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TITANIC - 2 Slimes
Rated PG-13
Copyright 1998, Paramount Pictures
Reviewed by Max Gardner on 'a long time ago'

The Characters:  

  • Jack - Leonardo DiCaprio! Greasy-haired drifter and sketch artist. Freezes to death.
  • Rose - Kate Winslet! Forward-thinking rich girl who inexplicably falls for Jack.
  • Cal - Billy Zane! Rose's fiancee, a cunning businessman with absolutely no knowledge of the world around him.
  • Lovejoy - David Warner! Cal's evil valet. Falls through the ship when it breaks in half.
  • Tommy - Stereotypical Irishman. Shot by Murdoch.
  • Molly Brown - Kathy Bates! Lumpy woman with a mind numbingly American accent.
  • Fabrizzio - Jack's best friend. Squashed by a falling smokestack. Ouch!
  • Capt. Smith - Presumably drowned when the cabin floods.
  • Lightoller - Second officer. Has a lot of amusing dialogue.
  • Murdoch - Titanic's first officer. Shoots himself.
  • Brock - Bill Paxton! Modern treasure-hunter scouring the remains of the Titanic for diamonds.

Buy It!

The Plot: 

If you thought James Cameron could go no lower than The Abyss, think again. How the mighty have fallen: the director of Aliens finally betrays whatever talent he once had with this ridiculous triumph of the human spirit. Here we have 1990's actors, acting like 1990's people, in 1912. They bum smokes, spit off the railings and give each other the finger. Our excruciatingly long story begins with Jack Dawson, who wins a trip on the Titanic in a card game and consequently saves Rose, reluctant future bride to the bastardly Cal, from a suicide attempt. Jack and Rose are taken with one another, party below decks with the Irish and steam up the back of a car. Then the iceberg hits, and things get fun. The last half of this movie isn't half bad, for one reason alone: it really is satisfying to watch 1500 self-obsessed primitives die horribly with nothing to blame but their own hubris. Keep an eye out for the old guy who falls and bounces off a few railings on the way down. This guy earns Titanic one slime on his own. The other goes to David Warner, about the only intelligent and charismatic person on the entire ship. There's also a cameo by Lewis Abernathy, the producer of House 3. All in all, a halfway decent waste of four hours. Maybe all the direct-to-video ripoffs were better.

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • People in 1912 flipped each other off on a regular basis.
  • Old people bounce.
  • 101-year-old ladies are entirely coherent and sensible.
  • Falling on a propeller looks like it hurts.
  • Hats in the early 1900's were not designed with convenience in mind.
  • Violinists aren't too bright.
  • British people are obnoxious. Without exception.
  • The human race evolved from lemmings, not monkeys.

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • Tape 1, 11 min - She looks like a baked potato. Gah, liver spots!
  • Tape 1, 17 min - They'll use that line when the movie's re-released before the Oscars.
  • Tape 1, 30 min - Whoever built this ship has a few issues with his masculinity.
  • Tape 1, 68 min - Mmmmm, Guinness....
  • Tape 1, 70 min - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A TABLE
  • Tape 1, 81 min - It'd be nice if that boom smacked both of them upside the head right about now.
  • Tape 1, 95 min - PG-13? Uh-huh.
  • Tape 2, 9 min - Cameron stole that line word-for-word from Twin Peaks.
  • Tape 2, 18 min - Swinging a fire ax with your eyes closed isn't a good idea.
  • Tape 2, 40 min - They wouldn't be hypothermic by now or anything....
  • Tape 2, 43 min - James is getting a little heavy-handed here.
  • Tape 2, 48 min - Of all the people on this boat, Fabrizzio is the most dead.
  • Tape 2, 52 min - Ouch! (The propeller put a spin on that guy.)
  • Tape 2, 60 min - Just what I was thinking.

