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WELCOME TO PLANET EARTH - 3 Slimes
Rated R
Copyright 1996 Pacific Trust
Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'

The Characters:  

  • Joseph - Young man trying to live an honest life after his mother's death.
  • Daphne - Blonde space alien, she looks darn hot for having blue blood. Rowl!
  • Charlie - Norm from "Cheers!" (George Wendt) He loves killing criminals and is taking his vacation on Earth to do so.
  • Rhonda - Like June Cleaver, but undersexed and likes to skewer muggers with a tire iron.
  • Detective Watts - Jerk cop, he and Joseph have had a few disagreements.
  • Jesse - Crack dealer out to make Joseph's life miserable, Rhonda saws his head off.
  • Lieutenant Barnes - The even headed cop, refreshing isn't it?
  • A horde of thugs, thieves, and murderers - Fodder for Charlie and Rhonda to whup up on.

Buy It!

The Plot: 

Roger Corman executive produced this fine piece of cinema, the man is just getting better with age I tell you. He's also getting pretty randy, half the quotes in this movie involve something above normal humidity. Joseph is a punk who decides to clean up his act after momma dies, renting out rooms in the old boarding house to get by. Then Charlie and Rhonda show up wanting a pad, he's a little suspicious until their daughter walks in. Daphne is darn attractive, her tendency to shed clothes at the drop of a hat helps too. Good old Norm, I mean Charlie, is here with his wife on a vacation. They're "roughing it" on Earth and are in bliss while dispensing vigilante justice. They go walking in the bad sections of town, run into some thugs, and then gleefully kill them. Ever want to see Norm chew off somebody's ear? I sure did, too bad they couldn't dig up Clay for that scene. The other plot point (There are two, count them, two.) is that Daphne needs to get laid. So she does, Joseph must have done a good job since she falls in love with him. Eventually the police decide our young friend is the one killing all these criminals, lucky that his girlfriend's purse shoots a paralyzation ray! They escape in a car driven by Charlie and Rhonda, who killed the owner after he tried to rob them - the corpse is in the back seat, and a high speed chase ensues! During said named chase everything went wrong with continuity, whoever was in charge of that, oh boy. Sometimes the dead guy is in the back seat, sometimes he isn't, one minute Detective Watts is riding shotgun in the police car, the next minute Scotty screws up and teleports him out. (Maybe I shouldn't flip between Star Trek and movies I review?) Everything ends well, Daphne and Joseph escape to her home planet while the parents are sent off to prison. Actually they beg to be locked up with a horde of violent criminals. It's schlock, but it's good schlock!

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • Make sure whoever sings "Amazing Grace" at your momma's funeral knows all the words.
  • Pretty girls asking "Bed me please?" get guy's attention.
  • Women fast during menstruation.
  • Dinner is not the time for gory car accident stories.
  • I'd rather have a monkey than Norm on my back any day.
  • Batting cleanup in a gangbang is pretty unsavory.
  • Getting naked will capture a policeman's attention.
  • Shooting your car, since it will not start, isn't helping things.
  • Don't walk into a crack house and start calling people "pieces of shit."
  • You can cut off someone's head with a switchblade.

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • 6 mins - Joseph, don't shoot the preacher...
  • 7 mins - Nice house buddy.
  • 13 mins - ROWL! (You'll have to see the scene.)
  • 22 mins - Darn postman bled all over the sidewalk.
  • 27 mins - Rhonda is bleeding blue blood? Now she's kicking that guy's butt!
  • 39 mins - Charlie just bit off the mugger's ear!
  • 41 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
  • 60 mins - Hey, the dead guy disappeared and now the police car doesn't have a passenger!
  • 69 mins - Don't slip on the decapitated head, whoops! I warned you buddy.

Quotes: 

  • Joseph: "You shitting me?"
    Rhonda: "We most certainly are not shitting you!"
  • Rhonda: "And thanks again for servicing our daughter."

 Audio clips in wav formatSOUNDSStarving actors speak out 

FileDialog
Green Music Note welcomeearth1.wav Why you should learn the words to "Amazing Grace" before singing at a funeral.
Green Music Note welcomeearth2.wav Daphne: "It's just a word, like c**ksucker or Republican."
Green Music Note welcomeearth3.wav Rhonda: "If you want to be happy keep your legs open and your mouth shut."
Green Music Note welcomeearth4.wav Rhonda: "We're the killers."
Charlie: "Yeah, could you please take us to jail?"
Rhonda: "Take us directly to jail."
Charlie: "Yeah, do not pass GO."
Rhonda: "Do not collect two hundred dollars."

 Click for a larger imageIMAGESScenes from the movie 

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 Watch a sceneVIDEOMPEG video files 

Video Clipwelcomeearth1.mpg - 2.9m
Rhonda and Charlie whup some butt!

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Comments:Write CommentPages: [1]
Welcome to Planet Earth
Reply #1. Posted on June 22, 2000, 10:06:52 PM by Scaarge
I bought Sgt. Andrew's laserdisk version of this film, and am I glad I did.  This is one of the most enjoyable films I've ever seen, I laugh as much as I do watching Monty Python.  Great from start to finish, a shame Mr. Spiro seems to have disappeared from the face of the Earth.  Say, you don't suppose....
Welcome to Planet Earth
Reply #2. Posted on September 03, 2000, 07:46:22 PM by Tom Smith
My wife, who doesn't normally like Sci Fi movies, thought the movie was hilarious (me likewise).
Welcome to Planet Earth
Reply #3. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by daibando
Great website - like your review, as some others get upset over the language. George Wendt and Shannah Reed are great as a too-good-to-be-true syrupy sweet couple - you jus KNOW somthing ain't right. I never thought an attempted rape scene could be funny but Reed carried it out to perfection - the look of malevolent glee on her face is something to behold. Anastasia Sakelaris' nudie scene at the police station is burned into my retinas. I understand Corman had some nude scenes cut - a loss to all mankind. A good cast and ably directed. There's a Part II out with the same cast, except for Reed. Gotta track that one down, although sequel have a history of disappointing viewers.
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FROM THE BADMOVIES.ORG ARCHIVES
ImageThe Giant Claw - Slime drop

Earth is visited by a GIANT ANTIMATTER SPACE BUZZARD! Gawk at the amazingly bad bird puppet, or chuckle over the silly dialog. This is one of the greatest b-movies ever made.

Lesson Learned:
  • Osmosis: os·mo·sis (oz-mo'sis, os-) n., 1. When a bird eats something.

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