STARSHIP TROOPERS
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| Rated R
| | Copyright 1997 TriStar/Touchstone Pictures
| | Reviewed by Max Gardner
on 'a long time ago' |
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- Johnny Rico - Casper Van Dien! Genocidal dumbass and soldier plagued with inexplicable promotions.
- Carl Jenkins - Neil Patrick Harris! Psychic who gets recruited into a higher position than Rico.
- Dizzy - This woman would get dizzy trying to screw in a light bulb. She wants Rico's ass. Gets a bug talon through the chest.
- Carmen Ibanez - Denise Richards! Rico's sluttish love interest. Looks a bit... ...synthetic from the neck down.
- Zander Barcelow - Rico's chief rival. Gets his brain sucked out by the brain bug.
- Ace - Jake Busey! Recruit with absolutely enormous teeth.
- Lt. Rasczak - Michael Ironside! Rico's commanding officer, until he gets his legs ripped off by a giant antlion.
- Sgt Zim - Drill sergeant who demotes himself to private so he can go to the front.
- The Bugs - Very large arachnids with a low moron tolerance.
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| Starship Troopers is actually a good movie masquerading as a really bad one; it was also wasted on ninety percent of its target audience, making it the most irritatingly misunderstood film I've ever seen. In a militarized future, humanity is at war with a race of giant arachnids upon whose territory they've encroached. After the bugs nuke Buenos Aires, our government finally decides to take some aggressive action. Johnny Rico and his merry band of idiots are sent to the front, where they get their asses trounced in about five seconds. They regroup, and decide capturing a brain bug would be their best course of action. Can Michael Ironside and Doogie Hauser pull it off? Let's hope not - I haven't seen such a misanthropic movie in all my life. The characters are morons, the relationships are shallow and perfunctory, and they're supposed to be. Come on, people - the propaganda video at the beginning of the movie is called "Why We Fight." That was the title of a WWII Anti-Nazi propaganda short. If you don't give a damn about satire and generally mean-spirited humor, there are still buckets upon buckets of gore, and some nudity thrown in for good measure - no one we'd ever want to see nude, unfortunately.
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| Things I Learned From This Movie: | |
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- Humans invented art, mathematics and interstellar travel.
- Doogie Hauser is a member of the Gestapo.
- Ferrets are telepathic.
- Women only mate with the best and dumbest football players.
- Multiple amputees still endorse the military.
- Humans will NEVER admit that another species is intelligent. That includes species that can hurl meteorites out of their asses and hit Buenos Aires from across the known galaxy.
- Affection is displayed by saying, "OOUUGH!" and smashing your head against someone else's head.
- Jake Busey playing a neon green violin is enough to ruin any romantic mood.
- A civilian is stupid; a citizen is just more aggressive about it.
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- 2 mins - Kick ass, a whole platoon of idiots gets cut in half in the first two minutes of the movie!
- 7 mins - That is painfully obvious, thank you...
- 16 mins - Hey, that's a David Bowie song, only they changed the lyrics and it sucks.
- 23 mins - RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE AGAINST MORMON EXTREMISTS!
- 39 mins - Bitch.
- 49 mins - Wonder how much AT&T paid for that.
- 58 mins - Hey, they're in mobile infantry and they're getting tattoos that say "Death From Above."
- 62 mins - Damn, I wish I could shoot meteors from my ass.
- 90 mins - Multiple decapitations! Ugh, he left a smear...
- 95 mins - Don't take the claw out, you imbecile.
- 99 mins - It's Doogie Himmler!
- 104 mins - Ouch! (Cut in half by an automatic door.)
- 114 mins - Yeah, that arm would still work.
- 118 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A MOUNTAIN!
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- Angry Guy: "The only good bug is a dead bug."
- Rico (After a fellow recruit gets his head blasted off): "MEDIC!"
- Reporter: "Some say the bugs were provoked by the intrusion of humans into their natural habitat, that a live and let live policy is preferable to war with the bugs."
Rico: "Lemme tell you something, I'm from Buenos Aires and I say KILL 'EM ALL!"
- Sky Marshal: "We must meet the threat with our blood, our valor, indeed with our very lives, to ensure that human civilization - not insect - dominates this galaxy now and always!"
- Scientist: "Frankly I find the idea of a bug that thinks offensive!"
- Rasczak: "They sucked his brains out."
- Rico: "Know what this is? Sure ya do - you're some kinda big, fat smart bug, aren't ya?"
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| | Audio clips in wav format | SOUNDS | Starving actors speak out | |
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| File | Dialog |  | startroopers1.wav
| Narrator1: "Join the Mobile Infantry and save the world!"
| | startroopers2.wav
| Angry Guy: "The only good bug is a dead bug."
| | startroopers3.wav
| Sky Marshall: "To fight the bug we must understand the bug, we can ill afford another Klandathu."
| | startroopers4.wav
| Lt. Rasczak: "This is for you new people. I only have one rule, everyone fights, no one quits. You don't do your job I'll shoot you."
| | startroopers5.wav
| Lt. Rasczak: "They sucked his brains out."
| | startroopers6.wav
| Carl Jenkins: "You don't approve? Well too bad, we're in this for the species boys and girls. It's simple numbers, they have more and every day I have to make decisions that send hundreds of people, like you, to their deaths."
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| | Click for a larger image | IMAGES | Scenes from the movie | |
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| | Watch a scene | VIDEO | MPEG video files | |
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| | Leave a comment | EXTRAS | Buy the movie | |
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