStarving actors speak out 

Green Music Note trollii1.wav Seth: "Goblins still exist! Your grandpa Seth is telling you."
Green Music Note trollii2.wav Michael: "When I was a kid, I had an imaginary playmate too."
Diane: "But it wasn't your dead grandfather."
Green Music Note trollii3.wav Elliot: "Are you nuts? You trying to turn me into a homo?"
Holly: "Wouldn't be too hard, if my father discovers you here he'd cut off your little nuts and eat them. He can't stand you!"
Green Music Note trollii4.wav Joshua: "Don't you see, only the power of goodness can destroy these monsters!"
Green Music NoteTheme Song Listen to a clip from the soundtrack.

 Click for a larger imageIMAGESScenes from the movie 


 Watch a sceneVIDEOMPEG video files 

Video Cliptrollii1.mpg - 2.7m
It is bad enough that these vegetarian creatures feed you a potion that turns flesh into cabbage (or something), but they also eat with their hands. How did you like his acting talent by the way, think he had many offers for leading roles after this movie?

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Comments:Write CommentPages: [1] 2 3 ... 9
Troll II
Reply #1. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Jason W.

"Never mind her...DRINK YOUR BROTH!"
"Open your mouth my little friend."
"We were just givin' him some ice cream."
"Is that the voice of your dead grandfather?"..."yeeessss!"
"Green...the color of sap!" (Sap is green?)

Suffice to say, every line of diologue is a work of art. Brava Nilbog...brava Troll 2.
Troll II
Reply #2. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by A.
The movie looks like it sucks... but that theme song... my God, it's awesome!  It's so Depeche Mode-esque!  I can't resist a movie (no matter how bad it is) that has rockin' synth music as as good as that!  My new goal is to find "Troll II."
Troll II
Reply #3. Posted on August 24, 2000, 01:36:11 PM by Greywizard
Believe me, this movie is hysterical! It's so incredibly inept, it has to be seen to be believed! Just take a look at the user comments at the IMDB.

Anyone want to start a petition to get this released on DVD?
Troll II
Reply #4. Posted on August 30, 2000, 06:29:27 PM by SJ Payne
I can't beleive it!  They actually made a movie worse then the original Troll!  The first Troll was bad, but at least it had the benefit of a few stars, including, (gasp!) Sonny Bono!  This is just downright terrible.  Only watch this if your a struggling b-movie screenwriter whose trying to convince himself that there are worse things out then then your script!
Troll II
Reply #5. Posted on August 30, 2000, 08:27:26 PM by Mofo Rising
I really enjoyed this movie.  It's amazing that out of all the acting choices these people could have made, they always pick the worst one.  Except, of course, for the kid's joyful cry of discovery, "A double-decker baloney sandwich!"  Great movie.

"Stop arguing!  Josh, start singing!  Sing that song I like!"
"Row row row your boat. . ."
Troll II
Reply #6. Posted on August 31, 2000, 02:37:50 PM by Just some old nobody
Waitaminute - the movie is called Troll II, but the only non-human characters are goblins?  Makes a heck of a lot of sense to call this "Troll II", don't it?  That's like saying Disney's first choice of a title for "The Little Mermaid" was "The Creature From The Black Lagoon".
Troll II
Reply #7. Posted on September 02, 2000, 04:53:32 PM by Bender
Hilarious bad movie.

"they're eating her and then they're going to eat me...oh my god!!!!!!!!!!"

"I'm tightening my belt by one loop so I won't feel hunger pains"

"Go away Monsters"

"Nilbog! It's Goblin spelled backwards!!!!!!!!"

"Stop the car dad I feel sick!"

"My father's gonna cut up your little nuts and eat them"

Troll II also has some of the worst acting ever captured on film.

Troll II
Reply #8. Posted on September 01, 2000, 02:17:49 PM by Demonicuss
Aww man, this stinker is what got me started on Bad Films (and at the tender age of ten no less!).  Let us give a brief moment of silent comtemplation before we verbally rip this one a new hole.  I mean, there ain't no freaking 'Trolls' in the damn flick!!!  Besidea, the acting, script, plot, locations, aw hell, the whole film's a stinker lurking on the shelf, waiting for some poor sucker looking for a good Troll movie.

Watch only if you have been prepared (you know, seen 10 hours straight of MST3k)
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