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WILD, WILD PLANET - 3 Slimes
Not Rated
Copyright 1965 Southern Cross Films
Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 11 August 2001

The Characters:  

  • Cmdr. Mike Halstead - Officer in the space force and our hero. He has such a problem putting two and two together that you might think the equation required calculus.
  • Lt. Connie Gomez - Halstead's snippy girlfriend and supposedly the perfect female. I'm assuming they mean from a genetic standpoint, because she seems like a royal _____. (I'll give you some hints: five letters, first letter is a "B," last letter is an "H," and there is one vowel.)
  • Charles - Apparently a fellow member of the space force and Halstead's friend. Yup, good old Charles.
  • Jake - Fiercely loyal to Halstead; he is the young rookie constantly being told to "look out."
  • Dr. Delfos - Scientist who is left a stunted midget after nearly being kidnapped (more on that later).
  • The Freaks - Monstrous beings with four arms and pupils like a cat. Tasked with carrying out abductions on Earth, they are meant to be inconspicuous. Everyone dresses in bright and flowing clothes, but these goons wear long black trench coats, black caps, and dark sunglasses.
  • Nurmi - Executive in CBM (a powerful company). If you were told there was one evil person in the room and asked to point him out... ...well, you would start baying like a hound and go after this guy. Drowns in cherry Kool-Aid.

Buy It!

The Plot: 

We have started a new millennium, despite doomsayers and computer programmers who only coded two digits for the date field. Where are the flying cars, robot servants, and laser weapons? Although, this movie makes one think the flying car is best left on the drawing board. They careen through the air, seemingly out of control like a newbie piloting his first Spathi ship. Oh well, you cannot win them all.

To establish that "this is the future" we start with some scenes of astronauts working in space. One steps daintily along while another swings drunkenly on a wire, swimming through space (I imagine the same people who controlled the car model were at work here). Inside the space station things are progressing as well. Nurmi is testing a batch of organs while arguing over the ethics of transplants with Cmdr Halstead. Neither make any valid points; they might as well be yelling "yes" or "no" at each other. Following that refreshing discussion the company man takes a tour of the station. He watches Connie teaching close combat skills and immediately starts making the moves on Halstead's girlfriend.

Fraternization between members is either discouraged or outright banned in modern military organizations, for obvious reasons. Nobody minds that Halstead is dating a member of his command? And what in the world is Nurmi thinking? Would you antagonize someone who had complete access to the station's functions? "Oops, it appears that Mr. Nurmi's cabin was depressurized by accident. Have maintenance send over a cleaning crew."

Tragedy is averted when a telegram arrives from Earth. Missing persons reports are being submitted at a frightful rate! Halstead is summoned to help investigate before workers at the census bureau begin tearing out their hair in frustration. The audience already knows what is going on to an extent. Mysterious pairs of men and women are accosting citizens, apparently at random, and doing something to them. The freaks in black envelop the victims in their trench coats and only a pile of clothes is left (that are then picked up by the female).

Dr. Delfos' narrow escape from abduction provides some vital clues. Interrupted while wrapping around his target, the man in black allows a midget version of the doctor to scurry away. Immediately the woman stabs him (the trench coat guy) with a needle. His empty clothes drop to the ground, then she makes good her escape in a nearby car. Hey, check it out, that ride looks just like something out of "The Jetsons," but with wheels.

The authorities are unable to get any answers from Delfos; the scientist promptly fell into a coma. Halstead and his agents set up security cameras and teams to monitor the entire city, then wait for something to happen. Luckily Mike's sister sees some of the kidnappers in time, thwarting their kidnapping her son, and immediately reports what happened. With holograms modeled on her description the investigators finally notice the odd pairs of men and women wandering around. A chase ensues, ending in the crash scene that left me a giggling fool. The wreckage yields a carrying case for dolls and inside are three people, shrunk to just inches in height!

Taken back to the lab and reanimated, the little people are shocked to see Halstead has glued a piece of sheet metal onto his face and insists on them calling him "Breeti."

Just kidding, really. Ow, stop hitting me!

What Halstead and his men do is find their opponent's base of operations. During the struggle (three on three) a woman accidentally stabs herself with one of those strange needles, but the other two are taken prisoner. I've been wondering what is in those needles that makes a human just disappear. Maybe a desiccant that turns the target into nothing more than humidity?

Clues lead the Commander and his men to CBM and Nurmi. Breaking into a research lab proves very illuminating and requires no small use of their "laser pistols" to fend off the freaks and guards who attack. The company has lots of political clout though, promising to deny or delay any course of action. Halstead and a small group of loyal troops stage a surprise raid on the secret company base on Delphus.

