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TITANIC - 2 Slimes
Rated PG-13
Copyright 1998, Paramount Pictures
Reviewed by Max Gardner on 'a long time ago'

The Characters:  

  • Jack - Leonardo DiCaprio! Greasy-haired drifter and sketch artist. Freezes to death.
  • Rose - Kate Winslet! Forward-thinking rich girl who inexplicably falls for Jack.
  • Cal - Billy Zane! Rose's fiancee, a cunning businessman with absolutely no knowledge of the world around him.
  • Lovejoy - David Warner! Cal's evil valet. Falls through the ship when it breaks in half.
  • Tommy - Stereotypical Irishman. Shot by Murdoch.
  • Molly Brown - Kathy Bates! Lumpy woman with a mind numbingly American accent.
  • Fabrizzio - Jack's best friend. Squashed by a falling smokestack. Ouch!
  • Capt. Smith - Presumably drowned when the cabin floods.
  • Lightoller - Second officer. Has a lot of amusing dialogue.
  • Murdoch - Titanic's first officer. Shoots himself.
  • Brock - Bill Paxton! Modern treasure-hunter scouring the remains of the Titanic for diamonds.

Buy It!

The Plot: 

If you thought James Cameron could go no lower than The Abyss, think again. How the mighty have fallen: the director of Aliens finally betrays whatever talent he once had with this ridiculous triumph of the human spirit. Here we have 1990's actors, acting like 1990's people, in 1912. They bum smokes, spit off the railings and give each other the finger. Our excruciatingly long story begins with Jack Dawson, who wins a trip on the Titanic in a card game and consequently saves Rose, reluctant future bride to the bastardly Cal, from a suicide attempt. Jack and Rose are taken with one another, party below decks with the Irish and steam up the back of a car. Then the iceberg hits, and things get fun. The last half of this movie isn't half bad, for one reason alone: it really is satisfying to watch 1500 self-obsessed primitives die horribly with nothing to blame but their own hubris. Keep an eye out for the old guy who falls and bounces off a few railings on the way down. This guy earns Titanic one slime on his own. The other goes to David Warner, about the only intelligent and charismatic person on the entire ship. There's also a cameo by Lewis Abernathy, the producer of House 3. All in all, a halfway decent waste of four hours. Maybe all the direct-to-video ripoffs were better.

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • People in 1912 flipped each other off on a regular basis.
  • Old people bounce.
  • 101-year-old ladies are entirely coherent and sensible.
  • Falling on a propeller looks like it hurts.
  • Hats in the early 1900's were not designed with convenience in mind.
  • Violinists aren't too bright.
  • British people are obnoxious. Without exception.
  • The human race evolved from lemmings, not monkeys.

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • Tape 1, 11 min - She looks like a baked potato. Gah, liver spots!
  • Tape 1, 17 min - They'll use that line when the movie's re-released before the Oscars.
  • Tape 1, 30 min - Whoever built this ship has a few issues with his masculinity.
  • Tape 1, 68 min - Mmmmm, Guinness....
  • Tape 1, 81 min - It'd be nice if that boom smacked both of them upside the head right about now.
  • Tape 1, 95 min - PG-13? Uh-huh.
  • Tape 2, 9 min - Cameron stole that line word-for-word from Twin Peaks.
  • Tape 2, 18 min - Swinging a fire ax with your eyes closed isn't a good idea.
  • Tape 2, 40 min - They wouldn't be hypothermic by now or anything....
  • Tape 2, 43 min - James is getting a little heavy-handed here.
  • Tape 2, 48 min - Of all the people on this boat, Fabrizzio is the most dead.
  • Tape 2, 52 min - Ouch! (The propeller put a spin on that guy.)
  • Tape 2, 60 min - Just what I was thinking.


  • Kid: "Daddy, it's a ship!"
    Father: "You're right."
  • Jack: "Well, that's the good thing about Paris. Lots of girls willing to take their clothes off."
  • Rose: "Teach me to ride like a man."
    Jack: "And chew tobacco like a man."
    Rose: "And...SPIT like a man!"
  • Molly: "Hey sonny, what's doin'? You've got us all trussed up here, and now we're coolin' our heels."
  • Lightoller: "Back, I say! OR I'LL SHOOT YOU ALL LIKE DOGS."
  • Lightoller: "Bloody pull faster, and pull!"

