|FEROCIOUS MONK FROM SHAOLIN
|Copyright 1998 Hong Kong Connection
| Reviewed by Dan Lucas
on 'a long time ago'|
- Ya Hao - The Ferocious Monk (FM). Joins the monastery to revenge his family but eventually learns peace and the ten sacred styles of Shaolin (but won't use it to kill). Manages to avenge family anyway.
- Shu Wo Chen - Pretty fiancee to the FM before he joins the monks. Kills herself when another monk proposes to her.
- Abbot - Main monk, teaches FM the ten styles along with lessons about life.
- Brother Quan Fah - Horny little monk who is the Abbot's best pupil before the FM shows up. He betrays the temple after feeling slighted by the Abbot and getting a little piece of nookie from one of Lord Igo's girls. Soon he sees the error of his ways and then gets his arm chopped off.
- Lord Igo - Main bad guy who kills FM's mom and steals the family sword (the Kung Lum sword, greatest sword ever made according to them). Likes a good laugh.
- Chow - Igo henchman. Helps the general evilness.
|Now this was fun. We start off with Lord Igo being carried to meet a caravan of Ya Hao's people. After maybe one word between them a fight breaks out and Ya Hao's mother is killed and the sword is taken away. Ya is severely beaten while trying to stop all this (he's not ferocious enough) and almost dies but manages to get away when a tree explodes to stop the attackers! Apparently the Abbot did this, so Ya, in hopes that the Abbot will take him and teach him the ways of Shaolin kung fu, follows the Abbot back to the monastery. After a lot of meditating and a lot of training, the FM manages to leave the monastery by beating up all the Shaolin priests with the help of Brother Fah, who wants the FM to die at the tournament. He does this to enter a contest to win back the sword and kill Lord Igo. That fails miserably considering Igo's men attack when they realize Igo is losing to the FM. All this time, our horny little friend Brother Fah, has betrayed the monks by having sex and siding with Lord Igo (so he can have a chance at FM's former fiancee, Shu Wo). Confused? Good. Let's move on. After getting back from the tournament (and pulling an arrow out of his back using a rope and a tree), FM is punished by the Abbot for leaving, but he also receives the sacred scrolls that hold the key to the ten styles of Shaolin (what a punishment). Eventually FM learns to control his temper and doesn't want revenge anymore but then Fah takes the scroll away and manages to kidnap Shu Wo. The FM goes to get them both. He doesn't want to fight, but Fah and Lord Igo force him to. The FM fights Lord Igo who impales himself on the sword and Brother Fah (who has learned the errors of his ways) fights everyone else in the room with one arm (he gets it chopped off by Lord Igo). And, just to sum it all up, the movie just ends. I mean it just goes black, no credits, no music, just black and then static. Perfect. This gets only two slimes from me due to it's lack of general craziness but I had to give it credit for all the violence and the arms that got chopped off.|
|Things I Learned From This Movie:|| |
- Trees explode.
- Monks raised in temples are unusually horny.
- Rice balls usually remind people of women.
- If you don't meditate correctly you get a pole to the back of the head.
- One can become a monk by meditating 49 days straight.
- If you ever want to leave a monastery, you have to defeat all of the monks at once.
- When the best fighter knocks you down, getting up and swinging wildly at him is hardly effective.
- Ferocious Monks excel at bead making and bead making heightens the senses.
- After getting the crap kicked out of them, women usually forget about the whole thing.
- Most servants have drugs on them.
- When you're drugged, people seem to change color.
- All fighting tournaments are fought on platforms surrounded by spikes and are to the death.
- The best way to get an arrow out of your back is tying a rope around it, tie the other end of the rope to a tree and pull!
- Women, when proposed to by monks, kill themselves.
- Ferocious monks can break swords with their hands.
- Cutting wood with a sword not only is very easy but sounds like tearing cloth.
- Getting your arm chopped off leads to no loss of blood. In fact, one can fight rather well afterwards.
- Beads and hair can be used as weapons.
- 2 mins - Totally unnecessary stabbing of a woman.
- 3 mins - He's not really that ferocious, in fact he's getting his ass whooped!
- 4 mins - What in the? That tree just exploded!
- 6 mins - Oh I see, he's not a monk yet, I guess ferociousness comes with all the inner peace monks have.
- 9 mins - Is that a pot on that guy's head?
- 11 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST FM WITH A STICK!
- 15 mins - He's sucking on that woman's bloody knee and she likes it! Wait, he's going in for a peek!
- 24 mins - Where did those scissors come from? She just threw her hair on the priest and Brother Fah's sniffing it!
- 30 mins - How does he get thread to stick straight up like that?
- 31 mins - Okay. Using that same magical thread he threaded 5 beads by throwing them up in the air and catching them on the string? Oh now he's doing it by bouncing them off the wall?
- 34 mins - Hold on, it was dawn a second ago and now it's night?
- 35 mins - Uh-oh, Fah's going crazy, he just jumped the wall!
- 41 mins - Monk with no pants.
- 44 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST THE CAMERA!
- 49 mins - Now that was stupid. Yes, jump onto the platform so he can kick you onto the spikes.
- 51 mins - No one noticed the spike someone poked through the floor?
- 52 mins - Yes! He just slammed a dummy to the ground!
- 59 mins - Is he going to get that arrow out of his back by tying it to a tree then running the other way? Yep, he's ferocious all right.
- 63 mins - He just chopped his own arm off!
- 70 mins - Shu Wo just killed herself and you two start fighting? Sheesh!
- 76 mins - Fah just got his armed chopped off and then he was stabbed, but there's no blood?
- 76 mins - Beads used as a weapon.
- 77 mins - Quan Fah's one-handed Kung Fu!
- 77 mins - Didn't that guy in the back get beat up? Why is he standing there?
- 79 mins - Hair-Fu!
- 81 mins - Okay, the movie just went black. No credits, no music. Just one short line and a black screen. Nice.
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