Quotes: 

  • Kid: "Daddy, it's a ship!"
    Father: "You're right."
  • Jack: "Well, that's the good thing about Paris. Lots of girls willing to take their clothes off."
  • Rose: "Teach me to ride like a man."
    Jack: "And chew tobacco like a man."
    Rose: "And...SPIT like a man!"
  • Molly: "Hey sonny, what's doin'? You've got us all trussed up here, and now we're coolin' our heels."
  • Lightoller: "Back, I say! OR I'LL SHOOT YOU ALL LIKE DOGS."
  • Lightoller: "Bloody pull faster, and pull!"

 Audio clips in wav formatSOUNDSStarving actors speak out 

FileDialog
Green Music Note titanic1.wav Brock: "All right, you have my attention Rose, can you tell us who the woman in the picture is?"
Rose: "Oh yes, the woman in the picture is me."
Green Music Note titanic2.wav Rose: "You're distracting me, go away!"
Green Music Note titanic3.wav Rose: "I think you must have had a love affair with her."
Jack: "No, no, no, no... ...just with her hands, she was a one-legged prostitute."
Green Music Note titanic4.wav Owner: "This maiden voyage of Titanic must make headlines."
Green Music Note titanic5.wav Jack: "You're no picnic. All right, you're a spoiled little brat even."

 Click for a larger imageIMAGESScenes from the movie 

ImageImageImage


ImageImageImage


 Watch a sceneVIDEOMPEG video files 

Video Cliptitanic1.mpg - 1.4m
Propeller bouncing contest.

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Comments:Write CommentPages: 1 2 3 [4] 5 6
Titanic
Reply #25. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Dano
First of all, to all you people who are whining about how much you hated Titanic and how painful it was to watch, let me tell you a story.  This is the first movie I ever saw with the woman who is now my wife.  Because this was our first movie, she now thinks Celine Deion's "My Heart Will Go On" is "our song."  You people don't have any concept of what suffering is.  Stop crying.

Second, to the people who are apalled by Badmovies.Org running a review of Titanic, the name of the site is BADMOVIES.ORG.  Not Low-BudgetMovies.Org.  Not B-Movies.Org.  Not CultMovies.Org, or MoviesByNon-FamousPeople.Org, or BoxOfficeFlops.org, or MoviesTheOscarsWouldntTouchWithATenFootPole.org.  It is a site for BAD movies, movies that are very very easy to make fun of and laugh at, and I think the reviewer here and some of the posters have shown that Titanic is a laughable film.  Some people like to watch big pretty movies and so enjoyed Titanic - fine.  Some people are very emotional or sentimental and actually enjoyed the love story - fine.  But don't get mad when people make fun of a movie you like.  It's just fun.

As for the Oscars, someone nailed it when he said the Oscars are a joke.  In 1994, Martin Landau beat out Samuel Jackson's Jules in Pulp Fiction with a Bela Lugosi impersonation.  In 1990, Dances With Wolves (a movie badly deserving of a review on this site) beat Goodfellas.  In 1989, Driving Miss Daisy beat Glory.  Holly Hunter won an Oscar for the Piano for pity's sake!  Has anyone ever actually sat through that dreadful excuse for a movie??

Lighten up, Titanic Fans.  Putting the occasional Hollywood big-budget mega-hit piece of crap on this site is a good thing.
Titanic
Reply #26. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by billybob
Well, I have to say the movie did stink, I was a formulaic Hollywood romance using a dramatic story.  But it had little to do with the events of that night in 1912.  But two things that bugged me the most of the movie are a couple of continuity errors that are usually found only in the lowest budget pieces of crap movies.  ONE, the water in the North Atlantic at that time of year is so cold that you will be paralyzed in under 10 minutes and dead shortly afterwards. They got that right in the end.  But the scene where they were struggling to escape from the room below decks where they were up to their armpits in icy water for 15 to 20 minutes of the movie and were barely affected (should have been dead).  TWO, she is in a life boat but jumps back on the ship because she is so in love with him that if he drowns she want to drown with him.  And then at the end when he does drown, she heroically swims to get the whistle and thereby saves her neck after he sinks.  Sorry, this is pure drivle to pull the heart strings of the audience and is just awful movie making errors.  Please, you may have loved the scene at the end. But it should not have been in conflict with the earlier scene.  This showed that it was not a love story but a story about teenage lust that follows no rhyme or reason.  The movie was not without its moments, like so many of the other movies reviewed here.  But it is proof that Hollywood is all about gliter, pomp, and promotion.  And that the Academy is a "let's all pat each other on the back" organization.  And not about the art of movie making.
Titanic
Reply #27. Posted on March 08, 2003, 10:39:31 PM by Sennith
I hated this movie for two reasons: the fact that they turned a tragedy into a love story and Leornado Dicapiro.  They did this in the Pearl Harbor movie too, a love story in the Pearl Harbor setting.  
Titanic
Reply #28. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by James Perry
Loved this film!  Loved it.