Connie is already on Delphus, after accepting Nurmi's offer for a memorable vacation. The base is the center of operations for a sinister plan! CBM wants to create a master race through fusion technology! In the same way that the four-armed freaks were created they have been splicing people together. Now they plan the ultimate marriage of man and woman, combining half of Nurmi with half of Connie. From the looks of it they are going to do this right down the center too. I have a major wake up call for the mad scientists. There are a couple places on the human body requiring a command decision and the groin is just the first that comes to mind.

The invading space force was captured upon arrival, but make a bid for freedom when the final experiment commences. Mass confusion reigns supreme as the fighting spreads, leaving Halstead and Nurmi to face off. The latter knows he is beaten and rants like a megalomaniac before releasing several million gallons of cherry Kool-Aid to flood the facility. At first I thought it was supposed to be highly acidic, because of the way CBM employees react to partial immersion. Later Mike swims through the stuff though, so obviously it is a neutral solution (more or less). All the other characters escape by sealing themselves inside capsules and floating to the surface. Explosions and fireworks accompany the base's submergence, so I'm guessing they had prodigious stores of pure sodium. Usually when things flood they just, well, flood.

A better title might have been "Planet Where the 60's Never Ended," but I am happy they did. Dizzying conveyances, telephones with dial pads on the bottom (now that's annoying), and corporations thumbing their noses at the federal government would be all the rage. Hard to forget the hideous mass of circuits and vacuum tubes that Nurmi praised as the "perfect computer." I wonder what he would have thought upon seeing a Power Mac Cube.

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The Cabal is reviewing movies that addressed the future, but it has come and gone:
The Bad Movie Report: Things To Come
Jabootu's Bad Movie Dimension: Queen of Outer Space
B-Notes: Project Moonbase
Opposable Thumb Films: The Last Man on Earth
Teleport City: Escape from the Bronx
And You Call Yourself A Scientist!: Queen of Blood
Cold Fusion Video Reviews: Strange Days
Stomp Tokyo: Space Monster

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • Lungs are ticklish.
  • Being a biologist gives you certain liberties when talking to women.
  • Clean rooms should not have dirt floors.
  • The future of theater involves lots of butterflies and it sucks.
  • Chemists are often assigned duties as coroners.
  • Laser pistols run off of propane.
  • CBM is the acronym for Kent Bio-Med.
  • The main feature of a perfect world is the large indoor pool.

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • 3 mins - Is that a wire attached to your back?
  • 8 mins - A minute ago the aperture on her binoculars was a different shape.
  • 25 mins - Put him back in for a few more minutes; he's not done yet.
  • 30 mins - Noticing a pattern yet? All the freaky guys in black trench coats! Are you people daft?
  • 39 mins - Hahahaha! Special effects! Hahahaha!
  • 64 mins - Notice the propane hose, I mean lanyard, attached to his pistol.
  • 67 mins - Now that is a really big rolodex.
  • 78 mins - What does that mixing machine the two men are in do anyway?

Quotes: 

  • Mike: "I like the human race the way it is. I'm a person, not a collection of hunks of meat."
  • Nurmi: "Soon she will be ready for the great moment when she and I will become one person and my flesh will absorb hers. And we will be fused into one person!"

 Audio clips in wav formatSOUNDSStarving actors speak out 

FileDialog
Green Music Note wildplanet1.wav Nurmi: "Remarkable, she's a perfect specimen."
Crew Member: "Specimen? She's one-hundred percent woman and she's also one-hundred percent for our commander."
Green Music Note wildplanet2.wav Connie complains about women's rights.
Green Music Note wildplanet3.wav Charles: "Mike, I think I've uncovered something!"
Mike: "Oh, what?"
Charles: "Girls!"
Mike: "Shame on you..."
Charles: "No, I'm serious. Look!"
Green Music Note wildplanet4.wav Mike: "Why you...you helium-headed idiot, you! You and your stupid rules, regulations, and protocol!"

 Click for a larger imageIMAGESScenes from the movie 

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 Watch a sceneVIDEOMPEG video files 

Video Clipwildplanet1.mpg - 2.3m
Halstead and his men just stumbled onto this secret lab. Now they are fighting for their lives against technicians and freaks. Please make sure to aim for the chest emblem Mike or else the movie's insurance claims department is going to get really upset.

