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TROLL II - 2 Slimes
Rated PG-13
Copyright 1992 Filmirage
Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'

The Characters:  

  • Joshua - Freaky little kid who wears a constant look of constipation, plus his face is always sweating in an unpleasant manner.
  • Seth - Joshua's grandfather that recently passed away. A guardian angel trying to save his family from the evil Goblins.
  • Holly - Joshua's sister, she is one of the annoying girls that hates her boyfriend having any social life outside of their relationship. I certainly hope she took two classes after this film: acting and dancing.
  • Elliot - Holly's boyfriend, one of the few teenagers you will ever see driving an RV.
  • Michael and Diane - Joshua's parents, they spend the first half of the film wondering how the kid they raised turned out so screwed up. Diane turns into a vegetable casserole.
  • Arnold, Drew, and Brent - Elliot's friends. Killed by a variety of goofy means, including being smothered in popcorn.
  • Creedence - Witch of some sort, I'm guessing the goofy kind. Her mastery of a mystical stone, supposedly from Stonehenge, provides the Goblins with their power.
  • The Goblins - Evil vegetarian shapechangers.

Buy It!

The Plot: 

We pick up the story with a happy family preparing to go on a trip. Happy might be stretching the facts a little, there are a few minor issues. Joshua is having long talks with his dead grandfather about evil creatures called Goblins, while Holly and Elliot play out dramatic scenes reminiscent of "Romeo and Juliet." Problem is, this writer was hardly Shakespeare and these two boobs would get thrown out of most high school casting calls. Especially monotone girl.

So what is a Goblin? Well, a goblin is either a midget or young child wearing "yea olde peasant garb" (with pillows stuffed underneath) and a Halloween mask. Don't get me wrong, a few are fairly impressive, but they are still static masks.

The family travels to a town called Nilbog (Look at that, isn't that clever? Boy that's clever.) to trade places with another family. Nothing like living in an old farmhouse while the rude and unwashed farmers roll around in your bed. Elliot and friends set up camp on a back road near the town.

Soon things are going wrong and Joshua can not convince his parents that the townsfolk are really Goblins! Drinking or consuming even the slightest bit of food from them will convert your flesh into messy plant matter! Everyone except Joshua is about to partake of the feast, things look quite hopeless.

Grandfather Seth saves the day again when he shows up, for a dead guy he sure gets around. Despite having a good ax and Molotov cocktail on hand we notice one other special weapon. Can you guess what it is? I will give you a few hints: it is red, it is cylindrical, and it is full of carbon dioxide.

Mom and dad barricade the doors after seeing what the townsfolk really are, but for some reason our little bowel-retaining hero disappears during an impromptu seance. He awakens in the Goblins' lair, with gramps (in attendance again) providing incomplete instructions on defeating the creatures. Meanwhile everyone else runs through the house while midgets jump out of dark corners, finally ending up at the Goblins' lair too.

"Troll II" starts off fine, I even found portions quite entertaining. After twenty minutes it settles into a mind numbing journey. I imagine many rental clerks wonder why this movie is returned not rewound, probably abandoned around the same mysterious point like some cinematic Mary Celeste. Fear not my stalwart viewers, if you can suffer through it, the movie does end. 'Tis a silly twist ending, but a blessed, blessed ending none the less.

Last Note: If I had been forced to watch Holly dance or recite (and I do mean recite) her lines once more then this film might have remained upon my reference shelf, stopped at some mysterious point in the middle, until the end of time.

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • Most fairy tales include bubblegum 80's music.
  • Watergate salad will turn you into vegetable matter.
  • Fathers cut off and then dine upon the genitalia of immature males, often the ones dating their daughter.
  • The only way to keep people from eating food is by urinating on it.
  • Sometimes scenes added to pad the film are not just useless, sometimes they are annoying.
  • Sour milk is not the best thing to quench your thirst.
  • Vegetarians never develop hemorrhoids.
  • Few things are more erotic than a woman with an ear of corn.
  • Vegetarians will flee from a baloney sandwich just like Dracula must avoid a brandished crucifix.

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • 8 mins - Yeah, but your imaginary friend wasn't your dead grandfather.
  • 13 mins - Stop traumatizing your son by making him sing and turn on the radio.
  • 20 mins - Now there is a neat housewarming present, have to remember that for the next time I move.
  • 39 mins - Since when do young heterosexual males sleep in the same bed? Especially one that small.
  • 51 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A BAD ACTOR!
  • 62 mins - What sort of diabetic's nightmare is this? After not eating for a few days I'd want a hamburger, steak, or something other than all those pastries.
  • 66 mins - Grandpa went to Hell?
  • 72 mins - Due to her brandishing an ear of corn and that flashy music playing I had brief doubts about the PG-13 rating.
  • 84 mins - Objects in this mirror may be uglier than they appear.

