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TITANIC - 2 Slimes
Rated PG-13
Copyright 1998, Paramount Pictures
Reviewed by Max Gardner on 'a long time ago'

The Characters:  

  • Jack - Leonardo DiCaprio! Greasy-haired drifter and sketch artist. Freezes to death.
  • Rose - Kate Winslet! Forward-thinking rich girl who inexplicably falls for Jack.
  • Cal - Billy Zane! Rose's fiancee, a cunning businessman with absolutely no knowledge of the world around him.
  • Lovejoy - David Warner! Cal's evil valet. Falls through the ship when it breaks in half.
  • Tommy - Stereotypical Irishman. Shot by Murdoch.
  • Molly Brown - Kathy Bates! Lumpy woman with a mind numbingly American accent.
  • Fabrizzio - Jack's best friend. Squashed by a falling smokestack. Ouch!
  • Capt. Smith - Presumably drowned when the cabin floods.
  • Lightoller - Second officer. Has a lot of amusing dialogue.
  • Murdoch - Titanic's first officer. Shoots himself.
  • Brock - Bill Paxton! Modern treasure-hunter scouring the remains of the Titanic for diamonds.

Buy It!

The Plot: 

If you thought James Cameron could go no lower than The Abyss, think again. How the mighty have fallen: the director of Aliens finally betrays whatever talent he once had with this ridiculous triumph of the human spirit. Here we have 1990's actors, acting like 1990's people, in 1912. They bum smokes, spit off the railings and give each other the finger. Our excruciatingly long story begins with Jack Dawson, who wins a trip on the Titanic in a card game and consequently saves Rose, reluctant future bride to the bastardly Cal, from a suicide attempt. Jack and Rose are taken with one another, party below decks with the Irish and steam up the back of a car. Then the iceberg hits, and things get fun. The last half of this movie isn't half bad, for one reason alone: it really is satisfying to watch 1500 self-obsessed primitives die horribly with nothing to blame but their own hubris. Keep an eye out for the old guy who falls and bounces off a few railings on the way down. This guy earns Titanic one slime on his own. The other goes to David Warner, about the only intelligent and charismatic person on the entire ship. There's also a cameo by Lewis Abernathy, the producer of House 3. All in all, a halfway decent waste of four hours. Maybe all the direct-to-video ripoffs were better.

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • People in 1912 flipped each other off on a regular basis.
  • Old people bounce.
  • 101-year-old ladies are entirely coherent and sensible.
  • Falling on a propeller looks like it hurts.
  • Hats in the early 1900's were not designed with convenience in mind.
  • Violinists aren't too bright.
  • British people are obnoxious. Without exception.
  • The human race evolved from lemmings, not monkeys.

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • Tape 1, 11 min - She looks like a baked potato. Gah, liver spots!
  • Tape 1, 17 min - They'll use that line when the movie's re-released before the Oscars.
  • Tape 1, 30 min - Whoever built this ship has a few issues with his masculinity.
  • Tape 1, 68 min - Mmmmm, Guinness....
  • Tape 1, 81 min - It'd be nice if that boom smacked both of them upside the head right about now.
  • Tape 1, 95 min - PG-13? Uh-huh.
  • Tape 2, 9 min - Cameron stole that line word-for-word from Twin Peaks.
  • Tape 2, 18 min - Swinging a fire ax with your eyes closed isn't a good idea.
  • Tape 2, 40 min - They wouldn't be hypothermic by now or anything....
  • Tape 2, 43 min - James is getting a little heavy-handed here.
  • Tape 2, 48 min - Of all the people on this boat, Fabrizzio is the most dead.
  • Tape 2, 52 min - Ouch! (The propeller put a spin on that guy.)
  • Tape 2, 60 min - Just what I was thinking.


  • Kid: "Daddy, it's a ship!"
    Father: "You're right."
  • Jack: "Well, that's the good thing about Paris. Lots of girls willing to take their clothes off."
  • Rose: "Teach me to ride like a man."
    Jack: "And chew tobacco like a man."
    Rose: "And...SPIT like a man!"
  • Molly: "Hey sonny, what's doin'? You've got us all trussed up here, and now we're coolin' our heels."
  • Lightoller: "Back, I say! OR I'LL SHOOT YOU ALL LIKE DOGS."
  • Lightoller: "Bloody pull faster, and pull!"

