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THE WARRIOR AND THE SORCERESS - 2 Slimes
Rated R
Copyright 1984 New Horizons Picture Corp.
Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'

The Characters:  

  • Kain - David Carradine! Holy warrior from the days when they had something worse than sex on television to battle against.
  • Naja - Sorceress and worshipper of Ura held captive by Zeg, she runs around topless for the entire movie. Religion is always so much more interesting on the silver screen.
  • The Prelate - Old man and Naja's father.
  • Zeg - Warlord who owns half of Yam-A-Tar and it is his forces that are usually in control of the well. Enjoys watching naked women drown in tubs of water, which one imagines he later must drink from. Wonder what the FDA has to say about such practices? Smacked in the spine with a morning star.
  • Bal Caz - Rotund warlord and Zeg's rival. He is currently the weaker of the two, possibly since his counsel is a bipedal reptile. Knifed by Zeg.
  • Burgo - Evil slaver ("good" is an adjective seldom used with the word "slaver") who gets a quick lesson in religion from Kain.
  • Zeg's Captain - Excitable, but the guy honestly knew what he was doing as Captain of the Guard. Not even close to being Kain's equal in armed combat, so he spends the end of the film dying.

Buy It!

The Plot: 

One of the better sword and sorcery flicks you might run across is the current subject.

Kain is a holy warrior in a land where most people have lost faith. Who can blame them? There is precious little time for worship when your schedule is full of torture (at the hands of Bal Caz, Zeg, or Burgo) and dying of thirst. Yam-A-Tar's (yes, it is a silly name for a town, I understand they later changed their name to "Las Vegas" and things picked up) is little more than an armed camp, each side seeking to control the only well for miles around. Call me loopy, but wells are drawn off underground springs or streams. Why doesn't someone just dig another well?

Kain is a disillusioned holy warrior, as any self respecting "wandering hero" is, though he can still slice and dice bit part actors with the best of them. The status quo in Yam-A-Tar tweaks his inherent sense of decency, he decides to overthrow the evil types. Since taking on the fighting contingent of both camps in open combat is suicide he uses a good deal of trickery to whittle down their forces and line his own pockets with gold.

Watching him wander back and forth, playing the two sides against each other, is something else. One thing to watch for is how Kain always demands X number of gold coins and whichever warlord always has a pouch of coins filled with that exact amount. Even better is noticing he is handed a pouch supposedly containing a thousand gold tarracs which appears to be smaller than one he received earlier, that one contained only a hundred tarracs. I guess gold coins come in denominations too.

So where is all this cash going? Certainly not into the coffer of any strip clubs, they would soon go out of business in this town. Find one woman in the movie with her top on and... ...well let us just say you are watching a different movie. Naja is my "Exhibit A" here, though she looks more like a C in all truth. She bounces through the film wearing what appears to be a loincloth and scarf, I wisely gave up yelling about RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOTS before going hoarse.

Finally Zeg catches on to the little game and uses his secret weapon, the deadly four breasted woman! Her poison stinger renders the caped crusader (that's more clever than you give me credit for) helpless, when he wakes up several mercenaries are getting fourteenth century on his ass. Will Kain escape? Can the sorceress create a magical sword for him? Does the movie end with a vicious battle in the town square? Did I expostulate too much?

It has a monster (this weird octopus/spider that Kain has to kill at one point), plenty of fighting, lots of breasts, and even a magical sword. All that with acceptable acting and choreography, what more can you ask for?

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • Mentally retarded twins are best used as messengers.
  • Women's nipples are constantly erect, no matter what they are doing.
  • Evil warlords love a good foot massage.
  • Altars are hollow and priests use them as hiding places when unruly mobs are about.
  • People who live in the desert are not very good at swimming.
  • Large groups of people never say anything, they just yell nonsense all the time.
  • Women have poison stingers concealed in their belly buttons.
  • Anvils are made from styrofoam.

