|Copyright 2000 Tana2000
| Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'
- Christopher - Newest addition to a private bible school, he quickly learns that strange things are afoot.
- Rusty - Muscled, but devout young student. Turned into a doll.
- Billy - Class smart ass and not even the amusing sort, he is just annoying.
- Mike - How he made it to adulthood like this is beyond me, being a tattletale in college of all things. Turned into a doll.
- Sam - The voice of reason among the students.
- Paul - I don't know, he doesn't talk much. He ends up as a doll as well.
- Reverend Carmichael - He started a new religion, just try to imagine every quirky spiritual belief from California sprinkled with a healthy dose of Catholicism. Turned into a doll.
- Mrs. Bouvier - Financier of the Carmichael Bible College who has much darker goals than you would expect. Turned into a doll.
|Early in the film we watch what appears to be a seduction, some woman in a lacy outfit playing with her boy toy. Things look promising, but looks can be very deceiving. Shortly we embark on what the movie is actually about: young men in whitie-tighties (note: I'm winging the spelling, this one is not in the dictionary, but you know what I mean).
Okay, granted that they are wearing white boxer briefs, not the plain white briefs often referred to as "whitie-tighties."
Mrs. Bouvier and the Reverend have lured these innocent souls to their facility with one goal in mind, transform them into living voodoo dolls (think of a man's head on a straw body) for presentation to a dark power. After six such sacrifices the power will grant them an unstoppable army of the dead.
Sounds like a cool basis for a movie doesn't it? Sure it does. I now remind you, that is not what this movie is about. This movie is about young men in whitie-tighties.
Prepare to spend a lot of time watching people talk to each other, normally this is called "character development." Well, a total of nine people appear in this movie and after watching it twice I can only identify half. It goes without saying that we wasted a lot of time talking.
Finally Christopher catches on to the evil plan, though his classmates' brains are addled by the cursed wine and they don't believe him. Will Chris be able to stop the gratuitous underwear party and save the day? Of course, plus there is even a strange little homage to "The Wizard of Oz" near the end.
I didn't need to watch thirty minutes of young men, wearing only white boxer briefs, rubbing themselves. As a heterosexual male that just doesn't do it for me, though (obviously) others may have a different view of the material. Before you get up in arms about me labeling the film as homosexual erotica bear the following in mind: men touching themselves may not be innately gay behavior, but what about making it one quarter of your film?
Overall the camera work is not bad, though some scenes are very badly lit, so much that the film starts to look grainy. Candles were used for atmosphere, which is fine, you just have to add ambient light to avoid exactly what happened. What killed this film for me was all the talking and all the damn scenes of guys touching themselves. Would I have enjoyed the movie more if it was an all girls school? Sure, that is the way I'm wired.
|Things I Learned From This Movie:
- White socks do not go with dress slacks.
- God wants you to be Pat Boone.
- The Eleventh Commandment is "Thou shalt not lift weights."
- Young men often hang out in the bathroom, just talking in their towels (or less).
- All young men sleep in white boxer briefs and socks.
- Religion should not include rubber gloves.
- Popcorn kernels are an important part of voodoo rituals.
- Confessionals are an interactive experience.
- Washrooms are impregnable prisons.
- Crosses can be used as lock picks.
- 3 mins - Nooooo! Guy in white underwear!
- 12 mins - Black miniskirt suit, black hose, and a black choker. Your standard church mouse...
- 27 mins - Star Trek meets Catholicism.
- 40 mins - Little frozen corn on the cobs, mashed potatoes, fried chicken, and biscuits. Kentucky Fried Chicken! I bet they really ate this after the shoot was over.
- 44 mins - Nooooo! Guys in white underwear touching themselves!
- 51 mins - No, not again. Cut that out!
- 60 mins - These people must spend a fortune on candles.
- 66 mins - He owned a set of camouflage pants?
- 70 mins - Stop touching yourself! One thousand Hail Marys, now get out!
- 76 mins - Why didn't this one require a ritual? Is water a catalyst?
- 78 mins - Nooooo! Nooooo! Why? Why me?
|Audio clips in wav format
|Starving actors speak out
|Bouvier: "The Carmichael Bible College is an experimental facility and we're still trying to work out the kinks, so to speak."
|Billy: "Sad, but true, we're all Pat Boone clones around here."
|Billy: "Come on, the word shit is not blasphemy. For Christ's sake!"
Mike: "Well I tried; if you get tossed it's on you."
|Chris: "No, I'm not going to calm down all right? Something's going down here and I don't know what it is. Last night all five of you guys were tossing and turning and then Rusty got up and walked away in his underwear."
| Listen to a clip from the soundtrack.
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|Scenes from the movie
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|MPEG video files
|When Paul suddenly finds himself doused with wine and glowing like a Christmas tree we get one more chance to see a young man in a tub. Oh goody.
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