 Audio clips in wav formatSOUNDSStarving actors speak out 

Green Music Note titanic1.wav Brock: "All right, you have my attention Rose, can you tell us who the woman in the picture is?"
Rose: "Oh yes, the woman in the picture is me."
Green Music Note titanic2.wav Rose: "You're distracting me, go away!"
Green Music Note titanic3.wav Rose: "I think you must have had a love affair with her."
Jack: "No, no, no, no... ...just with her hands, she was a one-legged prostitute."
Green Music Note titanic4.wav Owner: "This maiden voyage of Titanic must make headlines."
Green Music Note titanic5.wav Jack: "You're no picnic. All right, you're a spoiled little brat even."

 Click for a larger imageIMAGESScenes from the movie 



 Watch a sceneVIDEOMPEG video files 

Video Cliptitanic1.mpg - 1.4m
Propeller bouncing contest.

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Comments:Write CommentPages: 1 ... 4 5 [6]
Re: Titanic
Reply #41. Posted on November 19, 2008, 12:35:01 AM by Maskdt
I wasn't a fan when it came out, even though I was part of its "adolescent girls who have no idea what the hell it's like to be in a real relationship" target audience at the time. I've seen Kate Winslet and DiCaprio in other films, and they can act. But act, they didn't here. Probably because Cameron got so caught up in his "vision" that he forgot the most important aspect of screenwriting: rewrite, rewrite, rewrite. Frankly, if I ever hear or saw people talking and acting like that in real life, I'd wonder if there was something wrong with them...

Overall, poor writing, poor acting (actors didn't have much to work with), okay effects, way too much money spent on this in the wrong places.
Re: Titanic
Reply #42. Posted on June 28, 2009, 01:01:06 AM by Kruhn
This review has been rather divisive. What I would like to tell to those who love their movies and act as if someone had murdered a close relative to understand that this is a movie. Understand this, the reviewer is entitled to his opinion. He  I agree-- that the movie has a lot of cringeworthy moments and it should be taken to this forum and ridiculed.

I personally have no ill will towards Kate Blanchett and Leonardo di Caprio. I also think that Mr. di Caprio is a movie star in the old school. I mean you only see this guy in the news only when there's a movie with him on it. That is commendable.

Now to the movie. I like the story of the Titanic, I watched and loved A Night to Remember and watched about every documentary on the Titanic. I was not going to watch this movie, but one Friday morning in beautiful and sunny San Juan, Puerto Rico, I was walking by the movie theater and it happened the movie was about to start, so I decided to catch it on an early matinee. The theater was half-full and I remembered the line for the next show. Now the movie's visuals were lovely, but the acting and the storyline stank. I mean this story was so incongruous that I was laughing all through the three hours it lasted. In fact the whole scene where Leo's character is handcuffed to the pillar and we the water rising outside, I started belting Under the Sea .

It is funny that twenty years prior to Titanic another movie, visually stunning, but with crappy acting was passed over many of the same Oscars this movie got. Perhaps I may be somewhat jaded, but I've only seen this movie once, as a fluke, and I believe it is one time too many.
Re: Titanic
Reply #43. Posted on August 21, 2010, 02:35:00 AM by Jami
I am one of the biggest Titanic fans you will ever meet. Who cares about the flaws that really made no difference in the movie at all whatsoever. I know that people are entitled to their opinion and yes the Oscars are a joke but Titanic should not be on this website. And what we were we supposed to do for the first two hours? We needed some sort of story in there before the ship could sink. I hated what James Cameron did at the Oscars and I certainly know I'm not the only one. :) But please people...stop cursing it out! That goes for fans and haters. You can say what's on you mind but please... And Kate Winslet's acting was beautiful for those of you who can't spot talent when you see it (apparently,though, she did better in her natural British accent). And come on ladies and gay guys! Leo DiCaprio was a pretty yummy piece of eye candy.

Like I said before....I am one the biggest Titanic fans you'll ever meet. I've watched it 20 3/4 times. And although I will never change my mind whoever wrote this article: I was cracking up! (in a good way) You're pretty funny, man. :)
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