 Audio clips in wav formatSOUNDSStarving actors speak out 

Green Music Note titanic1.wav Brock: "All right, you have my attention Rose, can you tell us who the woman in the picture is?"
Rose: "Oh yes, the woman in the picture is me."
Green Music Note titanic2.wav Rose: "You're distracting me, go away!"
Green Music Note titanic3.wav Rose: "I think you must have had a love affair with her."
Jack: "No, no, no, no... ...just with her hands, she was a one-legged prostitute."
Green Music Note titanic4.wav Owner: "This maiden voyage of Titanic must make headlines."
Green Music Note titanic5.wav Jack: "You're no picnic. All right, you're a spoiled little brat even."

 Click for a larger imageIMAGESScenes from the movie 



 Watch a sceneVIDEOMPEG video files 

Video Cliptitanic1.mpg - 1.4m
Propeller bouncing contest.

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Comments:Write CommentPages: 1 2 [3] 4 5 6
Reply #17. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Bats
Titanic.  What a lovely, soul-stirring and beautiful film this wasn't.  It's nearly as good as Waterworld in fact.  Cameron should stick to alien-bashing and flying piranhas and leave the love stories to Merchant Ivory.  It was like watching an Edwardian costume-drama version of Platoon.

Keep trying, James...  Not, on second thoughts, don't.
Reply #18. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:03 PM by Chazilla
My jaw dropped when I saw this movie in theaters.  It just blew me away.  Certain dramatic aspects of the movie had serious flaws (there was quite a good reason that it did not get a best script nomination) and there were a few wince inducing moments (i.e. the teaching Kate to spit sequence).  But I loved, loved, loved it for its absolutely huge scope and vision.  Just watching the ship go down in microscopic detail was worth the price of admission.  It was a rather painless three hours, but I have not watched it twice.

Favorite moment, when the mentally overloaded Captain Smith staggers off the deck and onto the bridge to prep himself for going down with the ship.
Reply #19. Posted on August 22, 2003, 06:10:40 AM by DJ
I love this movie. It brings me to tears when that ship breaks and sinks. but the movie would have been better if Leonardo DeCRAPeo wasnt in it!!!
Reply #20. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Alise
Oh jesus!  This movie sucked major donkey balls.  Sure like i'm really supposed to believe that someone of that low of a class like Leonardo is really going to get someone like the character Kate Winslet played to fall in love with him!  First of all he wouldn't have even been able to walk around that freely on the boat, he would have been forced to stay with his own "kind".  James Cameron is the anti-christ!...well, not really, Titanic is just a very bad movie.
Reply #21. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Finn
The movie wasn´t THAT bad.The real problem was the lousy love story between two of the most useless characters ever.All Winslett really did in the movie was whine. And I mean all the time.Leo should have bushed her overboard when he had the chance.And DeCaprio role seemed like something out of a freak show:"Come one,come all!See the man with no personality!" Van Damme and Arnold have shown more facial expressions.
When I think about it, there`s nothing in the movie to make me even believe that Jack was in love with Rose.The way he acted he may have just been trying to get in to Rose`s pants.It makes more sense than the idea that he would have fallen for miss selfpity.
Reply #22. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by lostmissy
I'm going against the general flow here but I loved this movie. It was so surreal and sensuous! This was about the best period piece that was (to me) very convincing in both realism and detail . Yes I do know that 3rd class passengers would never be allowed the freedom of the ship that Leo got and that Kate could never had acted like she did but the "love story" angle allows the emotional involvement that underlies the movie theme ( I never got it...before). Yes it was very expensive(!) and Mr Cameron does seem to suffer from a small "ego" issue but this movie fits well in the grand epic tradition of the cinema . Now let me get back to my scotch and "It Came From Outer Space"!!
Reply #23. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Luke S.
I thought the idea of was to remind us of how much we love film, not hate it! While this review was hysterical and true, it misses the main point of the site. We're supposed to LOVE Bad Movies! And this is impossible to love....
Reply #24. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Juice
We have some people here calling the Titanic amazing and saying it's a beautiful lovestory, that shows love can get you through difficult situations... puke. Have you ever heard of Romeo & Juliet? Titanic is VERY, and I mean VERY cliché and nobody seems to see that because the movie looks beautiful. It's just s**t with lots of whipped cream on it (and I mean LOTS OF WHIPPED CREAM) and that's what makes it taste good. Cheap romantic clichés, cheap story... I've seen this somewhere else. Titanic is cliché. The story is s**t. All the effects, Kates boobs and other things that make this movie watchable are whipped cream.

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