TITANIC
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| Rated PG-13
| | Copyright 1998, Paramount Pictures
| | Reviewed by Max Gardner
on 'a long time ago' |
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- Jack - Leonardo DiCaprio! Greasy-haired drifter and sketch artist. Freezes to death.
- Rose - Kate Winslet! Forward-thinking rich girl who inexplicably falls for Jack.
- Cal - Billy Zane! Rose's fiancee, a cunning businessman with absolutely no knowledge of the world around him.
- Lovejoy - David Warner! Cal's evil valet. Falls through the ship when it breaks in half.
- Tommy - Stereotypical Irishman. Shot by Murdoch.
- Molly Brown - Kathy Bates! Lumpy woman with a mind numbingly American accent.
- Fabrizzio - Jack's best friend. Squashed by a falling smokestack. Ouch!
- Capt. Smith - Presumably drowned when the cabin floods.
- Lightoller - Second officer. Has a lot of amusing dialogue.
- Murdoch - Titanic's first officer. Shoots himself.
- Brock - Bill Paxton! Modern treasure-hunter scouring the remains of the Titanic for diamonds.
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| If you thought James Cameron could go no lower than The Abyss, think again. How the mighty have fallen: the director of Aliens finally betrays whatever talent he once had with this ridiculous triumph of the human spirit. Here we have 1990's actors, acting like 1990's people, in 1912. They bum smokes, spit off the railings and give each other the finger. Our excruciatingly long story begins with Jack Dawson, who wins a trip on the Titanic in a card game and consequently saves Rose, reluctant future bride to the bastardly Cal, from a suicide attempt. Jack and Rose are taken with one another, party below decks with the Irish and steam up the back of a car. Then the iceberg hits, and things get fun. The last half of this movie isn't half bad, for one reason alone: it really is satisfying to watch 1500 self-obsessed primitives die horribly with nothing to blame but their own hubris. Keep an eye out for the old guy who falls and bounces off a few railings on the way down. This guy earns Titanic one slime on his own. The other goes to David Warner, about the only intelligent and charismatic person on the entire ship. There's also a cameo by Lewis Abernathy, the producer of House 3. All in all, a halfway decent waste of four hours. Maybe all the direct-to-video ripoffs were better.
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| Things I Learned From This Movie: | |
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- People in 1912 flipped each other off on a regular basis.
- Old people bounce.
- 101-year-old ladies are entirely coherent and sensible.
- Falling on a propeller looks like it hurts.
- Hats in the early 1900's were not designed with convenience in mind.
- Violinists aren't too bright.
- British people are obnoxious. Without exception.
- The human race evolved from lemmings, not monkeys.
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- Tape 1, 11 min - She looks like a baked potato. Gah, liver spots!
- Tape 1, 17 min - They'll use that line when the movie's re-released before the Oscars.
- Tape 1, 30 min - Whoever built this ship has a few issues with his masculinity.
- Tape 1, 68 min - Mmmmm, Guinness....
- Tape 1, 70 min - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A TABLE
- Tape 1, 81 min - It'd be nice if that boom smacked both of them upside the head right about now.
- Tape 1, 95 min - PG-13? Uh-huh.
- Tape 2, 9 min - Cameron stole that line word-for-word from Twin Peaks.
- Tape 2, 18 min - Swinging a fire ax with your eyes closed isn't a good idea.
- Tape 2, 40 min - They wouldn't be hypothermic by now or anything....
- Tape 2, 43 min - James is getting a little heavy-handed here.
- Tape 2, 48 min - Of all the people on this boat, Fabrizzio is the most dead.
- Tape 2, 52 min - Ouch! (The propeller put a spin on that guy.)
- Tape 2, 60 min - Just what I was thinking.
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- Kid: "Daddy, it's a ship!"
Father: "You're right."
- Jack: "Well, that's the good thing about Paris. Lots of girls willing to take their clothes off."
- Rose: "Teach me to ride like a man."
Jack: "And chew tobacco like a man."
Rose: "And...SPIT like a man!"
- Molly: "Hey sonny, what's doin'? You've got us all trussed up here, and now we're coolin' our heels."
- Lightoller: "Back, I say! OR I'LL SHOOT YOU ALL LIKE DOGS."
- Lightoller: "Bloody pull faster, and pull!"
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| | Audio clips in wav format | SOUNDS | Starving actors speak out | |
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| File | Dialog |  | titanic1.wav
| Brock: "All right, you have my attention Rose, can you tell us who the woman in the picture is?"
Rose: "Oh yes, the woman in the picture is me."
| | titanic2.wav
| Rose: "You're distracting me, go away!"
| | titanic3.wav
| Rose: "I think you must have had a love affair with her."
Jack: "No, no, no, no... ...just with her hands, she was a one-legged prostitute."
| | titanic4.wav
| Owner: "This maiden voyage of Titanic must make headlines."
| | titanic5.wav
| Jack: "You're no picnic. All right, you're a spoiled little brat even."
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| | Click for a larger image | IMAGES | Scenes from the movie | |
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| | Watch a scene | VIDEO | MPEG video files | |
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| | Leave a comment | EXTRAS | Buy the movie | |
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