 Audio clips in wav formatSOUNDSStarving actors speak out 

FileDialog
Green Music Note trollii1.wav Seth: "Goblins still exist! Your grandpa Seth is telling you."
Green Music Note trollii2.wav Michael: "When I was a kid, I had an imaginary playmate too."
Diane: "But it wasn't your dead grandfather."
Green Music Note trollii3.wav Elliot: "Are you nuts? You trying to turn me into a homo?"
Holly: "Wouldn't be too hard, if my father discovers you here he'd cut off your little nuts and eat them. He can't stand you!"
Green Music Note trollii4.wav Joshua: "Don't you see, only the power of goodness can destroy these monsters!"
Green Music NoteTheme Song Listen to a clip from the soundtrack.

 Click for a larger imageIMAGESScenes from the movie 

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 Watch a sceneVIDEOMPEG video files 

Video Cliptrollii1.mpg - 2.7m
It is bad enough that these vegetarian creatures feed you a potion that turns flesh into cabbage (or something), but they also eat with their hands. How did you like his acting talent by the way, think he had many offers for leading roles after this movie?

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Comments:Write CommentPages: 1 ... 3 4 [5] 6 7 ... 9
Troll II
Reply #33. Posted on November 25, 2002, 10:27:45 PM by Troll 3
It is on DVD, its in PAL format but its out there if you really want it, try ebay or amazon.co.uk, youd be able to play it on a computer of PAL compatible dvd player.
Troll II
Reply #34. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Jellyroll
holy s**t!  i have found this movie...i came across this masterpiece from a 30 year old burnout living with my friend's family about 4 years ago.  never have i experienced such laughter.  we were left wondering if this was the worst movie of all time or the stroke of pure comedic genius.  the dead grandpa is too much!  oh my GOD!!!!  i'd love to do that girl though ;)
Troll II
Reply #35. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Noel
I have only seen this film recently but think it is the best worst film of all time. It is unbelievably bad! I haven't stopped laughing at it since. It is just mind bogglingly bad! The acting is the worst i've ever seen, the plot is just dumb. The funniest part for me is when the dead grandad stops time for 30 seconds but you can see that the actors are still moving!
Troll II
Reply #36. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by DLR
Well...  It's all been said in posts before this one but I just HAD to add my thoughts.

Troll 2...  I absolutely adore this film.  It's the "best" worst movie I've ever seen and that includes Battlfield Earth, Ghost Dog, Femme fatal & anything by David Lynch.

I recommend watching Troll 2 while on the toilet because you'll laugh so hard that you may s**t yourself.
Troll II
Reply #37. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:03 PM by Geoffrey
I first saw this film when I was in grade school.  I definitely enjoyed it, but as I moved into my teen years, I ended up forgetting about it.  I went vegan when I was 14 years old and remembered a movie I had seen long ago that was about vegan creatures  that killed and ate meat eaters.  I was very amused at the concept of seeing this again, but I had completely forgotten the title.  

After about a year of half assed searching, I found it again and have been in love ever since.  

VEGAN JUSTICE!
(Im really not a hardass... I just find it to be amusing)
Troll II
Reply #38. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by JOSH
My mom picked this up for me about ten years ago from the local video store. The only reason she rented it was because she saw on the box that the kid's name was "Joshua" just like mine. I was only eight or nine at the time, too young to relize what a horrible movie this was or appreciate it's cheese factor. I didn't see it again for years until a few months ago I saw it listed on the IMDB's 100 Worst List. I rented it, watched, laughed, screamed, and now I worship it! I just have one question: "where are all the beautiful, liberated, horny girls?!"
Troll II
Reply #39. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Jeremy
I'm shocked!  I saw this movie agaes ago when i was like 12 or 13, but i forgot about it until i saw it for sale as a double-sided disc with the original Troll. When i viewed it at a younger age I thought it was funny. Now that I'm older, I think it's hilarious! They don't get much better (worse) than that.
Troll II
Reply #40. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by James Perry
Rejoice my fellow Troll lovers!  Troll/Troll2 DVD double feature to be (or already has been) unleached upon us in August of 2003!!  Widescreen and all...it appears!  Check your favorite DVD store to preorder!

I remember wanting Troll 2 to be good.  This was when I took Troll seriously too.  Now I'm much older, 13 years of Mystery Science Theater 3000 behind me...and I know what to do with films like this!  I may save them for my yearly Halloween movie month where I watch at least 3 films a day during October.  Fun! fun! fun!!  

Great clip from the film.  I sincerely don't remember it being quite that cheezy!  
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Lesson Learned:
  • Osmosis: os·mo·sis (oz-mo'sis, os-) n., 1. When a bird eats something.

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