|THE LAIR OF THE WHITE WORM
|Copyright 1988 Vestron Pictures Inc.
| Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'
- Angus - Scottish archeologist, pretty tough guy too. Well of course he is tough, he's Scottish!
- James D'Ampton - Hugh Grant! Nobleman and descendant of the knight who slew the worm centuries ago.
- Mary - Hostess of the D'Ampton bed and breakfast, she is on the edge of a total breakdown due to the disappearance of her parents one year ago.
- Eve - Mary's sister, she has been flirting a good bit with Lord D'Ampton, turns out she is still a virgin in her late twenties.
- Officer Erny - Constable with two lazy eyes (it's really odd) who is bitten and becomes a thrall to Lady Sylvia.
- Kevin - Goofy boy scout seduced and emasculated by Lady Sylvia.
- Lady Sylvia Marsh - Immortal worshipper of the White Worm and part snake herself. Dropped into the creature's gaping maw by Angus.
- Dionin - Spelling might be an issue here, but whatever the case, this is the pagan god also called "The White Worm." A huge and loathsome beast which dwells beneath the ground until it develops explosive indigestion.
|We begin with Angus excavating ancient ruins in Mary and Eve's backyard just as he makes a bewildering discovery. In addition to the structural remains of a nunnery and a Roman temple he finds a large skull, vaguely reptilian in form. Only later, at one of Lord D'Ampton's parties, does he learn about the Legend of the White Worm.
The worm is not only a legend and Lady Sylvia is picking out the annual virgin sacrifice for her pagan deity. Eve's mysterious status as an unsullied lass of almost thirty puts her at risk of becoming worm food. Only heroic efforts by the men folk (and a hand grenade) prevent her consumption.
The film is riddled with revolting erotic images and snake references. I really didn't need to watch a confusing dream sequence involving nuns being raped by Roman soldiers, though later another vision showing them impaled on stakes is equally twisted. There is also the human sacrifice ritual, apparently Lady Sylvia uses a spearlike strapon to commit the deed. Try to remember these are intended to portray the depravity of the White Worm and do so rather well. Meanwhile the protagonists use every trick in the book against snakes to combat Lady Sylvia, including snake charming music and a mongoose. You have to feel sorry for the mongoose, in this case the little hunter was in over its head.
Hugh Grant encountering a pagan snake god is pure entertainment, plus the story was inventive and well paced. Is it frightening? Well no, but it did not bore me and was a welcome "alternative vampire" sort of story.
|Things I Learned From This Movie:|| |
- Spring is an ambiguous thing in the British Isles.
- Nuns had it pretty rough during Roman times.
- There is a pagan version of "Shoots and Ladders" called "Snakes and Ladders." (Several readers pointed out this was the original title of that game.)
- Never get a blowjob from some woman with two-inch fangs.
- English noblemen regularly have dreams involving catfighting airline stewardesses.
- Cavemen knew what transsexuals were.
- Snake women sleep in woven baskets.
- You can suck the poison out of someone bitten in the jugular.
- Bagpipes can be used in snake charming.
- Even a god should not go around swallowing grenades.
- 6 mins - The scary thing is that I'm getting into this Scottish squaredance/techno music.
- 7 mins - You've obviously spent enough time at the buffet my friend, move along Porky.
- 11 mins - Actually the headlights were on.
- 24 mins - What in the hell? Okay, this is an amazingly f***ked up scene.
- 30 mins - Exactly how many adolescent male wet dreams can we address here?
- 33 mins - Paralyzed by her venom, but his eyelids close when she pushes him under the water.
- 45 mins - Hey idiot, can you make any more noise?
- 53 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
- 56 mins - Eve needs to do a better job of shaving her legs...
- 79 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS REPTILIAN BREAST SHOT!
- 90 mins - That hospital had better get a good lawyer, this has malpractice suit written all over it.
| ||Audio clips in wav format||SOUNDS||Starving actors speak out|| |
||Eve: "I remember now! After I passed out, I remember! A serpent, a horrible thing...towering above me, coiled around a crucifix!"
||Sylvia: "Do you believe in reincarnation, Eve? I do, but then I am immortal and I have seen the same souls inhabit different beings throughout history."
||Angus: "Dionin was a pagan snake god."
||James: "Thanks for the warning, I think we probably have another reptile loose on the premises."
|Theme Song|| Listen to a clip from the soundtrack. |
| ||Click for a larger image||IMAGES||Scenes from the movie|| |
| ||Watch a scene||VIDEO||MPEG video files|| |
|Hugh, the Barbarian. (It was that or a "Highlander" joke.)
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