CRADLE OF FEAR
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| Not Rated
| | Copyright 2001 Creature Effects
| | Reviewed by Lee Bailes
on 'a long time ago' |
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- Street Thugs - Die brutally after mugging girly goth type.
- The Man - Danni Filth. Girly goth type (of the band CRADLE OF FILTH), supposed to be Satanic powered hit man. About as scary as a Scooby Doo bad guy. I expected him to say 'and I would have got away with it if...'.
- Mel - Played by Emily Boufante. (Rrrrrrrruff!) She'd give a dog a bone. Plays a goth looking for love and looking in all the wrong places. Gets impregnated with more than she bargained for.
- Nikki - Mel's friend, also hot. Strange how all the girls in this film are? She finds out that touching your friends can have dire consequences.
- Sophie and Emma - Two street tough girls who decide to rob an old man. Also feel the need to wear very little. Strange...?
- Old Man - Deaf old coot who is storing the budget for this film under his bed; gets a rude awakening and takes far more punishment than any pensioner should.
- Nick - One legged coke-snorting gangster and morally challenged motorist, desperate to prove he is a real man.
- Natalie - Played by Eileen Daly (also of the canine bone donation society), Nicks' wife and fellow coke-snorter. She proves not to be fussy about licking stumps, but ends up paying the price for hubby's indiscretions all the same.
- Richard Neilson - Psychopathic internet company employee who decides that checking out snuff web sites isn't satisfying enough and has trouble picturing female employees without gags and ropes.
- Detective Neilson - Foul mouthed detective investigating the various bloody deaths. Has a new way of taking a pulse that could cause outrage in the ER.
- Kemper - Serial Killer offspring of Aleister Crowley who decides to wipe out the offspring of all the people who put him away using questionable hygiene and Black Magic.
- Dwarf - Short.
- Police - Die brutally after vomiting copiously.
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This is an anthology film that links four short stories together.
Kemper is a child killer and cannibal who wants revenge on the people who sent him down. He uses poor penmanship and blood from pricking his finger to contract 'The Man' to kill them in E-vil and satanic ways. The Man walks like a bad cross between 'The Crow' and Freddy Kreuger with goth spiky rings and big boots. We see Detective Neilson check the pulse of one victim before we see what happened.
Two goth vamps go clubbing. Mel is in search of her 'Dark Prince' and spies him across a crowded dance floor (filmed in a pub I frequent - very convincingly shot to make it appear club like). After seducing him with her slow striptease, they make the 'beast' with two backs (literally) and he disappears. Feeling used and abused she showers and pukes, running through the streets having "Jacob's Ladder" visions of demonic faces. She thinks she is tripping and runs to her friend Nikki. At night they both find out what can happen when you don't use contraception as the room is bathed in blood after a DIY abortion.
Next, two girls decide to break into a house when the old pensioner who lives there is out. Stumbling around in the dark, they eventually find his money stashed under the bed. They also find out the old guy is still there as he leaps at them from his bed. After bludgeoning him to death, they realize he had his hearing aid off, before he again pops up, this time to be stabbed, pops up, beaten again, before eventually dying. After bathing together, Sophie decides she can't trust Emma and decides to keep it all for herself. She 'offs' Emma, cleans up and knocks herself out on the landing, only to wake up in the morning and find the bodies have gone. After running home and stripping off in the kitchen she admires the money, then toasts her success before a very dead Emma rams the bottle into her eye as the old man throttles the last breath from her body.
Next, a coke snorting couple drive around London running over drunks before popping back to have rampant stumpy love. Except the husband can't go through with it, even when presented with Eileen Daly's gorgeous charms as he feels like half a man, with only one leg. He is assured by his morally corrupt GP (not realizing the desperate lengths Nick will go to) that a new leg could be grafted on, providing there is a donor limb. He decides to pay a visit to an old friend with the worst hygiene in England (God knows why he believes this guy's leg would graft onto anything other than fungus) and promptly shoots and dismembers him. After the leg is sewn on, Nick is plagued by bad dreams and decides when it is finally rehabilitated, he will show his wife how much of a man he is. They go on another coke spree to warm up before a night of passion, only to have the possessed limb spring into life and take over the driving. The car crashes and ruins any chance of another gratuitous breast shot.
Lastly, Detective Neilsons' son is busy compiling a report on snuff and pedophilia sites for a web company. He stumbles across a snuff site called the 'Sick Room' where you can pay to have people killed in the method of your choosing. He takes one of the girls from the office out on a date, only to leave her looking like a crash victim. His boss and colleagues are suspicious when she doesn't return to work and get increasingly annoyed by his frustrated rantings as he tries to access the Sick Room again and again. He is fired and, after he spends all his money killing someone on the site, degenerates into a homeless bum. He is obsessed by finding out about the site, eventually being lured to a cottage in North London and finding out where they get the victims for the site. The moral being: make sure you pay your subscription fees or is it curiosity killed the cat?
We don't care as we are desensitized to all violence and gore by this time (we believe) as Detective Neilson, intent on revenge, goes to visit Kemper. Forcing his way into Kemper's cell in the asylum, he shoots Kemper before the room is filled with security guards in padded riot gear. The Man enters and we realize there is still more gore in store as he lays waste to the entire squad of guards. He attends to Kemper who we realize is his father before carelessly loosing his head in a gunshot blast. Just when we think Neilson will have the last laugh, an Alien/Demon/Spider-ish thing leaps from The Man's head and the film thankfully ends.
I did love this film, breast shots and gore alike, although it is a shock to the senses. I admit, I would have chosen to spare the budget and audience a lot of the gore and go for atmosphere, but it still rocks in its own way. The quality of some of the scenes could improve with budget, the acting wasn't all bad, but they achieved so much with so little and should be lauded for flipping the bird to the British censors in such a dramatic way. Bring two vomit bags when viewing this one.
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| Things I Learned From This Movie: | |
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- Taking drugs will get you into all kinds of trouble kids! Don't do it.
- Taking drugs and driving will cause you to run over people, but stop you giving a toss.
- Sleeping with girly goths will leave you feeling dirty and used. Sleep with real men instead.
- All women must have naturally amazing breasts and like touching them or having them touched.
- Watching porn and snuff content on the Internet will make you a sad junky psychopath in a montage lasting ten minutes.
- When disemboweling cats you will find the offal falls nicely onto a plate and, even though cats have hearts the size of a cow's, you will be able to swallow it all in one go - if you are Evil (pronounced E-vil).
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- 2 mins - Watch how diminutive Man can crush heads like putty.
- 5 mins - Detective takes pulse the way women wish George Clooney would.
- 10 mins - Extended stripping and gratuitous breast shot.
- 60 mins - Bottle of whisky is used to remove hair from eye.
- 80 mins - Another random breast shot with bonus stump licking.
- 120 mins - Danni Filth proves why his voice was digitized to make him sound more E-vil before his head explodes.
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- (While Detective squeezes corpse's breast) Crime Scene guy: "It's just his way."
- (Referring to pulse taking method) Chief: "How long has this been going on?"
Neilson: "About seven years."
- Nick: "You've got something I want. No, not the f**cking rug; you're standing on it!"
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