TROLL II
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| Rated PG-13
| | Copyright 1992 Filmirage
| | Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'
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- Joshua - Freaky little kid who wears a constant look of constipation, plus his face is always sweating in an unpleasant manner.
- Seth - Joshua's grandfather that recently passed away. A guardian angel trying to save his family from the evil Goblins.
- Holly - Joshua's sister, she is one of the annoying girls that hates her boyfriend having any social life outside of their relationship. I certainly hope she took two classes after this film: acting and dancing.
- Elliot - Holly's boyfriend, one of the few teenagers you will ever see driving an RV.
- Michael and Diane - Joshua's parents, they spend the first half of the film wondering how the kid they raised turned out so screwed up. Diane turns into a vegetable casserole.
- Arnold, Drew, and Brent - Elliot's friends. Killed by a variety of goofy means, including being smothered in popcorn.
- Creedence - Witch of some sort, I'm guessing the goofy kind. Her mastery of a mystical stone, supposedly from Stonehenge, provides the Goblins with their power.
- The Goblins - Evil vegetarian shapechangers.
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We pick up the story with a happy family preparing to go on a trip. Happy might be stretching the facts a little, there are a few minor issues. Joshua is having long talks with his dead grandfather about evil creatures called Goblins, while Holly and Elliot play out dramatic scenes reminiscent of "Romeo and Juliet." Problem is, this writer was hardly Shakespeare and these two boobs would get thrown out of most high school casting calls. Especially monotone girl.
So what is a Goblin? Well, a goblin is either a midget or young child wearing "yea olde peasant garb" (with pillows stuffed underneath) and a Halloween mask. Don't get me wrong, a few are fairly impressive, but they are still static masks.
The family travels to a town called Nilbog (Look at that, isn't that clever? Boy that's clever.) to trade places with another family. Nothing like living in an old farmhouse while the rude and unwashed farmers roll around in your bed. Elliot and friends set up camp on a back road near the town.
Soon things are going wrong and Joshua can not convince his parents that the townsfolk are really Goblins! Drinking or consuming even the slightest bit of food from them will convert your flesh into messy plant matter! Everyone except Joshua is about to partake of the feast, things look quite hopeless.
Grandfather Seth saves the day again when he shows up, for a dead guy he sure gets around. Despite having a good ax and Molotov cocktail on hand we notice one other special weapon. Can you guess what it is? I will give you a few hints: it is red, it is cylindrical, and it is full of carbon dioxide.
Mom and dad barricade the doors after seeing what the townsfolk really are, but for some reason our little bowel-retaining hero disappears during an impromptu seance. He awakens in the Goblins' lair, with gramps (in attendance again) providing incomplete instructions on defeating the creatures. Meanwhile everyone else runs through the house while midgets jump out of dark corners, finally ending up at the Goblins' lair too.
"Troll II" starts off fine, I even found portions quite entertaining. After twenty minutes it settles into a mind numbing journey. I imagine many rental clerks wonder why this movie is returned not rewound, probably abandoned around the same mysterious point like some cinematic Mary Celeste. Fear not my stalwart viewers, if you can suffer through it, the movie does end. 'Tis a silly twist ending, but a blessed, blessed ending none the less.
Last Note: If I had been forced to watch Holly dance or recite (and I do mean recite) her lines once more then this film might have remained upon my reference shelf, stopped at some mysterious point in the middle, until the end of time. |
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| Things I Learned From This Movie: | |
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- Most fairy tales include bubblegum 80's music.
- Watergate salad will turn you into vegetable matter.
- Fathers cut off and then dine upon the genitalia of immature males, often the ones dating their daughter.
- The only way to keep people from eating food is by urinating on it.
- Sometimes scenes added to pad the film are not just useless, sometimes they are annoying.
- Sour milk is not the best thing to quench your thirst.
- Vegetarians never develop hemorrhoids.
- Few things are more erotic than a woman with an ear of corn.
- Vegetarians will flee from a baloney sandwich just like Dracula must avoid a brandished crucifix.
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- 8 mins - Yeah, but your imaginary friend wasn't your dead grandfather.
- 13 mins - Stop traumatizing your son by making him sing and turn on the radio.
- 20 mins - Now there is a neat housewarming present, have to remember that for the next time I move.
- 39 mins - Since when do young heterosexual males sleep in the same bed? Especially one that small.
- 51 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A BAD ACTOR!
- 62 mins - What sort of diabetic's nightmare is this? After not eating for a few days I'd want a hamburger, steak, or something other than all those pastries.
- 66 mins - Grandpa went to Hell?
- 72 mins - Due to her brandishing an ear of corn and that flashy music playing I had brief doubts about the PG-13 rating.
- 84 mins - Objects in this mirror may be uglier than they appear.
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| | Audio clips in wav format | SOUNDS | Starving actors speak out | |
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| File | Dialog |  | trollii1.wav
| Seth: "Goblins still exist! Your grandpa Seth is telling you."
| | trollii2.wav
| Michael: "When I was a kid, I had an imaginary playmate too."
Diane: "But it wasn't your dead grandfather."
| | trollii3.wav
| Elliot: "Are you nuts? You trying to turn me into a homo?"
Holly: "Wouldn't be too hard, if my father discovers you here he'd cut off your little nuts and eat them. He can't stand you!"
| | trollii4.wav
| Joshua: "Don't you see, only the power of goodness can destroy these monsters!"
| | Theme Song | Listen to a clip from the soundtrack. | |
| | Click for a larger image | IMAGES | Scenes from the movie | |
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| | Watch a scene | VIDEO | MPEG video files | |
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 | trollii1.mpg
- 2.7m
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| It is bad enough that these vegetarian creatures feed you a potion that turns flesh into cabbage (or something), but they also eat with their hands. How did you like his acting talent by the way, think he had many offers for leading roles after this movie?
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| | Leave a comment | EXTRAS | Buy the movie | |
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