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Comments:Write CommentPages: 1 [2] 3
Re: The Wild Wild Planet
Reply #9. Posted on March 16, 2007, 09:03:15 PM by jeriwho
Watched most of this when I was 15 and babysitting.  Got as far as the girl agreeing to go to mad scientist's planet for a vacation and getting there, realizing it is not a paradise at all.  Always wondered what happened, now I see it doesn't matter. Nothing would ever save her from being in this bad movie.  At 15, I kept wondering if, when I grew up and got sophisticated and wore my hair in a beehive and knew aikido, would I be stupid enough to go off with a man I hardly knew, a great distance from my friends, to a destination I'd never heard of before?  Or would I stay as savvy as I'd been at 15 and tell the creep to take a flying leap? I'm happy to report I stayed savvy.
Re: The Wild Wild Planet
Reply #10. Posted on December 25, 2007, 08:11:40 PM by JCF
Just saw this film. I Tivo'ed it when it was TCM a few months back. it coupd of passed as na Ed Wood film if ti wasn't in color and dubbed. The little red shuttle ships sounded like vacuum cleaner.
Re: The Wild Wild Planet
Reply #11. Posted on January 19, 2008, 09:08:55 PM by Bernie
I agree with Gary.  This movie is near perfect.


+++





You call this a bad movie?  This movie is excellent.

In reality, it was directed by Jess Franco from a lost script by Orson Welles.  Anyone who reads Video Watchdog knows that means greatness.

And a mad scientist merging his body with a woman's body does make sense if all he can think to do with his sexy female minions is run around ranting like a looney.
Re: The Wild Wild Planet
Reply #12. Posted on January 22, 2008, 11:30:23 AM by Flangepart
Ah, a fine Italian cheese. Provolone au cinema.
Devo four armed aliens, a villian who should be in a pasta western...oh, wait, he was...whats not to love?

Btw, in the opening scene, we see a  dome with lungs, a heart under glass...first thing I said was "Hey, they got most of the ingrediants of Haggis there!"
Re: The Wild Wild Planet
Reply #13. Posted on March 09, 2008, 12:56:21 PM by Paula
This is one of the Greatest movies ever. I've waited 42 years to see this movie again and it was worth it. I couldn't remember the name of it, but I was channel surfing at 5:00 am one morning and recognized it and had to call my "baby" sister. We watched it together over the phone and had a Hoot!
Re: The Wild Wild Planet
Reply #14. Posted on March 10, 2008, 07:53:24 AM by Jack
All I remember is the fight scene with the girls in short skirts, and the heroine going on vacation to the bad guy's lair, watching bodies being put in some sort of containers, and then going to her room as if everything was pretty much okay.  Loved those futuristic cars though.  They looked like you might seriously damage one by tripping over it, but they had those big jet exhausts on the back that could propel them upwards of 30 mph.
Re: The Wild Wild Planet
Reply #15. Posted on October 09, 2008, 11:31:52 AM by vanightwolf
I was 13 when I first saw "Wild Wild Planet", and it really spooked me. Has anybody noticed that the freak-and-girl duos only seem to shrink and capture men and boys? In fact, when the granddaughter of "Dr. Delfus" [he is called "Dr. Fried" in the American dubbed version] intervenes when a Freak starts to shrink him, the Freak's female confrere rather crudely simply strangles the girl and leaves her there. Wouldn't shrinking the girl have been more convenient and left no evidence? And by the by, those odd triangular hypos are INDEED the shrinking devices used; they don't vaporize but simply SHRINK whoever is injected by them -- it's just that we aren't always shown the wee, wee bodies of the victims; usually only their still full-sized clothes. Interestingly, in the scene where Nurmi has just shrunk one of his ladyfriends, and Halsted is trying to convince his superior Maitland as to what Nurmi is up to, Halsted suddenly desperately cries out: "Search him!" [After all, there was obviously a teeny, naked woman in one of Nurmi's pockets.] But when you think about it, if all of Nurmi's chosen specimens who wound up shrunken and inside suitcases were male, how does that explain the various normal-sized gals in the "preparation-tubes" at Nurmi's lab-complex? Sex-change operations?

Re: The Wild Wild Planet
Reply #16. Posted on October 15, 2008, 11:01:36 AM by vanightwolf
And here's a newsflash: "Wild Wild Planet" is technically an informal sequel to a movie which was actually shot back to back with in Rome. The English-language title of this film is "War Of The Planets"; both films take place in the same future civilization and feature the same main cast playing the same roles in both films and shooting off the same propane-powered laser-guns -- sort of like two overlong episodes of the same cheesy teevee series. Both films were directed by "Anthony Dawson" [Antonio Margharetti], and written by Ivan Reiner and Renato Moretti. Both movies were often seen on 1970s teevee. "War" lacks most of the startling sexual frissons, over-campy horror elements, and bad-guy corporate input of "Wild", but it's still fun in its own dopey way -- especially since Commander Halsted, Jake, Charles, and the ever lovably hateful Connie are all there yet again. If I have enough room on this forum, I'll try to relate the plot.

 
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