In my opinion it doesn't belong here among the mostly B-movies and laughibly bad ones.  Many of the comments above I not only disagree with but HIGHLY disagree with.  I found this film a visually striking, emotionally charged, suspensefully unfolding, wonderfully acted epic disaster film with a beautiful love story.  I was highly impressed with the whole production.  Kate Winslet is a real hottie (I'd seen her in Heavenly Creatures and couldn't take my eyes off her).  I don't hate Dicaprio like many others here (He was great in This Boy's Life with DeNiro...seen it?).  I would actually like to be like his character and break the monotony of my life and "take off" to a change of setting.  The scenes of the ship were amazing to watch...particularly as it's sinking.  I guess I can overlook the flaws in this film and enjoy it for the same reason I can watch many of the "actual" bad movies on this site and enjoy them.  

Come on folks!  This is just a Godzilla film without the Godzilla, all Japanese cast, voice dubbing or break-a-part buildings!  But seriously, you actually hate Titanic because you hate ALL movies like this for some reason:  love story, huge budget, overhyped, large SFX budget, Leo's in it, dominated the Oscars...etc.  So TRASH AWAY!  I also liked the Abyss which was trashed here.

(Actually, the DVD is something of a disappointment.  The picture quality is lacking for a movie that cost a zillion dollars to make.)
Titanic
Reply #29. Posted on February 13, 2004, 11:16:25 AM by jessica
It was a brilliant movie I loved it it was and still is one of my favourite movies ever especialy that it had Leonardo Decaprio in it
Titanic
Reply #30. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by pred19
This is a movie I'd see once, or maybe twice just to see the ship fall apart for a second time.

Isn't it funny, how all the hype for this movie totally vanished once it came out on video. Movies like 'The Thing' did poorly at the box office, but has since gathered a huge following. 'Titanic', however, was a massive hit, and now is just a ghost of its former self.
Titanic
Reply #31. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:03 PM by
Titanic could of been an in depth character study and ultimately a great film, but instead Cameron makes a conventional love story and a rather cliched film.
**
Titanic
Reply #32. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Diana
I have seen Titanic numerous times,and though my husband and I do make fun of the flaws in the movie, we still like to watch it. I disagree that the acting was bad. I think Kate did a great job of portraying a "well raised" woman who is forced to marry an arrogant, snobby, possesive a***ole, just so her mother won't have to work for a living. And, she may have whined alot in the movie, but being stuck with a Fiance' like Cal, do you blame her? I just loved it when she spit in his face!! I wanted to spit in his face thoughout the whole movie.
  Yes, there are many flaws in the movie. There was no Chippawa Falls in 1912. No, Rose and Jack wouldn't have survived the freezing water in the boat, when they were trying to escape. The crewman at the wheel is being told "Hard over starboard, but he's turning the wheel to the left. And, Jack would have never been able to hold that confersation with Rose after they were in the water. But, every movie has it's flaws and that doesen't stop us from watching them. I also feel that Kathy Bates was a perfect pick for The Unsinkable Molly Brown.
  Oh, one more thing. Those of you who say things like "This movie sucked donkey balls". and spelling Leo's name, Decrappio, or Defaggio.  GROW UP!!!!!! I can't even acknowlwdge your criticism because you're soooo immature!!!!!
   
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