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • 7 mins - Why is the well nearly overflowing? Almost as if it were a tub full of water...
  • 10 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
  • 16 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
  • 23 mins - Hey Burgo, you dropped a tarrac there. I think your bag of coins has a hole in it.
  • 32 mins - He climbed the wall one-handed, while carrying her, dude is the man!
  • 41 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
  • 41 mins - Kain must have combed his hair before sitting down, a minute ago he had serious cloak head.
  • 52 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT! Wait a moment, that woman has four breasts! Now there is a great idea.

 Audio clips in wav formatSOUNDSStarving actors speak out 

FileDialog
Green Music Note warsorceress1.wav Prelate: "Each of these scum pits his hired soldiers against the other for control of the well, it's the poor villagers caught in between who suffer."
Green Music Note warsorceress2.wav Bal Caz: "You will fight for Bal Caz?"
Kain: "I fight for golden tarracs."
Green Music Note warsorceress3.wav Zeg: "You've got one more chance to make me the sacred sword of Ura or I'll sell you to the slavers and your blessed father's head will rest on my pike!"
Green Music Note warsorceress4.wav Zeg: "What are you doing? I thought you were my friend!"
Burgo: "Friend? Slavers have no friends!"

 Click for a larger imageIMAGESScenes from the movie 

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 Watch a sceneVIDEOMPEG video files 

Video Clipwarsorceress1.mpg - 3.1m
The slavers are pillaging everything in sight and putting villagers into chains. Kain now wields the sacred blade of Ura though, time for some slavers to exit the film in a messy way.

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Comments:Write CommentPages: 1 [2] 3
The Warrior and the Sorceress
Reply #9. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:03 PM by Fox Of Nod
This movie had a budget of what $3000.
If it had more money and better every thing else it might have been good.
The Warrior and the Sorceress
Reply #10. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by WitchKing
This isn't too bad as low-budget fantasy epics go.  "Deathstalker" is better and "Wizards of the Lost Kingdom" is livelier if more empty-headed, but this one is fun to watch when you're alone and a bit plastered.  I was obsessed with the lizard lackey as a kid and the film's poster now hangs on my wall.
The Warrior and the Sorceress
Reply #11. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Someguy
Wow, all these mentions of story rip-offs! I was going to say "Fistful of Dollars" and "Yojimbo," but I see I have already been beaten to the punch. Anyway, if anybody is still interested, all of the previously mentioned movies (including this one) came from the novel "Red Harvest" by Dashiell Hammett. Yes, that Dashiell Hammett, who wrote a story about a private detective playing one gang off against another.
The Warrior and the Sorceress
Reply #12. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by George
CRAPCRAPCRAP!!!!! I saw this at a theater and when a horny little 16 year old doesn't like a movie full of swords and boobs there must be something wrong (with the movie, not the teen). If its a cheesy, sex-and-nudity oriented sword-and-sorcery flick your'e looking for, check out the 1982 New World Pictures epic "Sorceress". This one has identical twins (with nice boobs!) who don't know that they're girls. In one hilarious scene, they see a naked man (we don't, thank God!) and think his "package" is some kind of weapon. Check this one out.
The Warrior and the Sorceress
Reply #13. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Hudson
It's a great schlock movie. Its got Swords made of rubber, reptilian thingies, sitting on a fat man's shoulder und quadro tits. Whaddaya need more. Heh!
The Warrior and the Sorceress
Reply #14. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Total Nut
One question: Was that David Carradine in the recent Yellowbook.com commercial as the guy who chants, "Yellowbook-dot-commmmm..." at the end? Because if it was, he's finally starting to look like his father (Oscar winner and B-Movie legend John Carradine, in case you didn't know already).
The Warrior and the Sorceress
Reply #15. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:03 PM by John Dashwood
My mates and myself have just watched it last night. What a great bad movie!

John
Re: The Warrior and the Sorceress
Reply #16. Posted on September 02, 2008, 11:38:38 PM by Valentine Kutter
Sigh. They just dont make them like this anymore.
And theres a reason for that.
Still a good way to waste a little time with some good friends and some good food.
And where exactly does that stinger come out from  ?????

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